Hi there moms,
I am writing to hopefully get some tips or at least some empathy from women who have been married for longer than I have and have more experience with the moods and phases of men. I am going crazy in my situation and really don't know what to do. I am a newlywed--just approaching our two month anniversary. My husband is someone I've known for 12 years now--we were together at first, had a 2.5 year steamy relationship then broke it off when we graduated from college. We lost touch for a long time, then out of the blue he looked me up and pursued me--really, truly pursued me, because I was living in Europe at the time, and he came to see me 6 or 7 times during a year and a half or so--and so we got back together, I moved back to the states, and we just got married. I also just got pregnant--I am six months along right now. The baby was a surprise, but has been a blessing so far. Anyway, my problem is this: my husband absolutely NEVER wants to have
sex anymore. I mean, in two months, we have only had sex 5 times, and three of those were during the honeymoon. It's not that I want to keep track but when i can count on only one hand, it makes it hard not to wake up every morning not remembering that it's only been FIVE TIMES in TWO MONTHS! Especially because before we got married, and all in the history of our relationship, we have always had great sex, and pretty frequent. We did call a period of three-months celibacy before the wedding, even though we were already living together and I was already pregnant, just so that getting married would be special. But now we are married, and. . .NOTHING. This has proved to be the biggest disappointment practically of my life! To make matters worse, every time I try to talk to him about it, he just gets upset, mad and defensive--this past weekend when i couldn't help it anymore and he accidentally walked in on me crying to myself, I told him that I
felt rejected, unable to make him feel better, unattractive, and ashamed of myself, this put him into a yelling, screaming, furniture-breaking rage. He says he is under a lot of stress right now--work is busy, we have a surprise baby coming, and we're also about to buy a condo--and he just feels tired and overwhelmed all the time. He says I make too many demands on him. What I don't get is why he feels this way--it's true every now and then I ask him to pick something up from the store on his way home, but I do all the cooking and cleaning, plus I work part time, plus I did all the emailing, research, and calling about the condo, I'm the one who's read all the pregnancy books, and hell, I'm the one who's pregnant! All he does is go to work and come home, the same as he would if he were single! So yes, I understand that his lifestyle has changed, but he really doesn't have to DO all that much more than he did before! So this all adds to my
suspicion that there is something more going on than him just feeling "tired" and not wanting to have sex. What finally put me over the edge this morning is that I saw he had an erection coming out of the shower--so there are no impotency problems (he just walked right past me as if nothing, and I had to shut myself in the bathroom crying again until I could get ahold of myself). It absolutely kills me that he is withholding himself in this way from me--it seems like he's doing it out of spite or trying to control me or something else that I don't understand. It seems like if he really cared about what I'm going through with the pregnancy and hormones at all, if he really cared, he would at least try to help me out in some physical, intimate way, even if he didn't feel up to full-on intercourse. I've even suggested this before, but he won't do it. I've also said that I thought sex or at least fooling around would relax him, but he says it just
stresses him out. He says he loves me and cares for me and feels like "everything he does [going to work, coming, home, whatever] is devoted to me and to our new family". I don't really suspect that he's cheating on me or secretly gay or anything like that. But I am really sad and disappointed about this and don't know what to do--be patient, ride it out, or push more and see what the real problem might be, or what? Am I being too superficial, and need to let go of this? Do many other men feel "stressed out" by sex?? I also feel like there is a time bomb ticking away--in three months I am going to give birth and who knows--maybe I'll never feel the same again physically or sexually, and so I feel like these last months with just the two of us are precious, and he is shutting me out completely! He is still pretty affectionate and gentlemanly, kisses and hugs me often, but there is just no sexual or even sensual aspect at all. I think part of why
this is getting to me so badly is because of the absolute shock--we always had an awesome sexual relationship before. When he is upset he tells me that "he was just doing that so that he could convince me he was the man I needed" and that it wasn't really true. But can a man really fake a voracious sexual appetite for 4 years? We were in premarital counselling from February to June, and it did help, but a lot of the things we discussed there have not really made much change in the day-to-day between us.
Sorry for the long posting but I wanted to make sure I got as many aspects of the situation as I could down in words. It also helps just to write about it because until now I haven't had ANYONE to talk to about this. If you have any ideas, or if this is just normal, or anything, I would love to hear it. Thank you!
Hello and big thanks to everyone who responded to my request. There are a lot of good thoughts from all of you, and I truly appreciate it. I think most of all it's been nice to know that this has happened to other people before. One note: we have already tried counselling, for a good four months, and are due for a "checkup" session in the next month or two anyway--I definitely plan to bring all this up and see if the therapist suggests regular sessions again. Thanks again, love to you all.
