Husband Issues - Aliso Viejo,CA

Talk to him about it! You don't want him to be labeled a perv or something. The only problem is how provocative these kids dress these days! It is hard not to look myself sometimes, but it is more in disgust that parents allow this. Look at the sensation Hanah Montana that parents allow their kids to idolize! She is a child for Heavens sake and she dresses like a hoochie and girates on state. Sorry, different subject, but it saddens me. I do thing you need to address this with him. Even looking at older women if he stares is so disrespectful to you. Good luck to you.

I recommend talking to him about it and see if he is open to reading Every Man's Battle. This is a faith based book which addresses all of a man's sexual temptations within his thoughts and actions. It explains why that can be unhealthy and how he can redirect his thoughts. It gives him tools to control himself. I think it is great you are addressing this and not just ignoring it. I do not want to scare you but I have heard and read about several stories where the temptation starts off small and internal but leads to a detrimental act that affects everyone. I wish you the best!

you should talk to him and tell him other mothers have also made comments. He may not know how it looks or think no one notices it. Hope you get some good advice on this one, sandy

*Adding this: I would ALSO see what his internet/online "habits" are too... I would certainly HOPE he is not having a PROBLEM with this, of viewing UNDERAGE GIRLS, online either. He really seems to have a problem. Sorry, but this is my opinion. No man in his right mind, would see CHILDREN much less his own or others, in a "sexual" way...where they are "oogling" other girls in this fashion....AND other people notice too.... this is a hint that it may well be a problem.

Well, that is just creepy. AND, other Moms even pointed it out to you... that he was checking out UNDER-AGED "girls."

I would speak to him... tell him OTHER people notice too... so it's just not you, a wife, 'complaining.'

He HAS TO KNOW that this is creepy and in appropriate. I would certainly watch how he views your daughter, especially as she gets older. And speak to your daughter about "proper" behavior... in light of voyeurs etc.

Sure, he's turning 40...but this is NO excuse. Make sure it does not escalate....

Some people just see CHILDREN in sexual ways... and checking them out, in such a flagrant way like this, is really creepy.

Sure all men look at other women.. but this, the way your Hubby seems to "look" seems yucky... and inappropriate. He best CURB this, before some other Parent accuses him of something or worse.

I suggest talking to your Husband, observing him, seeing if there is a 'bigger' problem. Even counseling.

All the best,
Susan

MP:

I can appreciate your concern and do believe it's warranted. I think first you need to be honest and true to yourself. You describe yourself as happily married but I wonder how happy one can be when their husband is acting in such a fashion? I'm not pointing a finger at all simply saying be true to yourself. You are expressing an issue with your husband but sounds like you are justifying it throughout your post. I can only speak for myself, his behavior would be unacceptable! It is disrespectful and needs to be addressed. If you aren't having any luck you may want to consider counseling even if he doesn't go maybe you can get clarity on this which seems to be really bothering you and shouldn't be justified. Trust me, with a daughter the last thing you want is a dad who checks out her friends. You will absolutely be that house that parents don't want their kids to go to and the kids will notice it. Trust me, my daughter told me of a father like that and they would not go to the girls house. All the girls talked about the dad and I just felt it was so hurtful for the daughter. My daugther said the man just looks at them and makes them feel uncomfortable and why none of them want to be at her house. When she told me of this, I let the mother know why my daughter is not allowed at their house. The mother tried to down play it and I let her know it was something I would never tolerate even if she is and was honest about why my daughter could not to to their house and she never did again. That is exactly what will happen if this situation continues. But more than anything, this is your husband and he needs to act like he is and not a middle age man in heat. For other parents to mention it to you on Halloween- that should have been a wake up call. What he does when out with his buddies is another thing but when around his wife and family, it's simply wrong. Don't let his behavior sway your's and be true to yourself insisting it end immediately. Be honest with yourself- a casual glance is much different than a pattern or eyeing other women especially teens!! You said he's not a perv but what is one in your eyes? He is obviously getting something out of peering at their young bodies and its really out of line for his age and would be of great concern to me if I had a daughter in the house! He is a father and husband and hold him accountable for acting like he is!

