Husband vs Daughter

I can certainly empathize with your husband. I am currently in a relationship with a female who has a 12 year old son. I am more strict on him than she is. She tends to allow him to do nearly what he wants with sporadic consequences, which does not cut it. Yet, I am home with him for the majority of the time. I would recommend some family counseling, because it seems as though it is difficult for your husband to see the error in his ways. The child is clearly telling him why she is behaving in such a way and he skips over it and expresses his thoughts. Counseling would perhaps give another person's perspective outside of the family structure. It does not seem that he would be willing to listen to you and your point of view, especially since you "give in" to your daughter to make up for him being so strict. Another thing I would suggest is that you stop "giving in." Children/adolescents will respect structure and discipline when it is given to them. You cannot completely fault your husband for being frustrated when he is trying to instill some order in the household and you wanting to give in to your daughter take it all away. Also, you should speak with your husband about rules that are absolutely necessary for your daughter to follow and those that are not. This will provide an outline, which demonstrates a common ground between you and your husband. For example, it is necessary for her to show the two of you respect, whereas, losing her house key may not be as big a deal. You should write these things down collaboratively with your husband and figure out a consequence for each thing. After making your list that the two of you agree upon, present it at the next family meeting to your daughter, providing her with a copy of the behaviors and consequences, so that she knows. Finally, your husband has to give something up or make time for your daughter. It is imperative that the two of them spend time together, so that she can feel as though she is loved and cared for.

It sounds like, as a family, you need to sit down and clearly define expectations and make a plan for sticking to them. Discuss with your daughter what level of clean her room needs to be. Set up family time once a week where you order pizza and have game night - everyone is required to attend. Make a plan for how to spend one-on-one time with each child - start a hobby together, take a walk, go out for ice cream. Make it a weekly or bi-weekly event. Talk to your husband about the amount of time he spends on gaming. Explain that everyone is entitled to activities they do on their own (we all need time alone) but that you and the kids need his attention as well. Propose cutting back his gaming by 1 hour a day. Whatever issues you cover write down final decisions. Have a calendar ready to schedule family time and one-on-one time with the kids. Set up a chore chart for the kids.

It doesn't sound like it will be easy, but talking with your husband about some parenting issues - how the kids need his attention, how the amount of gaming is negatively affecting the family, how your childhood experiences with your parents are different from his and how you need to come to agreement on how to parent your children. You will never be in total agreement as far as the parenting goes, but perhaps there is a middle ground you can agree upon for certain circumstances, for example, how to discipline your daughter if her room is messy. Reaching an agreement on discipline may help you be a better enforcer since you won't be enforcing rules/consequences that you feel are too strict or unreasonable. Good luck!

Is it possible to sit down with your daughter one-on-one and find out from her what she expects from your husband. What kind of relationship does she want to have with him. Once you establish that maybe you can talk to him and see what he wants from her. Once you know what each expects and wants from the other maybe then you can sit them both down and tell them where you see the miscommunication and see if they are willing to come up with a plan to help change things. It's not going to happen overnight so try to have patience. I like the idea that someone mentioned about having a father/daughter time maybe once a week or even once or twice a month. It's a start anyway.

Good luck.

SOunds like you know what the problem is, she wants both of your love and attention. She told him she wants his tiem he shouldn't respond with a critisicm he should spend tiem with her and stop making excuses. I noticed that you said he is washing his hands of her, since when do you get to have a child through marriage or not doesn't matter you can't wash your hands of the kids. That is a bad excuse for his not being around. It sounds like she wants attention she is being ignorged and is finding attetion with people who are more willing to give it. Have you guys considered family counceling? The family meetings are good you just don't know what to do after you sit down and talk. You guys are asking her questions you can't give her a hard time when you don't like the answer.

H.,
Sounds like you're in a horrible predicament. O. idea I had--can they set up a weekly dad/daughter outing time for just the two of them? I think kids will talk more openly and freely when they are engaged in an activity. She might open up more to him.
Also, I think both parents need to be on the same page as far as discipline is involved (My husband & I struggle with this too--he is VERY lenient and then looses it & wonders why!)
Unfortunately, your husband has about as much right to "wash his hands of her" as you do--you can't do that and he IS also her parent--not just when it's convenient for him. He signed on for the package deal 6 years ago and now he's got it. He's got to learn how to develop a better relationship with her.
Maybe devise some house rules, (keep room clean, show respect, etc) and have everyone agree to them and sign them! She will be able to see clearly what is expected of her and it may cut down on his nit-picking.
There is a place in Mt. Lebanon called Outreach that has affordable parenting strategy classes. Maybe look into that. Good luck to all of you and God Bless.

Hi H.,

Sounds like my life. Our daughter (I had her before I met him)is almost 21 and there is still distance between my husband and her. For some reason (???) my husband feels like he has to compete for my attention over her. I don't know if it's because she was there before him or not. So because of this he holds a grudge against her and either can not or will not let it go and it has caused a major strain between them and sometimes between us. In his mind he thinks we "gang" up on him, but that is not true at all. It has gotten a little easier with her at college and starting her own life. Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice for you except to make them spend quality time together whenever possible so they can start to bond again.

Good Luck!!!
L.