Wow - it sounds like there's way more going on than the no sex issue. The furniture-breaking rage concerns me greatly. I strongly urge you and your partner to seek counseling to work out some of your issues and really open lines of communication BEFORE the baby gets here. Do not waste any time in finding someone who can help the two of you.
Hi A.--this is S.. I'm down to 1 month left and haven't had sex in a while either--but I have to say, I was able to talk with my husband about it. Our circumstances are different (we've been a couple for almost 15 years and married for 5), but I'll pass on what advice I think might help.
When I spoke with my husband about having sex (this was around the beginning of the last trimester, about where you're at now, right?), my husband had a few interesting things to say that helped me see his perspective. One--and this isn't uncommon--he was worried about hurting the baby. For him, "all of a sudden" you look radically different when you're obviously pregnant and he may be starting to see you as a mother for the very first time. This, for my hubby, was a bit of a freak-out moment: he didn't want to hurt the baby, or hurt me, etc.--and he (kind of amusingly) couldn't figure out how we might have sex with a big tummy in the way! :) Another factor--and one of the best parts of the pregnancy for me--was that he had begun to see the baby as an actual person with a personality, especially once the kicking movements got going and he could see them. So it was kind of like the baby was in bed with us.
So talking through this helped a lot. He wasn't as concerned with some of what your husband has said (working, doing everything for family, etc.)--but men often do seem to go through these stressors more intensely than women in our culture. It sounds to me like you've made every effort to talk with him, and I will say that if he gets angry in the way you describe that's not healthy for him or you or the baby. The physical thing of having an erection isn't likely even the issue (men always wake up with erections, and it's not necessarily because they're "turned on"--just a physical aspect of being a boy!:))...I would try talking with him one more time. Let him know you want to talk about this specific issue and set a time to talk so he can think through things beforehand. Then start by asking him to explain what he's feeling about sex in general right now. My guess is that he's insanely overwhelmed--about changes, finances, the future, that the bay will be more important than him...you need to reassure him that he can talk to you about these things (and that you might feel them, too). If you get more of the same from him after talking, you might want to ask him if he thinks counseling or talking with your obgyn might help.
I don't know you, of course, but one thing: PLEASE: if he gets violent again, you need to put your foot down and tell him he can't react that way when you're facing problems of any kind together. If he keeps that up, you should talk to a counselor or your doctor about that--it just isn't a good sign. Babies hear things in the womb and feel your stress--and once there's a screaming baby in the actual house, it'll only be more difficult to deal with sex and jobs and a new condo and the right kind of dynamics for dealing with such stress needs to be in place.
Good luck! Feel free to email back and I hope things improve for you! S.
Lot's of good advice here that I won't repeat. One thing, I've noticed that other couples who put the sort of phony celibacy thing in their relationship before they got married have a similar problem-the guy stops wanting it after it's "ok" again. I'm wondering if that is some sort of resentment. I have a feeling it's unhealthy to stop your sex life like that just to make it feel "special". Cause let's face it you aren't a virgin and you have had an active sex life. I don't know just a thought.
The pregnant thing is an issue for some. I was like you, horny as hell when I was pregnant. Personally I think pregnant women can be verrry sexy. But maybe he doesn't feel that way, and/or he has anxiety about the baby since it was unplanned.
You should be getting counselling either with or without him. And finally, you absolutely should not add more pressure-that will make it worse. Even though you are frustrated you should work through your own feelings about this on your own with a good therapist. For sure, you cannot,nor do you want to try to, force your husband to have sex with you if he doesn't want to. You are going to add to the dilemma. Remember that he is also dealing with the stigma that men are supposed to be the ones that want it all the time. What if the roles were reversed and he was putting a bunch of pressure on you? Let me just say, don't let this ruin your special time. I wouldn't focus on it , even though it's hard. If this is like the worse thing you've had to deal with in your life you are very very lucky.
Hi A.. I have to say, regardless of the WHY your husband doesn't want to have sex, his reaction to your feelings is what is really concerning. I'm at a loss as to how he could not understand that you would feel rejected. And to make matters worse, the way you describe his reaction is frightening. Let me tell you, a new baby puts tons of stress and will test even the best relationship so it scares me to think of how he will handle that! I would suggest some serious couseling. Do it right away and get in as many sessions as you can before baby comes. Get started as a family of three on the right foot. Best of luck to you and many congrats on the pregnancy!!!