I'm glad the fact he notices other women doesn't bother you, because ALL men do this and they can't seem to help themselves. They're just a more visual, more aggressively sexual gender than we are, and sometimes that creates some gross behavior. But you're right, any noticeable staring is just rude and disrespectful, both to you and the person he's ogling at. I don't blame you for being embarrassed. What is your husband's reaction when you complain that he's staring, especially at the girls (children!). He may not be aware he's doing it. Does he get embarrassed when you point out that he's staring again? You should work out a code word with him so when you catch him doing it you can nudge him or use the code word. THis may make him more aware of how often he's doing it. Also, to convey your point about how creepy he's acting, ask him how he'd feel if other middle-age men were staring at HIS daughter this way? Explain to him that in a few years when her teenage friends are around that he's going to creep them out (and therefore create problems between you and the girls' parents) if he continues to behave this way. If he can't control his actions after all these conversations he may need some kind of counseling. Noticing women is natural but being blatant about it all the time after you've pointed it out repeatedly means he can't control himself. Good luck. Also perhaps have conversations with your daughter, both with your husband and out of his presence, about how she should handle situations when she finds OTHER men staring at HER. Maybe if her father has to have these chats with her he will be less likely to do this to another girl. Good luck.

As the mom of teen age daughters I totally applaud you for your honesty and conern. The sexualization of children is not OK, and even 16 year olds are developed they are still children.

While I understand male middle age syndrome, his behavior is completely imappropriate and concerning. I don't blame you for being concerned about your own child and her friends. Have you spoken to him about some sort of counseling, perhaps together? If he absolutly won't go for it perhaps there is a clergy member that can help out?

At the very least I would not allow him to be alone with the girls, and that includes, driving them home etc. I know I sound like an alarmist but based on what I've heard from my girls and their friends this is a sadly common situation. I really feel for you, it's not only concerning regarding the girls, but humilating toward you. ALWAYS go with yoru gut instincts. Good luck.

Okay, so staring and checking out 'women' is totally different from checking out underage teens, who are essentially just children.

This behavior is not acceptable. If someone else noticed and brought it to your attention, then it is a problem. Men naturally find other women attractive and take peaks when we're not looking, but blatent wandering off to follow someone and checking young girls in Halloween costumes is inappropriate and just gross in my opinion.

I agree with Susan, talk to him and explain the concerns that were brought to your attention. And, how you feel about this behavior affecting your family in the future.

Therapy may be something you explore together as well...the thing about this behavior is it can be harmless or it can escalate into something much worse and much more painful to deal with.

I wish you the best of luck with your family.

D..

I wouldn't normally respond to something like this, since I don't have personal experience with this...BUT, I have heard the book Everyman's Battle, is very good, and that many men struggle with this, because they are all visual beings. Someone else gave you a link to it.
AND, our church just did a showing of a movie called "Fireproof" last weekend, and will be having a 6 week small group based on themes from the movie. The movie is great, and I think you and your husband would benefit from seeing it.
It will be coming out on DVD soon, but churches all over are doing programs like ours right now. I noticed you live in O.C., check out Saddleback Church, they might be doing something.
You and your husband need to take action on this matter, because otherwise it will eat you up, and as someone else mentioned, might jeopardize your daughter's relationships with her friends. If a man I knew did that, especially towards young girls...none of my kids, whether male or female would be allowed to go to their house. Major red flags there for a parent.

I would recommend the book "Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. You read it first and I can almost guarantee your husband will want to pick it up. It has a way of inspiring a man to circulate the energy of attraction to the feminine essence is a productive and most importantly, respectful manner. Once he gets how mundane and base he's being-- and what is possible with a change in his thinking-- he'll set himself straight. Of course, this depends on his willingness to grow personally. Please let us know how it goes!

U really need to talk to your husband & yourself. I can understand men are gonna look at other women but now girls? All of this needs to stop. I don't even know how you allowed this to escalate into something else. I would feel so embarrassed, disrespected, & ashamed. He should be representing his family at all times. You shouldn't be worried about your husband being called "weird" because that's a compliment when i think about other words he can be called. This behavior is not a potential problem. It is a problem. I have 3 daughters & can not imagine my husband behaving in a disrespectful manner. And as a mother, i wouldn't want my daughters at your house.

Dear MP:

My husband and I recently took a marriage builder class and another participant talked about struggles with this very thing. The book he mentioned is called Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker and you can see it here:

http://tinyurl.com/97oqyl

It also comes in audiobook: http://tinyurl.com/7ys7tg

(These links include reviews and the audiobook page includes a clip to listen to.)

