6 months ago my husband and I had a disagreement (he commanded me to "come to bed" after he had said good night to me 45min earlier and I was happily watching SNL) and the next morning (Sunday) he was gone. Both our rings were placed in the little ring box he gave me when we got engaged, and placed on my night stand. I took the kids (9 yr old boy and 5 yr old girl) to church and cried my eyes out. He did end up coming home at about 4 that day. He said nothing to me about his plan or what his intent was. No apology or no demands, he did not give me back my ring. He went out town for work that weekend and worked all week without his ring. (Note: I expect for him to give me my ring with a big fat apology and for him to beg for forgiveness for his behavior.) That Thursday I had a friend come get the kids so we can talk when he got home. Basically he feels that he is perfect although I have busted him in many lies mostly related to money and where he was when he was suppose to be at work. He told me his problem is I spend too much money. When I said I don't know what else to do unless we move or go on food stamps he said well that's not acceptable. (Another note: He makes commission and had made less $ then ever the year before and expected this to be the same this year. In 2011 he bought a nice Ford King Ranch and a boat.)
I'm a stay at home mom. My 5 year old girl was in Pre-K and soccer and my 9 year old boy was in 3rd grade and in baseball. I do not own a credit card of any kind. I shop mainly at Target and Wal-Mart, Kroger and Tom Thumb. I price compare and shop smart. I make at least 3 or more dinners at home (depends on if he's coming home from work or too full from his lunch out with 'customers'). In August I decided to try a consultant job where you sell workout videos and health shakes. There was no extra cost to do so and I didn't have to sell a thing. I was very excited and this and we had pre-discussed the cost. This also included my own workout video and shakes. I was mainly doing it for weight loss. Well Sept 1st came and I latterly pushed play on the DVD player when he decided to "pay bills". Really he was just furious that I bought something for myself. He new the cost but just cant stand it when I'm happy (this happens all the time). Yes sometimes/most the time I don't know what has happened to all my allowance and end up using my debit card on the weekends.
He admitted he did not want to take me out on dates or go anywhere for our 10 year anniversary because he didn't want to spend the money. He admitted to working on days when he was off or the office closed because he didn't want to be here. He admitted to going MIA all the time. We decided that because we cant afford to live separate and there is no other options that we would sleep separately. Well guess what? He's been in our bed nearly every night. Except when my daughter got sick with something that mimicked pneumonia I kicked him out for a few weeks. But when his mom came to visit he got the bed back and Im still sleeping with my daughter in her twin bed. Even when my brother died unexpectedly, and when I had a breast cancer scare (that he said not one thing about. Emotionless) While he also went to Vegas, Chicago, his home town and New Orleans with out his ring!
So the 6 months are up and I'm a mess. He bought another truck and didn't tell me anything about it. Just showed up with it. Ive been applying everywhere so I can work when the kids go back to school. Ive been a stay at home mom for over 10 years. No one wants to hire me (unless I can work weekends and holidays). I really want him out but don't know what to do.
So the question? What am I suppose to do? His double standards and cockiness (he makes the bed every morning now) has made me hate him. Its so upsetting that he doesn't want me to spend or make money. I'm basically a huge burden on him. I feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. I feel like I'm breaking the family up by making him move out. Why wont he leave? Does he feel entitled because its his money and home? He has done more stuff with the kids and with the house in the last 6 months then the last 9 years.
I have been informed by a Texas Divorse Lawer and friend. There is no law to protect me. I would have file for divorce and only then when it's final he has to give $1750 a month MAX. No back pay, no house payments, nothing. I stay because we have children that don't need to be in the middle. I was willing to deal with it forever until he took my ring. I guess I'm asking if anyone else has been in my shoes and what did they do? I obviously can't stow away cash. Also now that the 6 months are up I'm telling him I'm sleeping on the bed for now on. I'm not making him dinner and not doing his laundry either.
He wont leave, because it is his house. Why would he leave his house? If he leaves, he loses his rights, he knows that, he has probably got advice from a lawyer, which if you want a divorce you should also do.
By not going "to bed" it translated in male as "she hates me, she doesn't love me, I feel completely neglected"
The buying of the new vehicles is a transference. It's either a new truck or an affair, a new boat or an affair, moving to a new house or an affair.
The bottom line: Make him feel loved like he did when you were dating, and he will skip and dance around you all day long.