You could try reading "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. I know a marriage counselor who swears by it. The more a woman tries to talk to a man about relationship issues, the worse it gets (as much as we'd like to think that talking about it will help us work it out and that men will feel better if they talk about it too and will understand our feelings, this just isn't true - men are not women). In fact, talking about it just makes it worse for men, because it reminds him how he's letting you down, how he's not making you happy, not man enough, etc. This is a huge deal for men, whereas women's biggest issue is fear of being alone, rejected and unloved. I hope that helps - wish I could offer you some more encouraging advice. Good luck and God bless.
That's the same frequency as my sex life, ha ha, but I've been married for 17 years and have two kids. Oh well, listen, your husband either is mad that you're going to have a baby and is holding a grudge, or he can't make love to a pregnant woman. (My husband was "scared" of hurting me when I was pregnant - unfortunately, not all the husbands out there are like Brad Pitt who finds his pregnant mate super sexy. Their loss.) But anyway, your husband is NOT going to improve with fatherhood. He has major issues and he's taking them out on you. Your self esteem will suffer and you'll be bringing your baby into a fighting home. It's very sad that this jerk wooed you back to the States and knocked you up, only to start showing you what he's really like. The sooner you dump him, the better. Do you have any family you can live near to help out with baby? I wish you the best.
I hope you find a good counselor/therapist to talk this stuff out... if you want a recommendation, ask me. Insurance covers it. Good luck!
Oy vey!
Counseling. Or psychotherapy. With someone whom you trust. Someone whom makes you feel safe. Someone who puts limits on "drama". Someone who teaches both of you how to speak to one another in a problem solving manner.
Someone who teaches both of you how to honestly share your deepest fears...according to your account your husband isn't exactly doing that...
Neither of you are crazy. Rather, both of you are in a relationship that is unclear to each of you, and the implications of that lack of clarity are sending each of you, in your own idiosyncratic ways, into a goofy round robin sort of interaction that is going nowhere.
R. Katz, Psy.D.
Hi A.,
Good girl for taking this to your girlfriends. Theresa M. has a great response. i am married 10 years to a great guy who hated the pregnant changes and loved having a new baby. He changed diapers but hated the toys laying around. He provides well, but never suggests anything fun to do. The reality of having a family and a home takes the smile off of too many faces.
After you do what Theresa suggests, I can only add that you might have to get tough with him sooner than later. When we finally went to counciling, I had been crying in the bathroom for several years. My three kids grew up to 7, 5 and 3 years of age and I could hardly breathe even though things were pretty good all around. He did not recognize my pain. The guys don't have the same emotional ties we have. Make sure he knows what behavior you will not tolerate as soon as it happens. Be patient with the sex. I have a super libido and have had to accept that sex is the thing I will likely always need more of. Remind your husband to smile again. This is NOTHING. He needs to learn to relax in the new world he has created. The constant stress is no way for any of you to live each day - and it is a very American thing to feel such pressure over the common events in our lives. Good luck to you. Focus on a healthy baby and pretend there is no man to please you right now - just to help you survive this time. Finally, my best communication has been through email with my husband in the worst times. You might give the written word a try if you really need to talk to him.
A.,
Welcome to Chicago :). A. it sounds as if he has the problem
with himself. A problem with committment and doesn't want to grow up and accept responsibilities that it's not just about him any more. He needs to get over it. A. number one think about yourself before you think about him. Do for yourself before you do for him. Love yourself before you love him. Heck
please yourself. Once you can take care of you and love yourself and appreciate all the things that are wonderful about you, than you'll attract that type of energy that type of response back to you. A. I have been with my husband for nearly 25 years and he has always been resentful of the fact that I got pregnant (an accident) and some of his freedom was taken away. I always done for him more, always cared about him more, always worried about where he was or who he was with. I should have given that energy to myself and my older daughter. I regret it all now I am unhappy marriage trying to get out (financial reasons).Now I'm starting over it never changed....
Put money aside for yourself do not rely on him and don't tell
him. You may need it for something important for you or the baby. If you continue to put his needs before your he will continue to treat you second and that he has more value.
Take care of yourself , eat right, fix yourself up show your
self some value and feel it. You attract what you put out it's the LAW OF ATTRACTION.. So as you pointed out he doesn't have erection problems . Is he attentive?? Is he loving?? Is he appreciative?? Does he consider your feelings?? Do what is best for you and your baby with or without him. This is america and you have a right to happiness. A. you sound like a beautiful person. Everything you are asking for is very normal not to much and you deserve it all. Pregnat women
should be spoiled and given all they love they can handle
good luck sweetie. This is your time it's about YOU!!!!!