I am really sorry that your husband is struggling with this but according to the man in our class, there can be great victory over this kind of thing but it requires a lot of work on the man's part and help from the wife.

I will pray for your family.

M.

MP,

I'm just going to respond with my gut, I hope I don't offend. First off, you repeated a few times that him looking at other women doesn't bother you, as if to say that if it did bother you that there would be something wrong with you. I agree an occasional glance, fine. But looking at teenagers or anyone for an extended amount of time, ESPECIALLY with YOU right there!! No. I've been married for 14 years. I "get" men pretty well and understand that they are MUCH different than us! LOL! However, I can honestly say, my hubby as NEVER even glanced at another woman while we were together unless we were both checking her out! LOL!! Most definetly he does not check out teenagers, it's just not in him. I know you want to hear from others who can relate to you and I'm sorry that I'm not able to give you advice or wisdom from that point of view. However, Mamasource is a great place and I'm sure you'll get many opinions on this topic here. My gut tells me this is wrong. Has he always done this? Does he use the computer on a regular basis? I ask that because that may be a way for you to do some research on your own to see what kind of sites he frequents. Above all, you've been together long enough to be able to sit and talk. Why not get him when the kids aren't around and tell him that this bothers you. Maybe it is just a habit. Maybe his Dad was this way and he is just doing what he thinks is normal? He won't know it bothers you if you don't tell him. Sounds like your request for advice was more to find out if this SHOULD bother you or not, right? I say yes. I have a daughter and I will say that if any of my daughter's friends have a Dad that I am the least bit weary of, they will not spend anytime at that home w/out me there. So, yea, this important enough for you to deal with now. I hope for your sake that it turns out to be no big deal.

Best wishes,
M.

You seem to wish to make this a small and transient issue but your gut, and the neigbors!, tell you otherwise. Give up the denial! I would be more than embarrassed, I'd be terrified and offended. Stop the "happily married" nonsense and seek out marital therapy ASAP. Good luck!

okay, I'm creeped out just reading this. You need to talk to your husband and explain how embarrassing and inappropriate his behavior is and how it could affect your children's social life in the neighborhood if he is viewed as the creepy dad and kids can't come over. And, you need to discuss how disrespectful it is to you and your relationship for him to ogle women in your presence. Counseling may be in order. Do you go to church? Perhaps your Pastor could help explain: Matthew 5:28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I'll make this sweet and short; I totally agree with everything said in the first two responses...

HI MP,
I don't know how many people have responded to you. I think some males just notice females once they've developed. 14 or 40- doesn't make much difference. That being said- "checking out" the opposite sex is one thing- staring to the point that it makes other people uncomfortable is another thing. Are the "other moms" friends of yours, or were they teasing you because they though it was funny? I would think about that.

Maybe this is blunt- but does your husband check out pornographic sites? If so, I would have a big problem with that. If so, I would go to counseling, with or without hubby.

Hi MP,

I know what it feels like to be humiliated and embarassed because the man you're with is being disrespectful by (obviously) checking out other women when he is with you.

That happened to me in the past....my husband is much more respectful, thank goodness.

If I were in your shoes, I would talk to a counselor to determine if what he is doing is ok or not. A trained therapist will be able to ask you questions to figure out if what he is doing is just embarassing or a real problem.

I think you are very wise to be concerned about this now instead of waiting.

I wish you the best of luck.

Blessings,
R.

It's got to be bad for a parent to notice him starring. It's not right what he is doing. I would even watch your own child. The way it sounds he is pretty bad. He needs help it sounds like to me. A councilor or someting to see why he is doing it. It's not right I don't feel but that's my feeling. He needs help before something happens.

I agree with most of these women. This is an issue, a big issue. Men look yes, Men comment on other women yes. But to ogle or check out young girls is creepy, I would have someone who knows computers help you to look into what he has been looking at on their. I'll bet it's young women. They have classes to help him on this, you just need to find him one. If he doesn't think this is an issue have him read all these messages, and take him to a class for addictions on this issue. Then maybe he will open his eyes.

Your daughter will be the butt of this not funny joke, you already have the neighbors talking, and word gets around when there is a pervert close by. Make him see this through someone elses eyes. (How would he feel about sending his daughter to someones house where the word was he watched the girls in a creepy way, or that they went over to go swimming, and daddy went out to do yard work in his swim suit, and gaulked at the young girls in bikini's). CREEPY, CREEPY, CREEPY.

