How to Tell a Friend That You Can't Keep up with Her Lifestyle

I completely understand the situation as I too am in this situation not only with inlaws but with my sister. Accept her invite once in a while. She asks because not only does she want to include you, but she doesn't want to go alone. Manis and pedis are more fun when you have someone to chat with!

Just tell her what you just told us.

I have a friend like that, and I know exactly how you feel. She and her husband visited me a year ago, and I escorted them around my town, but could not afford the endless fancy lunches and dinners they are accustomed to. So I just went along, and he kept picking up the tab.

It did feel uncomfortable and left me feeling a little resentful about being put in the position of being the orphan stepchild. When they wanted me to fly out to visit for an anniversary party, I said no, I couldn't afford it. A couple of days later she called, offering to pay for the flight (I"m THAT fascinating). I told her all the same feelings you have shared, and that it was really hard for me to accept her offer. She said, well, they wanted me there, so I let her pay for it. I went, and tried to be $750 worth of a fun guest for three days. :)

I think you should tell her exactly what you told us, and then when she offers to pay, accept it.

So, you might just look at it as - she really likes you and wants to spend time with you.

You seem to have some hostility towards her. And while I wouldn't let her pay for me to do everything she wanted to do, I would certainly let her pay for some things. She's offering because she can, it sounds like, and because she wants to spend time with you. Maybe dial it back a bit and look at it that way, instead of an annoyance and insult.

Let her pay for you sometimes.
If I were your friend and had money I would gladly pay for you just to have your company!

We have a friend like that. He's actually a prospective US congressman as well as owns many properties and makes a lot of money on them. He is the very sweetest and most generous guy. His kids are grown and he and his girlfriend and I and my husband get along very well. We are two if his few friends that aren't involved in politics, so he is relaxed around us and always wants to hang out. We like him because he's such a positive, happy and fun guy and he's in my husband's band. I like his girlfriend because she and I share the same interests.

We have four kids and we are on a very tight budget ourselves. We have let him pay a couple times. He insists! He loves taking us to places that we would have never gone to on our own. VERY fancy restaurants of DC. We do feel a little bad about it, so we have made sure that we don't take advantage or anything. We have said "no thanks" plenty of times. When we say it is OK for him to pay, it actually makes him happy... so, it's a balance. Let them do it sometimes. and other times do things that don't even cost anything... for example, we've gone to art museums together and have made them dinner at our house...

Let her take you to lunch or dinner once in a while. Return the favor by having them over for dinner sometimes.

When she asks, tell her that you are so happy she is in a position to afford all these great things and honored that she has offered to treat you and your family but you are not comfortable accepting her offers when you know it is not within your budget. Tell her that you don't want to take advantage of her friendship or generousity (nor do you want either of you to ever feel that you have).

I would talk to her and say that you appreciate her generosity, but it makes you uncomfortable for her to pay for your family all the time and you would just rather enjoy her company at one another's home or something.

My sister has a great, gracious line: "You know, Iess expensive works better for us."

I like it. She told me this as we were planning our annual overnight retreat. We'd previously batted around ideas (massage-- she loves them; great foodie restaurant would have been my ideal) and when we were finally hammering out plans, she just made this statement. I wasn't thrown at all, and was glad that she took ownership of what she needed without a lot of fuss.

I agree with Mommy B and a few other posters: try to find some balance, to reciprocate in ways that feel good for you and let her take you out now and again. I just took a friend out to dinner and drinks last night, because I love her company. She's done the same for me in the past, when I haven't been able to afford those sorts of outings. I think we have pretty healthy limits on this too, things aren't overly extravagant and it isn't constant--maybe 1x a month, tops. I'd try the gentle nudge with your friend first, and then if she is still insistent, let her know that you love her and would love to do something else (suggest an alternative). This is a conversation that you might be able to achieve with finesse and firmness. Be polite, be gracious, make your reason you are declining entirely about yourself, and be firm while friendly.

H.

Your friend already knows you can't afford certain things, so I would accept some of their generousity and decline those you don't feel comfortable with. I would also suggest that you extend dinner/brunch/lunch invitations etc. at your home because our dollars always stretch a little further doing home entertainment. Plus there's much more time to visit and no 15-20% tip to think about.

Blessings....

