My mother just got put on Hospice. She has Esophegael cancer. Her body is failing and she will not be with us for much longer. I am devistated and find that I cry constantly. I am not ready to lose my mom. Due to my moms failing health, I feel I should prepare my kids for what is to come. Can you help me find some apropriate books?
I love my mom so much. I am so sad for my kids.. they won't get to grow up with thier Mamu...
I am not particularly religious. I wish that I was then maybe losing my mother would make more sense or maybe the pain wouldn't be so bad. So, we have never really discussed heaven and that beliefe. I am not against the Heaven discussion, we just have never had a reason to bring it up. I always believed that my mom would get better.. she is so strong. I have always been honest with my kids and they know Mamu is sick but I think subconsiously I have projected that she will get better as my daughter says to me " mom, I know you are sad but Mamu will feel better soon" . So, I guess I am asking in this ramble of a post , for some suggestions of what to say as my mom will die and how to say things correctly as not to confuse my kids, my daughter is 5 and my son is 20 months old. I am so so sad.
Thank you all for your suggestions on books. My mother passed away on February 7th. The books I ordered hadnt arrived at the time of her passing. My daughter and I did talk about my mom dying two days before she passed and I was amazed at what my daughter told me about the process.. Taylor told me that her Mamu won't be sick anymore after she dies and that her Mamu will always be in her heart. I told Taylor that she could call Mamu anytime she wanted to on her cell phone but that Mamu couldnt speak back to her but would get her messages. My daughter seemed ok with all this. My mom passed away at 6:45pm on Tuesday night. I hadnt told my daughter what happened as I wanted to wait for my husband to be home too. When I went to pick up my kids, from the mil's house, it was close to 11pm. While driving home, my daughter asked to call Mamu. I gave her my cell phone to call my mom. My daughter said this to my mom's phone :"hello Mamu, it's me.. Taylor. I just want you to know that you are a beautiful angel now and that you get to meet other angels. You give the best hugs and kisses and I will miss you but you are in my heart always" . My daugther didnt need me to do anything for her. She and my mom seemed to have it all worked out. I am stunned with connection between my mom and daughter. I miss my mom.. I miss her so much. But at least I know that my daughter will be ok with all of this.
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story Of Life For All Ages
Leo Buscaglia (Author)
4.7 out of 5 stars (96 customer reviews)
listed as for ages 4 and up
my condolences. i can't imagine how hard that must be. when my MIL died (from breast cancer), my girls were 5 and 7. the 7yo definitely took it harder but it came out at weird times. they digested the news that she had died but we didn't get a lot of response until later. my 7yo woke up in the middle of the night crying for her Ama. my 5yo, who is more emotional in general, would get weepy when we were driving but seemed less affected. they both seemed to take comfort in what we told them. that ama would always be in their mind and their hearts.
Start by asking the hospice social worker-- at the very least she'll have a list of books and resources, they may even have a lending library and children's support groups/workshops
I love these books, if you want a non-religious perspective...
http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/
And the quote in this post...
http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=58
My mother-in-law was in hospice and died in our home. My daughters, then 6 and 10, gained so much from the experience...seeing the love, kindness and compassion of the nurses, aids, friends and family has a huge impact on them, in a positive way. As difficult as it was, I would do it again in a heartbeat. Hospice has some wonderful resources available and we found them incredibly helpful. Wishing you peace.
Hospice's have a Chaplain service and grief counseling, so talk to them. Usually they offer service for the family up to a year after the loss. They should have gone over that during the initial visit, unless you were not present during that time. It isn't too late to ask, they need feedback as to what the "needs" are and your Mother may not know to ask either.
Your local "American Cancer Society" and cancer organizations have tons of information, pamphlets and books. The Oncology department at the hospital will also have great resources, especially if it is a major cancer center. There are many publications that are geared for children.
I'm sorry about your mom. It must be incredibably hard to act strong for your children when you are heartbroken. The hospice agency should be able to help you and your children. Ask them what they recommend. They can also help you with berievement.
check with your local library, your local school, & as suggested....the hospital's social worker, the hospice group, & your local churches.
Since you're not religious, will your mom's funeral be in a church? If so, please take your kids to one of your local churches & get them a little acclimated....so that they do have a comfort level. I know this sounds goofy, but please think about how many different venues they'll have to be in thru the process. Familiar surroundings will really help!
& as for the funeral, please allow your children to attend. Please allow them the privilege to say "goodbye" to their gma! Please allow them closure. All of the kids in our family have a high comfort level with both death & attending funerals.....we made it a natural part of their life thru childhood & they are so thankful!
Thru all life events - whether it be weddings, funerals, hospital stays - I have always packed a goody bag for my children (& others). Coloring books, simple toys, non-messy snacks, etc....make a huge difference in children having a high comfort level with life-altering events. Truly does help!
I wish you Peace & Serenity in what is to come. Cry, let the kids see you cry....but, please remember to stay strong & help carry them through this.