If this really doesn't bother you, then there is something wrong with you too. But you put up the post so I'm guessing that it really does bother you. That you have tryed the (boys will be boys) & (this is a man thing, I guess I just don't notice other men doing it as much as I notice my spouse). But it is eating at you. It should. A look is one thing, a major stare or oogling is way diffrent. I would be checking his spare time alot more. And making him get the help he needs for this addiction. Before something bad happens.

Sorry to be so blunt, but Creepy is Creepy. I wish you the best of luck with this one, and hope everything works out for the best. J.

I agree with all but especially the first two. But just a thought I wanted to add...Maybe you should dress up in a french maid or other flirty outfit for his 40th b-day and maybe this will get his attention on you! I hope you figure this all out!

My dad is like this too, but my parents are still married after 31 years. It's natural from what I've seen. Sure I'm only 27 and my husband's 26 but I've noticed the same thing about him sometimes. It doesn't bother me because I know that he loves me and only me and that he would never cheat. It comes down to trust. You have to trust that your husband loves you and would never do anything like that.
Also about the Halloween thing, teenage girls shouldn't be dressing like that in the first place, it's only to GET men to look and it worked. Those parents should be ashamed of themselves letting their teenage daughters dress like that.
Anyways my mom notices and either it doesn't bother her or she just doesn't want to fight about it, but it's been completely harmless.
Now if you don't trust your husband that's completely different, and it sounds like you are sort of having trust issues with this. Just remember he comes home to YOU, not one of those other women or girls that he checks out.

Yes, i agree with men are men HOWEVER, there is such a thing as self control. If he has a weakness there, then he needs to realize the subtle devastation this can lead to. My husband has always been so respectful with this. He always turns his head the other way if someone is walking our way that may be "showing some body parts". Even in movies he will turn his head away or fast forward a nude/sex scene. Mens minds are different, he needs to look away before he "zooms in".
This is also a good point to bring up to women who dress seductivly, or let thier teens wear itty bitty clothes. Someones husband could be checking you out, disrupting a marriage! I know "it's not the girls fault" but dressing modestly would help those men who have wandering eyes! That's a whole other story though! Good luck, i hope you have a local church you can go to to get marital counseling. This is not something you should let be, this needs action.

'Checking out' women and sexually mature girls is a natural biological response for men - it does not mean they want to leave you for them or plan to do anything with the object of their gaze; it's an instinctual response. I don't think you can blame them for it, or demand they don't notice beautiful women; but I do think you can ask them to BEHAVE in a way that shows they respect you and the laws of the society they want to live in. Behavior and choices are something that we all have control over. DEfinitely mention that other moms have pointed it out to you! It's an instinctual response, but they can learn to control the behavior that accompanies it. He may not even realize he's doing it in a noticeable manner! I think the key is not to make him feel bad about it, but let him know how the people in his community are viewing it. It will make him much more aware of his actions.

Wow, lots of varied responses.
I completely agree with - men are men. They are going to look and age isnt a factor. They dont see how young she is, just how hot she is. Can you honestly say that you have never noticed a very attractive younger man?
I would just mention to your husband that other people are noticing it and its embarrassing to you and you would appreciate him keeping it in check.

Good luck,
D.

My late husband worked construction and at one time was working at a high school. One time he made comments about all the cute girls and I told him that while he was looking at them, they were looking at him thinking "hey, that guy looks like my DAD". That brought him up short. Sometimes they forget how old they are. My husband was always a "looker" and it never caused a problem. If someone walks by and is visually attractive, I look too, it doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman. Sometimes I would point out an attractive woman before he did. But I do understand your concerns. Maybe he doesn't understand how inappropriate it is to go beyond "looking" to "oggling". And when you throw into the mix how inappropriate some of these "teen" girls dress, holloween or not, it is hard for a boy or man not to look. That is the exact response they are looking for when they dress like that. Our society right now has sexualized young girls that it is hard to go out and buy age appropriate clothes for them. You need to have a calm talk with him and listen to your gut instinct. Good luck.

This is a total lack of respect issue and yes, it can become worse. You did not mention if you were a Christian, your pastor could give you counsel if you are. We just heard a sermon on men loving their wives and it deals with this issue. If you are interested I can give you the website and you can listen to the sermon on it.

