My husband had no work in Florida for over a year so we had to move to Canada so we could support our family. Tha last few weeks he has been acting like a jerk, he says sorry and just says he is going through something right now. He threatens to leave and go back to Florida. Not only does he do this he starts putting on his shoes and says he is leaving right now IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. The oldest one, only 4 years old starts crying and screaming begging him to stay. She is devastated and worries about it a lot now. How can he be such a jerk to his own kids? How can he put a 4 yr old through this? The negative effect this will have on her throughout her live especially when she starts having her own relationships will always be there. I don't know what he is thinking whether he is doing this for her attention because she normally only wants me or what. I feel like he is choosing his family in Florida over me and the kids. Normally these blow ups occur after he has been with his brother (who is also here working), we haven't been fighting or anything he just says I can't stand it or I hate the cold I am leaving. I feel like kicking him out but I don't want to put the oldest through anymore, plus I can't support the 3 of them on my own and if he leaves he will have no work. What can I do? How can I stop him from hurting our children? What is he going through?
Did you ask him what he is going through? Can you get into communication with him at a time he isn't carrying on?
Don't make a decision on what appears to be a huge lack of knowing what is going on.
Best,k
B.,
I have read your other posts. Your not a happy camper. I think family counseling is imperative. I think parenting classes for both of you are imperative also. Time for both of you to realize things are a total mess and work on your marriage with the help of a counselor. Good luck!
Maybe you could make your husband and your kids feel better by reassuring everyone that no matter where anyone goes that they are all staying together and moving together...that you are a family and will stick together no matter what. That way you husband feels reassured that in his time of uncertainty in the job market and where to live, that his family is his rock and will stick with him no matter what. And your kids feel like the biggest risk is another move, but not losing their daddy.
It sounds like he may need counseling or is depressed. I recommend you try to get him in to see an MD- to see if he needs antidepressants. Also with a counselor. He may have SAD syndrome- seasonal affective disorder- which is related to a lack of UV. This is a real condition.
IF he has lived in FL all of his life, he may not have shown signs before because of our longer days her even in the winter.
this person needs help. go to a human development course in your area or to a good counseling center. and yes this kids will suffer in the future. do something now.
My own husband went through a version of this during his unemployment of 7 months. It's hard. There is no "switch" you can flip to make it better. The best thing I did was re-read and implement "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman www.fivelovelanguages.com and "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard Harley. Excellent insight into the male psyche. Best of luck.
B.,
You leave a lot unexplained. Is this attitude a "new" thing with your husband? Is he usually even and a good husband but suddenly is "going through" something. If this is the case then I would say sit down and talk to him calmly and help him to work through it. Without a major guilt trip tell him how you feel his behavior could affect the children and how you would like to "correct" the situation. You can earn your 4 year olds trust back. She is not necessarily scarred for life.........if you can make repairs and works as a team.
On the other hand if this is just the final straw in a bunch of other stuff and you do not feel your husband is a good father or husband. That's another thing altogether.
I would encourage you to get marriage counseling (with or without your husband depending on whether he is willing to go). Find an outsider to help you work through your feelings. See if you can become a healthy team, compromise, communicate more effectively.
Good LUck!
Sounds like he is going through what I went through when I moved from New Jersey TO Florida! I HATED IT HERE. Of course, I was a Jr. in High School so I didn't have kids at the time either.
I agree with you on affecting the kids! Let's see if we can dig down to the REAL problem:
1. He is unable to express the exact issue - cold is just part of it - and if he thinks he will escape cold by coming back down here to Florida, tell him I said forget it - we are having the WORST cold winter I have experienced in 37 years!!
2. Is he in the house all the time when he isn't working? Cabin Fever?
3. Is it possible for your to put aside the desire to kick his butt for affecting your children long enough to take a loving approach to his problem - wrapping him up in a bear hug, telling him how much you appreciate his sacrifice for his family, what a great man he is, etc. etc. and then gently telling him you want to help him?
To be honest he is sounding like someone who has been victimized, and that is how he is acting - his bouts of rage are typical of that behavior. While he HAS been victimized by the U.S. economy and has experienced fear unparalleled in our time, sometimes if you treat him like a kid too (we all still have our inner child playing out their roles), then maybe he won't feel like the weight of the world is solely on his shoulders.
I realize you are fearful now too, maybe he just wants company - do NOT go there. This time YOU have to be the stronger one. Grab him, wrap him up in your arms and let him know Canada is not forever, and that you two will get through it together, and that NO MATTER WHAT THE FAMILY WILL SUPPORT ANY DECISION HE MAKES. Then get yourself out there to find a work-at-home job or something else you can do to be his equal!
You and your family are in my prayers!
