My Son Is in Demand!

I wouldn't send him to his dad's, keep him at home. Have you ever thought maybe he has a learning problem, I would recommend him being tested. Talk to his teacher and see if she recommends it.

Hmmm S., My son is the exact same age but he lives with both parents so I know our situation is different. He does however, spend a great deal of time gaming so we have to keep a close eye on his grades and find the balance. We expect all A's, especially in reading and spelling so if they begin to dip, we withdraw the TV and gaming.

Also, I spend a great deal of time with the kids at home with homework- reviewing completed work and teaching them new skills. We cannot rely on the teachers to do all of this because many times they are hamstrung with "No child left Behind" or a kid in the class that is disruptive. I look at teaching my kids as MY responsibility with the classroom being an adjunct. Kids have higher requirements of them now than when we were children and yet they have SO many more distractions.

I say get rid of the cable and satellite services, put the games in the garage and tutor this kid yourself. OR...many people I know use Kumon math and reading and they get great results. I hired a tutor for my 9 year old when he was in 1st grade because he did not like to read. It took only 9 weeks of one hour a week tutoring and he was at the head of his class and very confident. (Lack of confidence will stall all reading) Now he is in the gifted program and loves to read. By the way, the tutor was simply a kindergarten teacher that loves kids.

So, my suggestion is: Be his tutor and his mentor. Do you read in front of him? Have him read out load every chance he gets. If this doesn't work, then hire an outsider- someone not in the family.
Good luck

I know you already said thanks for the responses, but just because I am in a similar position I wanted to say DO NOT FORGET you are that child's mom...unless you are totally at your wit's end, never let him go. I also have a 9 yr old with an ex. He is remarried to a woman who can't have any more children and my son is the darling of her family cuz all the other kids are grown. However, I was a child of divorce as well. It hurt bad enough that my family split up and it seemed everyone moved on to new lives, with me forever odd child out, but my mom never badmouthed my dad and would never have given me up, so I at least knew that. I couldn't get along with my stepdad and moved with my dad when i was 15 which was a crazy mistake on my part. Children at age nine don't know as much as they think they do, and I bet he doesn't want to go live with his dad anyway. Good luck

I think that I might have a totally different look on it. My son, who lives at home with me and dad(still married) just doesn't like to read either. So those grades are always struggling. We have no conflict with ex spouses or step parents or anything like that. So maybe he just doesn't like that subject so he will need extra help in it to stay on top of it. I whole heartedly disagree with sending him to dads because it would come back to haunt you in a court situation. Good luck!!!

I personally would try other things first. Have a good talk with his teacher. Make sure he is understanding the work that needs to be done in class. If he does understand, then try the Sylvan learning center or something to its equivelant. Maybe he doesn't like to read because he has trouble with it and just won't say anything. I hope you and your ex can come to some sort of agreement that will not put a strain on your son.

J.

I don't think going to his dad's is necessarily the answer. But I would ask your son what ex's wife does to help him. Maybe you can see if its something that will work. If she is beating him or threatening him, no good. I know my 9 year old is struggling too, and what we are having to have him do is as SOON as he is home from school we do the homework, cause he gets too tired if we let him play first and he has trouble focusing. So he has to sit at the kitchen table away from where the tv is. He is easily distracted so DH or I sit with him. His reading is way behind so we are having him read every day. I think I am going to let him watch tv for as many minutes as he reads. 30 minutes reading gets 30 minutes tv. I like him to read out loud because I can tell by his tone reading if he is just reading words or if he is comprehending what he is reading.

I grounded this same son most of last year and it didn't do much good. He is a kid who needs positive reinforcement.

Have you had his eyes checked? Maybe the reason he is struggling in reading and lang/arts is that he can't see or is dyslexic.

Do not send him to his dad's, talk to the school and your son. There is a reason he is struggling and you need to find it.

If there is a Sylvan center near by take him to it. They can help him with his reading and test him for learning problems.

He could also be hurrying through his work because he is bored with it.

Have you had your son tested for ADD/ADHD? He sounds a lot like my 10 year old daughter. We do not havev her on amy medications. She sees a councelor and we have to stick to a very strict routine. Just a thought. But I would not let my child move in with the other parent. More moving around is not going to help. Work with his teacher and with him at home. Go from there.

