How to Teach My 4 Year Old Son to Stop Hitting His Twin Sister

When my children 5 1/2 and 3 1/2 start to fight (which is rare), I tell them that they won't be allowed to play together at all if they can't play nicely. They love each other so much (they're best friends) that they stop arguing right away, say sorry and hug each other. I don't know if it will work for you, but it works for us. Good luck! :)

I knew a few kids like that and I hate to say this but it stoped when the girls started hitting back.M.

I bet it is a phase. Nonetheless, I would address it every time by patiently explaining that we dont hit in our family. We give hugs and if you feel frustrated, please come talk to mommy. My 2 1/2 yr old is in this phase too! And boy is it rough!!! But everyone tells me it too shall pass. Good Luck!!

Please please PLEASE do not teach your daughter to hit him back. I ran into this problem a lot working in preschools- parents would teach kids to "stick up for themselves" (ie hit), and it never ends well. The children who are taught to hit a child who hits them first very soon escalate to "defending themselves" (hitting) every time someone makes fun of them, takes a toy away, etc. If you teach her to hit him back before you turn around they'll just be beating each other to solve all of their problems, and I'm assuming that you don't want them to learn to react that way. However, you could encourage your daughter to ignore him for a period of time every time he hit's her- it will teach him that hitting not only doesn't get him what he wants, but it also makes him loose his playmate (of course, this won't work if he's hitting her because he wants her to leave me alone). It could be, as someone else mentioned, simply that your daughter's verbal skills are more developed and he can't express his frustrations. While there are some biological reasons this happens, it is made worse by society's attitude towards girls and boys- boys are encouraged to "be tough" and girls are encouraged to be nurturing. Adults talk to girls more and play actively more with boys. Anyway, teaching your son to use expressive language will go a long ways, and look at how you treat your children- are there any differences? How do you react when they get hurt or cry?

I also have to say that I agree with the mother (the one who uses WAY too many commas:) who said that, if your daughter is not in eminant harm you need to let them work things out on their own as much as possible. Maybe if he hits her you simply state "that's not okay," and maybe give a warning for timeout, then walk away (and comfort your daughter if she's hurt, of course). Studies have pretty conclusively found (and it is the general practice of the child development field) that children who are allowed to solve their own dissagreements and problems are more likely to be successful in the future and to come up with creative solutions, and are better at dealing with failure. However, you could do some things to guide him. After you tell him it's not okay to hit his sister, ask him "what do you need to do instead of hitting?" or other questions that make him reflect on what he SHOULD have done. Open questioning like this is a great way to guide kids through conflict resolution without jumping in and telling them what to do.

Hopefully this will help, and teaching him that hitting has consequences is helpful, as well. I would suggest either timeout or short term loss of privledges (anything over a day is not age appropriate). The more immediately he feels the consequences, the more effective.

Hi J.:
I think, that we all wish that years of experience as mothers, would somehow make us experts on child rearing.Unfortunately,with the years,come changes. Children become more intelligent, our society is ever changing, and of course,after years of trying this method and that,parents are discovering,(What) Old family techniques work today, and which of those,have come to be unproductive,or harmful in attempting to raise a healthy,happy,child.Certainly I wasn't the only young person, that observed my parents actions,and would say (under my breath) "When I have my kids, I won't do that! I won't handle it that way.I am a mother,of two grown sons, of whom im very proud, and now two Grandchildren,I adore,and I can honestly say, that after 38 years of mothering,There is still plenty of room to grow,much that can be learned,in child rearing.I can tell you,J.,that if you feel, your sons actions, are a way for him to respond or communicate with his sister, rather than to harm her,and she is not reacting,in a defensive way,that you allow the two of them to work it out,together. If you step in each and every time,they argue or each time, they touch each other,your twins are going to become a permanate fixture in the corner.You need to allow the two of them,to iron out some of their own differences.Yes, there will be times, that you must step in,and, the best way,to (teach) is to communicate,what is acceptable,and whats not.Kids get busy playing, and they forget quickly,so while it can be frustrating at times, you need to try and stay calm, and repeat yourself.You'll sound like a broken record,but this is how they learn.Don't feel you always have to be the referee. Let them learn to communicate,and as twins, become familar with one anothers own personality. The best to you and your darlin kids.

