I Don't Know If We Will Make It Through This

Tell him he either gets a lot of counseling or he will end up losing his family. Remind you love him and the kids need him so you're all really hoping he goes for the counseling option.

It's PTSD. He needs help and most likely medication. My BIL is going through the exact same thing.

Is there anyway you would get help from the military? I know of a married man who was allowed to live on base in one of the barracks while getting the help he needed. You must get help. It will not work itself out.

Girl - 4 tours in Iraq/Afghanistan!? First off - thank him for is service and sacrifices.

next - go up to him - hug him and tell him you love him. this small act will NOT tell him that everything is "honkey dorey" it WILL let him know that you ARE standing BESIDE him and not giving up because the going got tough.

This wreaks of PTSD..it's NOT something men like to admit - seriously. It makes them feel "weak" in their mind - that's what causes all of the anger too. You don't know nor will you EVER understand the death and destruction he saw over there - so you cannot comprehend his brain processing it all. If you can't do this - go to his CO and tell him what's going on.

You BOTH need counseling - marriage and stress counseling. Get on the VA doctors or the base doctors and GET HIM THERE!!! He is acting out because he is not able to process all of the hurt, anger and everything else he has going on in his head.

YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS! YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!

Don't get stuck in the "happily ever after" that gets spoon fed into our brains since we were little girls. You fell in love with this man. DO NOT let it go. You HAVE to learn to communicate with each other. You made a vow for richer or poorer, sickness and in health.

You are letting your marriage go. You are taking the easy way out. NO ONE EVER SAID MARRIAGE was going to be easy, sweet all the time and "happily ever after" - you are shoving him away - without talking to him. You don't need to yell. You don't need to scream. you NEED to talk to him and tell him what you expect and what you need from him. I FEEL. I AM HURT. NOT YOU DID THIS TO ME...this will only put up walls. Put the shoes on the other foot - are you treating him as you want to be treated? I don't think so! You are acting just as immature as he is by withholding your love, sympathy, etc.

you don't need to "suck it up" but you do need to honor your vows and instead of taking the easy way out - you need to figure out how you are going to get through this WITH HIM.

I could go on - but i think i'll get slammed enough for this. I want to scream GROW UP to you! Marriage is about commitment - not running away when the going gets tough.

You are not alone. Was he in Afghanistan? I called it aH*ll, Iraq I called iH*ll.
He may not turn around unless you leave. It will take something really powerful to get him to come around.
Here is the number for Military Onesource 800-342-9647
militaryonesource.com

They have counselors you can talk to and help to get you through it.
Call his Chaplain, let him know what your hubby is doing, what he has done and what you may need to do. You may have to talk to his OIC.
He should have been debriefed, but every soldier thinks that the classes they make them take are a joke. They are tough solders, Marines, and sailors. They think they don't have PTSD, bs, so many come home with lasting scars.

Be strong and don't put up with his attitude. Get him into counseling and if he won't go, you go. Learn how to help yourself. Let the teachers and school guidance counselors now what Dad has come home like.

And ((((HUGS)))) Remember, you are not alone.

I would be very, very careful with him. If there is any chance he will escalate things and hurt you or the kids then you should find a woman's shelter immediately.

I agree with the other moms that he may have severe PTSD and probably needs professional help.

But in the meantime please protect yourself and your kids.

Good luck.

It sounds like there is more going on with him then just being mad about a mess! You need to sit down one on one, have someone watch the kids just in case there is any words exchanged they do not need to hear. But, you need to let him know how you feel, you can't bottle it up, it's not good for you, your marriage or your children. Suggest therapy even if it makes him mad he may be going through some stuff in his head due to the military & deployment. There are many resources available to military families b/c of the stress due to deployment! Get help before it does ruin your marriage & family! If he refuses you may have to leave until he comes to his senses & realizes what is most important in his life! If not it will just get worse & go downhill, take it from someone who know! Best of luck to you & hope everything works out for you & your family!!!

It sounds to me like he is suffering from PTSD...and you need to convince him to go in for some counseling. The military is very aware of these issues that so many of their men and women are having to deal with and how it will effect the family. Please talk to him and ask him to go talk to someone. Have him talk to his NCOIC or his OIC and get some help before things get worse than they are!!
God bless you all

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IF you are living on the base, talk to someone in charge. He has issues that need to be dealt with. I can't begin to imagine how his deployments have affected him, but that does NOT excuse his behaviour. He is not behaving rationally. You can't fix what's broken in him; he needs to deal with it, and you can support him as he does. Don't leave YET, but if he won't get help and you have doubts about the safety of you and your children (and your dog), then getting out is a reasonable action.