Hey S., if your son is doing well in all other areas except reading then he's choosing not to do what it takes in that area, because it's hard and he doesn't feel adequate in this area. My youngest missed some important skills in 1st grade, the teacher was really bad. it took till 3rd grade to have someone come in and evaluate him secretly. He is 21 now and in his 4th year of college. he still hates to read but understands that it's just something that he has to do to get to where he wants to be in life. When he was in grade school we explained to him that school was his job like mom and dad had jobs. this was his. we gave examples of what would happen if mom & dad didn't do our jobs away from home as well as at home. S., taking away the playstation and TV is a good start but all kids have 1 thing that they want badly enough to do whatever it takes to keep that privlegde. My oldests was soccer. we had taken evreything away to where all he could do in the evenings and on weekends was yard work and sit in his room once the homework was done. we never wanted to pull him from soccer becuase you don't "quit a team". but when we threatened to remove him from the team everything changed. Grades came up, attitude changed 100 degrees. Keep in mind, you have to ALWAYS back up whatever you threaten to take away or do. Our boys KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that if we said it was going to happen that it would. If you've not established this then you have to prove to him that you really will do what you say you will do. You can NEVER faulter or he will test you to the max. So be careful what you threaten. S., at this point i wouldn't let him go to his dad's for the school year. It sounds like you have a lot going on with school and 3 kids BUT you've got to make the point that he HAS to do school..Keep in mind that you also have 2 more coming up behind this one so whatever president you set here is going to carry thru to the others. Establish yourself as the authority so that there is no question about what you say. Hang in there, they are so worth it....R.

S.: Okay, it definitely sounds like your ex is trying to "manipulate" you in this situation, by using the excuse that his new wife is the only one that could possibly help your son with his grades. That is crazy! You are his Mom and if anyone is suited to help him bring his grades up, its you, not her! I would just continue what you are doing, grounding him and taking away some things that he likes until he brings his grades up.

Also, I am in the legal profession and you are correct, this would be grounds, if your ex were to take you back to court for full custody of your son, he is going to use this against you; and the Judge will most certainly take into consideration what your ex says--asserting that you had to take your son to him in order to discipline him and guide him in bringing his grades up--it just won't look good in court on your behalf. So, again, stick to your guns with your son and the importance of his grades and YOU take care of it. Yes, the ex husband should help, but he should help with some extra reading, etc., on his weekends!

I promise you (I have raised 4 kids of my own, 3 of them already graduated and 1 is a Sophmore) and I have "run the gammet" when it comes to school work and all of the other issues that are involved in raising them. It's not easy, but you sound like a smart woman, concerned about your son, and that gives me a sense that you are very capable of helping him with his grades, with the ex's support, but don't give him complete control, again, this would not be in your favor in a court situation.

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

S. Woodall

hey S.,

First... get everything from your ex in writing.

next.. take your son for an evaluation with a child psychologist that does ADHD testing... and specifically test for not hyperactive type but inattentive type. There is a huge difference in the two and most people only recognize kids that are hyper.... it really is sad that the inattentive children get missed. his not liking to read and rushing through test and work..sound like he could have inattentive ADHD. But again you need to see a child psychologist..NOT psychiatrist... as the psychologist are the ones that do the testing. then if the test reveals that.. he could continue to see the psychologist for therapy to help his skills or a social worker. However have his medications prescribed by a psychiatrist until the correct doasage is found and then transfer to a PCP that is comfortable to continue the meds. Again that is only if medications are needed... not all cases require meds.. some are just knowing the problem and then applying behavior modifications. And your GPA should be an indicator that he obviously has intelligence.. it really sounds like inattentive type. I am a retired mental health professional, so I hope this helps. But on the contrary if the test reveal nothing.. then it may just be stress realated based on age and enviroments... from him becoming older and having divorced parents and a new baby on the way. All of this is also fixed through behavior mod with a counselor. But first see a pshychologist to rule out a medical cause. I would even see my PCP to do blood work and discuss sleep and diet. Keep up with the reports and then if you ever find yourself in court you will have documentation that shows your concern and willingness to seek help when needed for you son.
God Bless and Good Luck,
MB

Girl No... keep your son.

If he does fine in all other subjects... your "unintelligence" isn't at question. If he's messing up on school work and not homework, talk to his teacher and see if y'all can work out something there.

And yes, if she's due to have a new baby... he's gonna need that attention from you!

