My father is extremely attached to my 9 yr old daughter- always has been. We live 5 hours away by plane from my parents. My father has created a pattern of visiting us (I live with my boyfriend of 3 yrs in a house with my daughter) about every other month, for about 5-7 days at a time (staying with us, of course).
I am feeling guilty about feeling resentful. I am grateful that he is there for my daughter, although it is very clear that when he comes to visit, it is not to see me or my boyfriend. This makes for an uncomfortable visit each time. For example, we took my daughter ice skating, and invited my father to eat dinner with us at the restaurant at the rink (there is a window where you can see the rink from the restaurant). My father told me what he wanted, and then proceeded to sit at a table facing the rink, instead of sitting w. me and my boyfriend. He was literally inches away from our table, and yet he had hs back to us the whole time.
Another thing, it seems as if my father wants my daughter all to himself when he visits. He kind of "hijacks" her. Once, he went to the store, and when he returned to the house, he saw that my daughter was sitting inbetween my boyfriend and me, watching t.v. I got the sense that he was jealous. He went into the room and stayed there alone, instead of interacting with all of us. I felt a strange vibe.
Anyway, I guess there are a lot of issues to be touched upon here, but the one question I wanted to ask other moms was this: How much is too much when it comes to grandparents? I kind of feel like he comes too often. He just left yesterday, and he tells us that he is planning on returning December. Oh, and he has come many times unannounced. He will just pop up in the state and on our doorstep. I have told him to let us know when he is planning on coming, but this time he claimed he had to help my sibling (who lives in the same area) with something. But yet, we still had to change our plans around since he stayed with us for 5 nights.
Anyone have a similar situation or have any advice?
To answer some of your questions: No, my father wasn't like this when we were younger. I mean, he was affectionate and took us out to lots of places, but he wasn't this obsessive. He even keeps some of my daughter's hair in a sandwich bag. I know...creepy, right? It's hard for me to accuse him of being creepy, when a part of me just thinks that maybe he just favors her..?
Another thing: This past visit was unannounced, and my daughter had many plans for the weekend, one being to attend the Fall Festival with her best friend and chaperone for a few hours. Well, when my father found out she was going to the Fall Festival, he told me that he couldnt believe my daughter was choosing to hang out with her friend instead of staying with him, and that he was hurt. I explained that she had this planned, and that she wanted to be with her friends for a while.
It's things like this that make it seem a bit over the top. He also tells my daughter that his heart will be breaking until he sees her again. She used to cry a lot when he would leave town, but now she is fine with it. I see that now that she is getting older, her attachment to him is lessening, and she is becoming more independent and not so entranced with him.
As far as the incident where he sat at a table next to us, and not w/ us, I asked him why he wasn't sitting with us to eat, and he said he wanted to watch my daughter because he was leaving town in a few days. I asked "what am I, chopped liver", but not in a joking way..and he just laughed it off and turned his back again. It was just very uncomfortable to eat dinner with him inches away, not talking to us.
I do not wish to spend alone time with him, so it's not that I am wanting him to focus his energy onto me; unfortunately, he isn't the warm dad I wish I had, rather, he tends to be an angry and rude person, who has always been known to not make people feel welcome in his house, or to be friendly to many people. I just think it is very rude for him to ignore me and my bf as if we aren't there, when we are welcoming him into our house on a continuous basis.
Thanks for the feedback, wonderful moms! It helps to get this out of my system and see other peoples' views. :)
Sorry but this sounds a little creepy to me. I don't think it's a normal type of interaction/relationship on his party. He is not abusing her is he? sorry to ask. It's time to have a serious conversation about this situation with him. Otherwise, he doesn't get to come and visit like he's been doing.
I would go with your gut feelings and talk to your daughter and your father (separate from each other) as well as lay down some ground rules about visits, how often, dropping in out of the blue, etc.
I got bad vibes just from reading your post (I'm psychic). I can't and won't say if he's abusing her, because I don't know. Another poster wanted to know if he was always like that with you when you were younger and now that you have a boyfriend, maybe he's shifted all of his attention on to your daughter? Even so, that's not right or normal. Reading this and how to treats your daughter and then treats you just gave me so much "ick" my hair was practically standing on end. Is your mom alive? Is she living with your father? Why is it that your father always comes alone to visit? What's going on in your parent's relationship?