I agree that before your throw in the towel you should seek out all the support available. My brother is in the USAF and I know from his wife that the military spouse network is pretty strong. Is there someone who can give you suggestions about what to do first? Who else on base is there to help him and you? His CO (though he might get really pissed if you did that) or a Chaplan?

Your safety is important and you should act, but your husband sounds sick (depression? PTSD? anger issues coming back?) and he needs to admit that he needs help. If he doesn't admit it, there must still be a path for you to follow, if only to talk to an attorney so you get some things on record and know how to protect yourself. Your husband has been through a lot, God knows, but if he doesn't admit there is a problem, then you have to still do what you can to protect the kids.

Don't give up. You still have options.

You need to start seeing a marriage counselor - if he won't go with you, go alone. He needs to start seeing how much his actions affect others. He sounds like he has major anger management and control issues, possibly stemming from his experiences being deployed. If he does not start getting a grip on his emotions, he is risking losing all of you for good. If he truly cares about his family, he needs to be willing to make some changes. A good marriage counselor can help, as well as a therapist with experience dealing with those in the military, but he also has to be open to suggestions and the advice and help they offer. Good luck to you...

All I see in your post is RED FLAGS after RED FLAGS. Please, for the safety of your children and yourself---make a plan secretly to get out of the marriage. Your husband is about this close to blowing a fuse and you don't want to be the recipient. Please go talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. He is not respecting you or your kids and is very dangerous--throwing things?? Throwing items out because he was in a rage about cleaning? How irrational is that! I have been in abusive relationships so I know the warning signs--get out before its too late. Best wishes and hope everything is ok soon.

M

It seems as though he may need counseling, have you thought of this? He needs an anger management counseling for sure. You just need to think seriously about making this mandatory for him. You need to do something before it gets worse for sure. Good Luck!

I think all of you need counseling. I'd see if the military had any support groups or anything that you could tap into. You would not be the first spouse to report that your previously deployed spouse was having trouble adjusting to a family again. I think your kids also need to know that their dad is going through a lot and they need to know it's not their fault and how to handle the understandable anger and confusion they are experiencing.

I suspect that "clean" is the symptom, but not the cause.

find out what kind of programs are available on your base for returning soldiers. He needs some counseling or support groups to help him get through this. It is hard for them to return to their regular routine after being deployed to a war zone. If he came directly home from a war zone without being detained in a safe area for several months to go through counseling and the process many units are going through now before returning to their families so they have better coping skills and can return to their normal routine of life easier. If he didn't get that then he really needs to get counseling. If he isn't willing to go then talk to his CO and tell him your husband needs to get into PTSD counseling. I know you don't want to get your husband in trouble with his CO but sometimes that is the only way to get things done as his CO should enroll him into counseling and will make sure he goes. you can also call your company chaplain for advice and they probably know all the programs available and can lead you the right direction. I would contact the chaplain first before the CO and he may have some suggestions to help your husband.

Lots of Military men come home this way. My husband is a Marine and expects the house to be perfect at every given moment. I told him as soon as he steps through this door he is to leave the Military codes at the front door. He is not in charge of this home he is a family member and is to act according-lee. I demand respect just as he does and respect here means be a kind and loving husband as I will be a kind and loving wife. If at some point you think you can bully me or talk to me like I am under his command is the day he will meet his worst enemy and I will win. He is to treat his children loving and with respect and help guide them through life....that is his job as well as mine!. They have help for your husband. I would hate to think your family will brake up because he is acting like a man who can not distinguish your family life from the Military life. My thoughts are with you and try to get your husband to see the difference.

He sounds like someone with PTSD-post-traumatic stress disorder- look into EMDR therapy-it is helping many w/ PTSD and more! God bless!

I haven't looked at the other responses, but it very well could possibly post tramatic stress syndrom or PTSS. Can you talk to his CO? If so, can you see if he can get counceling? It sounds as if he needs some counceling. This is not uncommon, but shouldn't be left alone either. Especially if he is throwing expensive items out and they are no longer usuable. Unless he just took them out and didn't really throw them. You do need to talk to him. Have you asked him about his deployment this past time. If he doesn't want to talk to you, most husbands don't, maybe he'd be willing to talk to someone else. You just never know what is going on in a military person's head after coming back. I've seen it in many and I've not seen it in some. He does need counceling. Good luck and God Bless.

Sorry for the late response, but it sounds like you both need some counseling. Find a happy medium and listen to what he is saying and at the same time he needs to listen to you. I'm sure it's hard keeping a clean house with three kids. And you're right, who wants to clean all the time. Can you both pitch in? Make a schedule; some days in to clean and on those days no play dates? Don't give up until you try! That's too easy.
You just need to listen and respect each other. Meet half way. Good luck.