I really can't answer to your story. I am divorced and I know that one side is just one side. One of the best things I did was be honest about my part in it. No one is perfect, ya know. Your attorney needs to know you, not your sugar coated you because if he represents her, and your husband's attorney goes after you, things end badly.
So this woman you showed us, don't show that to your attorney.
Bills are in both names until the divorce is final so I have no idea where you are getting this idea of "back pay". You MUST find a job before you file because he does not have to support you during the divorce. He does have to pay the bills and support your kids.
Oh, I got the package I got because I came prepared with a plan to support my kids on my own. I also didn't divorce a poor man. I got full child and spousal support for four years so I could get a degree. You may not be able to swing that but you will get the best deal of you aren't walking in with your hands out.
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Oh lord, just read some of the other responses. Sorry but it is illegal to lock him out and throw his stuff on the front lawn! You want to lose it all pull immature things like that. Sure it works in the movies but last I checked that isn't reality. Locking him out was the first question I asked my attorney, my attorney clearly spelled it out, I have no more right to the home than he does and they court will take it away from me if I kick him out, don't do it, don't even think about it!
One huge thing I hate about this board is that people like you come here with complex questions and people answer with what they wish would happen, what they think should happen, or what they saw happen in the last chick flic they saw. They have no skin in the game, nothing happens to them if you follow their advice. Always remember that when you come here, what we say has no effect on our lives, apparently a few could care less if they give you bad advice that would cause you to lose a lot.
I put a exterior lock on our bedroom door to keep him out of there but I had no legal right to evict him from a home he owns half of.
Your husband is emotional abusive and controlling....
Why should he leave? He still has everything he wants... he has someone to pick up after him, cook for him, and take care of things... while he gets to go out and spend money as he wants to.
You need to see a lawyer and see what can be done to protect yourself and find out what kind of assets you would be able to get in a divorce.....
I'm sorry. Your post is confusing...
Why are you allowing this behavior to go on? Yes, you are his partner - not his mother - but really?!?!? Come on. Why are you allowing him to make you feel bad? I don't get it.
Why won't he leave? Because you are accepting his behavior. It's that simple. You are allowing this to happen, being treated like an inferior.
You want him out. Kick him out. Hire a lawyer, find out your rights and kick his butt to the curb. If you are not the title or deed to the house - you need to figure out how to keep the house or what you can get in child support and alimony to keep the house, etc.
Tell him counseling or he's out. Don't make any threats you are not willing to carry out.
I am sorry your husband is an A$$. I would wonder if there is more going on. But that should be handled by a counselor.
Good luck!
Talk to your attorney.
Apply for a credit card in your name.
Open your own savings and checking account.
Look for work, you may have to work weekends and evenings.
Find a Divorce Care group through a church near you.
divorcecare.com
You have a few things going for you. Your kids are old enough to be in school starting in September so you won't need daycare all day. You have been married over 10 years, that may entitle you to spousal support in addition to child support, especially if you have been a SAHM. You shop at Target and Walmart and are used to being on a tight budget. Your husband makes enough to be required to pay some support. And it sounds like you have an atty.
Getting a divorce will be a big lifestyle adjustment. But it's also an opportunity to start a new life for yourself. Find a counselor or support group to help you through this transition.
Well, if you REALLY want him out, you call a locksmith, have the locks changed while he is at work, and done. You can put his things on the front lawn for him to pick up.
Your kids are old enough for you to work while they are at school. Have you tried looking for a job at a library, restaurant that serves lunch, like a Steak n Shake or something, or somewhere else that will just allow you to make a couple hundred a week? With a job, you can apply for a credit card, and have it in your own name.
Leaving is the hardest decision you will ever make. It is scary, lonely, and riddled with guilt. But, there is a rainbow at the end. Look ahead two years. Where do you want to be? The time is going to pass whether you make your life better or not. Make it better.
Good luck and God bless.
ETA: Feel free NOT to take my advice if you feel it ill-suited. There are CLEARLY some real experts on here; I'd DEFINITELY listen to THOSE strangers. ;)
You have been "informed" by a divorce lawyer? Nope. You need to HIRE a divorce lawyer, one with a lot of experience especially with custody if you want to keep your kids, because your self-centered husband sounds like the kind of person who would fight you like hell for them -- even if only just to spite you and prove he's in charge. He is indeed in charge; he controls all the money, belittles what you try to do, and gets to go off when and how he wants. "MIA" is not a marriage.
