Husband Cheating and Lazy - Stay for the Sake of the Kids or Not?

I am recently divorced from a cheating abusive husband. I wish I had done it when my children were younger. It's not easy with the way the economy is today, but my children are much happier not living in that situation. They had to go through some counseling but are doing much better now. My children were 5 and 12 at the time. If you can't or he won't go through counselling with you to try to save the marriage, I would get out as soon as possible. I have alimony and child support to live off of for right now and while it's not what we were used to, we have to budget and do what we can with each other as a family and again we are much happier now. No woman should have to live with a cheating man, nor should children be subjected to it. The choice is not easy, no matter which decision you decide to make. Good luck.

Good fathers work hard-especially at home and would never dream of disgracing the mothers of their children-they lead and protect-and let nothing between heaven and hell ruin their family. That is love-it's about sacrifice and grace and decency.

The husband is having an emotional affair, whether or not he is doing anything else. He needs to be honest about this. The fact that he hid it from his wife is the evidence that this is not innocent or harmless.

The kids do not benefit from living in a loveless home with lots of fighting. They do not benefit from watching a non-functioning relationship where there is no love, no communication, no respect. The son will grow up thinking this is how to treat a wife, and the daughter will grow up learning that marriage with a low-life is the goal, and that she doesn't deserve to be happy. They do not need to look forward to another 18 years with a beaten-down woman who will come to resent them for trapping her in this relationships.

This couple needs to get into counseling, both to end the affair and to develop communication skills. If the husband won't go, the wife should go alone, to get some objective help in clarifying her feels, wishes, desires, etc. If there is enough there to save, then they can work at negotiating a better situation. If not, they can make plans to separate and divorce.

The father has obligations to support his children whether or not he lives with them. He will still be their father. I don't understand why women need to be martyrs for their children. There is a saying that "kids would rather be FROM a broken home than live IN one." That's what you should tell her.

There are housing options & vouchers, low cost health care, and other services available to her. Her therapist should be able to help her. She should also look into the town's Family & Children's Services Department for low-cost options and advice.

I love stories- don't you?

My dad cheated. My mom found out when I was a baby and he "promised" he'd never do it again... My mom stayed "for me". When I was 5 years old, he got a woman pregnant and had to pay child support for that girl (my half-sister), he "promised" he'd never do it again... my mom stayed "for me". My parents didn't want to upset me so they never told me about my half sister until I was 10 (and were under a lot of pressure from our family)... When I was 11, while cleaning house I found a stash of my dad's love letters to a "girlfriend" of his... some dated very recently. My mom knew what he'd say- so she just tossed them in the trash.

The next time my parents fought, I went out on the deck to get some air. I was supposed to be in bed, sleeping. My mom walked out on the deck (probably to do the same thing...) and sat next to me...

She was chatting with me and asked me how I felt about things. I told her that I thought they should both just get it over with and get a divorce. She adamantly said that she was staying "for me" and that she didn't want me coming from a "broken home".

They didn't divorce until after I went to college.

I spent my whole childhood LIVING in a broken home- it was just broken on the inside, masquerading as normal on the outside. My dad never stepped up as a parent, and not only was inactive in parenting me- his other daughter barely knows him AT all.... and was forced to basically go completely fatherless her whole childhood to protect "me".

When my mom told me she stayed "for me" it didn't make me feel extra loved or extra special. It made me feel like it was my fault that my parents couldn't go live happy lives apart from one another! I had to go through counseling as an adult for how guilty I felt about my parents' marriage! Would a divorce have been hard on me... sure, no divorce is "easy"... But my parents would have had a chance for happiness... and their fighting, and the cheating, wouldn't have kept me up so many sleepless nights.

I also had a ton of friends whose parents were divorced. Sure, their families were "complicated" and not perfect. But I cannot think of a single kid in the mess that wished that their parents had just stayed together "for them". If two people stay together and can work it out and come back to a place of love and trust- then sure... stay. But if the only thing holding two people together are their children and and "idea"- that will never make ANYONE happy. Co-habitating is NOT being a family.

I love my mom, and dad, dearly. My dad became the grandfather to my daughter that is wonderful and attentive and present in a way he could never be as my father. My mom was a wonderful mom, who taught me love, compassion, independence, and street smarts- and I look up to her greatly. BUT- her biggest mistake as a parent, the one with the most consequences and the most damage done... was staying in that marriage! Finally my mom has a new husband that treats her with love and respect... and she is finally starting to "get" what I wanted her to see when I was 11.

Good Luck to your friend- in all her choices!
-M.