Amanda V has a great suggestion! If there are certain events and they purchase tickets ahead of time and invite you, then go... but offer to have them for dinner (at your home or at place you can afford) or drinks after.

If it's not your lifestyle (regardless of $$), then just accept occasional offers and reciprocate in "your way". My husband and I make good money, but we simply aren't extravagant people- we would rather pay-off our house and kids' college than go out 3 nights a week- just our preference. For that reason, we don't accept invites all the time. It's okay to say "we really can't this time, but we'd love for you to come over next week for dinner!"

She seems to want to spend time with you and do stuff like get a massage with her BFF - and she knows that she has the money - and she'd rather do it with you than without. It's not an insult.

I have a very good friend who works at our church. She makes a very meager salary and I know that things are vey tight in her household. We are not rich by any means, but I like to go have dinner out with her and am really more than happy to buy her dinner in order that I can share her company. To her the $20 is a big expense based on her budget - to me it's not. She has mentioned to me that she is not comfortable when others try to treat - I've answered her that this is a way for her friends to bless her and it allows God to use those people to bless her. She has gotten better about it - it's really not any different than when someone offers to help you out if you're having a big surgery. They prepare and bring dinner over, or they pick up your kids and babysit. They are spending their time to do something for you - to me time is way more precious than money. By accepting it graciously you are allowing them to bless you. It's a good thing for them too.

As for your situation - if you feel that your friend is truly your friend and not just wanting to buy your friendship - this is just her way to getting to spend time with you doing the things she wants to do. Do you feel as if there are strings attached? If so then don't accept and have a talk one day while you're out on a walk, or driving somewhere. But if she's truly a friend of yours and you feel close to her and she and her beau are doing well financially, the $100 to take you out to dinner or for a massage with her best friend is not a big deal to you. For perspective look at the proportions: if your family income for 3 people is $75K and hers for 2 people is $200 - the scale is $25k per person vs. $100K per person - or 1:4 So a $10 expenditure to you is like a $40 expenditure to her.

The option of course, is to accept the offer graciously once in a while - and then reciprocate with lunch or dinner at your house, or a prepared picnic or BBQ at a nice park/beach.

Finally the other option is to just tell her that while you cherish her friendship and you know she means well and has good intentions for the two of you to spend time together, that you are hung up on the value of the expenses and you're jsut not comfortable. Communicate in a way that makes it "your" hang-up - so as not to insult her good intentions. And see what she says.

Good luck with this!

She offers to treat because she wants to, not out of obligation, that is what friends do. Although I understand where your feelings fit in as well. I would say you have already explained your situation and that it is indeed ok to decline sometimes. Have a counter offer ready = ) Say no I really don't think "insert expensive restraunt here" works for us but perhaps you and I could have coffee on such and such date? Also there are lots of fun things you can do on the cheap...you could plan a picnic or have her family over for a BBQ or even for something before a dinner you could do cocktails and tapas at your house, or dessert and coffee? One of the most fun things my GF and I would do as a get together that did not cost anything is we would get together and do each others manicures and pedicures...fun and saved a bundle. Even if she declines at least you offered. She does sound like a good friend, but quite simply those with money don't think so much about it, especially when they have good friends, it makes them feel good to indulge a friend.

I would say something like this: "[Insert Name], I love you and I really do love doing stuff with you but we are at different points in our lives and a lot of the stuff that you invite us to do together, it's just not in our budget at this time. I know that you have offered to pay a number of times, which is very generous and I do appreciate your offer, but I feel uncomfortable accepting it. And I also feel uncomfortable having to decline your invitations over and over again. I still want us to do things but, if you don't mind, when you are thinking about things we can do together, if you can think of things that are a somewhat more affordable to me, I'd really appreciate it."

I usually think that honesty is the best policy but it has to be done with kindness and sensitivity for the other person so that it will be received well by her. I definitely think that you should mention that her constantly inviting you to get togethers that you can't afford and offering to pay makes you feel uncomfortable.

Another tactic you can take is to start being the initiator of the invitations. Your friend may have expense tastes and a little bit clueless about what activities fit within your budget. If you start inviting her to the activities that you can afford or suggesting these activities as possible get togethers, you may be a little bit more clued in on what works for you. Also, if you start doing the things that you suggest together, you will hopefully feel a little bit more comfortable declining her invitations to do the more expensive outings because you are already doing stuff with her -- you won't be missing out on spending time with her.