I would talk to your son's teacher to see if you can figure out why this is the only class that he is having trouble with. I have struggled with ADHD and dyslexia my whole life and have managed to do very well and get through medical school (I am a physician). Fortunately I was diagnosed in first grade. It doesn't mean that this relates to your son at all but it would certainly be reasonable to investigate. The hating to read and the blazing through work without attention to detail sounded familiar but I have learned to love to read and how to compensate well. A good relationship with your son's teacher also can't hurt since he/she may be able to provide some clues as to what is going on.

I think the most disconcerting part of this is that Dad is letting him continue to play video games and watch TV. These two household items are th #1 cause for lots of family/childhood problems, if you ask me. Read Marie Winn's Plug-In Drug to learn more. Very insightful; the woman's a genius.

Don't let him stay at his dad's. Keep the TV off in general, not just till his grades go back up. They will just keep going up and down like a yo-yo, otherwise. Make it a reading household. Model an enjoyment of learning. Substitute other fun activities for TV watching. Put the TV in some side room or the basement or "discover" that it's "broken" and don't get around to "fixing" or replacing it. Whatever it takes. TV is sucking the energy, mmmph and intelligence out of our population. Don't let your kid succumb.

The best rule of thumb: spend that TV time with your son. Get involved in his school work. Discuss what he's learning at school. Show an interest in his opinions about all things related to what he is learning. Get him involved in activities related to what he likes best (if he likes art, take him to an art gallery or museum; if he likes math, get him into some kind of competition or show him the Powers of 10 video - an occasional, educational movie is okay - just not daily time spent in front of a screen). Etc.

L.

So Sorry for your delemma. It sounds like you have a working plan. I would also suggest taking your son to Learning RX. It made all the difference in my 9 year olds life.

You keep that baby right there with you. His new wife is NOT the better one....the biological parent is the better...You are it...yes his dad is also and only his dad. Work with the school meaning you may have to take off work and sit in his class one day and suggest to the teacher what can be changed to help you son because you know this works at home...etc. Until dear ex brings you to court dont just change the custody...Because any court would not change custody because of this issue...they'd laugh him out of court or make him pay for tutoring and keep the current agreement. Have your current husband get involved too. That can also help. Either way it will take time and effort. BTDT.

Dear S....don't doubt yourself. Apparently you've got a good head on your shoulders. You are the mother and you know what has to be done. I wouldn't trust my ex with the custody of my daughter. You do what you feel is right. To me it sounds as if you are already doing the right thing. Just keep on keeping on. Good luck!

Maybe you should try it-give him 3 or 4 weeks, if his grades improve then you can talk about it further. I know you don't want your son away from you for a week at a time but if it is good for your son that is what is important (as long as that environment is good in for him, not just for his grades.)

I hated reading all thru school, I didn't start reading for enjoyment until I was in as Junior in High School. Maybe you could read the material to him or with him-make it fun-pop some popcorn and sit on the couch and read together, then do a reward system for his improvement instead of grounding. And give him strict time limits on his TV and playstation time when his grounding is up, its so easy to get carried away on how much of that we do. You could give him extra time when he finishes his homework or brings home a paper with a good grade. And if your ex-husbands wife is helping, find out what she is doing!

What evidence is there that step-mom is the answer to his reading/lang. arts problem? If she is due with a baby in Dec., you know that the attention will be focused there. I just don't see any evidence in what you have posted that your little guy should be going to live with his dad. Maybe a tutor at school, or more time reading, etc. would help. What has his teacher said? There are red flags all over this as to why your ex wants him to live with him. Caution!

I don't think it's a good idea to let him go to live with his dad for the school year.

One thing - dad's wife is going to have a baby, and whatever attention she is now giving to your son is going to go down drastically when she has a newborn to take care of. She will not be able to take care of a new baby and still give your son as much attention and help as he needs.

Secondly, if you don't want to lose custody, don't have your son live with his dad for only this reason. Your ex can say whatever he wants right now, but I guarantee you that in several months, he will most likely try to get full custody, since he has a 'family' again with a daddy and a stepmom and oh, look, another child your son can grow up with. No way, Jose.

Is there a way you can get a tutor for your son in the subject(s) he is doing poorly in? Have you taken the time to talk with his teacher about how you both can help him to achieve better grades? Ask the teacher if he or she can move your son to a desk near the front of the class, so he or she can better supervise his work.

Also, sit down with you son and ask him what is bothering him. Is he afraid that his dad won't love him any more once the new baby comes? Ask him if he needs more time to spend with YOU, also. I know that he lives with you, but do you ever have time scheduled just for you and him to do something special together, that isn't just school, after-school, work, etc. related activities? Do you just have a talk, go for a walk together, see a movie? Right now, he needs a lot of attention but doesn't want to ask for it.

