Am I a Cheapskate?

I understand what you are saying. That you don't mind being the parent who schleps along the kids but that you can't afford to pay. So do this - if you send a text or email, add an amount:

I'm bringing Tommy to the movies. Does Timmy want to come? The movie is $11 and the soda and popcorn is around $12. Let me know if Timmy wants to meet up with us (we can pick him up and drop him off, too).

Parents will get it and if they don't, well then they are social morons.

I would not be offended - in fact, I'd be supportive. I don't expect anyone to pay my kid's way. I always offer. And I always decline if I invite - but it's nice to be asked.

If I invite, I pay. Hopefully the other parents are reciprocating. (In my experience, they do reciprocate. I do send my kid with $, but never once has he actually spent any of it.)

I would expect to pay for a child if I invited them somewhere.

However, I would not be offended if I received an invitation phrased similar to Mommy Of 1's suggestion.

If I invite, I pay.

Semantics.
Forget your "treat/join" definition. Not everyone will get that.

If you can't treat--then you cant treat. Make it known right away.

Remember it goes like this:
"Jane, would Jake like to come to see Movie XYZ with us at 1:00? Tickets are $9 plus money for a snack. I can't treat, but I'd be happy to take him with us if he'd like to see it."

I would never assume that someone else's family has the financial means to pay for the activities to which I've invited their kids. They might have less than we. If we aren't prepared to cover the cost of our guest, we don't invite.

ETA: I should mention, when our kids are invited I send money with them to cover incidentals and treats. I don't assume that the parent who invited them is going to pay. However, in 13 years I can't think of one time that my boys have had to pay when they've been invited. Yes, I think you're a bit of a cheapskate. Sorry.

If we invite, we pay. It's simple and it's implied for younger children. If we can't afford to treat the other kid, we don't invite them to an event, but to play at our home or a park. Personally, I am not sure I would invite a child to something we couldn't afford mainly because if we can't afford to take them, then maybe their parents can't either.

We call and say "Can Iain come Go-Carting with us? It will cost $10." or "Can Connor come to the zoo? I have a free pass for him." or "Can Aidan come to the museum with us? My treat." Honestly, most parents are more than happy to pay the $10 to get someone to take their kids and entertain them for a few hours. I let my kids each bring a friend on an outing at least once a week. There is no way I could afford to pay for them all, but I am always up front about it. I would be up front about any costs in the invitation. The kids whose parents ignore requests to pay should only be invited for free outings.

I would never expect an invited guest (a friend of my child's I personally invited) to pay their own way.

I mean, when your kid has a friend over to play, do you send that child home with a bill? 1 glass apple juice, $.60, 1 bowl pretzels, $.50?

If I couldn't afford to pay for another child, I wouldn't invite another child.

I, too, would send my child if invited with money, just in case. But I don't believe they ever once used it to pay their own way.

Maybe I misunderstood the question.

:)

ETA: You know, there have been plenty of times I've said no to my kids' request to "bring a friend" (all three of them)
because we just can't afford that right now, or not this time, or we're just going as a family. And that's perfectly okay.

I'm not going to judge you, but you DO need to make it clear up front.
If I invite a child, I pay for that child.
Most people I know do this as well.
Of course nobody I know takes a whole group at a time, unless it's a birthday party.
And mostly we just did playdates at home or the park, sometimes our pool, where the cost was minimal.
So unless you are willing to pay don't assume anything.
"we are going to x event, if johnny would like to join us he needs to bring x dollars"

I gotta agree with everyone else. When the kids get older, around middle school, it changes. At that age, the kids are planning outings among themselves and each participant should expect to cover his or her share. For example, I will often end up driving one way to the movies but the kids go in on their own and each child has money for the movie, drinks etc. However, even with my high school kids, if *I* invite their friends somewhere, I pay. I recently decided one Saturday night that I wanted to go see a movie. My two teens were home and each had a friend over. I invited them all to come and made it my treat because the kids hadn't planned it. The guests offered to pay me, but I insisted that they keep their money. Same thing for food - if my teenagers have friends over and they collectively decide to order pizza or ask me to pick up takeout above and beyond our normal meals, the kids pay. If I invite the friends to stay for dinner, I'll pay (for pizza or takeout).