Hope this helps. Have a good weekend.

I can see why it makes you uncomfortable. Just tell her. She seems like a very caring friend, I'm sure she will understand.

As a person that is always footing the bill for things. The way you feel is very nice, and im sure she gets it but she has a certain life she is used to and apparantly loves you and wants you to join her sometimes.

I would take her up on things sometimes and others say no. Use your discretion. On the other hand i totally understand how you feel, i have a hard time accepting help, dinner, anything really from other people.

But just imagine you had a poorer friend that you wanted to go out to regular places to eat with you, or to a regular movie and they simply couldnt afford it for whatever reason. You would extend the offer to treat them in hopes they actually would, and it wouldnt be a handout itd be a chance to enjoy their company because you love them.

This is the same thing, sounds like just on a higher scale.

Honesty is the best.

I have friends and relatives like this. We just say we cannot afford it, and really appreciate the offer of her paying, but we are not really comfortable with her always paying.

If it is for a special occasion, do allow her the pleasure of treating you or all of you, but I completely understand how you feel.

Well, she's sweet to offer and I get that.
I would just say "I'm sorry I (we) can't it just too expensive and we wouldn't dream of you picking up the extra cost!"
I wouldn't go on and on about the human suffering in the world or too much about your dignity! If pushed, just say "No...really...we wouldn't be comfortable with that.
It sure would be nice to get a massage gift certif for your birthday so you can both go some other time....
I have a friend like that--wildly successful career--million dollar house and she used to go to dinner with me, drinking glass after glass of wine (at 10-12 per glass) while I had free refill iced tea and then she'd pony up half he check! ???!!! I had to say something, as at the time I just didn't have an extra $30 to cover HER bar tab! She was completely unaware of what she was doing--money was just "no object" to her! But it was "something" to me!
Honesty IS always the best policy. Good luck.

It sounds to me like she really enjoys the company of you and your family and as she and her boyfriend have no kids to dote on, she wants to dote on you and your family. Honestly, I'd probably go along with it every so often. I would let her pay if she really wanted to on occasion, but I would also suggest activities that were within my budget as well. Don't look at it as a hand out, look at it as something she wants to do for you so that she can spend time with her friends doing things she enjoys. And you do the same by suggesting those things you and your family can afford.

Does she have any other good friends who are able to afford the things she does? If she doesn't, she probably just wants your company! I'm no where near well-off as she is, but sometimes I want to maybe go out to eat. But, I don't want to go by myself, so I may invite my sister or a friend. Knowing they can't afford it, I will offer to pay myself, just so they are able to go & hang out with me.

You don't have to do everything with her, but if she is just looking for a friend to go out & do things with, then I would try to do some things with her occasionally.

I wouldn't even mention money or budgets to her again. Instead, the next time she suggests somthing you can't/don't want to do, I'd probably say something like, "oh, that sounds fun. However, with all the human suffering happening in the world, plus the fact that military families are sacrificing around us, my husband and I are trying to live less extravagantly. Not only do we want to teach our kids to appreciate non-material possessions and appreciate our blessings, but we want to feel content with the simple things also. Hey, we're thinking of doing a BBQ some weekend, do you think you and (boyfriend's name) could come?"

We used to get so embarrassed when our friends would go on vacations and would invite us... we simply couldn't afford it. They started getting upset, thinking it was that we just didn't want to be on vacation with them, when that totally wasn't the case! Finally, I bluntly said 'We simply can't afford it'... I explained we can't afford the time off work, we can't afford the trip, hell, we can't even afford the fuel to get there. You know what? I felt a WHOLE LOT BETTER and because they still wanted to include us, they were more sensitive about planning activities with us. Instead of renting a 4 story beach house, we all go camping. Instead of going to the Bahamas, we took a long weekend at their rental cabin in the mountains. They bought a jonboat for the river... we only have a canoe and couldn't keep up... they bought ANOTHER jonboat (swearing it was faster than the last one, but conveniently lending the other one to us each and everytime we hit the river). Honesty, for us, was most definately the best policy. I'm not embarrassed about it since I've admitted it... I am who I am and my friends love me for who I am, not who I pretend to be. I won't always be broke... and these friends that have stuck by us will still be in our lives (and we'll be able to return these favors) once we get out of this financial rut :)

