Husbands Close Friend Is a Female

I guess my question to you would be "If it really doesn't bother you, then why are you posting a question on here?".

My point it, it bothers you so something is wrong. Who cares if you are jealous or not - if you asked him to not be friends with someone - male or female - would he be able to break off that relationship without blinking?

I have never dealt with this because I would never accept it in my marriage.

IMHO it's inappropriate. To me it has nothing to do with feeling threatened.

My best friend (besides my husband) is a male. We have been in a band together for 10-1/2 years and my husband totally is fine with that. He even refers to him as my "girlfriend" is on the phone etc. when he calls. My buddy has been married for a couple of years, but he was a single Dad for many years and we just bonded. His wife is totally fine and she is even in the band now as a back up singer and her and I get along fine too.

I wouldn't be too worried about what they discuss and if he bounces things off of her for a perspective on things maybe its a good thing. It helps him to understand you better.

Just realize she is a friend and can never replace you because if that was the issue he would have never chosen you!!

Your feelings are valid, and it has nothing to do with whether or not you think your husband is cheating on you.

Our spouses have a special place in our heart, & we share intimate lives with each other. When a spouse has a close friend of the opposite sex (this applies for both spouses!), care needs to be taken to guard our relationship with our spouse.

We share our best moments, & our -worst- with each other. When we have friends, we tend to get to pick only the best moments together.

If you think of your relationship as a bank, every good moment you have together is a deposit, & bad moments are withdrawals. As spouses, we have a very large starting balance, while new people in our lives start at zero & need to build their way up.

But if we don't guard against these friendships & make sure to 'build up' our spouses to other people, then soon their account in our life becomes significant, and can diminish our spouse in our eyes.

I am currently a student, at age 38, surrounded by young 20-somethings, all of which tend to be single & goodlooking. Before that, I worked in an office, and most of my coworkers were men, married or not, around my age. As such, I've made a conscious decision to always make sure to mention my spouse to others, discuss my life as a married person, not an individual, & to speak positively about him to others.

If I need to spill the beans about something my husband did to infuriate me, I go to my closest girlfriend. I do not open up with the male friends I have, because I want to make sure that at the end of the day, they do not come out smelling like roses over my husband, in my mind.

I would talk to your husband, & let him know how you are feeling. If it's true, tell him you don't have a problem with his friendship, but ask that he guard his heart & your marriage by the things that he shares with her.

And as soon as possible, I would get together as couples, and build a friendship openly with her & her spouse. T.

ETA: I think Christy Lee & I were sharing one mind when we wrote our responses!

My husband works in an office with 15 women. He's the only male. And he's the clinic manager. So he's a male in an authority position.

The most important thing that he does when it comes to his working relationships with these women is to place hedges of protection around our marriage. He talks about me. He makes it clear that he's happily married. And he doesn't get close with any of these women, because being close to him is MY job.

I think it's important that you talk with your husband. Make it clear that you don't want any other woman taking on your role as best friend and confidante. That, if there are issues, you want to know them first. If there is something to be excited or happy about, you want to know first. That YOU come first, before anyone else.

If you feel like this other woman is infringing upon your marital relationship, I absolutely think it's acceptable and normal for you, as his wife, to say that the friendship has gone too far. Many here are going to say, "oh, you're being unreasonable, stop being jealous, it's okay to have friends of the opposite sex." But I don't necessarily agree. The most important friendship you have is your marriage, and it should be protected by both of you. Having friends of the opposite sex that he goes to, instead of you, when things get difficult, is a big nasty can of worms that shouldn't even be opened.

That said, perhaps you could make friends with them (hub's friend and her husband) as a couple and do things together as a couple. That would be, in my opinion, an appropriate relationship to have.

ETA: If I could give Tara 100 flowers, I would. Her post is right on point. Excellent.

Married men don't have close female friends. Married men don't text/talk have lunch with married women. End of story.
Share your thoughts and concerns with your husband. If he is half the man you think he is, he'll end the friendship.
If says you're being silly, there's nothing to worry about, he's not going to stop talking to her just because you say so. Then you got problems.

'Round here, we call that the "work wife" .... My husband has one. She keeps him straight at work. She's retiring soon and I know they'll miss working together. I trust her completely. When I was working, I had a "work husband". We're still friends, but I'm also close with his wife and daughter, as her kids are close in age to ours. What a blessing for your husband.

Many of my close friends are men. It's always been that way.
And yes, they talk to me about their significant others.

More often than not, I find that I am defending - or giving the female point of view - on the issue in question.

