My younger sister (22) and her boyfriend (24) lived in my parents house rent free for over 2 years with their daughter who will be 2 next month. I LOVE my sister and niece (who is also my God-daughter) but her boyfriend leaves things to be desired. He was fairly rude in my parents house both to them and my sister, will grab my niece up by her arm to get her to stop doing things, and is definiteyl verbally abusive to my sister (though she does not wsee it that way). So they moved into their own place this month (so glad for them!) but my sister's boyfriend has gone from bad to worse. He used to threaten to leave her only sometimes, now he does it weekly. He "works" from early in the morning to late at night (even including some weekends) laying wood floors, but his paychecks do not reflect him working these 60 hour weeks (my sister has had me deposit his checks for him sometimes.) He will also tell my sister he is only with her because of the baby, yell at her for not having the house spotless (she works as a nanny and attends school online full-time) and does absolutely everything in the house. He even left a hole in the wall of the room they used at my parents house because my texting my sister one night made him so mad that he threw her phone through the wall. He never even told my parents thank you for 3 years of rent free, utility free, food free, etc living. In the mean-time, they both drive nice cars and continue to take vacations, when they make maybe $35-40k combined...not enough in the area we live in to raise a family of 3 and live the life they do. So today my parents had all of the family over for a BBQ and my sister's bf REFUSES to come because he doesn't "like" my parents. My mom and him have had words, but only because my dad works late and isn't home often when the bf was to have the discussions with him. But I think this is SO rude. And my sister only stayed for an hour, before she went to see his family for the night. I suggested she boycott his family like he is ours and she says that he only doesn't like my mom so he won't come. WELL - I told her that was childish and completey ungrateful for the fact that as a grown man he mooched off of our parents for 3 years and didnt even say thank you. I feel bad - but I need to find a better way to get her to open her eyes. OH! She also has a black eye (my sister) and she said my nieve head butted her...my niece is a rough little lady, but feels SO bad when she hurts someone. And my sister said she did that and then laughed...I think her bf hit her. What else can I do besides be supportive of my sister and niece to get her to realize this guy is bad news until she makes him see he needs to treat her better?
I think she is afraid to be a single parent - but she already basically is since he is never home and is not an active participant when he is home.
yuck, sorry for all this
you got lots of great advice.....i would try to *check* your sis & the babies body for bruises, just take note don't be accusatory
Laurie A. had excellent advice. Stop trying to "get her" to do what you want. Stop trying to draw those lines in the sand. Hopefully she will eventually get the strength to do what SHE NEEDS to do. I don't think advising her to act in a tit-for-tat manner is wise--after all, she is trying to live within this life she has made. (right or wrong)
All you can do is to let her know (through action and word) that you are there if she needs you when the day comes.
Sounds like she picked a real winner.
You've gotten some good advise here. I'll add Every time you witness him disrespecting your sister say "Oh dear, I hate for my niece to grow up thinking that's how men should treat her." keep it all about your niece she is more likely to protect her than to protect herself. "oh it must make little Suzie feel horrible when he talks about her Mom/Grandmom that way" "Oh my I hope she doesnt pick a husband who's mean to her" Just constantly remind her she is THE role model for her daughter. "I hope she never goes out with a guy who talks to her like that" This will not be easy or quick. Does she know a single mom who is a good role model that she CAN raise a child alone? If she continues to get her degree she may feel more confident to go it alone.
your sister and her kid's dad didnt get a chance to launch. He feels bad and undermined since your dad supported them for 3 years.
Your sister needs to be independent of him if it all goes crazy.
Families dont need to be in each others business 24/7... it's the worst thing you can do.
They need to be left to their own devices and allowed to make their own decisions.
When b/f gets a chance to grow up, he will thank them for helping him and your sister, if he's not allowed that chance it will never work.
Your sis needs to quit sharing their private life unless she's abused. If she's abused you need to tell her to get out.
If she doesnt, y'all need to leave them alone.
I honestly would remove yourself from the picture. Do not offer any advice. Your sister seems to not want to hear anything or is comfortable with the way things are in her home. Most people have to hit a rock bottom before anything can open their eyes. Unfortunately, it may have to get a whole lot worse with the BF for her to start seeing how much he hurts her and their child etc. You can't change him, but you can change how you react to him. My suggestion is to allow your sister time to figure this out herself and if she wants to talk to you about it, she will come to you. As far as the black eye goes---keep an eye out for any other signs.
Hopefully she will see that he is bad news and break it off with him. She would be much better off as a single parent then one with an abusive bf.
M
If I go just on this post, he sounds emotionally abusive to your sister. This is way beyond rude. He was like that at your mother's and then it escalated when they got their own place... and if he's now hitting her it'll only get worse and worse. The fact that he's rough with the baby is startling and worrying. He's isolating himself from your family which is classic of a domestic abuser and the next step will likely be that he slowly cuts her off and doesn't allow her to have much contact with her own family so that she has no support system.
Your sister may very well be in the mindset of a battered woman with Battered Woman Syndrome if it's as bad as you say and think it is. And often, if you think it's bad, it's actually worse.
I don't think she's ready yet to leave him, unfortunately, but you can be her safe place. Tell her that no matter what you will always be her safe place to come with her child if she feels like she's in trouble. Tell her that she can tell you anything and you won't judge her. Tell her that if all she wants to do is talk and you listen without giving advise, you're willing to do that too. Tell her that when she's ready she has a place to stay with you. Frequently tell her that you love her. Don't allow her boyfriend to cut her off from you. Pop in for visits, call her often, text her, whatever. If she stops making plans with you, then you'll know something is up. If you notice the baby acting differently (upset, crying all the time, clingy, doesn't want to leave to go home or to go to her father) or the baby starts getting serious injuries then call CPS (they can help your sister).
The point is that you need to be her soft place to land. The more she hears you bad mouthing her man, the more she'll resist and want to defend him even if she knows you're right. I wouldn't talk about him but ask about the baby, talk about her and the baby, family, friends, making plans, talk about anything else but her boyfriend. If you treat her well versus how he's treating her, that could help. And if he mistreats their child hopefully her mothering instincts will kick in and she'll want to protect her baby rather than go with, "But I have to at least try, he's my baby's father!"
love is blind,
and not real bright.
but you cant force her to wake up and leave the guy, but you can document and take pictures of every bruise you see on her or her kids, because if he is beating her, its only a matter of time before he starts hurting the kids.you can also talk to the neighbors and see what they have to say about this guy, then get all your witness statements together and go to the police or social services take your pick
K. h.
all right, confession time, i was involved in an abusive relationship, with a guy, after my first husband died of a hear attack at 42. this guy was a friend of my late husbands, i had known him , or thought i knew him , for years.
when my first husband died, this guy was only too happy to come by and help me clean, sort, toss and pack up my first husbands things, and, eventually, rent a room from him at his house, while i decided what i wanted to do, things went ok, but things slowly started to change once i moved in to his house, first, he forgot how to clean up after himself, then he started complaining about the state of the house, then he started making "suggestions" what who i talked to, where i went, what i did, where i worked, little did i know, he was also intimidating anyone who even sensed that something was wrong. then 2 things happened, i went out to dinner with another guy, the guy who is now my other half and my babys father, and mr. control freak, got engaged, TO MY COUSIN.things went down hill fast from there, but i moved out on mr creepy and i never looked back
K. h.