I had a friend like this when I was a single mom. They very well knew that I couldn't have done things on my own financially, but they enjoyed our company and paid our way on several things. I knew because of the friendship I wasn't taking advantage and she wasn't expecting me to pay her back. I'd have them over for dinner, babysit when they needed it and was just myself. They never looked 'down' on me or were upset because I couldn't afford it, money was not important to them, they liked to have fun. I say if she wants to pay, then quit feeling inferior just because they have the money and you don't. Money is not important to her, having fun is. So do what you can, you can be honest with her about your feelings, but don't put it on her, it's a pride issue. She's not trying to 'one-up' you and flaunt her money. You're not suggesting these things, she is.

I also have a single friend who has been in our family for over 20 years, she lavishes my kids with electronics, toys & whatever when she wants because it makes her happy. She gives us her 'left-over' iPhones, GPS, televisions etc, never expects a thing, she just likes all the newest stuff and blesses us to get rid of the old. We never expect it and she knows it.

Personally, having been in the situation to pay someone elses way after all these years, I was more blessed to pay it forward, I think it's wonderful and generous of them.

You don't have to do everything they suggest to pay for, but if she wants to go for a massage or whatever, go, enjoy and pay it forward.

.

Depends what it is.
The other question to ask, does she usually do things to include your child? Also does she have much family or children in her family?
If she is asking you to go to the zoo, or do things fun with the child, then maybe she's looking for that link since she does not have children or that connection with family. Then I'd let her.
If its a massage every week, or more non-family things, I would just say no thank you. Maybe good to have this conversation with her to let her know you dont feel comfortable taking advantage of her. She may respect this as she may have friends that do. Tell her you value her friendship and not her money.

Do you exchange gifts on special occasions? If so, perhaps you could find a time when you could simply discuss with her how her generosity makes you feel (and I know from my own experience that when you are on the constant receiving end, it can be embarrasing). Suggest to her when you talk about it, that perhaps her gifts to your family could be coupons, gift cards or passes to events she thinks she might want to share with you in the future. This could result most likely in three or four times a year you would have these gifts to use and feel you are paying your own way on an outing with her family (birthdays, Christmas and your anniversary). Then allow her to pay your way once or twice more during the year just because she enjoys your company and wants to do it.
I don't know if you are a believer in the Bible, but there is a verse that I often think of regarding situations such as this. If "it is more blessed to give than to receive" then we might just be cheating someone out of a blessing by refusing to accept their generosity.

I would be honest with your friend. If it's bothering you, there's no sense in keeping it in, you'll just end up resentful. I'm not sure how long you've been friends, but like some of the others have explained, maybe since she really likes you she just wants you around and doesn't mind paying your way... maybe you can offer to pay the tip if she pays for dinner, plan activities that you can afford and invite her and her family along. Also, just know that you are who you hang around maybe you can learn something.

Send her my way!!! Ha Ha!!! Just kidding!!! :-) Well, you've already got a zillion great answers, honesty is always the best policy, just do your own self-reflections first and find a way where you can approach the conversation so that you're coming at it from a place of love. Coming at any problem from a place of love is always the best solution. The only other thing I can add is that we each have something to contribute to one another. Maybe you could invite her and her husband to some of the activities that you and your family share, and she could get to see and appreciate as much of your world as you are getting to see and appreciate of hers. Good luck!!! :-)

I would just explain that while you appreciate her generosity very much, having her foot the bill is just not something you're comfortable with. You may also want to add that you don't want your child thinking this is the kind of stuff you can do all the time, since it's not in your budget.

I think it's very sweet she wants to share her good fortune with you - that's a very nice friend. But I completely understand you not feeling right about it - she definitely needs to respect that.