Something isn't right here and you need to figure out what it is. Maybe it's something as simple as your parents don't have a good and nourishing relationship anymore--is it on the rocks? Could your father be replacing his granddaughter as someone he's attaching himself to (that's still wrong, in any case)? Is your daughter the only grandchild (I didn't see you say anything about any other grandchildren--if there are any, does he act this way with any of them?)
You need to do more digging and discover what's going on.
why not be honest and tell him you miss him too and would like to spend some alone time with him away from his granddaughter and you sometimes feel he J. wants to see her?
Also for M. as long as i got along with my parent I'd love it, it's onoly 5 nights every 60 days...if you lived close it would be a lot more, and he probably realizes theres not many years left that she'll want to see him so much. take advantage of your time and go on date nights when hes there
My son is only 34 months and my Mom lives close by, but you are showing me what my life will be like soon. It is obvious when my Mom visits or calls that she only wants to know about my son and spend time with my son. She has actually come over and said Hi to him and not my husband and I. She will bring him cookies in her purse even though we ask her not too. She encourages him to do things that he shouldn't- like jump on the couch. It's very aggravating. I want them to have a relationship, I just don't understand why she can't be more like other grandmothers.
Completely agree with AV (can't make out the symbols...). Something's not right. I would hate to suggest molestation, but this man is obsessed - maybe he's depressed, maybe he sees something in her that reminds him of you as a little girl or your mother when she was young - in any case, this isn't okay.
My dad ADORES my little girl. But he doesn't keep her clothes or hair or anything... he does miss her when he hasn't seen in a while (we live 20 minutes away, so a while is a week to him), but so does my husband's mother. I don't think anything he does is "creepy," and the fact that you think even ONE thing he does is creepy says something.
At the very least, he can no longer stay with you unless he makes plans ahead of time, and maybe not even then.
I would definitely talk to your daughter - see what her take is on the situation. She may or may not want to discuss it - especially if she thinks he won't love her anymore if she "tells."
I hate to bring this up but... Is he ever alone with her? We found out recently that my SIL was repeated raped by her grandfather. I pray that is not the situation with your daughter and that she would tell you if she had been molested. Besides that, how does she feel about the attention?
Either way, you are going to have to be firmer with him about how much visiting he can do.
In my family, we have the opposite problem. None of the grandparents had much interest in my boys. Neither situation is good.
In addition to what others have said, I am wondering where your mother is in all this. Are your parents still together? You said they live 5 hours from you, yet it's only your father coming out to visit like this? If they are still together, why isn't your mom coming along too?
If it makes you uncomfortable, you need to go with your gut. I would not allow any unannounced visits or any time with him alone with your daughter. I agree that his mannerisms and the way you say he behaves seems over the top. And if he can't be nice and polite to the 2 of you, then he doesn't need to visit quite so often.
I think you need to discuss boundaries. Start with "you need to tell us before you visit". Especially as she gets older, he will interfere with her plans and life.
The doting thing seems odd, in that he also ignores you. It's like he has an unhealthy attachment to her. When he does things like ignore you at the table, what do you say?
The long and short is that his behavior is intrusive and you are not comfortable with it. Doesn't matter if it's 5 days of 60 or 5 days of 365. If it bothers you, then something is not right.
With your edits, I think he's out of line. Something is not right here. Keeps her hair in a baggie? Made her cry when he left? Gets upset when she has other plans? I know he's your dad, but that really sets off my radar. That's more than being an involved grandfather. That's a man with an obsession on a little girl.
All interactions with adults need to be carefully discussed and your daughter is old enough for a frank conversation about personal space and good touch bad touch. But I am not sating he is creepy just because he loves her.
I think he sounds wonderful. If she is enjoying him, then I wou
ld not interfere.
You are right, there is a strange vibe going on.
If you have a problem setting boundaries with him, could you find a counselor who could guide you about boundaries and how to enforce them? You don't need to figure out if this is too much doting. You already know you are uncomfortable, and that is issue enough.