So while I don't know what he talks about and all that, you just may have someone advocating for you that you don't know about, if there are issues he's discussing with her.

Just food for thought from "the other woman". :)
I realize you don't want your dirty laundry aired. But it may work to your advantage if he does it with a girl friend, rather than a dude....

This is tough for me.

One of my closest friends is a male. He offers a unique perspective to things I might deal with in my marriage and my husband. My husband does not have a problem with this relationship/friendship. He knows that there is NOTHING sexual there.

How about having a heart-to-heart with your husband about your feelings? Do it on neutral ground, not at home....go for a walk...go out to dinner....

Honey, I'm feeling a tad jealous about Sue. I feel you are saying things to her you should be saying to me. I feel you are sharing things with her that you should be sharing with me and it bothers me. Are their ground rules we can set up?

So I guess I have more questions than answers...

How did they meet?
How long have they known each other?
Did this relationship start BEFORE or AFTER you were married?
What do they have in common that you and your husband do not?
Why are you jealous of her? Especially if you are confident in your marriage and trust your husband?

My husband has a female friend that is happily married - in fact - he was in their wedding - I don't have a problem with them talking either. They don't text. NOW **IF** my husband starting texting? Yeah - I'd get a tad upset - he doesn't text ME!!! :)

If you feel threatened by her emotionally - what have you said to your husband? What has been his response? Is this something that JUST started happening for you or what?

If you feel threatened with her emotionally - have you tried finding out what they talk about? If he is complaining about you to her - what is her response? Does she guide him in how to understand you as a female, coming from a female prospective?

I'm sorry I had more questions than advice. I know there are couples that have a ground rule of no "close" friends that are of the opposite sex. And that works for them. You need to find out what works for you and your marriage....because what works for mine - might not work for yours!!

Prayers coming your way!!!

I have a good male friend. My husband has a good female friend. We have been married 25 years. There are no issues. We occasionally go out as couples, but while his female friend is a nice woman she is not my friend. Also, as couples I usually end up talking to my male friend's wife, and again, she is lovely, just not my type of friend. So we prefer to see our own friends without the other. I would not invite my husband along to chat about kid stuff with my girlfriend, and he does not really care to join me to chat with my male friend about my work and industry (that he is not in). Plus he says he dislikes when we get together and talk for half an hour about what former co-workers are doing that he does not know. As long as you don't find it a problem, it isn't.

My husband and I do not have friends of the opposite sex. It's something that we chose. We believe that those relationships create a vulnerability in our marriage. Many people don't operate that way, and that's perfectly fine.

I think it's important to decide what it is, specifically, that's bothering you. Is it the relationship in general? Is it the phone/texting? Is it that she doesn't try harder to include you in the friendship? There's a problem there, and it doesn't seem to be insecurity or trust, that I think needs to be addressed and fixed. I personally wouldn't like my husband talking/texting with another woman, but that's just my opinion.

I think you're justified in feeling the way you do. A door is left open, your husband needs to shut it.

My BFF in college was a guy. He started a relationship with a girl that did not like how close we were. It strained our relationship and it was not worth it to me, I walked away. Guess what, he had a child with her but, they still broke up. She had trust issues...I was not the issue.

We never talked about each others significant others. That is not why we were so close. He was a brother to me that always made me laugh.

I think you're fine, but I do understand how even if there are no red flags in the situation, it is still awkward to know your husband spends time with "another woman".

My husband also has a close friend who is female. When I started dating him, they were roommates (they know each other from high school). She had a boyfriend at the time who she also ended up married to. Now we live just a few blocks apart. She really whipped him into shape when she lived with him, so I have her to thank for that. He was well taken care of by his mom so it would've take years to untrain that on my own.

One big thing that helps is that she and I have also become friends and include each other in girl-oriented events we've had (showers, girls nights, etc). But there are still things that they do that I am sorta out of the loop on they like the same kind of music, go to shows I don't want to bother with, that kind of thing. Or she might take a "snow day" from work and my hubs will wanna join her to go snowboarding. That's when it feels just a little weird and its hard to say why. If my husband were to take a day off to go snowboarding with the guys, I'd be supportive for guy time. If he was going with his dad, I'd be supportive of family time. But for some reason I feel less supportive for a snow day with the girl bff... it starts to feel like, hey your taking a day off, you should spend it with US! It must be some illogical biological jealousy response or something.