Chicago
Hi A.,
My husband and I went thru this when I was pregnant, but it was reversed. I just couldn't bring myself to have sex and my husband thought I was gorgeous. Whenever we tried to have sex, I just kept thinking about our baby inside me. And of course the minute we got intimate, the baby would kick of turn around and totally take me out of the mood. Maybe this is your husbands issue. He see's you, not as the gorgeous women he's been with the last 4 years, but the mother of his child. I was taught that sex was a dirty thing, I'm over that now, but that was the thought process I was going thru. The problem I had was that I still wanted it. I hope after the baby's born and both of you settle into the patterns of your baby, things will return to normal. In the meantime, get a vibrator and release some of your emotional tension. And Congratulations on your first baby!
OMG you poor thing. I am so sorry this is happening to you. This is no way to be feeling when you are expecting a baby. He should have just a little more compassion. I have a few questions that I want you to ponder and I am going to refer back to points you made in your post:
1. 'this past weekend when i couldn't help it anymore and he accidentally walked in on me crying to myself, I told him that I
felt rejected, unable to make him feel better, unattractive, and ashamed of myself, this put him into a yelling, screaming, furniture-breaking rage.' Has he always shown signs of a temper/violent behavior and is this an enviorment that you want your baby in?
2. 'I think part of why
this is getting to me so badly is because of the absolute shock--we always had an awesome sexual relationship before. When he is upset he tells me that "he was just doing that so that he could convince me he was the man I needed" and that it wasn't really true. But can a man really fake a voracious sexual appetite for 4 years?' Is this what a man who really, truly, deeply loves you would say to you?
I highligted those two points because they REALLY stuck out in your post (to me) and I think there is some cause for concern here. Have you talked to him about going to marriage counseling. If the both of you want to get to another level, counseling may be vey neccessary. And if he is against it you should make it very clear that this is something that is important to you and if he loved you he would at least try it. You all definitely don't want to bring a baby into this hostile enviorment and shame on him for making you feel this way at a time when you at your most vunerable. I am so sorry that this is happening to you but I believe you all can get past it. Be prepared to put on your hip boots and go thru the trenches though. Good luck, God bless, and congratulations on your pregnancy.
Hi A.,
What truly worries me is the "yelling, screaming furniture-breaking rage" you spoke of. Children are very demanding and time-consuming. After the birth you will be tired and most likely need extra help in the way of family and friend at first, but then later from your partner as you raise this child together. And sometimes it can be extremely stressful just in and of itself. Will your man be able to handle work stress and then baby stress?
I say the same thing to my boyfriend (Ben's dad) all the time- 'all you do is work, why are you so tired?' He gets pretty pissed off when I say that because from his point of view it feels like I don't appreciate what he's doing at all and all I want is more, more, more.
We are in couples counseling. We started 4 months or so ago and things are getting better. We're learing how to listen to each other better and appreciate what each other does for the household. I would strongly suggest finding a couples therapist and going weekly.
Remember, this is your life too! :) I hope this helps.
blessings,
J.
Have you considered that he might be weirded-out by having sex while you're pregnant? I know a few guys (like my brother-in-law) who just thought it was too weird to have sex, knowing that there was a baby in there. It's also possible (although I think this sucks) that he might just find your changing body to be a turn-off. There could also be some underlying stress in preparing for the baby - does he have some worries (financial, etc) about how the baby will affect your relationship? This can be a real libido killer. I'd try and sit down with him and have a real heart-to-heart and non-confrontationally ask him about this OTHER stuff (NOT in the context of "why won't you have sex with me" but just a discussion about all that's going on in your life) - it may help you get to the bottom of this.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! Motherhood is awesome!
You might want to try couple's counseling. It might help you to understand each other and give you a safe place to communicate. If your husband is unwilling to go with you, then just go alone. Good luck.
To me, it sounds like your husband is scared of sex during the pregnancy. You're 6 months pregnant, 2 months married and had 3 months of celibacy before the wedding, that leaves 1 month of the sex life you were used to and you probably didn't know you were pregnant then. When I was pregnant, I went through the same thing. Men, as I'm sure you know, tend to be more gullible than women. He probably believes it's bad for the baby, he'll leave a dent in its head, he'll hurt you and all the other crazy stories. When, in actuality, an active sex life during pregnancy helps the delivery go smoother. If your husband does believe all the old wives tales, his frustration could be because he feels that you don't care about the baby since you're willing to risk all those things happening to it or because he wants to make love to you something fierce but is scared to death and he's too manly to admit it. Temptation works wonders so, while he's walking around with his erections, pay him back... Wear a little less around the house. Show off whatever you know he likes. Press up against him "accidentally" when walking past him. Nuzzle up against him when you go to bed. In other words, throw it at him every chance you get, remind him how much he likes to catch it but without words so that, when you make love again, he thinks it's his idea and not your demand. It'll happen, Hun. Please stop stressing over it because that isn't good for the baby.