We have friends like this also. They were a wealthy successful couple with money to burn. They were also very insecure about friendships and my husband and I saw them trying to buy friends at every corner. Dinners, trips, sport equipment, clothing, you name it, they offered. We were offered a cruise, a rental motorhome for a trip, and at one point a large cash loan for a business idea. We turned them down everytime just by simply and kindly saying "NO we can't let you do that and it's not your obligation to pay for things we can't afford." They eventually split up. He kept the big money business and house. She moved on to a nice simple hard working man who treats her much better and doesn't throw money around trying to buy friends. She is much happier. Unfortunately they made a few business mistakes (I'm sure it was because she had a hard time limiting her spending habits) and recently filed for bankruptcy. We feel so bad for them in this situation now, but can you imagine our guilt if we had been taking money, gifts and trips from them all the times they offered? They have to go thru this themselves, just as we had to pay our own way. We support them with letters, and emails, and visits when possible.(they moved a few hours away for the new business that failed) When they are in town we make sure to invite them to visit and have dinner with us. She still brings wine, but its a $6 bottle and not $50, and we are better friends because of it. So I wouldn't take your friends money or offers for trips and such. Let her treat you to lunch on your birthday, but then you need to do the same on her birthday. Invite them on the trips you can afford. They may have more fun living your lifestyle than thier overblown money wasiting lifestyle. Tell her you just can't let her pay for things and that you love her for her,, not for her income. Believe me, our friends had leeches who sucked them for every penny they could get in the guise of being their friends. When they divorced, he ended up with all those "friends" and they still use him for his money. He is still insecure about himself because of it too. She on the other hand, is able to trust who is a real friend and says she is much happier being happy than she was being rich.

I have a deal with my bff: When one of us strikes it rich, we will have to make sure we have enough to 'keep' the other...meaning we know it won't be nearly as great to be rich if we don't have someone to hang out and share it with!
So to answer for your situation, I would have a casual but pointed conversation over a glass of wine, letting her know how I really felt...uncomfortable, but willing to 'take some friend charity' on occasion. Maybe just as two friends, not so much hubby and kids though?

I run into this with my sister (who now has 3 kids) all the time! I live 3000 miles away from my family, and I really enjoy doing things out with them while me and my 2 kids visit. We don't get together very often, and we enjoy eating at my mom's as well, but I get VERY frustrated that she sees my offers as "handouts." Over the last few years, I've tried to curtail how often I offer to pay or even suggest that we go out to eat or do something else away from the house that requires money.

However, I don't see the harm in allowing someone else to pay every once in a while. I myself struggle with this with my in-laws (we aren't allowed to pay for ANYthing when we visit), but sometimes, it makes the other person feel good when they can help. I may not always be in a position that I can do these things for and with my sister, so I like to do them now while I can.

I think I might do a combination of both. First, I would sit down with her and explain how you feel and that you don't want her to pay all the time; that you would actually rather miss some things than to have them pay all the time. But I would also say that occasionally you might agree to do something and allow them to pay, but not very often and definitely not all the time. Here's another thought - maybe you could invite them to do some of the fun stuff that your family does on a budget. Maybe she always invites you to do the expensive stuff because she's not sure what else there may be for you guys to do all together and the fact that it is too expensive for you, just doesn't occur to her. It sounds like she's just trying to have fun with her friends and would rather pay for her friends to be there and enjoy it with than to do it without her friends which would not be as enjoyable.

I didn't read the other answers but waht to give you my insight as I not only have the T Shirt but wear it well. Because of medical problems and all of our money going there we had little left over. Our dear friends were kind enough to want us to have memories of fun and helped us by getting us out of the house, witha family vacation and even a chair for my husband to make his last days comfortable. I say this because I hated them doing it at the time because I hated feeling like I just couldn't "pay back" what I can tell you that they helped me to see this is thier way of showing you they love and appreciate you and want to have your companionship. No strings need be attached so think about it from a far different way of this is not a show off thing but a way of spending time with you. Don't feel bad there will come a time that you can do this for someone else in the future.

I think you should be upfront with her or it will never go away and could possibly begin to drive a wedge between your friendship. Sincere honesty is always a wonderful thing! It sounds like you do not harbor any ill feelings toward your friend's financial situation and it sounds like she is a kind enough person that I bet she would honor your wishes. You could pretty much just tell her what you have written here. Good luck!

A.

I think your friend just wants to spend time with you and your family, and that is why she offers.
I can understand not wanting to all the time, but once in awhile is ok. Just say thank you and enjoy yourself.

She sounds like a very kind friend, but I understand your position. I don't think you should spend any less time with her. I just think that when she suggests an expensive restaurant, you suggest one in oyur budget, because you are saving money. There is no shame in that. I have said this to my friends and they have said it to me. It makes things really easy. You would rather suggest something in the lines of your budget than blow her off, that will really hurt her feelings.