J.,

I have 9 yr old girl/boy twins as well and I had/have this problem still. Though it is my daughter...she is the dominant one. When she hits her twin brother, I give her "ultimate restriction" that is where she cant leave her bed but to use the bathroom or to eat with us. Kids hate being bored, so that is my way of getting to her. If I catch her raising her hand to him, I say "restriction?" she puts her hand down and walks away...frustrated but at least my son isnt getting the brunt of it.

I think the key is to teach you son how to respond when he gets frustrated. Hitting is not the way to respond. There is a book/song "When your angry and you know it..." giving suggestions like beat a drum, walk away, scream into a pillow, etc. when your angry. I know your son is not an angry person, but feeling frustrated is similar and a very normal emotion. This song/book helped my son. Continually reinforcing the right things to do when he feels frustrated will improve his response and change the reflex/habit. Then reward him with praise (or stickers, stars chart...) when he responds appropriately. And, maybe if he goes a whole day with good behavior, give him an extra meaningful privlege. Whatever works for your son.

Similarily, teach your daughter to use her words as well and express to her brother that she doesn't like it when he hits her. Give her the strength to stand up for herself. You can reward her in the same way you reward your son or in any manner that works for her.

J.,
Maybe you need to look at WHY he is hitting???
Is the girl twin more verbal? Does she say things to him that make him angry? Sometimes, when one talks more than the other, they just need space apart...their OWN friends...not to be part of a TWIN, but to be looked at as an individual!
I would continue to be consistent and put the rules in print OR picture. NO HITTING is a rule that will be helpful when they go to school, too!
Also, remember to praise both of them when they are being nice with each other, or doing nice things for others.

W.

Hi J.! I've heard from countless preschool teachers that kids are either hitters or biters. They become frustrated and don't know how else to deal with it. Luckily he hits rather than bites. Is your son less verbal than your daughter? Both of my daughters went through a phase of hitting. We would stop whatever we're/they're doing, ask them to use their words, and tell them that it is not okay to hit people or animals. They can hit pillows or couches or their beds, but not people. Then we talk through what happened. We tell them it's okay to be angry or frustrated or whatever they're feeling, but it's not okay to hit. and we model the behavior. I've never understood parents telling their kids not to hit others as they give them spankings or tell them to hit back. This is not an overnight strategy, but it worked for us. And our younger daughter is incredibly wild and willful, but she doesn't hit anymore. Consistency is the key. And good luck!

Well; I really am not advocating this but my middle daughter had a problem with biting when she would get frustrated. It started around 3-4 years old. She would bite her brother 2 years older or her sister, 2 years younger. I had tried everything. She is also very domineering too, not bully just very confident and gets frustrated easily.

Then 1 day something glorious happened! A little boy in her preschool bit her not once but twice during the day. The school was horrified but he it didn't even break the skin!

I was thrilled because the first words out of her mouth were "I won't bite anyone every again" She suddenly understand the pain it caused and the fear of not knowing when someone is goin to turn on you and do it. She remembers it to the this day and the boy's name. She is 12.

My dad use to tell us if one of you hits your sibling that is giving them a free pass to hit back. Do you really want that to happen.

I don't let my kids hit each other but sometimes if my 15 year old son hits my 12 year old daughter. I let her hit him back! It almost becomes a game and he doesn't like it because she is very strong(she plays water polo, soccer and softball, great arm strength). But he doesn't punch her in the arm again for months after the pay back!