Okay, so I don't mean to sound harsh but your husband needs to grow up. I would be livid. He may be stressed out but if he cares at all then he'd talk about it like an adult. You're pregnant and don't need to be feeling that way and he shouldn't be yelling at you like that. It's too early to be going through this and you probably need counseling (it's not a bad thing) and you may need to give him an ultimatum. Get to the bottom of this before the baby comes, trust me both parents need to be healthy in all aspects when the baby arrives. Our relationship struggled a bit after our first, having a baby can really test your relationship and it needs to be strong beforehand to get through. I can give you someone's name if you want, she's been great. Anyway, don't put up with that, this is such a wonderful time in your life! Let me know if you'd like to talk. Good luck.
A.,
I have gone through this situation many times in the solid 16 years I have been with my husband. (13 married). Although it really feels horrible to be "rejected" , especially since your hormones are in overdrive and you are very interested in sex and are also very sensitive at this time...my suggestion is to just relax.
It really sounds like he loves you, so that isn't the issue. You said that you were pregnant before getting married...and you did an abstanance thing for three months before getting married. He probably was interested during that time before you were showing and were "very pregnant".
My husband, along with lots of other men, have issues with having sex with their pregnant partners. As you get farther along, you only have three more months to go...you must look very pregnant at this time. My husband completely assosiated me as a pregnant mother at this point and didn't want to "hurt" the baby (no matter how much the dr.s would say it wouldn't hurt them) Mentally they weren't attracted to the pregnant motherly type. This also rolled into the time I was breastfeeding and the baby was always on me. (but don't NOT breastfeed because of that one reason - it isn't worth it just to have sex) My husband used to say that the baby owned my boobies, not him, so he wouldn't touch at all especially if milk came out during sex.
The erection you saw, is very common for men in the morning or out of the shower. It doesn't mean they are full on ready for sex...it just happens sometimes. You should be happy he had an erection after the shower. It just means he wasn't taking care of himself either instead of with you.
Also stress plays a huge part in relationships too. There have definetly been "waves" of sexual libido in my married life as well. Although I am ALWAYS READY, my spouse is not always...and it definetly is mostly directly related to things that are going on in their lives at the moment. You may feel that you are doing all the work...looking into condos, pregnancy, housework, etc. ...and he just goes to work like he did when he was single....but you have to realize that a pregnancy also effects the husband, and he starts to realize the realness of bringing a baby into the world that he will have to support and take care of his whole life. Woman usually go with the flow and respond to a pregnancy without many concerns. The man usually starts to freak out about all the responsibility that is coming up. It is just different, but a valid reason.
I've been pregnant three times...and every time has been the same as I got further along. It really sucked cause the hormones made me want more sex that I usually would...so that was REALLY bad. You sound like you are in a very similar situation as I have been.
I have come to accept this from my husband, because I know he loves me with all his heart, but I can't change the way he feels. Sometimes the pressure you are putting on him, and the crying and the complaining could also turn him off even more and make it harder to be around you.
Your life is just beginning with your husband and your soon to be new addition. There are going to be MANY changes coming up in your life and as the years go on. You can't expect your life to be like a movie and your spouse always being ready and loving and doing the right thing...because more times than none...it is NOT like a movie.
You have to try to deal with his quirks...even if it doesn't make you happy all the time. It's not like he is cheating or anything....he just probably genuinly is not as attracted to the "motherly" figure and just the idea that you have a child inside of you.
It is only going to get harder and will be a struggle once you have a child in the house. You need to come up with some survival skills of your own for down the road, and cut him some slack for right now. Harping on him all the time will honestly make it worse. You have to find medium ground that you can work with. It's not all about you...you have to take his feelings into consideration even if you feel they are unfounded.
You will have a better relationship down the road if you do. AND, since you obviously have a much higher appetite for sex, NOTHING is wrong with taking care of yourself from time to time. Don't stress out about it.....you might find that if you do, it will take the stress out of the whole situation.
:) Hang in there. I have been through the exact same thing..and it isn't fun!