How is your intimacy? Are you willing to be intimate often? This could be a reason why he is looking, he in not fullfilled. Either way it is not what he should be doing. Nagging him won't solve it but if you can talk about it without emotion that might work. God bless and good luck.

My husband has explained the whole looking at other women thing to me like this; Men look at parts, boob parts, butt parts, etc. They like parts. He gets playboy magazine on a monthly basis and at first I was annoyed but after hearing his "part" explaination, I kind of get it now. He said it's not like he's fantisizing about being with other women, it's just that he likes looking at their parts. There is such a thing as respect for your mate and I did tell him that I would appreciate him not being so obvious when checking out other women's "parts". It's definitely not something for me to get jealous or upset about. But it does make me want to work on improving my "parts".

As far as checking out the teen girls, that might be something to talk to your husband about. Maybe if you explain that you understand that guys like to look at the parts but that other people might get the wrong idea. I don't know. Men are, well they are men. They all look. Good luck with that one.

I would bring it to his attention. Let him know that other Moms are seeing what he's doing and they are referring to him as a "PERV". Maybe the embarrassment of it all will stop him from over starring. And also let him know that it makes you feel uncomfortable and hurt. Like you said, it's one thing for him to look at another woman a total different thing to look at teens.

Maybe you should address the issue with him, it could be that maybe he is awaiting your own daughter getting to that age and is wondering what it will be like? It's something that's important to find out so if here is a way I think you should try speaking to him to find out whas ging on with him. I hope everything turns out well.

M P,

I would suggest that you introduce a psychologist... althought it is not at that point, but the fact that you are having to wonder and worry about this, might become of a concern considering your soon-to-be teen daughter.

It won't hurt, b/c men really need to learn how to draw the line.

Good luck.

CB

next time he does this in front of your friends or other mothers, speak up loud and say he Hubby did you get a good look, did you enjoy staring at a young girl, and by the way let me know if I should start calling you a pedophile, does it matter he isnt touching them ( YET ) but the nasty thoughts he is having while staring at them. I am seeing a warning sign here, you need to start calling him out in public,maybe that will give him a hint its so so so RUDE !!

He may have a pornography addiction. Don't take this lightly. He has allot of the symptoms, he will deny it at first. This action is very typical for this type of addiction. I would go to a support group for this type of problem yourself and ask questions. If you help him get over this he will feel supported in the long run and it will help your marriage. Again don't take this lightly.

Damn MP,
I wouldn't even let my husband check chicks out in front of me!! That would piss me off big time!
Have you ever brought it up to him? I mean, does he know how you feel about the younger girls? If he doesn't think that is a problem, then there is something wrong with him. I mean, if your going to look at a child, don't openly do it! Glance maybe......but stare. Not good!
I don't think i could be with someone who actively and openly wants other women in front of me. no.......not me.
Take care, and good luck.

Hi MP,
I know you have already responded back on this, but I just want to say it works both ways. I work with a kid who comes into the office to fix things and he asked what I was doing for the holidays as he looked at my wedding ring. I had already felt a little uncomfortable with his gleam in the eye stare, but thought maybe I was just imagining things. I told him I would spend the time with my family and he asked more about my family. I had to tell him I had a daughter about his age and he was in shock...still with that gleam. I was really uncomfortable, but what could I do. I started feeling dirty like it was a Mary Lou Latourno (sp)case (lol). Anyways no big deal, it happens. Hopefully hubbies deal won't go any further than just looking and if it is just looking, what can you really do?? There definitely not an authority that will do anything for him just looking.

I would just talk to him about it and remind him of how much trouble that could get him into if he let that get away from himself. He may just open up and talk to you about it and move on.

Best of luck.

I'm totally feeling your pain. My husband is very respectful with his glances, which I appreciate so much. We all like to look at pretty girls and bare skin is hard to ignore. Looks like your husband is oblivious to how blatant and embarressing he is being. You wrote a very eloquent question. Why don't you print it out and let him read it. I think he needs to see how inapropriate he is being and to see that even others have noticed and are a little creeped out.

I don't know if you belong to a church or can go to counselling with your insurance but I would definetly talk to a counselor and have your husband talk to a counselor about this. Your husband may be a pervert. If he's doing this stuff in front of you what is he doing when you are not around.

You might want to give Dr. Laura a call. I don't agree with everything she says but most of her advise is wise.