I think you have the same thing going on. You know there is nothing there, you are welcome to lunch with them, be her FB friend etc etc, yet you still have this weird feeling. I think its just built in us. I wouldn't let it worry you too much. Just keep putting in the effort to build your own small relationship with her. Honestly my husbands friend and I bonded so well because she can totally understand my gripes about my husband. She knows him so well, she knows what I put up with :) I actually think she probably thinks I am some kind of saint, or at least a super easygoing chill chick. Have to be with my husbands antics! Definitely try to get the families together and bond on a female level.

If you trust him 100%, why do you feel emotionally threatened by her?
What makes you think he complains about you to her? Have you asked him if he discusses your relationship with her? Told him that you would rather he not?

Hi Ali, I think the question is, what are your instincts telling you? I doubt you would've posted this question, or be uncomfortable with this friendship, if there wasn't something about it that was really bugging you. The women I've known who have been cheated on have always said 'Trust your gut.' So, if your gut is telling you that something other than friendship is going on, or the potential for something inappropriate to happen is there, you need to sit down and talk this out with your husband. If he loves you, he will respect your feelings; it may be just a matter of making sure they are not alone together, and inviting someone else along on their lunches when she is in town.

If your feelings are more along the lines of, 'I'm really not worried about this, but am I weird for not being worried about it?,' then feel free to let it go. :-)

I get it. Any thoughts around inviting her family over and becoming friends as a couple vs just them? If she's married maybe doing things as couples would ease your concern.

After reading your post along with your "So what happened?" it sounds like you have the perfect marriage - he's your best friend, your confidant, he goes out of his way to make you feel loved and special, he's a family man, you trust him 100%... not sure where the question is. If the above is actually true, then no. There should be no issue with him talking/texting with this woman. From your description, when they're together it's always in a group and they don't even have much in common other than work.

My male friends do not talk to me about their female woes. We do however talk about our interests. Most of my current male friends are gamers and that is what we talk about, while we are gaming.

If he does seek her council here and there it is not to make you look bad, it is to see it from a female's perspective. Honestly, if they do talk about your relationship at all it is probably more so because he respects you.

I am sorry, but your husband having a close female friend like you describe is not acceptable or appropriate. I wouldn't allow it in my marriage, nor would my husband, nor would I expect him to be OK with it.

I have male friends, sure. But I talk to them sporadically and only to catch up. My intimate time (and I don't mean sex, I mean talking, crying, sharing, laughing) is reserved for my special husband. Not another man, at least not on a regular basis.

The fact that you don't even know whether he complains about you to her is a big issue to me. I know what my husband says about me to his guy friends (yes, even occasional bad stuff!)

Your husband needs to show you more respect imo. He can be friends with her, but close friends, uh, nope. Sorry. You gave up that right when you got married. Your wife is now your close female friend.

My husband always said men are never just close friends with women. My husband, in all of his parts, is a very honest, blunt, and right man......To be clear, I am not indicating he is cheating. You already said you know he isn't. But honestly, what does a man get from having such a close relationship with a woman? My husband hates talking to me or any woman about stuff - we talk too much and the stuff we want to talk about is "girly". I don't know many men who enjoy "women" talk on a regular basis.

ETA: After reading the other posts, I figured there would be some suggestions about "getting together" and meeting her and enjoying time with her family as well, pointing out she is married with children. I am not quite sure I understand how that helps.

If your hubby and her are in an inappropriate relationship (sex or not, still inappropriate), I don't see why people believe that her being around while her husband and you are present will change anything. In fact, I think it makes it worse. If I were your husband and were going to cheat with this person, I would feel even more comfortable doing so because I had already made my wife feel comfortable by spending time with my female friend. "see hunny, all is innocent, don't you feel better?".....no thanks.

The majority of cheaters I know, whether mental cheating or physical, is with someone close to the family. So bringing her closer doesn't seem to make much sense to me. If my husband sleeps with my best friend, I would have to say having her around didn't help matters.

I am really interested to know if you have ever brought this up to your husband and how he reacted. I highly doubt this is your first time opening up about it and to us. So, let me know.

ETA: Cheaters do this:
a) make their wife feel super awesome by talking about how wonderful she is, or,
b) not make their wife feel super awesome and never talk about how great she is.

Cheaters also do this:
a) talk about the woman at home as if she is a friend, sneaking her name in here and there to make the wife feel comfortable about the other woman
b) never talk about the other woman and make it a secret

Cheaters also do this:
a) bring the woman around his wife to make her feel more comfortable, or
b) never bring the woman around and hide her completely

Cheaters also do this:
a) post all over facebook about how amazing their wife and kids and pets are (all while still cheating), or,
b) never post about those amazing things on facebook

You get my point? none of that matters. Most of my friends who were cheated on had husbands who were amazing to them, mostly out of guilt and to ensure the wife didn't go looking into what they were doing out of anger. So please, don't be naive. I am NOT saying your husband is cheating, but don't think because he brags about your cooking and your chocolate lab on facebook that he isn't. Just be smart. The bottom line, he shouldn't be texting and lunching with this woman weekly. That should be reserved for you. Does he lunch with you?? He better text you nice things at least!