Sorry if this sounds too aggressive but I grew up the eldest of 5 in a 900 square foot home and if we had a problem my paretns sent us outside to work it out and stop yelling and fighting. No coming back in until it was settled and that included no lunch or dinner until the matter was settled. Believe me when you are hungry or bored it works miracles.

To this day my siblings and I are best of friends and live within 15 miles of each other. My brothers say it is too close and we have too much family time together. Oh yes and my sister I fought with the most as a kid, she is the closest person in my life! I couldn't function without her!!!

I do agree you need to address it and maybe you could modify some of this info to work for you!

Good Luck!

S. Chase

Hi J.,
I can only imagine how busy you must be with twins!!!
Wow!! 4 year olds are full of energy and curiosity. The wonderful thing I have found is their connection with others and how they can reason to a point.
It is not a reflex reaction for your son to hit his sister! It is now, unfortunately, a habit. I am a daycare provider and a mom to 7! None twins however but I also taught in a preschool for 25 years, 4 year olds!
I found the boys to be a bit more aggressive than the girls, though there were girls who held their own. Boys develope large motor skills earlier than girls as girls develope fine motor skills. (We talk our way through things)
I suggest (I can only suggest :-), you know your kids best!)
that you talk about using hands for helping. When he hits, he has to go to his room because hitting is not helping. Send him there for only 4-5 minutes, max, then talk to him in front of his sis about the hitting behavior and ask her how she feels about it.
Sibling rivalry could be in play here or he has learned to get what he wants from her by hitting her. (Not good for her either, she now is the "victim"...you do not want that going on!)

Best to you!
You sound like a real connected mommy!
C.

Sounds like maybe a physical response to an emotional event? Usually this peaks at 2 years or so, before they have to words to use in this type of situation. At four, he probably has lots of words that he can use, so you have to make sure that he is using the words AND make sure that his sister is LISTENING!!! You only said that he is hitting his sister (as opposed to all of the other kids around) so there is probably a dynamic between them causing the issue. Watch them carefully for awhile and see if he is talking to her and being ignored or whatever. Then work with both of them on how to respect each other, using words and listening ears and talking to each other. I struggle with this with my kids, 3 years apart, and it gets a little testy when they ignore each other or outright defy each other's words. Good luck!

Some ideas are: Teach him to use his words-It bothers me when you__________. and put both children in Karate, I wouldn't want my daughter unable to defend herself and it will teach your son discipline. Also, remember kids act out more when they are tired or hungry. Stopping play for a nutritious high-protein snack works wonders in my house. Good Luck!
~N.

Our son was a hitter. He was also speech delayed and we believe the hitting was due to frustration from an inability to find the words to express what he was feeling. It takes time, but you must teach your son other ways to deal with the frustration. With our older son, he too used to hit his younger brother. We thought he was just being mean. Turned out he didn't want the younger one in his space and didn't know how else to get him to back off. We talked him to say, "Mommy, Daddy, I need help with Jeremy." That told us to come and pick up the baby and move him away from Gabriel. That one solution reduced the hitting tremendously. It's a slow process, but you must teach your son alternatives to hitting. He may not know the exact words he wants to say, so elicit some conversation where he expresses why he is hitting so you can help him figure out a better way to get the result he is seeking.

I know it feels like a lot of work, but it does work if you are persistent. Our older son is 5-1/2, and he rarely hits anymore.

Good luck!
B.

have you tried smacking his hand when he hits her?? Maybe he will make the connection that hitting hurst and will stop. At 4 he is old enough to understand that hitting is not OK, so discipline is probably your best option before he gets older and things get worse.
Good luck

Hey J., Have you tried her hitting him back? or have you tried any discipline, other than time out and loss of privelehes, i mean how may privileges does a 4 year old have. If you want him to stop, then th discipline has to make him say to himself, I'm not doing that again, thats the purpose of descipline. I learned as a mother of 24years, and being a datcare provider for 11, that kids will pretty much do what ever the can get away with. J. L