If things get lopsided and one family seems to always be taking one of my kids somewhere and I rarely do, I will be assertive in balancing things out and that's usually welcomed. For example, one of my kids went to several movies in a row with a friend. I always sent money but she never used it. For the last one, I said "look, you've treated him to 3 movies so please, really, let me cover this one" and gave her money to cover her and the kids. Likewise another friend uses a season pass to take my sons skating at an outdoor rink along with his own son, so I always send $20 and insist that he use it to buy the hot chocolate and snacks. My schedule doesn't permit me to do as many outings with the kids as their friends can do, so I do like that they have friends who can take them out and try to keep it balanced and if it's really lopsided, will find a way to make it up.

Not cheapskate here where we live.
We do pot lucks, when we are invited anywhere we offer to pay for ourselves or we offer to take dish. . We are not emberased to invite people to a new restaurant and say, we are going to try out this new restaurant, do you want to join us, we can each pay for our own meals but try each other's entrees.

Same with our children, we are going to the livestock show, the tickets are $15.00 you think your child would like to join us?

I would love to be able to pay for everyone, but it is not possible.

If I invite a child to join our activities, I pay for them. I guess it's kinda like inviting someone over for dinner and asking them to bring their own food. I'd just never do that. If I can't afford to pay for the other child, I just won't invite them.

On the other hand, if my child is invited to go to the movies or whatever with another family, I WILL offer to pay. I can count on...well...NO hands how many times they've taken me up on my offer. I usually send money with my kids anyway and tell them to buy a snack to share with their friend. I guess the "you invite, you pay" etiquette is strong with most folks...

Honestly, since money is tight for you, I don't know what to tell you. You want to have your kids spend time with their friends (totally understandable), but it really is kinda tacky to invite someone along then ask them to pay. If they offer, great, but to actually *ask* them for the money...I don't know what to advise here...

If we invite, we pay 100% or we do not invite anyone.

I have never accepted money from any friends we have invited to do things with us... I always sent money along with my daughter when she was invited and only 1 person in 20 yrs expected her to pay anything and that mom made her pay 1/4 of a complete dinner the family had when daughter did not order anything except a drink because she had already eaten. I didn't get bent out of shape about it, although I thought it was tacky. I knew it was a single mom and she used our daughter to help foot the entertainment bill for her family that night. If she had point blank asked, I would have paid 100%.

If you can't pay for everyone, don't go. I completely understand that some families cannot pay for everyone and in those cases, I feel they just should not invite because it puts the guest in an awkward position as well.

No, this doesn't make you a cheapskate at all. It's really nice of you to take other kids along all the time. The important thing is to make it clear when you first invite the child that you expect them to bring their own money. You cannot expect to ask the parent when you pick up/drop off the kid to pay if you haven't already, since they might not have accepted the invitation if they knew you weren't covering the cost.

I never expect to have my child paid for by someone else, so I would always send money or ask in advance if I had the opportunity.

Just make sure that you talk about money when you extend the invitation. If you have kids whose parents consistently don't pay their share, just stop inviting them. The parents will get the hint and either start paying or they will understand why you stopped asking.

A nice way of saying it is simply to include the price. "I'm taking my kids to the movies today. I can pick up Jimmy if he'd like to join us. Can you please give him $10 for the ticket and a little extra if he wants snacks?"

Finally, one thing to consider... it sounds like you go out a lot. Even if you're not spending much each time, it adds up and could be a burden to other families. If you ask the same kid too often, it might be more than the family can afford. So maybe just don't invite the same kid too often.

Yeah I am with everyone else, you invite, you pay. I know you say you send money and never assume but how often do these people actually take your child's money? If they are sending the money home or your kids are blowing it on junk at the event, they aren't doing it out of the kindness of their hearts, they are paying because they invited your child.

Perhaps you should talk to the parents of your children's friends because it seems like you have it backwards and if that is the case you appear to be the parent that mooches off of them and refuses to pay for their kids in return.

I also liked the movie at home suggestion. My kids actually prefer that to going to the theater.

If you want a kid to pay his/her own way, be upfront at the time of the invite. "We are going to x movie at x time. Would your son/daughter like to join us? Unfortunately I can't cover tickets for friends, but they are $x at that theater." I think it is better to be really direct than beat around the bush with it. You may not like to have to ask, but if you say it upfront, then it's not awkward later.

Mommy of 1 is spot on.

If my kids are invited somewhere such as a movie, I always insist on paying. I tell the person "we both have large families and life is expensive, so please use the money".

