Hello Mamas, after A LOT of consideration, praying and thinking I have come to a decision of divorcing my husband. We've been married for 15 yrs and he is verbally abusive. I'm a SAHM and Girl Scout leader :) and plan to start my own cake business someday. But first things first. I can't change my husband and I'm tired of trying. We've been to different therapists and I've told him in person and in a letter how I feel. He just won't change. In September he almost hit my 10 yr old and he's never been physically abusive to any of us so it was very shocking. Anyway, he thinks he could get fired from his job very soon. He has a phone interview today with a company in the midwest. He was looking at housing online last night in the midwest! I need to get a lawyer and get my ducks in a row before I tell him that I'm not staying with him. He also may have a job oppurtunity here in NC as well. This would be better for the girls as they wouldn't have to change schools and such. Moving is such a pain! I don't want a big battle of who gets what and I would like to go where he goes so that our daughters can still see him as must as possible. How do I find a divorce lawyer that won't charge a consultation fee? If we can do this without a lawyer I'm all for it. My daughters come first and I want to make this as stress free as possible. I don't love him but he still loves me. He knows that we are not doing well so a divorce will not surprise him...although he is so clueless that maybe it will! I can be as blunt as possible and he still doesn't get it! I stopped having sex with him about 6 mos ago but we still sleep in the same bed. This can't go on much longer. The decision to divorce actually makes me happy-does that sound crazy or what??? If we move out of state what are my options? I hope we don't move because it won't be easy with a divorce in the mix and my girls will already have a lot of stress. And money is a concern since I don't work right now. Please, any friendly advice is appreciated but no judgemental comments. And please do not try to convince me to stay with him-my decision is final. Thanks a bunch!
Many lawyers charge a nominal fee ($40) for the first visit. Call the Bar Assoc about this kind of service. Also talk to Legal Aid.
Yes, get out without moving. Let him scream at the walls.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Divorce isn't your only option. You have mentioned that you have done the counseling thing but it hasn't worked. Counseling won't ever work if the person being counseled doesn't want to change. It would seem to me like you may need to simply get out on your own with the girls to show hubby you mean business. It is not enough for you to continue to live with him and not sleep with him to make your point. You are still in his house living off of him dimes which usually gives people a sense of ownership over you. I'm not trying to convince you to stay with him but change the dynamics of your interaction with him. Have you ever seen the movie Fireproof. I would recommend seeing it and trying the steps in the book Love Dare.
If after giving that a try or you just truly believe divorce is your only way out, I want to caution you to not be naive. A good divorce is never free and most (99.9%) of divorces are ugly by nature.
The best thing for you to do would be to get your life in order. You need an income coming in. If you are going to start your business, now is the time. Finding a job is also important too. You will need as much money as possible. What kind of housing will you need? How much will it cost? Do you know what all of the "costs" will be? How much for your living expenses? You will need to provide the total food, shelter and clothing needs for you and your girls. How much will that be? Your husband or soon to be ex-husband may withhold money from you and girls, divorce can be nasty like that and hurt people, hurt people. Since you admit he loves you, this divorce will hurt him and you don't know how he will respond. Will the girls need aftercare or not? Do you have access to reliable and trustworthy childcare for odd hours? What will you do for insurance? What kind of furnishing will you and the girls need? Make the assumption that you will leave your husband with nothing but the girls and then make provision for him to fight you for the girls (it could happen). Don't be naive, divorce can make people nastier and meaner than ever.
Where will you have your support system while you go through this divorce. You will need alternate emergency contact people for the girls. Hubby may not be willing or able to get them from school and the like. Again divorce is a tricky business and you need to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Also get your kids counseling. They will have thier own drama to deal with and you will have so much on your plate trying to go from a SAHM to a working mom. Even with your own business you will need to know how to market and meet the needs of your clientele.
With you business have you gotten started by making cakes already? A friend of mine had a cake business and would do small samples in the cutest little pans. Then she would do the larger cakes. Her business got even more successful when she switched from cakes to designer cupcakes and the mini cakes instead of the larger version of her cakes.
The business will serve as a great distraction and give you goals as you work through your marriage and divorce. I wouldn't wait to get it started because you can't wait to start generating your own money. I hope this helps. Money should be a concern for you because a good divorce costs.
Here's what you need to do (this is what I did when I left my verbally abusive ex):
1. Get your own bank account in your name only and transfer exactly half of what is in the savings and checking accounts into it. (ETA: Get a P.O. Box to mail your new checks and bank-card to as well as any other correspondence you might need to keep from him).
2. Find an attorney who will work with you financially and file for divorce. Don't let them talk you into an expensive contested divorce...just file what YOU want and if your soon-to-be-ex doesn't like it then HE can pay the outlandish fees to contest it.
3. Ensure that you transfer any and all utilities and the lease to your name if you intend to keep the place you're in. If not, start looking for a little place you can afford.