Hi, B.. Well, he's giving you clues about what he's going through: stress, a cold environment which makes him uncomfortable physically, feeling like a stranger in a place where he is cut off from family and friends, plus the stress of knowing that he's had a hard time supporting his family. All these things weigh on a person. He's under a great deal of stress.
I'm not excusing his behavior. All parents need to restrain themselves from fighting in front of their kids. Since Canada is famous for its health care system, cd you possibly get some counseling for him privately or for you as a couple so that he can get stuff off his chest without scaring the kids?
I don't know what the other side of things is -- his perspective, what your contribution to the stress and conflict might be -- but it sounds like he's trying to communicate in his own way and maybe is not being heard.
Why don't the two of you go out for coffee (cheap date), leaving the kids with a babysitter, and try to CALMLY talk this out? It sounds like he's feeling alone in the situation, trying to tell you he doesn't feel supported somehow. Try to keep an open mind and hear what he's telling you. Just because he sometimes communicates in an inappropriate way doesn't mean he's a total jerk. He may have been trying to talk to you for some time now, and is frustrated because he feels you haven't heard him.
Again, I'm not condoning his displays of frustration in front of the kids, and I'm not blaming you for the problem, but I believe that if the two of you can try to really hear what the other one is saying, it will help. There may not be anything either of you can do about the frustration and the cold weather, but if you both have a solid feeling that you're in this situation TOGETHER, it may be all you really need to get through this temporary situation.
Peace,
Syl
This just occurred to me reading your other posts. 1. Does your husband have PTSD? The blow-ups and other behavior look like depression (male expression of) or PTSD. 2. Behavior problems with your kids are most likely due to the relationship they witness between you and you husband. 3. You need to become self sufficient somehow. This is not in preparation to leave, but what if he does leave? What are you doing to do? This is not just self preservation, this is showing your children that their world does not revolve around their father and his behavior. 4. How are you contributing to the unrest in the family? I'm not suggesting you are, but it does take two. 5. Children are resilient, unbelievably so. I appreciate your future concern for your daughter, but your reaction to this situation will have a much more powerful impact on her than her father's behavior. 6. You need to create a support system for yourself and your family. Where ever you choose to be, start getting connected: other military families, church, mom's groups, school, etc. 7. Validate your daughter's fears. It is okay to feel scared of her dad leaving and she needs to express this to him when he is calm. Four-year-olds can do this. They can express that he is loved and needed (not just financially.)
Best to your family!
Jen
Sounds like he is going through some stuff right now in his head that he isn't doing a great job communicating to you. He could be getting depressed too. Talk with him alone after the kids go to bed in a calm rational manner (when he isn't in a really crappy mood) about what is going and your concerns about the effect this has on your daughter. At the very least; he needs to hold his tongue in front of the kids.
1. He could be completely stressed out about not being able to support his family.
2. He could be depressed or bypolard.
3. There might be another woman.
Keep your eyes and ears open.
Do what is best for you and your children.
He has no right to treat you or your children like that.
What he is doing is WRONG!
Pray, pray, pray. Stay close to the Lord.
Get a job ASAP!
God bless and I wish you the best.
Listen to him, remind him that you are a team and that you respect him and understand his frustration. Ask him what you can do (or not do) to support him through this rough patch.
Let him know that you want to shield the children from the uncertainty of what the future will bring, and ask him to take some time to himself when he gets overly stressed. Then when the kids are asleep, offer to listen, even if he just needs to vent. He will return the favor for you one day.
The amount that he is hurting the kids through his outbursts is but a fraction of the hurt they would experience if he was out of the picture. He feels like a failure, but it will be a wonderful example for her to see her mom supporting her dad, through hard times.
Most of all, pray for him to share his feelings with you, feel successful, and for God to put a hedge of protection around your marriage, children and family. This will soften his heart, and yours.
Hang in there,
God Bless You,
P.
I have read your previous posts and this is the latest in hubby's issues. You do not say what type of work your husband can/could do and why the move to Canada? Yes, it is cold up there but there are jobs unless he didn't get his papers at the border or something. I spent 4 years up there about 30 years back. You may need a reality check. What is your education? Can you take courses and be self-sufficient? It sounds as if you two are on a road to an ending and it is best to be prepared to take care of you and your children. Does he respect you as a woman, as a person, as a wife, as a mother? Crying and complaining does not work with men they tune you out. If you can have a talk with him, write down what you want to say and leave out all emotion (talk to him like you would a banker = just facts and that's it. Sounds like a control thing to me. Life goes on with or without a husband. Can you get back in the States? It may be time to cut the cord and come home. There are other people out there that would love you and your children. Life is too short. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.
I agree that he may be suffering from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Especially if he is used to the Florida sunshine most days, Canada can have a very negative effect on someone emotionally. Not that this excuses his behavior toward his children, but he may be suffering greatly.
I know that there are special lamps you can purchase to help combat the effects of not enough sunlight.
Best to you and your family,
R.