I have a very large vehicle. If there is a break from school I have sent out a mass text saying something like "the van is leaving for xxx, anyone interested is more than welcome to come, bring a water bottle and $whatever dollar amount".

I really don't see what the big deal is about asking for people to give their kids money. If they don't have the funds, they can say they have plans or this month isn't good, etc.

Also, our family rarely ever goes to the movies because it's a very expensive treat. It's about $75 for our family of 5. Is there a cheap day or dollar show?

Honestly, I completely understand. While I totally get it, it has not been my experience. Whenever my kids have been invited somewhere I have always offered to pay, but the parents have NEVER taken me up on my offer. Despite that, I will always continue to offer so that there are never any misunderstandings or hard feelings.

With that being said, when I invite someone else's child with me I expect to pay their way before I even extend the invite. With that in mind I decide ahead of time whether I can afford to take one or two extras along, and if it is just too much for my budget than we go ourselves and do not invite friends along.

If my kids just want to hang out with their friends than they can hang out at our home.

It is not polite to 'invite' people to pay their own way. The default expectation is that if you invite Friend to the movies, you're covering. Then when Friend's family invites your kid to go get ice cream, they are covering.

Unless you know the family well, asking them to send money is always going to be awkward. Perhaps the family can't afford it just then either, and then they have to make up a reason to decline or share their personal business with you.

If you can't afford to cover a child's friend, that's just fine. You don't need to stay home, you simply don't invite friends to come along. This is one of those "live within your means" things, and extra people are not always within your means.

I invite, I pay. I insist. Plenty of kids we've taken along on outings are sent with money from their parents and some offer or try to pay for their own tickets or treats, but I always thank them for offering but insist that it is our treat.

When my kids were younger and invited out with other families, I sent them with money to buy their own, as a courtesy. No one ever took the money.

Well, actually one of my DD's did have one friend whose mom would invite and then tell me. "It's 5.00 for admission" and wait for me to hand money over to her. Often she mentioned it more than once during the inviting or planning. I paid her of course, but I just thought it a little awkward and a little annoying because these were small amounts of money and NO ONE else did this. This was not a family with financial challenges, either. It kind of made me feel like her thought was this was offering a babysitting favor for me, because she would also sometimes make comments alluding to it "being my turn to take them next time"

It's easier now that their older, they pretty much go out for movies and treats in the neighborhood without parent chaperones, and the kids manage their own allowance money. Sometimes friends treat them, sometimes they treat their friends. Some take turns. And some kids just seem to have more money than others. We just have ongoing conversations about being responsible and not taking advantage, and being respectful that people have different money situations.

You're not a cheapskate. With our neighbor, we just tell the other how much the activity will be and they send the money. Sometimes we pick up the tab but itshouldnt be expected. If I invite a new friend along, I work that out with the mom beforehand. I would just say, " the movie is $8 and we'll take a snack, if that works for you"

My son has a friend and I know they are struggling financially. So when I invite him , I pick a free activity or tell the mom it's our treat.

When my kids were invited somewhere I always sent money. They always came back with the same amount.

When I invite, I pay.

As a parent, if you presented this to me, my kids probably wouldn't be going. You have no idea if the other family has financial strains as well. You could be opening a can of worms at the other end.

If your kids wants friends over, just invite them over.

I always send money with my child, but have never once had the money taken from them and used to pay their way. I would never send a note asking the parents for money to come to with us to an event in which I have invited their child. If I were you, I would just stick with free events. Check out the calendar of events in your city- there's usually tons of stuff to do! I generally bring our own food (my kids are VERY picky eaters), and just pack a little extra if we have someone coming along. I like the idea of being creative with at-home events too. My kids have just as much fun playing with their friends at home.

I will admit up front that I skimmed other answers and did not read them fully. From my skim, though, I don't think I saw anyone bring up consideration of another family's budget. I don't think you're a cheapskate for wanting them to pay for their child, but you are assuming that they would be able to do so. I agree with folks who have responded that an invitation implies that you will pay. I agree with suggestions that you should invite kids to free activities or when you can pay for them. Good luck!

I think you need to stick with playing at the park or staying home.

The simple answer here is don't invite them to join you. That implies you are treating them. Rather let your child say to them we are going to "x" mom says I can bring a friend it costs this much. Then when the parent calls you tell them the cost. We often paid for other kids but only when we set up the plan and invited said kid to join us. And this will affect your kids friendships so stop now. If you invite you pay. It's not about being a cheapskate it's just about how you are inviting them.

