Separate or Work It Out?? Advice Please!!

You need counseling. You still love & enjoy your husband (at times), you both have simply gotten into a routine that you are no longer happy with. He doesn't want to change (by helping out) b/c he hasn't had to for years. I'm sure he enjoys coming home & taking a nap & playing games. But it's time for him to grow up & be a dad. You two need to work this out before you decide whether to move or not. It's urgent! Please do this. Some insurance will cover counseling. Even if your husband refuses to go, you need to go to help decide what you will put up with and what you won't in your marriage. (I'm afraid you'll move without him, get divorced, and eventually get into another relationship. And this same pattern will occur. You need to work on your current relationship -- it's needed now & for your future!)

Good luck. You've got a lot of work ahead of you, but it'll be worth it. The best time to work on a marriage is when you don't have problems -- make specific time for each other, play together, talk together, grow together.

I can not tell you if you should leave or not, but I can tell you that you should seek out therepy weather it's family/couple's/solo it is helpful. You need to decide what quality of life you can accept for your family and if it is changeable or not.

Go to Florida. Go to Florida. Go to Florida.

It sounds like a good decision right now. Your kids will have a nice home, loving, helpful grandparents, and you can work.

Your husband is not really doing much for the kids or you now anyway. And he can always change his mind and come to Florida later. But if he doesn't, then that tells you a lot-that you made the right decision to move away.

(Just don't wait around too long for him! He may want to sow his wild oats and then when he tires of it, gets stds, and regrets losing you, then he expects you to take him back. Think carefully.)

Good luck! Be strong! Be positive for your kids' sake. Maybe just say daddy will come later if he wants. And he may just decide to go with you when you start packing and he sees you are serious.

Honestly, I think divorce is somewhere in your future. I can't imagine how you could stay in what sounds like a loveless marriage and dysfunctional relationship for the next 15-20 years.

What husband tells his wife he doesn't care if she leaves, unless he is cheating or planning to...?! He has already vocalized that he sees himself without you.

When you said you were a SAHM, my heart sunk because I thought, "How the heck is she going to pay for a divorce attorney and support herself if she isn't working?!" Without an income, you are stuck.

Now, you have the opportunity to get rent free housing and free childcare, AND that lets you kick start earning a living--GIRL, DO IT! Golden opportunity. If you were to eventually separate/divorce where you live now, the divorce court would not allow you to move more than a certain distance from the last place you lived with him, because you'll share custody. So then you would be stuck far from your family, with limited resources and childcare options, and trying to pay for an attorney... Ugh!

If he is saying you can move now with the kids--GO! You will have physical custody of the children. Your living situation will have been decided while you were still married. Divorce when you are already a resident in FL. You don't even have to say you're divorcing.... Intend to legally separating on a trial basis, say you're hoping he comes to join you and the kids... And if he doesn't come, end it without the nasty $25,000 divorce bill, custody fight, and court stipulations on where you must live.

Good luck!

Personally, I wouldnt leave my husband. He seems depressed. I would talk to him and try to get him to open up about why hes acting this way and how his actions are hurting you and the family. Tell him everything and really take what he says in to consideration. Moving to FL would be a big change and shouldnt be taken lightly. Mobile home living might not be any more glamerous than your apartment. In hard times, you must cleave to your husband and stand together, not seperate and fall apart. Dont take your children away from their father unless absolutely necessary.

If you decide to stay, congrats to you for putting your marriage first & trying to work it out. If you decide to go to Florida, it sounds like you'll already have a support system waiting for you take charge of life on your own. I would weigh the pros & cons of both living suituations (and your marriage), then decide what kind of life you want for yourself & your children. Keeping families together is very important, but children living in a happy, healthy, loving environment is equally important.

Is he a good father? Why would he be ok with his children moving? Also if you separate are you willing to give up being a stay at home mom to go to work? Eventually that is what will happen. Any many time grandparents say they are willing to help out with the kids until is actually happens and they realize how overwhelming it is. You say your hubby is your best friend? Why would you want to leave? One final thing many women leave marriages and aren't necessarily happier single. Or the moms are happy but the kids are miserable. That's why I asked if he was a good father.

Personally? I would go to where we would be able to have financial security. I would check into jobs where your parents are moving to so you aren't stuck in a precarious situation....start applying for jobs and making your life work instead of being stuck in a rut.

It might be just what you need to get your marriage back on track.

If he chooses to stay behind - he's an adult and that's HIS problem, not yours.

Your husband needs to grow up and become a FATHER and not a yeller. It's not accomplishing anything in the house except for crying and tension...find parenting classes so that he can learn how to deal with the kids from an outside source instead of you harping on him.

This will sound mean - but if he's your best friend - you wouldn't have trust issues and your marriage would be solid. Be honest with yourself that he's NOT your best friend and tell him why you don't trust him - what you expect from him and your marriage and your life together...if he's not on the same page - go to Florida and set a good example for your kids and make yourself happy....

As you know - if you've read any of my responses in the past - I'm not for separation or divorce - I think it's the easy way out and all to convenient for people to just give up instead of digging their heals in and rolling their sleeves up and WORKING at their marriage...it's a full time job....and you don't get paid for it...remember - your marriage is like a garden - it MUST be tended to daily should you let the weeds grow....

You've got a ton of weeds in your garden....are you going to plow them out and make it a beautiful garden again or are you going to till it under and start anew?

Only YOU can answer that question...Only YOU can answer if you are better off with or without him....

Pray about the problems...God will give you answers....COMMUNICATE YOUR goals and expectations to your husband....