So the child can feel responsible for the household being miserable?
Staying together JUST for the kids, is NEVER fair to the kids. It's a burden for them and places pressure they should not have. I believe it's SELFISH of the parents to stay just for the kids.

I am a child of divorce. I WANTED my parents to get a divorce because , even I at a very young age, knew they no longer loved each other. Our home was a nightmare to me.. They tried to stay together, but it really was hopeless.

There is no good time for a divorce in the life of a child, but I personally think a 2 year old and a 20 month old, is better than the 5 year old and 9 year old, my sister and I were when our parents announced their divorce to us.

A mom staying with a cheating husband teaches her children that it is ok to accept this behavior. Young boys seeing their father be lazy lay abouts, teaches them, that this is acceptable behavior. For a mom to make the best decision based on what will keep her mentally, emotionally and physically healthy, is the most important part of being a mother. She needs to be there for her children, she needs all of her strength to do this. She does not need to be disrespected and exposed to what her husband drags home.

Have your friend read all o the posts..
Empower her by reminding her to always follow her mommy heart and brain.. Then there will not be any regrets.

For the sake of her kids she should throw the double/dealing cheater out. How demoralizing to have such an unsupportive, selfish boy in puberty for a husband. He'll never change.
Say GOODBYE!

And now that I read all the ignorant quotes of the New Testament go read the Old Testament. No where in it is divorce condemned. As a matter of fact the Christian religion had no sacrament for marriage until the 1600's because it was considered better to burn than to marry.
Those quotes are from the Protestant make over of Christianity and not in the original books. KING JAMES VERSION. Were King James and his ministers GOD? You all need some secular education to find out what your religion really is based on and when it was really written.
No Christian text was written until 200 + years of the current era.

It isn't always a good idea to "stay for the children". By doing so it may set an example that her husbands behavior (cheating/being lazy) is an acceptable way to act. Even if there is no yelling during a fight, children still know that something is wrong. Living with less of daddy is better than living with tension in their home 24 hrs a day.

I guess I don't have a ton of sympathy, and I am just being honest...he is who he is, SHE picked him, married him, and had children with him, and now regrets it. Seldom are men Prince Charmings who all of a sudden turn out to be gross pigs.

I feel bad for her, sure, but I always think it's best to attempt to work things out for the sake of the children. If he isn't abusive, etc...that's the only real deal breaker for me, if he's beating her senseless.

I don't know...I do feel bad for women in this situation, but I just wonder why they didn't see it coming. Just being honest.

.

My friend is married to a man just like this. The most lazy and selfish b*strd ever. She even had to mow the lawn 9 months pregnant while also caring for 2 kids and working 3 jobs while he just sat around and watched football and skipped worked and put that family in the poorhouse. I could never, NEVER remain married to a man like that. I'd probably do extensive counseling first to try and save my marriage, but after that if there are no changes... nope, he'd be out! Really, kids deserve better.

Do everything you can to save a marriage-talk, compromise, see a counselor, etc. If all fails, I believe it is better to get out than to stay married to someone you can't trust and don't respect. Not only better for you, but for children to see thier mom happy and not being treated like a doormat. I understand there are reasons some women decide to stay-money, religious reasons, etc. Your friend has to decide if she and her children are better off with or without him in their lives on a daily basis. Her children will always have a father even if their parents are divorced.

I would wait until I get out of the post-partum period (re-gain energies and put routine in place for baby, find reliable child-care for both children) and then find myself a job. After that I would definitely separate, but until then I would at least take advantage of that lazy's butt presence, for the little things he can do are still a helpful to a jobless new-again-mom. Tell her to plan carefully his move away by getting all she needs into place before kicking him out. She does not need to feel guitly of anything because the lucky bastard can still be involved with his adored children...only not in the same house.

if the absolute only reason she's staying with him is the kids- no. that can totally mess kids up. My aunt is a perfect example. Her parents stayed together until she turned 18 and moved out. She knew full well her dad was always drinking and cheating on her mom, and consequently the only full time relationship she's ever had is with a married man because she's so scared of commitment and she knows he won't leave his wife for her. Very sad.

It's much better for kids to see their parents model good relationships, even if it's not with each other, or a mom showing that a woman can stand strong on her own, than to be miserable and together.

Tell your friend daily fighting and a miserable Mom and Dad are not good for the kids.

She is sending a message of accepting misery. Find a way to get out. The kids can still have a relationship with her Dad if he is willing and she does her best to be part of that.

My husband and I were that couple 2 years ago..........It was by God' s Grace with LOTS of prayer for us. For them if they are willing to make it work...it can happen. We have the best marriage now in 7 years we have been married.
Trust does come back with time, I am getting there. tell her to read "Love and Respect" and "Finding A hero in your husband" books, they are written by Christian Authors but her at this point whatever can help.

well, if she wants her kids to learn that men cheat and are lazy, she should stay for sure.
khairete
S.

