Husbands Obsession with Granddaughter

.

Well, what does his Granddaughter's parents, think???? About all of this??? And his 'obsession' with her???

Next, if you have marital problems, you and he have to talk about it... together. And you have to broach that subject, with him.
Communication.
To say the least.

Why does he live out of State? You said he is retired.
So, why do you both live, separately in different States???
You only see each other every 3-4 months.
That is not, much at all.

Now aside from that, well, perhaps his preoccupation with his Grand-daughter, is a bit.... much. It sounds like it to me.
It does seem.... inappropriate, to me.
And over-board.
Again, what do her parents, think?

Hi K.,

Your post just made me break out in a cold sweat and I felt nauseous, having immediate flashbacks to my youth, albeit a bit older. I was that child with whom my grandfather was 'obsessed'. Therefore, I may be projecting. This does not seem normal to me IN ANY WAY. He should NOT have to go over to an entirely different house and give this child a kiss every time he leaves his house. He should not have an intense need for rigidity and deception with the schedule of when and where he will have her.

Does your husband have any daughters and what is his relationship with them?

Is this child his son's daughter or his daughter's daughter?

You said he just integrated her into his life in the last year and a half.... what was going on before that she was NOT in his life? I know you indicate that is when the parents divorced. But why was she not in his life before?

If the granddaughter is spending the night at his house 3-4 nights a week - where is she the other 3-4 nights? Whose parental time is he taking?

Please have a conversation with someone. The mom or dad of this child. A daycare teacher or perhaps child services. I am not sure if you can have this kind of conversation with a 3 year old to determine what happens when she is alone with Grandpa?

But there are red flags all over the place for me with this relationship and this post.

As far as you feeling like you don't want to have this kind of relationship with her and people calling you selfish..... If you have been married for 23 months, and she has only been in the picture for 18months then this is a CHANGE to the original agreement. You have a right to be upset if you have told him you would like time for the two of you and he goes behind your back and picks up this child anyway against your wishes. Yes, you probably knew he had a grandchild. But a NORMAL HEALTHY grandparent/grandchild relationship is not 3-4 nights per week and stopping by there every day to give her kisses and taking her on every vacation. So, yes.... you have EVERY RIGHT to question this relationship. AND YOU SHOULD.

NO ONE questioned the relationship between me and my grandfather.

Oh, how I wish they would have.

I'm sorry but is this for real??? Sorry, but this sounds totally ridiculous.

If this is in fact happening, why on earth would you allow this??? I am not someone who cusses but I am feeling a huge urge to do so right now. Forget about your "alone" time, you need to step in and find out if there is anything inappropriate going on and do it NOW!!! Seriously, how well do you really know this man if you have never lived anywhere near each other? My apologies to you for being harsh but this scenario makes me feel sick and extremely concerned.

This definitely doesn't seem right or normal for a grandfather at all. I've heard of grandmothers wanting to see their grandkids every day and nurture them the way they did their own kids, but grandfathers...not so much. My dad loves his grandchildren, but a couple hours on Sunday is enough for him. And as far as giving them a bath, or doing their hair goes, no way would he be comfortable doing that. He would only do it if he absolutely had to as in they were babysitting and my mom got sick or something... I think something else is going on here. You better investigate this matter further.

I wonder what the parents of this child are thinking? Which parent(s) is allowing her to spend 3-4 nights per week at his house? Does he have legal visitation or custody of this child? To be at his house half the time means she is not being raised by her own parents half the time.

I find your description of his actions very strange and yes, obsessive. It sounds like they are alone together alot. Most cases of child molestation happen between relatives or other adults close to the child. Is this possibility something you are concerned about?

Okay, this is creepy. You have all kinds of problems.

1. You live in different states and only see each other every few months.

2. The granddaughter's parents are lazy and I wonder about their competence. They allow her to spend most of the week and nights with their grandpa. This is plain weird.

3. He is loving a doting and grandfather, but even when his wife visits, he prefers a 3 year old company's to his own wife.

4. Communication failure, in that he schedules granddaughter time when it is supposed to be your time, and he schedules without talking to you or making plans.

5. I feel like this is an unhealthy obsession. The little girl is going to be groomed to feel guilty if grandpa can't kiss her on a day she is busy or when she gets older she isn't interested in baths from him and being his little plaything.

6. Grandpa needs to join a Lions Club or the Free Masons or get a hobby or something to occupy his time.

Why are you guys even married? If you want to make it work, you seriously need to have a talk with him and some boundaries made. marital counseling would be a good step.

I find it Creepy.......

Didn't read the other responses.

I see your side of it, however, you have to see his too. He has stepped in as a parental figure in her life. Its not fair to her to be able to see him often, yet when you are in town for a week or 2 she can't see him. That's disrupting to both of their daily/ weekly routines.

This kind of creeps me out!! Giving her a bath, fixing her hair..............YUCK! Look into this further!!