What he is doing is not healthy for anyone involved. And reading this post makes me concerned for your daughter.
I have a somewhat similar situation in my family. What I did was stop interacting with the relative. Your post has reminded me that I made the right choice.
Wow, so many things going on here.
If it's just the frequency of the visits, that wouldn't bother me. I don't think it's too much. I would NOT like him dropping in. You need to let him know he is welcome but it needs to be convenient for all. As your daughter is 9 you could even suggest that she might be away on sleep overs so he should check.
Do you think he ignored you at the rink to give your BF and yourself some privacy?
IF on the other hand, you think he is jealous, or something else is going on, trust your gut. See what your daughter says too. What do they do when he "hijacks" her? Could be just a doting granddad -- I had a friend whose dad called her every day even when she was married!!! But if you think there's something weird, keep an eye out and don't leave them alone.
No, I don't have a similar situation but clearly your father has some sort of attachment issues. Were you spoiled by your father growing up? Does he feel that maybe now that you are grown and have another man in your life he feels he needs to smother your daughter to try to rekindle what he once had with his little girl (you)? Just some thoughts.
Better communication might help. You would do well to tell your father what YOUR needs are. Don't tell him what you think he's doing wrong, which will only cause defensiveness and shut down any real communication. Report your feelings, and try to describe what you need that would serve you better. You can reasonably observe that when X happens, YOU feel tense, annoyed, lonely, perplexed, sad, jealous, or any other actual emotion. Therefore, YOU hope that more Z or Z could happen when he's visiting.
As in, "Dad, when you dropped in last night, I was amazed and rather upset, because we didn't even know you were coming. I need advance arrangements from you, and I expect you NOT to drop in without making sure that works for us first." Or, "Dad, I love to spend time with you, but I notice you turn away from me and BF when our daughter is anywhere around. I'm so grateful you love her. And I need some of your attention, too."
Avoid "concept" language like "I feel dismissed, used, unloved, ignored, uneasy, manipulated," etc. Those are fighting words, because they suggest to blame, and what you say and what he hears will be entirely different.
You also have a right to turn him away, if you have the guts to do so, when you've made your needs clear and he ignores them. "Oh, Dad, I had no idea you were in town. You know, it's late and we have other plans for early tomorrow. So it will not work for us to have you stay here tonight. Please help us plan ahead next time." Or, "Dad, I hear you'd like to come again in December. And that won't work for me. I feel too much pressure from the frequency of your visits."
Now, I hope you'll realize that a grandparents' love is not a rational thing, and feels like a very compelling need for many of us. I get to spend a day a week with my grandson, and I know my bond with him is special and positive for him as well as me. I really try to fit into the family and be of service, and I have always been made welcome, but I know that some grandparents expect to be catered to.
So you'll need to feel your way through to exactly what your issues are with your dad's visits, why and how they make you so uncomfortable, and address each of those issues to see whether they can be resolved. I expect that with some thoughtful attention and clear stating of your feelings and needs, your father might be able to fit himself into your life in a way that meets both of your needs, and gives your daughter one more caring adult in her life.
I haven't had to deal with this since my father and my hubby's father have both passed away. I would just talk to your dad and let him know how you feel, that you want him to spend time with your and you bf too. I think he just wants to enjoy every moment he can with her, maybe his grandfather didn't spend much time with him. Where is your mom? Did they divorce? He could be very lonely too.
I think you need to have a very direct conversation with him..."Dad, while I love that you have a great relationship w/ Suzie and I know she values your time together, we need to reach an understanding regarding your visits. When you come to visit, we know you want to spend as much time with her as possible so it is imperative that you schedule your visits ahead of time. We'd hate for you to come when we/she has plans because you will be disappointed or possibly have wasted a trip if we're not available. If you are staying with us for 5-7 days at a time, I need you to realize that we are not necessarily available for all of that time and Suzie's growing up now and has other activities. Maybe you can change your plans to be just a long weekend or a little less often."
It does seem a bit odd to me...is there any chance something less than kosher is happening? It does seem a bit obsessive.