Well, if I were her I would start to get my life in order. A 'training camp' so to speak. I would first of all start to save money somehow-whatever way she can b/c she will need a lot of it. I would get myself into the best physical shape possible. Looking great is an amazing confidence booster and she is going to need a ton of confidence to move on. She should make sure she has a network of friends and family in place. She should figure out where she is going to work and who will watch the kids. Doing this while raising the little ones will take a ton of time and energy-time and energy she does not have to waste on him so therefore she should almost forget about him. Think of him as a boarder -be very curteous and polite but nothing more. And do not let him know the master plan. She should not let him know she is upset anymore-she will be indifferent to him and his ways. Knowing that she will be leaving him will hopefully make this easier for her.

I am the first one to tell people to work out their marriage as much as they possibly can, and that goes for those with kids or no kids. I am also the first one to say, get out when both parties are not committed to the unity. This is where your friend is. She needs to get out unless her husband commits to change and she is willing to accept it. I don't know if she is a Christian or not but even God says in the Bible that when one of the partners in a marriage has fallen off and no longer committed or willing to be committed, e.g., cheating, then He grants permission to divorce. (I do not know the verse, maybe someone out there knows)

The comment that she wants to stay for the kids I can appreciate, however, her commitment to her job as a parent needs to be taken seriously. People constantly forget that what we do as parents is EXACTLY what we teach our children to do when they are adults, and possibly get married and have their own children. She needs to ask herself, does she want her son to grow up thinking it's ok to act like her husband and to cheat and be lazy? Does she want her daughter to think this is ok, and seek a husband that behaves this way? I think not! Worse yet! Does she want to teach her kids to be short and argue all the time instead of learn to work out there problems and be respectful and themselves and others? Hmmmm. I am guessing she does not.

In short, none of us can really make the decision for her, only she knows how bad it is in her home. I really do hope she finds peace, it's always sad to hear of families on the brink of disaster.

Blessings to her and her family.

Hello Y.! I think Megan C. has the answer your friend is looking for.

I was a single parent for years. I don't regret leaving my husband because of his cheating. My kids deserve more than that, and I wanted to be able to take care of them competently. I don't think I could have done that if I stayed. I was miserable.

Have a nice weekend! I will pray for your friend and her family.

I unlike one of the other Mom's do have sympathy for your friend. They will be singing a different tune when and it happens to them. When we marry we marry for love and trust. We can't control what someone else does and it isn't her fault he is doing this. Staying in a relationship that is filled with fighting, dishonesty and trust issues is NOT good for her or the kids. This shows them that all of this is the normal way parents act and it isn't normal to fight all the time or to be mad etc. I never encourage someone to leave and divorce this is a decision that only she can make. She has to have a plan if to leave him, look for a job now, get her papers in order (birth certificates etc.) I totally understand why she feels she needs to stay for the kids I stayed way longer in a relationship then I should have thinking that financially it would be better but once I got out I saw that staying for the kids wasn't the best choice, even though it wasn't long it still has effects on my grown children. Good Luck to your friend she is lucky to have you trying to help her out.

She needs to talk to her husband and they need to be honest with each other. Most likely they need counseling. Then they can each figure out what they want.

I personally don't think you should stay together "just for the kids" because they learn to stay in unhappy/unhealthy relationships and that is not a cycle you want to start. I do however think you owe it to the kids to give it your absolute best efforts before you decide not to stay together.

If she remains in the marriage, her son will think this is how a man is supposed to be towards women. The daughter will grow up thinking this is the type of man she is supposed to look for.

Personally, staying in a relationship for the children is never a good idea. They can still have their father if she leaves. If she stays, he will NEVER change because she has shown him he doesn't have to. Separations don't work. It's a license to fool around until the other spouse looks good to them again.

File for divorce and get on with your life.

Patty said it best: "Tell her to plan carefully his move away by getting all she needs into place before kicking him out. She does not need to feel guilty of anything because the lucky bastard can still be involved with his adored children...only not in the same house."

how much coffee do we have ? honey, it sounds to me like what this guy needs is a reality check. yeah, hes having fun now, but when his little girlfriend gets pregnant by him, he will suddenly decide to bail on her.hes not a man, hes just a boy in mens size clothes.you can do better then that ! you got family, right ? take the kids, a couple of suitcases, and bail on him.if you have actual proof that he is "doing"her, serve him with papers. he aint trying for husband of the year, but how much does really care for his kids, if he will refuse to spend time with them, so he can "do" some chick at work? if you stay with "romeo" , not only will you kids see their early lives as a waste and a lie( when they learn the truth about him)
, but, sooner or later, "romeo" will give you vd.
K. h.