You should also try to get a feel for your son's friends. Are any of them pressuring him to smoke pot or do other drugs or drink? There are so many things that could be bothering him enough to affect his schoolwork. It's up to you to try to find out what the real problem is. Ask him what he needs in order to succeed in school.

Good luck to you!!

I think you have taken the right steps--maybe a little late, but I bet you will see results. The other thing to do is, of course, read to him and help him with his reading as much as possible. I think you should have more confidence in your ability to help and be firm with your ex about giving it a try, provided you are also firm on taking away the games and TV.
I grew up without TV and have a doctorate in literature, and those two facts are related. As a homeschooling mom I've kept my kids off video games with great results. I believe those games have a lot to do with why so many boys are struggling in school.

First, does your son know that his dad wants him to live with him for the school year? I would have a talk with your son about his weekly work at school. If he says he is bored tell him his grades show he struggling not bored. If he was bored he would all A's and no bad grades on any papers.

I would then ask him if what he wants to go live with his dad during the school year. Then go from there. Remember it is his life too that is being changed too, not just the adults lives. He is old enough to know what is going on.

If it is possible to sit down your ex, your son, and yourself and talk as a family that would be a good thing too.

I went back and read something else you had written to get an idea about your location. From what I know Clinton has a good school district. Have you had a serious talk with your son and his teacher(s) about this, not berating him just trying to find a solution? This may be a tutoring situation, maybe not. It also could be that the transition from 3rd grade to 4th grade usually is a big jump from much more individual attention to more independent learning. It is all about responsibility for one's own work rather than the teacher continually reminded each student. Sort of like them beginning to walk instead of crawl. The Language Arts is the thing and if he is not an avid or a good reader that is where you need to put the emphasis. Here again talk with his teacher, there are all kinds of ways to interest kids in reading and help them overcome problems they are having with it. What does he like? Be sure he has age appropriate, reading level appropriate materials about that. Getting him to focus on schoolwork may take some reverse phychology, reward rather than punish. You mentioned that his lower grades are in work he does at school for which no one has any control over, yes they do, him. Reward him for pulling the failing up to a "D" and challenge him to see if he can keep it getting better in daily and weekly increments. Do you or your husband spend at least 20 minutes each night reading with him? Not necessarily school work but something he is interested in? Even the sports section and then discussing it?You read, he reads, small portions at a time then discuss if need be. Could be anything he is interested in. I know it takes time and patience but is worth it. Be sure the school knows that you are interested in him doing his best and are open to suggestions. You may know a retired teacher or someone from MC that could help with tutoring two or three times a week if that is what you decide, maybe even the your husband's ex at least for 6 weeks or so until the new baby arrives. That if handled with good vibes on both sides, could benefit him and keep Dad and new mother-to-be involved but him still living with you which is what you want. It would seem to me that if you give in now to him going to his dad's you are playing into the back to court possibility.
Actually it sounds like more of an adjustment to 4th grade for a child who has had some upheavals in his life that he has no control over. Hang in there, he is growing up fast and unless the reading, language arts thing is conquered he will have a hard time in school from now on. What was his reading like in 3rd grade? Check into that and you will know his strenths and weaknesses. With the state testing done in MS the school has that info and his teacher should be familiar with it. Remember in any contact you have with the teacher, be positive and seek her as an ally. Clinton probably has a literacy or reading coach that could be helpful in this as well. With his other grades being "B's", he has proven he can do the work he just has to decide he must.
Could it possibly be a power play on your son's part since he got to stay at Dad's at the end of the last school year due to grades and might want to return to whatever the situation was there? Seems like you have a lot on your plate with a blended family but with your ex's wife being pregnant and I am guessing it is for the first time, with her due in Dec., life in that household as they know it is about to change drastically. He may realize Daddy will soon have another child and wonder what his role will be then. That may not be it at all but explore all your options. There is a lot going on with kids today and parents just have to try as best they can to read all the clues. Good luck, he has at least 8 more years ahead of him and that isn't even getting into higher education. If he has pulled this up, he can do it. Encourage him, encourage him, encourage him. Sorry for the length of this but I have been there and it is way too impt. to let it slide. You are on the right track.