If you are scared at the word "hire," go to a women's center (look them up for your city or town) and ask about how to find and retain a divorce lawyer when you have little access to money. It's a pity that you seem to have been, frankly, very naïve about money -- being a smart shopper is not the same as salting away money of your OWN during a marriage, especially one that has clearly been on the rocks for a long time. You also have zero credit history, which will make it extremely difficult for you not merely to get a credit card but also to ever get a mortgage on a home or buy a car or...anything else major. It sounds as if, very soon, you are going to be on your own and having to find money somehow (do not depend on alimony and child support; he could tie that up for ages), and you need to be employable and need to have good credit. So see a financial counselor as well as an attorney (again, talk with a women's center, which is not the same as a shelter--it's an advice center). Your husband could make the argument that the kids should go with him because he earns and you don't, period. It's a crappy argument but he can make it and he can possibly win with it. That's why you need professionals to help you navigate the end of this marriage and the custody of your kids.
If you got a job + the $1750 in CS you would be just fine. He would most likely be required to pay for their medical/dental as well as at least 50% (maybe more?) of child care b/c you have to work.
If your that miserable than file! No need to leave the house, just wait for the lawyers to split up your assets & them you will be given ample time to move or heck, you might even get the house?
~We are only getting one side of the story and we all know their ate 3 sides to every story: his, yours & the truth. Search your heart and be honest about what you have done to get you guys to this point & if there are things you can do to fix it, if you wish to save your marriage!
Try not to be petty... Your comment about being angry because he makes the bed is kinda insane?
You get informed, you make a plan and you take steps to do what you need for yourself and your children. Start with your church.
He's a passive aggressive jerk.
Get a lawyer, find out your rights, then file for divorce.
You are entitled to 1/2 of everything - anything acquired during the marriage is marital property - so 1/2 of his new truck is yours.
You earned it by caring for him, the home and the family for over 10 years.
Sorry, but this marriage sounds like a disaster. He has no respect for you and you sound like you have very little freedom. It doesn't sound like either of you cares much for the other anymore. Your children, especially your son, have to realize that things between you and your husband are unstable, unhappy, and unhealthy. It's not in the kids' best interest to stay together in these circumstances. Your husband is setting a terrible example for your son by being so controlling, manipulative and dishonest. Is that how you want your son to grow up?
It's time for counseling or divorce. I really don't see another option. You need to get a job and you need to move out. He's not going to leave because he knows he can walk all over you. Find a friend or family member that can take in you and your kids while you get on your feet. Take a job where you have to work weekends and holidays for awhile to earn some money while you look for a more regular 9-5 job. Sign up with temp agencies and get your computer skills up to speed - learn the current versions of Word, Excel, Outlook, and PowerPoint.
You have to be the one to take initiative. He's proven that he'll do what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. He's never going to leave on his own. You have to get a job, get out, and get a divorce. I'm sorry it's come to this, but it just really doesn't sound healthy for anyone.
I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a drama king - does his own thing and finds fault with you. He has you feeling guilty, which makes him feel good. He doesn't want to act like a man, but doesn't want to break away entirely. A little passive-aggressive, maybe?
Ask at your church for the name of a reputable marriage counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go by yourself.
I am so sorry you are going through this!
-Look for a job now. Today.
-Save any money/cash you do have now.
-Go see a different lawyer now for a free consultation. Come prepared
w/a list of questions. Take notes.
-Have a garage sale selling your stuff. Things you do not need. Save the
cash. Do this right before you plan on serving him w/divorce papers.
-Sounds like you should prepare to divorce soon. I'm sorry. He sounds
like an a$$hole & an ogre.
-Hopefully you can get spousal support for 1/2 the time you were married.
-Save the child support money & use it for the kids wisely.
-Get a job. Look now for anything full time. No weekends or nights so you
can work when the kids are bk in school & be home w/them at night.
-Do not worry about any of the petty things he is doing (making the bed).
Just make your plan & execute it quickly so you can live happily w/the kids elsewhere if need be. Don't worry about keeping the house you currently live in if you can't. You may have to move somewhere smaller & less expensive if necessary. Just hang in there for now until you know.
Best of luck & save your money.
$1750 per month is a fortune compared to what most women get for child support or child support and spousal support.
My friend went through a divorce and he moved in with his girlfriend the night he packed up and moved. He didn't make the house payments, the utility bills, or even her van payment after he moved out. She lost everything. And because she wasn't employed, she would have had to make a livable wage, she lost the kids too.