ETA: ok , just read your SWH - monthly is not often, but I still don't know any married man who regularly lunches with a woman and texts her, etc. I guess we are all odd ducks....I really don't know if there is an issue here. Only you can decide that. The bottom line is you feel uncomfortable right now, and don't you dare let anyone or your husband make you feel like those feelings aren't justified. It may not be your husband has to end this relationship, but if he keeps it, he better be damn sure you are comfortable.

From the experience I have had (I am the friend of the 'female friend' of our mutual male friend-- the male and female friend in question have run a business together since '96).... I would suggest talking to someone about why this upsets you.

You know that there is nothing other than a platonic friendship going on. It sounds like she is getting her emotional needs met at home. Those are good things.

I'm going to just say it: guys complain and brag--both-- to their friends, just as we do with ours. Why would he go to her and complain about you if there aren't any big problems going on? People all complain about their spouses from time to time. If he is complaining, I'm sure he's also shared with her how great he thinks you are, too. PLUS, give her a bit of credit-- she's a mom, she may be able to offer him additional perspective on your behalf. ("Dude, what were you thinking?")

Be careful to figure out what you want to do with your jealousy. I saw my male friend and his wife divorce after a few years--- and unfortunately after they had a kid. This was mostly due to her jealousy. *She* was bonkers about it, she even tried very hard to sabotage MY friendship with the female friend in question and I just ended up being pretty disgusted and ultimately glad to see her go. YOU aren't going to do that, though, right!? ;) Go, try a counselor or something, and figure out how to be okay with this, or how to talk to your husband about it. Don't let your jealousy destroy a good thing. It's sad to see when it happens.

(I should also add that my husband has a lot of female friends and I don't feel like they are an issue. They add insight and color to his life. He's busier than your husband in that he doesn't call/text with them too much, but they do get together from time to time. No biggie.)

ETA: Your SWH is revealing. If most of their conversation is about work, if you have not been given reasons to be concerned about their behavior, I'd really try to work through those feelings, find the fears beneath them.

Your best bet is to keep trying to get to know her better. How long has your husband been friends with her? How would you feel if your husband asked you to get rid of a close friend of yours (male or female)? I understand the feeling you are having, but also understand that if he has a close friendship with her, it may not be reasonable to ask him to cut her out of his life...but it is reasonable to ask for boundaries and for you to be included in the friendship. Keep inviting her and her family over or try to do some double dates, perhaps you will end up making a nice couple of friends and will feel more comfortable with the situation.

I'm kind of on the fence with this one. I know a lot of people who have friends/co-workers of the opposite sex and there is nothing more than friendship there. I also know that I personally have many male friends that I'm very close with, and NEVER ever saw in a light other than friendship. There is one in particular that I've been friends with since I was 9 and his wife does NOT like us hanging out at all, because of insecurities she has from a prior relationship and because I respect my friend I completely respect his wife and her feelings! I've NEVER gone to hang out with him without her because I don't want her to be uncomfortable. She knows her husband wouldn't cheat but because of the close and long relationship he and I have she worries a little. I get it. I consider her a friend, even though I don't know her that well....because she is my dear friends wife and I want her to feel comfortable.

I would honestly suggest having your husband tell you the next time his friend is coming to town (ahead of time) and you can schedule to take the afternoon off to go out to lunch with them. Watch the body language. That should answer all of your questions.

My best friend was a guy. My husband never had a problem with it at all. He knew him. Then my best friend passed away. My husband was never threatened by him at all. We always had and still have a great marriage.

Yeah, ive been married 26 yrs and I know H has a work friend. It used to bother me more. Nobody wants to be talked about. H or wife.

Their friendship cooled a bit and I am more comfortable.

He says he doesn't know why men get divorced and remarry. It's just trading one set of problems for another..uh, ok? Love you, too! Lol
But that's his way of saying its just not practical and if he's anything, he's practical! Sometimes that's all a female friend brings to a guy, perspective!

Let H know that your relationship is off limits for talking about with her. Enough said.

One of my best friends for 20 years is male. My husband knows him and we have even vacationed together as families. When we talk alone or get together, we really never talk about the husband or wife. Maybe that offers some perspective.