We invite our middle school daughter's friends to do things often. When we invite, I expect to pay. That to me is what an invitation means. In your situation I would only invite another child if I could afford to pay that child's way. That keeps things simple.

Usually the parents send some money with the kids which is a nice gesture, but I don't accept it for the event or movie or play or whatever. Since these are older kids I might let them pay for some of their meal if we go to dinner afterward, or a dessert if we go out for a treat after the main event -- older kids often like to be able to pull out their wallets. But I always intend to pay for it all if I am inviting someone. I send my own kid with money when she's the one being invited, though other parents around here tend to be like us -- they invited, so they plan to pay.

I get that you want to have your kids' friends along, but do realize that in many cultures, many areas, many families, an invitation to "join us" is interpreted as "it's on us" unless you are explicit in advance. So some parents of your kids' friends might be taken aback when you stand there saying, "OK, that's $7.00 for the movie and $5.00 for ice cream afterward." You're not wrong, really, but you need to rethink how you issue your invitations,to avoid putting other parents on the spot and embarrassing them, yourself and the kids. Saying "I will treat everyone" when you do intend to pay just clearly isn't getting your message across.

Be clearer. "Sally really wants to see Movie So and So and says your Jenny does too. I am happy to pick up Jenny and drive the girls to see it, but can you please cover Jenny's ticket?" Or as someone else puts it below: "I can't treat the kids to the tickets so can you send Jenny with $9.00 for the movie?"

Something like that. Some parents may still act like it's odd, frankly, because for some of us it is. But other parents will be glad you were explicit about the payment. Also consider just inviting other kids only to free events.

When someone invited my kid and didn't specify, I always sent money with her.
When I invited but couldn't afford to pay, I said, "Frizzle would love to have Spanky come with us to the movies, but Spanky will need to have her own ticket and concession money."

I agree that it doesn't make you a cheapskate, not at all. But different cultures have different expectations when it comes to invitations. For some, an invitation implies that it is a treat. To prevent any misunderstanding, state how much the event costs, and politely apologize that you cannot cover that cost. I think most will respect that and be grateful you were honest (for example if they couldn't afford the ticket, and accepted the invitation with the assumption that it was already purchased for their child and at the last minute have to pay for it).

It's a shame everyone doesn't just offer or send money so there's no confusion. You really shouldn't have to feel funny. I agree with many of you invite, you have to be prepared to treat. But it is cleaner if everyone pays for themselves or their children. Some parents host a lot and yes, it could get expensive. If it goes back and forth about the saw amount with one family then no big deal but often it doesn't. Like in your case I guess. We are well off financially and so are most people we know but many of us still offer to pay and even take it sometimes. Not always but sometimes it's clear the host parent is really doing a favor. Or the host family keeps hosting so will take the money sometimes. So I don't know. Maybe it's not a blanket approach but you work it differently for different families. Someone keeps letting you pay and never takes your kid, tell the cost upfront.

If my kids are invited, I always pay their way. I send the money along with them and make sure the mom knows she has it so it can be used. I'd say about 50/50 it comes back.

On the other hand, if I felt like we could not afford the event we were invited to, we would not accept, assuming we would pay our own way.

But that being said, if you invite, you should be prepared to pay. If you can not afford to take a whole bunch of kids, have your kids pick one friend to invite and that's it.

If you want to make sure they are connecting with their friends, have them over to your house. Rent a movie for $5 bucks on your On Demand or play dance music, make popcorn, top your own pizzas and have some other treats, ask the kids to wear their pjs and be picked up at 10 or whatever. Kids will find this probably more enjoyable than the trips out.

Save the more expensive trips out for family time.

I wouldn't say you are cheap, just have high expectations.

I agree with Mommy of 1, I expect to pay but that's a good way of phrasing it if you want the other child to have money for their own ticket.

I would also think about inviting them to play at the park with a box of ice cream treats or watch a movie at your house. Same activities, way cheaper. :)

I invite? I pay.

When other people invite my kids anywhere? I send money with them just in case. They know to tell the parent "my mom gave me $20 to pay for my way in". I don't think I've ever had another parent accept the money.

You should not invite if you can't afford to pay. It's not about staying home. An invite to me is compared to a invitation to a party. You don't pay to get into a party, do you? No.

If you can't afford to take all of them? Do what you can afford.

I'd say "Hey, we're heading over to the ice cream store to celebrate would XXX like to come along? I expect it will cost her about $5 if she wants to come".