4. Start looking for a job. Find out if you can file for unemployment while you're looking.
Lastly, check out this site: www.youarenotcrazy.com I know that this is tough, but you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. Protect yourself and your children. Live happy.
I am sorry about your divorce. Call an attorney today and file before he moves. The judge can order him not to move more than 30 or whatever miles away. When you save the time and expenses of traveling back and forth, you will understand it is worth it. Even if you have to hock your wedding ring
I am always surprised that people want to find a free lawyer to deal with life issues like who gets custody of the kids, finances, and other major points of a divorce. You can pay a lawyer now or you and your kids will be paying the rest of your life.
If I get a divorce, I am hiring the most aggressive, kick A** attorney there is and I will FIGHT for what is best for us. It will cost, but a good lawyer is worth it.
Ditto what Christy Lee said. I left my verbally abusive husband of 22 years. Best decision I ever made for my children and me.
I would also add that you need to have a plan in place and an "escape" to place as well. You can never assume you know how your husband will react. Also, tell those closest to you about your plan. Be safe as a large percentage of verbal abusers can quickly turn to physical abusers as well. You've seen first hand since you mentioned he almost hit your child.
I would also continue with your counseling...might be good to find a counselor that specializes with abusive relationships. Might be wise to put your child(ren) in counseling also.
Good luck!
i'd J. tell him you're going foward with it and maybe he'll agree and you can do it civily through mediation and talking. J. remember to not get mad and agree to put the girls interest firsts even if it hurts you guys a little (try not to fight over holidays, weekends...try and do whats best for them) and try and remain friends or civil. Thats my advice
Do not get a divorce without an attorney. If only to have a barrier between you and hubby so he can't just keep at you until you finally give in on his demands. That way if hubby is trying to get you to agree to his demands you can say "I can only do that if my attorney will agree to it" that way it's off your shoulders. I tried to do the no attorney way with my first marriage and we had nothing, no home, no items of value, etc..and we ended up fighting about child support. He wanted to pay $50 less per month than I wanted, so we got attorneys and fought it out in court. I won with even more per month.
Do not move away from your family and friends. He should know about this before he goes for the interview. He may choose to NOT even go and only look for work where he can be with his children.
Find an attorney that will have you pay some down and let you pay a bit each month until you have enough on the "bank" to actually file. That way he'll be your savings account for a divorce. Hubby or you can start looking for a new place to live.
You will have to get a full time job now. You cannot go to court and expect the judge to give you enough money, either in child support or alimony to live on and not work. If you are not able or willing to support your children by working and providing for them the judge will give them to hubby. It is happening to more than one SAHM. You must find a job soon so you can stock pile even more money so you can pay for a divorce and you can get your own place.
Good luck on your new adventure.
Sorry you're going through this :(
All lawyers have to have 'x' amount of 'pro bono' hours per year... with a lot of persistence, I'm positive you will find someone willing to give a free consult by just getting on the phone and calling every lawyer in town.
It's a bummer, BUT, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders about it!
Best wishes to you!
Just want to tell you my prayers are with you. I am also going through a divorce after 17 years of marriage. At first, my husband said he would be agreeable and we would use the same attorney so as to save on fees. We really don't have investmensts or money to fight over. Here I am 6 months later with my second attorney doing what I should have done the first time. If you can share an attorney - great - but divorce brings out emotions in both that you don't realize you have. All of a sudden things that didn't seem like a big deal before become huge issues. Anyway, I consulted with a couple lawyers and was able to find one that came down on the hourly rate that is charged above an beyond the initial retainer fee. Not cheap, but at least doable. Get a couple referrals and talk to people. I was never charged a consultation fee to see if someone was the right fit. Good luck and stay strong!
You might be able to do it all through mediation.
Call your family court and ask for some advice.
Good luck!
I agree with everything Kimberly F. (from Montclair) said about the money issues and starting your own business. I can't add anything because she said it so well!
I really hope everything turns out well for your business, even for your husband, and especially your daughters. Good luck to you!
I am not trying to talk you out of it but I just want you to realize it will not turn out as you imagine. I just don't want you to think you are going to get everything people tell you that you will. It doesn't happen anymore.
No lawyer is going to give you advice without a retainer or a consultation fee. That is their job, they expect to be paid for it.
You need to find a job, first because if you are already financially strapped there is no way you will continue to be a stay at home mom. The best you can hope for is half his income and even that doesn't really happen. Second because it is easier to find a job now, before you file, than when the stress of a divorce hits you.
I guess I am just throwing things out there because when I filed everyone told me it would be this and it ended up nothing like what people said. If he really is verbally abusive he is not going to just sign papers and you guys will be on your separate ways, it will take months and money. Since you don't work he controls the money until you can get the court to give you an order, which takes money.
Don't believe that the courts will throw all the legal fees on his lap, they don't usually do that. If he goes for the fight you will have to be able to pay your attorney on your own. The court does not order attorney fees until the final order. Most good attorneys will not float you on the hope that he gets paid in a court order.
