I was curious as to if anyone has had the experience of observing the emotional reaction of their young children when there is a loss of an close family member. My daughter is almost 8 years old and we recently experienced the loss of my father. She asked questions like why isn't he coming home, but at the same time she acknowledged verbally that he's dead, in heaven, etc. She expresses that she misses him and wants to see him again, but she isn't visibly sad or has she cried. Can anyone share the reaction(s) of their children in an experience such as this. I'm just trying to understand....
I as of yet have no personal experience with this myself, however my grandmother spent 20+ years researching this and has written a book. Her is the website, maybe you will find it helpful. http://www.giftofloss.com/
Best,
K.
Hi R.,
I lost my father when all of our kids were surrounding that age. My twin sisters were 8, my daughter was 8 nieces 7 & 9. It is a very delicate age, because they get it, but they don't understand. It is difficult enough for us as adults to cope with it, let a lone being 8. I strongly suggest counceling. I watched my sisters suppress their feelings and later when it was fathers day, they would quietly cry and feel it was not fair to celebrate.
R.,
I am looking forward to seeing all the comments. My dad has cancer has the prognosis is weeks... I spoke to the women at Hospice down in Santa Barbara and they suggested going to the book store and asking about books for grieving children. They also suggested contacting my local Hospice to see if they have a program for kids and grieving. While I was in SB visiting my dad I picked up a booklet they give you when you enroll to the Hospice program, it has a section on children grieving...it has been helpful so far, to at least prepare me to understand what my kids will be going through. My kids are just about the same age as your's. From what I have read, reactions vary a lot. It looks like this might be their first encounter with death; so there will be a lot of questions and some will not seem very logical. One thing that might be helpful is to get her to draw pictures of good memories with the family member that died or to write a story. Somehow, it time you want to find out what is going on inside of her. She just might be in the denial process right now and stay there for a while... but that is okay. She will move on to the next when she is ready. This is all armchair psycology, but it is what I am reading to get me ready to help my kids through this.
I wish you the best through this.
Kind regards,
M.
Hi R.,
My husband's father passed away recently, and it turned out to be a very sad experience for our two daughters, ages 8 and 11. They cryed a lot, no matter how much I tried to convince them that Dada is an angel now, that he was a good man , and now is in heaven. They do want to beleive that , but on the other hand, they do know for sure that he isn't coming back ever again . We framed his photo and they can always look at it now, and we saved his robe and his hat in a chest that they can open and touch.
Time is the only good remedy however . As the days pass by, the emotional wounds seem to start to heel.
A. G.
My daughter was 3 when she lost her grandfather. Her and her "poppa" were very close. What I did was to get a balloon and with a marker we wrote a special note to poppa and signed it "I love you an miss you". Then we let the balloon go and watched it make its way up to poppa in heaven. She is now 7 and whenever she gets a balloon, she will send it to poppa.
I don't know what your religious beliefs are (weather or not you believe in heaven) but I think young kids need a "tangible" way to say good bye. Maybe you can make with her a special box to put notes in for her grandfather. tell her it will be private and just for her. let her know if she feels like sharing, you will be happy to. Kids deal with things differently and maybe she just needs more time. Let her know you are there, but don't over crowd her or "force" an emotion on her like tears. She is greiving in her own way. Let her come to you. when she's ready to talk, let her. I know its so cliche, but time works miracle and helps to heal the heart.
R.,
I can relate to what you are talking about. We lost my grandfather this last February and my daughter still talks about it and is still sad. The night we told her that grandpa died she told us that she was told that when people die that their angel wings are stars in the sky. It was very insightful for a girl who is only 6. The night before the funeral she asked if we could go outside to see grandpa. To my suprise there were tons of stars out that night and she saw the brightest one and pointed and said "Look there he is!" Ever since then we let her talk about him whenever she feels she needs to and we look at the stars alot.
Tell your daughter about the stars and that may help. That way everytime she looks up in the sky she will have the comfort in knowing that her grandpa is looking down on her and loving her the same way that he did when he was alive.
I hope this helps.
L. C.
Sorry for your loss. My father passed away in february. 5 days after my daughter was born. I have 5 daughter's 16, 14, 8, 4 & 4months. My two oldest ones lean on each other but my 8 year old holds back her tears and her sadness because she's trying to be strrong for her little sister (4yr old). She also thinks that if she cries than it will cause us to cry and be sad and she wants us all to be happy. She gets it from me. So I have been trying to open up with her about my feeling and I also let her know it's ok to cry whenever you want and however you want. Don't hold back for anyone. Yesterday we had a good talk about missing his laugh and the sound of his voice, The conversation started from her.
They were all really close to him.
If you ever want to talk please feel free to contact me anytime.
When a close friend of ours died, my son did not cry for almost a week. I think he was more in shock than anything.
To help him, we got one of his glow in the dark stars and wrote our friends name on it and stuck it on his ceiling. Now when he looks up at it, he remembers our friend Joe, and my son calls him his "special star in the sky".
This happend about two years ago, and he still recalls the moments that we spent with Joe and his wife and son. He mentions that he misses him, but understands that he is dead. Every once in awhile, I will catch him crying sometimes and he is crying because he misses Joe.
Just keep remembering differant things about your father such as stories and what he looks like. This seems to help.
M. *~
Hi R.,
I'm so sorry about your dad's death. The fact that you're talking to your daughter about it is so important. As was already suggested, there are great books available for helping kids deal with grief. One thing that's important is to speak in plain concrete language. You never know how kids are going to interpret things we say - for example, if you say your father is in the sky, will she hope to see him when she gets on an airplane? If you search for "children and grief" on the internet, there are some excellent websites.
Just remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and that we never "get over" losing someone we love (the feelings just change). There are also resources - like support groups - for grief and loss. In Los Angeles, there's a place called "Our House" which has groups for everyone, based on your relationship to the person who died. If you can find something in your area, it might be helpful to both you and your daughter. And remember to be kind to yourself as you go through the grieving process - your daughter needs you to be a healthy example of how to express difficult emotions. Take care.
I have lost some one every year since 2001 and the first time I lost someone my daughter was three. She took it very hard. My brother just had ababy and named his daughter after my grandmother. His daughter oddly looked identical to my grandmother. one day i went to my grandfathers house and my daughter started screaming" I dont want grandma to be a baby nomore, I want her to be a grown up again!" It was very tramatic for me being thsi was the first person I had ever lost. I'm atttending a grieving group in manteca. There is also one for children if you are interested in this. Call the hospice of san joaquin county they are the ones that do the group. Im sorry for your loss.