She was able to show that he had spent thousands of dollars on his various girl friends. He has been spending over half of his $3000 per month on stuff for his girlfriends house, her groceries, her kids, her vehicle, etc....they bought a house and he paid a lot of the down payment himself. He was spending their money on his girlfriends and she still lost everything because he said she was spending his whole paycheck on random stuff. Stuff for herself, like clothes, hair appointments, getting her legs waxed, hair cuts, make up, etc...she hardly ever bought anything for herself. She got her legs waxed for her birthday because it was a gift from us to her. He lied and spent all his money and he cheated and HE got full custody, child support, and she lost everything.
She was ordered to pay child support and he even asked for spousal support. He makes over $100K per year too. She barely makes minimum wage working at a nursing home. She has only worked child care before the kids were born. She did do some volunteer work at the kids school and did work for wages occasionally in the kids cafeteria.
The thing is, she lost everything. Because he couldn't keep it in his pants. Her attorney cost her every penny she made for nearly 6 months. She had to pay out of pocket for her own attorney. She is on food stamps, gets a state medical card, and sees the kids every now and then. She works weekends so she can't see them due to not being able to pay for child care.
I think you need to think carefully about what you want and how you want to live the rest of your life. Do you possibly want to live in low income housing and get food stamps while working full time? That's a definite possibility.
Do you want to just exist how you are living but not have a good marriage, just exist? But still have your standard of living? The house, vehicles, all the stuff you have because you are married to him? My friend was willing to live like that and have an open marriage so he could screw anything he wanted. She knew she was going to lose everything. She is living in another town now going to college full time on financial aid. She is pretty happy with her life now. She does what she wants and spends her time getting her education so she can have a job that brings in a wage that will support her and her kids.
As sad as it is times are changing. Women are losing their automatic right to their kids in a divorce. SAHM's are at a disadvantage now and are perceived as lazy and non contributors to the household income/budget/anything.
What a jerk, I'm so sorry for you. Texas is a 50-50 state, so you'll get 1/2 of everything.
I don't believe in divorce but when one person has "checked out" emotionally and physically there is not much the other person can do. I would leave poss stay with family until you find a job and get back on your feet. This could be the "wake up" call he needs or maybe not but either way you will have peace in your life and the kids don't have to witness all of this. And the answer is Yes he prob feels entitled to the money and house. My ex did the same thing and refused to leave so one day I got some friends together and a uhaul while he was at work and had to move myself and three girls outta there and find an apt w/just 1 bedroom. Did I think it was fair that my ex got to keep a 3 bdroom home while I squeezed all 4 of us into a 1 bedroom. Of course not but I never looked back and had peace in my life for the first time. Ask God to take care of you and the kids and help you and He will. He did it for me. Will be praying for you.
PS file for child support and don't worry about $$ you will or won't get look to the future and the health and well being of yourself and your kids isn't that worth not having all the $
I haven't seen you write anything about having sought therapy for yourself to figure out why you're tolerating this abusive behavior from your husband.
If I were in your position at this very moment, I would:
*Separate my finances and remove my name from all associated accounts.
*Find a therapist for myself.
*Suggest marriage counseling to my husband and journal his response.
*Keep a journal of interactions with him.
*Lower my expectations of my husband.
*Stop expecting him to give me my ring back with an apology if I haven't told him that's what I want.
*Tell my husband how hurt I am, and that I want to try to repair the relationship.
*Retain a divorce and custody lawyer and create an escape plan.
*Find myself a more stable job that pays better so that whether or not I'm receiving child support or alimony, I can support myself and my children without help from him.
*Start looking for a way with the bank and my lawyer to remove my name from the deed to the house legally because in the event of a divorce, a divorce decree will not legally bind him to being solely responsible for mortgage payments or selling the home if he defaults. The bank could still come after me unless I'm actually removed from the deed and the loan.
*Tell my neighbors and family and friends what's going on so that if something happens to me, they'll know what's going on and can file reports or call the police.
*Create an escape plan.
*Start looking for an apartment. If he won't leave, then I will. And I'm taking the kids with me. But I'm not going to even hint at this until he's been gone on one of his MIA trips for days and he happens to come back to an empty house except for separation papers or divorce papers on the kitchen counter.
*Stop taking his douchnozzle attitude and behavior personally. He's digging his own hole. He's miserable and it's his own doing.