If you don't believe in Heaven, then don't tell your child what you don't believe. Tell her your version of the truth. Tell her that your mother is very sick and that some people who are sick do die. And this makes you sad. It will probably make her sad.... and this is the important part that you must tell her and allow her... it is okay for her to be sad. Child do grieve We must allow them to grieve. Give her a picture of your mother and let her have it in her room. After a time when you can tell her good stories about your mother... when you were a little girl or when you were growing up. Stories that will bring her back to life for both of you. Look through scrapbooks. Have her draw pictures. Let grief turn to small joys of remembrance. It will bring you peace.
There are some books I can recommend to read to your daughter. Yesterday was 22 years since my dad died and he is still missed by all the family but we know we will see him again some day in Heaven. To not know that makes death so much harder.
One book is called 'Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs', written by Tomie de Paola. It's a Weekly Reader Children's book club book so may be harder to find. It's not from a Christian view point but is very sweet. The other one is ' Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven' and is from a Christian view point. It's by Maribeth Boelts. Another one is 'What Happens When We Die' by Carolyn Nystrom. It's also a Christian view point. All 3 of these books would be good for a 5 year old.
I hope you will be able to talk about this and I know it's sad and sorry you have to experience cancer, cancer also took my dad.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote Remember the Secret a book that is aimed perfectly for children at the ages yours are. Go online and buy it.
I lost my father a year ago and my oldest at the time was 5 and they were very, very close.
We are christian so God and Heaven come into our grieving proccess frequently.
Two great books that help our daughter are both by Beverly Lewis
"What is God Like?" and "What is Heaven Like?"
Your son really isn't going to feel or notice much of what is going on, but your daughter is going to know very well what is happening and it is going to affect her.
My suggestion is be there for her. Learn when she is truly grieving or when she is manipulative towards you and just wanting attention. We found our daughter would use "I miss Papa" as a way to get attention. If tears were not actually involved then it was a ploy...sad to say but this is an issues we came across. But remember to be there when really needed. We look at pictures a lot, we made a shadow box with grandpas pictures, two shirts he wore frequently and toys that reminded us of him.
Hugs and take each minute as it comes. And whatever you do....do not say "Mamu died in her sleep"
I have read a number of children's book dealing with death and dying, but unfortunately, I don't remember the titles. Go to your local library and tell them what you are looking for, they'd be happy to help you - especially on a topic like this one.
Hospice is wonderful. Please give them a call and ask how you can help you and your children through this process. The social workers will have access to a lot of resources.
My father passed away after a 7 month battle with cancer. My grandchildren were 5, 4 and 2 at the time. They really didn't understand much of what was going on and had a lot of questions for many months after. The thing we learned was that it's ok to say you don't know why something happened. You don't have to have an answer for everything.
Mostly just know that it's ok to be sad and cry. You don't have to be strong for anyone. The death of a parent is just a terrible loss. You need to go through the process to grieving too.
First I would like to say how SORRY I am for what you are going through. I have cared for three cancer patients in my home and have had Hospice for all of them. My children have been here through all of them and have dealt with it very well. Hospice is wonderful and will provide you with any advice you need so go to them. They have grief counselors that can advise you and even speak with your five year old to help her process things. My children were 4 and 1 when my mother in law passed in my home on hospice and they did really well, and having them so close by really made my mother in laws last days full of joy and peace. I would ask her if their noise bothered her and she would tell me it was music to her ears!! Death is a part of life and the more natural you are with it the better your children will handle it. It is okay to cry and for your children to see you sad, embrace them and reassure them that you are okay, you are just sad, and give them a huge hug everyday!! Talk to the hospice counselors they are AMAZING and very helpful!! Good luck and again I am so sorry for what you are going through!! Hugs to you and your family!!
It's okay to cry, even in front of your children. My mom died 4.5 years ago when my son was 1 and I was 6 months pregnant. Your kids will remember Mamu from their own memories but mainly from the stories that you tell them. She will live on through your love.
Ask your Hospice social worker, they will have great resources. In Portland, there is the Dougey (sp?) Center which specializes in grieving children. They even offer a few camps in the summer.
I understand your concern with "heaven", I have similar beliefs. I ended up using it though to help explain to my kids. As they get a little older (my oldest is 5.5) we talk more about it. I tell him I believe that "heaven" is all around us and we can still talk to Gram and she is watching us.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself. I feel so much sadness for you, losing a mom is awful. Message me if you want to "talk" more.
I am so sorry, it must be very hard. As young kids, I think it is important to let them know that it is okay to be sad, but that death is also normal, not something horrible that should be feared. I think it's important to make it normal. And because they see you crying and you are their rock, it's important for you to let them know that even grown ups cry when they are sad and that's it's okay.
It may help to talk about "where" she is going. When we had a death, we talked about her going to "Rainbow Bridge". Now when something or someone dies, my son says that they've gone to rainbow bridge where they are greeted by everyone who loves them.