You know my sister?...Actually, she's in the same situation and is about to leave. It is not going to be easy--but living with him isn't easier either. And, the parents get divorced, not the kids and parents. So, he can still be a great dad. I don't care for my BIL, but he will be a good "weekend dad". Your friend will have to get a job and find a small place to live. Maybe a 1 bedroom apt? She really needs to set a good example for her kids...she wouldn't want her son to treat his wife this way and she definitely wouldn't want her daughter to end up in the same type of relationship.

If they split up now, it may be an easier adjustment for the kids than it would be when they are a little older. Have they tried counseling?

Tell your friend that we are the biggest role models in our children's lives. They are always watching us and learning from us. Would she rather her children see her as a strong, independent, single mom? Or a door mat? Not sure if she has son's or daughters but either one will be effected in a different way. A son will think this is what men do, and a daughter may think this type of behavior from a man should be accepted. I was a single mom so I know how difficult it is, however I did it for my son. I guess my gut was right because I divorced when my son was 19 months old and my ex barely visited him. My son is now 26 and hasn't seen his dad since he was around 12 I believe. I remarried a wonderful man when he was three and he is the only father my son has know. There is a better life out there, but sometimes you have to go through the hard times to get to the good times. Good luck to her. Let her read some of what the women here say to empower her. You are a good friend to stick by her now, she is going to need the extra support and help!!

Once she has exhausted all resources to save the marriage and has prepared herself financially and emotionally for the exit, that's all she can do. Divorce is a permanent thing but the emotional part of it lasts a life time if you share kids.
Even in the worst of marriages, after the divorce, you will have feelings of regret for the rest of your life in most cases.
Even when your kids are grown adults, it just makes their life much more complicated since their parents dont live under the same roof. It's sad when both parents cant stand each other enough to attend graduations, bday parties, and weddings together for the sake of their kids, but that's how 90% of them turn out in the end.
Many young marriages with small kids go thru this same exact problem, it's the pains of learning to live in a relationship with someone for the rest of your life. It is possible to fix it if they still love each other. But it's a process. I would not rush into divorce, but separation could be in order. Time away from each other can be the answer on many occasions. True forgiveness has to take place to make that work.
He cheated for a reason, a therapist might be able to bring that to the forefront to help them both understand what went wrong and why, and they can work thru it from there if they care to.
If I were you I would sway on advice to help save the marriage rather than her rushing off to be a single mom in this cruel world.

They should separate. She should put her foot down. As long as he has the family in the wings he has no need to change. If he loses them, he might. He probably won't though, so initiating the separation is a good 1st step in either direction. Not only would she be wasting her life with him, but he's a horrible model for future spouses and behaviors for the kids. They don't need to see their mom treated that way and it will bring them a lot of pain in the future. What do you mean, "especially his son"? the guy is an uber jerk.

She should toss him out. He is emotionally and verbally abusive and lazy. He can love his kids in a separate household. He shows preference to his son over his daughter, that is not good for either child. A little girl's first relationship is with her father if he makes her feel as though she isn't good enough, she will carry that into all of her relationships.
Why would anyone want to stay in an unhappy relationship?

"Can't" support her ids by herself? Or doesn't want to? I'd call THAT lazy.

don't stay for the kids, it just teaches the kids that the behavior is okay. getting out will be hard but staying for the kids really isn't a good reason to stay. If he cleans up his act you can always reunite. and leaving doesn't mean that the kids will lose their father, if the father still wants to be active in the kids lives that can be worked out.

NEVER NEVER NEVER stay for "sake of the kids". You are not doing your kids any favors. Kids know their parents are miserable which makes them miserable too.

I've only read a few other responses but here's my thoughts. I came from a broken home, parents both remarried and had other kids. I have 6 brothers and sisters, and 4 parents. For me growing up going between houses was fine, I actually enjoyed it. My parents got along great, to this day I don't know why my they aren't together. They have never said one bad word about each-other and my mom even attended my dad's wedding with my SD. Obviously this seems to be rare but there are ways to make it work being separated that work better for the kids. If they talk things out and realize that they aren't meant to be together then hopefully they can be civil divorced parents.

There are always ways to make things work, and if she is really unhappy then she needs to find a way to support herself. She needs to open a savings account now and start putting a little money away just in case.

i suggested to her that she should ask him to move out (they live in her place)

I guess I thought when you are married everything is 'ours'.