How often are you getting ice cream/ movies? Your post says often enough that if you paid for all the friends it would amount to a couple hundred a month. Might I suggest, you netflix or redbox one of these movie events, or do a make your own sundae night at home. That way you can squeeze an extra $8 or $16 out of your budget to cover that kid whose parent didn't couldn't send money, or who took your invitiation to join as an invitation to pay.

Best,
F. B.

It depends on where you're taking the kids. I undersand things can be expensive,but somthing like icecream, thats just rediculos in my opinion. If we're going out somwhere, like the zoo, I pay forthe friends to get in,but Iwould say take your own money for spending in the gift shop or buying snacks.(we pack some snacks with us,but if they want somthing additional, they have to cover it) Stuff like that is normal. If we are going to an amusment park then we ask the parents to cover it. If my kids are going somwhere, I normally give them 10 or20 bucks just in case. If you don't want to pay for the friends don'tinvite them. Try inviting them to the playground or your house, or maybe if theres a pond nea your house you can take them there.

I guess I would invite other kids to join you when you are doing something that is free...the playground, a play date at your house, etc. There really isn't a nice way to invite a child to a movie but then expect them to pay for themselves. It is my understanding that if you invite a child you will also pay for them. So perhaps keep the movies an activity that your family does together alone. Or plan on meeting another family there if you know they also want to see the same movie. Then then kids can sit together. So...I'm with most of the others on this. If you invite someone it is assumed you will pay for them.

ETA: For ice cream? Yeah...if you can't afford ice cream for kids? Don't go while they are around. I get it - Cold Stone creamery can be expensive...but it's ice cream...
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No, you aren't a cheapskate.

I will state, when I/we invite? We pay.

It's your budget.

It's OKAY to state, "Hey Jane! I am taking Jack & Jill to see Paddington at 2PM tomorrow. Tickets are $12.50. We were wondering if Sally could join us?"

It's clear that you are not paying but want their child to accompany you.

When my husband was unemployed? We had friends taking our kids to the movies a LOT. We were VERY grateful. However, once he was employed again, we returned the favor. When I invite people to join us? I pay. That's ME. In the rare times we could not afford to pay for all? I would say just what I said above...parents know when finances are tough.

In times other than when my husband was unemployed? We always sent our kids with money to cover their cost in. Also with the EXPLICIT understanding that they were to pay for their way in. There's only been one family that accepted the offer. Other than that? Parents said? Thank you for the offer.

IF you are treating? Why not just say "I'm taking the kids to see Paddington at 2PM. Can Jill join us?" and leave it at that.

Good luck! Hope this helps!

I send money too though typically it's not accepted. I am cheap. We can afford to treat our kids' friends plenty but it gets to me. So I understand where you're coming from, tight budget or not. But it's a reason I don't offer to take kids to the movies a lot. It's actually a reason I don't take my own! Cheaper to watch at home... And if these friends never reciprocate by taking my kids, I'd tire of that too. So you could start doing what these friends do. Don't send your kids with money so the family treats them. Then treat that child. Break even. Parents who never treat your kids - just do playdates at home. So there's a work around. You're not being cheap but it is normal to treat when you make an invitation. Not everyone is considerate and treats in return. So make these things reciprocal and for parents who don't, stop inviting those kids to things that cost money and just have them over. And honestly, you're doing so many of these things it could add up to hundreds a month? That's a lot. Or maybe you have 4 kids.

If I invite someone I always invite KNOWING that I am paying for the other child.
AND, if that child comes with money he will go home with the same amount.
Because I INVITED that child.
So, in my opinion.....if you are not willing to pay for the child then don't invite the child with you.
(side note....if you are a penny pincher and carefully budget and never splurge on anything, I am having a hard time understanding how you go out "so much" and it would add up to a "hundred dollars or more" a month. That's a LOT of going out!)

If we invite, I always assume we're paying.

i think it's fine to take kids but have their parents pay.
i think it's problematic to take this tack but somehow expect the parents to intuit it if you don't make it clear. because for many of us, the offer DOES imply 'my treat.'
you're not a miser. the other parents aren't mind-readers.
a cheerful 'we're going to see 'frozen' and would love to take elainabelle with us if you guys are up to surrendering her to us dutch treat!'
or what you write up there is just fine, so long as it's not delivered in a defensive or aggressive or apologetic tone. be matter-of-fact, and have fun!
khairete
S.