Try doing your homework together. Sit down at the dining room table at the same time and then you can answer his questions as you go along. I realize that you probably won't get much of your own homework done at this time (may have to do part of it before he comes home or after he goes to bed) but it will give you some of the one on one time that he may feel he's missing. You could also have him read out loud to you. If he's having problems reading that will be one way for you to see for yourself. You also need to talk to his teacher to see what she recommends. It sounds like you are on the right trand and I don't believe that letting him go to his father's to live at this time is the answer. Best of luck to you.
G. F.

Sounds like the same problems I've been having with my youngest. I have been fighting with her school problems since the beginning, and she's now in 3rd grade. We finally had to put her on Ritalin last year to help her focus - and being a young cancer survivor, I hated having to do that. She's been better, but with the new school year and her being off them all summer, we're still dealing with dosage. I'm living in more or less the same situation as you - ex is out of house but not out of picture (he claims 50% custody so he doesn't have to pay me, but really sees them about 30% of the time), and I've been in a solid relationship for 5 years. My best advice would be to start with his diet - remove all processed foods - we did and it made a huge difference, especially with her allergies. Check out these links to find out why:
www.drhoffman.com/page.cfm/38
www.naturodoc.com/library/nutrition/MSG.htm
It'll take a little time to see the results, but you will. If he continues to struggle, I suggest you start with counseling, and a psyciatric evaluation. Keep a journal of his attitudes and struggles thru all of this (times he seems least focused, etc). Trust me, the problems you're having with him are far from abnormal anymore - my girls' teachers are telling me that its becoming an ever increasing problem. The only thing that works for my little girl is working WITH her instead of against her (may be why sm is getting thru, my fiance is the one that works with mine)- she desperately needs that extra one-on-one time she's not getting in school to help her comprehend the work. Retention is still a problem tho - her short term memory is non-existant. I hope this helps, I know its a long and rough road.

I wouldn't let him go. You can't believe everything your ex says about not taking you back to court. He could even get child support from you if he had full custody. It sounds like you are doing what is right in taking away his playstation and things. He will get tired of not having his stuff and get motivated. If he is grounded he has more time to read. Make him read to you. If it comes easier to him with a lot of practice it will not be such a burden to him.

My answer is No.
I am in a similar situation. I have a six year old and four month old. I work full time. My son gets picked up from school (aftercare) at 5pm everyday. Once we get home, the race is on.
We have a routine. I believe that is the only thing working in our favor- most of the time. As soon as we get home he changes out of his uniform. Then he gets a small snack. Then it is time for homework. He has homework every Mon, Tues & Thurs. After homework is dinner, baths then bedtime. It is very tough. Usually, when we pull in the driveway, the neighbor boy is outside and is screaming for my son to play. There always seems to be a distraction.
However, he knows the routine. No fun until homework is done- and it has to be right and neat. If not, I will erase it and make him start over. He gets good grades on his homework but his schoolwork needs a bit more help.
My ex wants to keep my son through out the week because his new wife stays home all day (with a baby). He thinks she can spend more time with him on his school work and that he will do better in school.
There is no way I would allow that to happen. You give an inch and they will take a mile. You will just be opening a huge can of worms that will end up in court.

Ok, I have a 4th grader as well. His grades are not as well as they have been in the past but I would never consider letting him live with his father. Unless, my son insisted and then I would find out the reasons why. When I was about that age, I hated to read. By going to an eye Specialist, they deteremined I had an eye "disease" that my eyes are "monocullar" vision. THey do not work together. My brother had something similar. He would read a couple words then rub his eyes, or turn his head. My parents would get on to him for not trying to pay attention. The eye Dr. recognized a muscle issue. We both had to do eye excerises and wear prizm's when reading at home. With the strengthening excersize, reading became easier and more enjoyable. I would see if that is possibly the issue with your son. If not, Try making reading at home more fun. You read a page or to and then bet him he can't read more pages then you... read for awhile for him then stop at a climax in the story and tell welp, well find out later what happens!! He will probably insist on finding out and let him read that part. A book that my son loved was by Peg Kehert, Nightmare Mountain. I loved it as much as he did!! I don't know if he has to change schools if he goes to his dads, but that is very hard emotionally on a child. Good luck. I can sympathize with you greatly! OH... I also put my son on MonaVie. 19 fruits mixed into a health drink. His ability to focus longer and clarity improved where the teacher noticed a big difference without me telling her. She inquired. 4oz of juice gives them 13 servings of fruits and veggies for the day!! Call me if you would like a bottle to try for him ###-###-####