Find a counselor for him or a marriage one for the both of you. I don't think that you leaving him w/ the kids to prove a point is a very good role model either. I can only imagine what he must be going through mentally having been overseas 4 times - has he been diagnosed w/ PTSD yet? That could be a real concern and shouldn't go without being seen about. It must be quite an adjustment for all to have him around when he has been gone so much - maybe even family counseling? Good luck!

Stephanie
It's definitely not petty. He is being abusive; the timing of it (after 4th deployment) makes me suspect he is having anger issues in relation to being in a war zone. I suggest he seek counseling for PTSD right away--he's going through a very sick period; or he might get in a PTSD support group at the VA. From the sound of it, it could even get dangerous there. Also, your self-esteem sounds very low at this time, which is quite common in an abusive situation, so I suggest you also get counseling. Hopefully these things help the situation. My best wishes on handling the situation.
E.

Do you have an ombudsman (Navy, I'm not sure what it is for other branches) that you can talk to? Their job is to help be the liaison between the military and the families (I wouldn't go directly to his CO). She should be able to help you find help. He needs counseling and possibly meds first and foremost. And you two need marriage counseling. The military should be able to help. If you feel threatened at all (gut feeling) you should definitely get yourself and your kids out of danger, but if you love him don't leave just to try to prove a point. Best of luck to you and your family.

I don't know your financial situation but there is a seminar that is coming this month so you'd need to register quickly. It's in Overland Park, and I'll give you the link to it. We've been 3 times over the years, our married kids have gone and one of those couples went just before our son in law deployed. They have special prices and meetings for military couples. I highly recommend it. Here is the link to it.
http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.5846045/k....
It starts on Friday evening, all day Saturday and half of Sunday. Please try to go! It's on the 25th-27th of this month so hurry.

I definately agree that it sounds like PTSD. You should have been given info about who to contact during his pre or post depolyment briefing. MilitaryOne Source sounds like a good place to start if you haven't. You do need to protect yourself and your kids. I am the wife of an AFOSI Agent (the Air Force version of NCIS) so I hear stories about what can happen. Please find somewhere you can go until he can get some help.

My brother has been on three tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and we have learned that he must have a decompress period of about 4 months, before he is anywhere close to normal. That is the time line he needs and everyone is different. He does not sleep well, he gets jittery with noise and when my kids are around it freaks him out, because it is all very overwhelming. Luckily, he is a single guy with no kids, so he is able to have that down time where he can transition back into our world. Your husband however, does not get that transition time. It sounds like he thinks he can do it all on his own, but obviously, that is not working and every member of the family is suffering, including him.

I lived with my husband's rages for 11 years until I threw him out last May. I only recommend this as a last resort. Mine refused to seek counseling and see if he needed medication to help him with his rages. He had also not worked for a long time, because he was very depressed and I had been supporting our family of 7 for years by myself. It all came to a head, when I had to go work and the kids were home with him and he was extremely verbally abusive to them, because I was not there to be the ref. That next morning, I had heartbreaking letters and drawings from them ages 7,6 and 4. The two yr old could not write down her feelings, I can only imagine the helplessness she must have felt. As soon as I got the letters and drawings, I gave him one last chance to go into counseling immediately, that day and get to a doctor, he refused, so he was out. He was not allowed back in the home until he completed counseling and was on meds and had a job. In fact, I told him I was going to a lawyer, if he did not keep an appointment with the doctor and I made an appointment for the day after his, just in case. He slept in our SUV on some land we owned and he says a guy can learn a lot about himself and what matters to him by sleeping in an SUV. Anyway, he met all of the requirements to come back in and I can say putting him out totally worked, but only as a last resort. Your husband needs counseling. As well as you and your children who are internalizing his anger. Your eleven yr old will start raging like his father if this is not addressed.

I hear love from you and that you are very tormented about all of this. So, come from that place of love, compassion and concern about your husband and your family and ask that he go into counseling and get some help. This is no way to live and he needs help. If he refuses, then out of love for him and your kids, you need to decide your next steps to communicate that you are not joking and that you will no longer allow him to damage you and your children. Your husband is broken and your family is broken. Your husband is a hero for our country, but he needs to be the hero of your family and fix what is broken starting with himself.

He is suffering from PTSD big time! Sit down in a few days and tell him you know he is suffering right now and that is why he is acting like this. Ask him what you can do to help him out with this problem and that it's not his fault. He's had 4 deployments, hardly anyone can keep normal if this were to happen to them.