Have you considered counseling? If that was my husband, I'm pretty sure I'd be smacking him upside the head repeatedly and using a tazer to shock his butt into action. I feel for you with all of this!

Being a SAHM is a constant job. It doesn't make sense for him to not help AT ALL. When do you get a break? When do the kids get a father from him? His behavior is immature, selfish, and ridiculous.

Would he be willing at all to go to counseling before you decide to separate? Or even for you to go to counseling a little bit to see if the counselor had some ideas for you?

Divorce does a lot of damage. Being separated from their father would do a lot of damage, well, most of the time it does at least. Florida seems like the logical choice. I'm not sure why he's so opposed to it.

Anyway, I suggest trying counseling a little bit. Make sure you're thinking this through fully. If you separate to live there, it's likely you won't get back together (right?). I definitely feel for you and your situation! Hang in there.

I'm not married and never have been but what strikes me is him saying that you all can go without him. Also you state that he doesn't spend time with the kids. Does he want to be in this marriage and does he want to be a father? Maybe you could suggest seeing a marriage counselor. He could be depressed like Kimba has stated. I would try to get to the bottom of the issue before leaving. If you find that he just doesn't want to be in the marriage then moving closer to your parents will be the best thing for you. Good luck!!

I dont think you should leave your husband and the father of your children. You should cling to each other... things will work out.

I don't want to tell you what to do but the mobile home and free loving babysitting sure sounds like a great deal. Not to mention the support of your family close by. Hopefully your man is willing to try some therapy. If not, at least you have a great option!

Get into marriage counseling ASAP.

my parents argued about money alot and i would say they didn't have the happiest marriage in the world... it is ok but not perfect........ but they always said they made a commitment to each other and when they brought kids into the world they had an obligation to stay together for us. I will always appreciate that decision. I firmly believe that divorce does not eliminate problems, it just changes them. if your husband is not abusive, and he supports you, try to stick with him. however, you can and should find a good marriage counselor and figure out to communicate to your husband that you want more of his attention when he is at home. insist on dates regularly-- find babysitters and go someplace together where you can talk and connect.

best wishes.

i also wanted to mention that video games are very addictive, literally. they are now an official addiction (computer game addiction has been added to the official reference book of addictions for doctors/therapists--my mom is a counselor and she was telling me this) and there are now therapists forming support groups and do counseling specifically for gamers, i'm not kidding. so it may be that he's not trying to ignore you and the kids but the games have sucked him and he can't get away. it's a habit that is hard to break, especially games like world of warcraft where others are depending on you to be there in the game. and realize that if you do try to pull him away from his games for family time it is in some ways like taking cigarettes away from a chain smoker-- it might involve withdrawl and bad moods and take some time and reform. so think about that, i think it may give you a fresh perspective.

You need marriage counseling. I doubt he goes from what you've posted, it even sounds like he doesn't even want to be married anymore. You say he's your best friend and also your mother, do you really believe both of them are? They sound like completely different types of people. I know she loves you, and not that she can buy things, but she is there for you, she is willing to give you some land, help raise the grandchildren, I'm sure emotionally there to listen, what is he doing besides paying the bills? I think your husband is still a little immature right now, not that he can't be a great husband some day, but he's very selfish right now. He thinks by working that's all he has to do...
I know you say he yells at the kids for every little thing, but is he a good father, will he play at all with them, is his time at home all about him? and what makes him happy?
I'm against divorce, but I really think you should separate from him if he doesn't help you at all at home? This will give him a chance to see how much you do and what is really important to him... Does he care about his children at all? How serious is he when he says it's your choice that you can move without him?
I come from a very close family too... I had my older two children when I was in my early 20's... my parents really has helped me out and are pretty much second parents to my older two children. Your children would rather have love from grandparents who want to spend time with them and do things with them than a father that yells... Your husband might change, but that is on him...It may take lots of time before he sees he needs too.

Really think about all this, I'd try counseling first even by yourself, if he's not willing to do anything, than I would move...

I would start looking for jobs in Florida. Show him you are serious about providing what is best for your children - a home of your own, financial security, and loving grandparents. Once he knows you mean it, he can decide if he wants to be on board or not. If he does, it needs to come with some counseling - marriage counseling or anger management counseling or both. He isn't being a father now. Do you want your children to have a marriage like you have right now? If not, then change it.

I say move to Florida if it will make you happy. I know that you can't expect men to just do things, you have to ask. My husband is the same way. There are plenty of men that will be there for you. I think you need to do whats best for your family also. Heck, if your parents are willing to buy the mobile home and watch your kids then I would say move down there. Tell him you are going and see if he changes his mind.

Along with what alot of other ladies have said- I also think you should go to Flordia. Maybe he will wake up once he looses you and his kids. The fact that he told you to go should be a wake up call for you that this relationship is not important to him anymore.

I didn't even read your question, only the subject line...you must not take divorce lightly and if you are headed in that direction, you must feel in your heart of hearts that you honestly did everything you could to make your marriage work. Regardless if HE did or not, it must be everything YOU could do. If you did, and also told him what HE needed to do and if he was unwilling, then I believe divorce is in order. It is not easy, it is terrible for the kids, which is why I say you must do everything you can to work it out first. Lots of us have been there...good luck!

I would always hate to see a family break up. If there is anyway to salvage your relationship, that would be best all the way around. At the same time, reading your post makes it seem like going to Florida would be best for you. Maybe that's all the wake-up call that he needs. Maybe you can talk to a counselor just to sort some of this out. Sometimes getting an outside perspective from someone who specializes in this sort of thing makes all the difference in the world. I wish you the best!