K.,

There are several questions to this picture. Why do you not live with your husband??? I think your husband's obsession is extremely creepy and very innapropriate. There is a difference in Loving and LOVING. He is loving her too much and I really hope there isn't something abusive going on. I would really consider your choices here and see if you can live with this situation. He doesn't sound like he cares about the way you feel and he isn't going to change. How much are you going to put up with??? Why are you letting him treat you second-best?I wish you the best and I hope you post some of the answers to these questions so we can better help you.

M

Hi K.
The word obsession is not a good word in any context.
Its normal for grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren but the nature of the relationship you describe makes me feel uncomfortable.
You are only married less than two years so you should still be in honeymoon phase.The time you spend together should be alone as you only spend very little time together.
My advise would be to talk to your husband in an honest way as you have done here.
Use the word "obsession" and see how he responds.
All the best
B. k

this whole situation is weird. why do you live in another state than your husband?? that is just strange. Have you talked to him?

I agree with you on some aspects and not others. You say, "We both said when we married it was just going to be me and him." No offense at all- but you knew he had a granddaughter when you married him. If my Dad, recently divorced from my Mom, put a new wife over my daughters, his granddaughters, I would be highly pissed off. She is supposed to be a big part of his life! You should absolutely encourage that relationship!

ON THE OTHER HAND, I absolutely agree that if you dont get to spend that much time with your husband, he should value that time a bit more and agree to spend less time with his granddaughter during those days. You need to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Have you tried to talk to him? What does he say?

I think what you are feeling is really natural and I would feel the way you do. Sadly, selfishness is what comes naturally to most of us. And yes, selfishness is wrong. Just the fact that the parents allow him to have the child this often tells me that Grandpa has stepped in as dad. The parents seem to be in a situation where grandpa's willingness to take over is very valualbe and helpful to them at this time. Maybe I'm wrong and there is something creapy here, but my sense is that he's parenting this child. I feel for you. However, if you were the blood grandma, you'd be rolling up your sleaves doing all you could for this little girl as well. Divorce and remarriage continue to short change children and grandchildren thier whole lives. Consider it from that angle too. Divorce and remarriage when kids are involved is messy. This is a mess. No solutions, only to say, I feel your pain, I feel your husbands's pain too. Hope you can find a way to incorporate the little girl into your life.

No you are not wrong for feeling this way. He is the grandparent, not the parent. I don't feel that you signed up for this at all. Express your boundaries/wants/needs to him. I would suggest you journal about your feelings...get it ALL out on paper so you can see how odd his behavior is. Sit down with a friend or two for a long chat about his. I get clarity when I talk and journal. That is sometimes how answers appear to me.

But any grown man that is this obsessive over a young child could have some serious issues. His house looks like a day-care center? I know some pretty doting grandparents and this sounds extreme to say the least. It does raise a red flag and apparently I am not the only one that thinks so.

I'm sorry that you have a man like this. He sounds odd. The man you love should cherish you and really, everything else should be second in his life. Even my husband try to demonstrate to our daughter that our marriage and love is a priority. Doesn't mean that we don't love our daughter more than anything, just means that we need to cherish our each other as much as her or we won't have a marriage.

Sounds like you are a pretty selfish person. Although he does seem to be a bit obsessed, you sound like you are on the other end of the spectrum. I hope my kid's grandparents never talk about them like you just did her. If you need to spend more time with your hubby, how about moving in with him.

You have a right to want intimate alone time, but he is lonely and she fills the gap. He only gets to see his wife every couple of months. He's just now been allowed to have his granddaughter in his life. I understand his deep attachment to her. I understand your frustration, but not your resentment. He's not obsessed. He loves her dearly and she fills his time and his heart when his wife isn't around. I would calmly explain, without harsh judgement, that when you get to see him, you want his undivided attention, as much as possible and that you would like to be treated like the lady of the house. You should be consulted before inviting overnight guests. I think it would also be good if you tried to forge a gramma bond with this grandbaby. She's your family too!

I understand how you must feel.

Talk to him.

Your time together is precious. He can see his granddaughter whenever he'd like since they live nearby.

I think he should be able to give you, as his wife, the time you need from him. How can you remain a married couple without living as married people do??

Best wishes-

Clearly you don't want to share your love with this needy child.
Get out of the marriage and your husband will find someone who can
share and give love. You didn't want to be with him all the time which is odd.
It is sad that you don't find this situation to your liking. Many middle
aged woman would love to have a second/temporary chance at having
a child to take care of and love. Love multiplies if you want it to.
Good luck and I am sorry you don't find the little girl to your liking. I
am sure some kind person will.

Becareful K. J.. Having a girlfriend, fiance now wife out-of-state may be very convenient for what a man like this is really all about. For this child's safety I truly hope that I am wrong.

I see a couple of problems with this scenario. First, why don't you live with your husband? Seeing each other every 3 to 4 months is not a healthy marriage in the making. Also, you sound annoyed that this child is in her grandfather's life. You are going to have to accept it.

Now, I would talk to him about wanting some alone time when you are there. If he had a family before he married you, he has a family now as well. This "going to be me and him". Doesn't bode well either.

You need to have a talk with hubby that you miss the "alone" time. Next, you need to spend MORE time with hubby.