This situation is between her and her husband and I really think you shouldn't be giving her advice on what to do. I would definitly be there to support her, but advising her on what she should do, is something that you shouldn't delve into. It's always easy to say, "if I were you, I'd..." than to know really what you would do, IF you truly were in a situation like that.

It's too bad she decided to have kids with somebody whom she's been very unhappy with for quite some time.

Y.,

Suggest the mamapedia.com site to your friend so she can tell her own story.

If she doesn't want to do that, I would suggest that she tell her husband that she would like to meet with the woman at work and her husband or boyfriend since he and she are just friends who "hang out" sometime.

If she is intent on staying for "the sake" of the children, consider birth control before she brings yet another life into the world which she can not support on her own.

Lastly, suggest to her that she seeks out some entry level job training so she can get a job and become more independent. I understand Starbucks has a good entry level wage and good benefits. If she does decide to go it on her own, the father still has to pay child support. This can be done through the Family Support Division, District Attorney in her county.

It is a sad situation considering the young age of both children. The children are always the ones that suffer for adult mistakes.

Blessings....

Updated

Y.,

Suggest the mamapedia.com site to your friend so she can tell her own story.

If she doesn't want to do that, I would suggest that she tell her husband that she would like to meet with the woman at work and her husband or boyfriend since he and she are just friends who "hang out" sometime.

If she is intent on staying for "the sake" of the children, consider birth control before she brings yet another life into the world which she can not support on her own.

Lastly, suggest to her that she seeks out some entry level job training so she can get a job and become more independent. I understand Starbucks has a good entry level wage and good benefits. If she does decide to go it on her own, the father still has to pay child support. This can be done through the Family Support Division, District Attorney in her county.

It is a sad situation considering the young age of both children. The children are always the ones that suffer for adult mistakes.

Blessings....

You should never stay fo rthe kids, if the marriage is not fixable. If he does this, he is not a good father. The kids need to see her stand up for herself and them. They need to know wha ta good man/spouse is like or they will marry someone just like dad or be just like dad.

She needs to secretly see a therapist and lawyer and start making plans to protect her kids future.

The advise you gave her is good. Maybe it would be good for him to be in a position where he can see that there's a cost for taking his relationship for granted and that there are consequences for his shirking his responsibilities as a husband and a father.

I would also suggest that the two of them start going to couples counseling and maybe also individual counseling to work out the issues that are going on with them individually and as a couple, to work through the hows and whys of what is going on and how they got to this point in their relationship in the first place.

My heart goes out to your friend. I hope that they can work to salvage their relationship and move forward in a healthier, more loving and supportive direction.

It's great that you want to help your friend, but you can't solve this for her, even with the greatest advice the hive has to offer. She has to want a change enough to make a change, and it's impossible for you, even as a very close friend, to know what's best for her. She has her own priorities, goals, fears, needs, etc.; what feels like the best advice to you might not resonate with her at all. She might make a different choice than you would make.

That said, IMHO, staying together "for the kids" is a lie people tell themselves to justify staying in a bad partnership. What good does it do the kids to see marriage as a constant struggle between two people who don't like each other very much, or to have to take one parent's side over the other's? If she stays with him, it's not for the kids, it's because she has something she's afraid to give up for some reason. For example, if he's supporting the whole family, even if he's not pulling his weight in other areas, she'd be giving up financial security and the option of not having a job herself if she left him. That's hard, but it's not a good reason to stay in an unfulfilling and inequitable partnership.

I don't see where asking him to move out temporarily does her any good. If their current interaction is limited to her nagging him to get a better job and mow the lawn, them living separately benefits him WAY more than it does her. He'll have less money to give her, he'll have less time to do chores, and he'll have more opportunity to privately communicate and "hang out" with this other woman. If she's going to ask him to move out, they should legally separate, and she should ask the court for temporary support order.

The first thing she should do is get a job. Without her own money, her options are limited, and being financially dependent on someone you don't trust is an untenable situation. Suppose he WAS having an affair with the other woman; does your friend really want to be in the position of being unable to ask him to leave because he pays the bills? She doesn't have to be able to support herself and the kids all by herself, but she does need to be able to support at least herself. If they had some kind of agreement that he would support the family while she would stay home with the kids, she may be able to get a temporary support order from the court for spousal support (in addition to child support, which he will owe regardless), but that won't continue indefinitely.

Once she's secure in knowing she can live without him, she'll be in a better place to consider whether she wants to live with him.

I would leave. Life is too short to waste time and energy with a jerk. Good luck to your friend.

HECK NO!!!!!!!! GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION!!! NEVER EVER stay for the kids.... Kids will always sense something!!!!

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