My daughter is just finishing the 4th grade and has had issues with one girl through out the year. My daughter does not like to talk about things in general so I have had to piece things together based on what she has told me and what other girls have told me. The most recent event lead to my daughter crying and a group of other girls standing up for her, but I am tired of it.
Now a few background items that may help. My daughter is one of the few children in her grade who is the oldest child in the family. Most of the kids I would say 90% have much older siblings and seem to be way older than the 9 - 10 year old age should be. That being said I also think my husband and I have been too overprotective with her and she is a little bit more immature than she should be. She gets along great with younger kids, but struggles with kids her own age.
We just went on an overnight camp trip with the entire grade and I really noticed her maturity level in this setting. She is also very sensitive and is a very caring and helpful person who has a lot of empathy for other people. She tends to gravitate to those who need a friend or need help. How do I teach her to stand up for herself and not to let other pick on her without taking away the caring side of who she is?
I tried telling her not to talk to this girl and to stay away from her, but that is impossible when they sit together. I also tried to tell her to let the teacher know, but she doesn't want to do that as she is afraid it will only get worse if she gets her in trouble. Out of frustration I told her to to be mean back to her, and my wonderfully sweet daughter said no that is not what we are supposed to do. We are not supposed to be mean to others and we should be nice to everyone.
How can help her? I am tired of her being made to feel awful by this girl, but I don't know what to do at this point. This girl does this to other kids as well, but my daughter can be overly sensitive and starts crying which makes it worse. The other girls just walk away but my daughter keeps trying to be friends with her. Even after all this has happened in the last week, she saw her at church and wanted to go up and say hi to her.
I have been trying to let her figure it out by herself all year and she has not figured it out and it is only getting worse. I am not trying to teach the other child at this point, but I need to teach my daughter that this is not okay and that she does not have to let the other child make her feel worthless. I am looking for help and suggestions on how to teach my child to stand up for herself. Part of the problem is that she is too sensitive and cry's easily so most of the suggestions to take emotion out of it, does not work with her.
Teaching a child to be assertive and not a door mat is hard. I suggest that you talk to the school counselor and ask her/him if they have any suggestions on how you can do this. This should also be a door to telling her what is going on. They may be aware of this child that is a bully but they may also not know. They do need to know.
Tell her, there is a difference between: being nice to others, and being a Door-Mat.
These are 2 very different things.
2) Tell her, that being "nice" is fine... BUT, it takes WISDOM to DISCERN situations. And it takes common sense, to know... if you are just being used and treated like a door-mat, or not.
If you are being a Door-mat, then that is not about being "nice."
Being nice, also means.... standing up for herself, because it teaches others, about boundaries.
Niceness is multi-faceted. It is also about boundaries. You are doing no one any nice favors, by letting them treat you like a door-mat. It teaches them, nothing.
Your daughter is sensitive as you said.
And has empathy.
But, even with professional Social Workers... they HAVE to, discern what is appropriate or not. It is not just about being "nice" to someone. In order to help people, you also have to be able to say NO, or stop... them from trampling all over you.
Your daughter has to learn a sense of what is appropriate or not.
She has to, know herself.
She needs to, be herself and with that, learn to gauge, her efforts to people or not.
You see, being "nice" is either her goal, or her need to feel better about herself. And even if she is nice, not everyone will even appreciate it.
And, keep in mind.... that the person she is "nice" to... they do NOT even have to... return the favor or like it or appreciate it or be her friend.
That is the flip side to it.
A person, cannot MAKE another person, be what they want them to be. Just by being nice to them.
There is the reality, and there is the ideal.
But sure, some say just be nice and the other person will come around and change.
But, you cannot change everyone, just by being "nice."
If anything, all of this is a life lesson for her.
And it takes time to learn.
Or one day, she will use her strengths, toward a useful goal.
Not wasting it on people who are mean.
Your daughter cries about it.
Because, it is not turning out according to her ideals.
But you cannot change people or all people, just by being "nice."
One day as well, she will be someone's Girlfriend. And per boys... certainly the hope is that she is not just a people-pleaser who will do anything "nice" that a boy wants... just to please him.
Hopefully, she will become her own person, and know herself well enough that she will have boundaries for herself.
And then, she will learn to CHOOSE.... if she will waste her efforts on users or know who a real friend, is.
And knowing that... you cannot... change everyone.
She needs to learn, Self-Respect.
There is a time to be nice. And a time to walk away.
And not be a Door-Mat.
And it is something she has to learn. This is only 4th grade.
And you cannot control, if her classmates has older siblings or not or their ages.
You cannot make... someone be your friend. If they don't want to.
And you cannot please everyone. Just by being nice.
Being "nice" is not a tool. It is a quality.
And you cannot make... someone like you, by being nice.
My daughter is 10. Just finished 5th Grade. And is the oldest one in our family. And lots of her classmates has older siblings. But, she chooses, friends. She chooses. And she chooses according to character. Her friends are nice. She stays away from mean kids.
Your daughter, seems to want to please others even if she is being rejected. So then she tries to be nicer to that person hoping that person will like her. Some people, cling more to people who reject them or are not nice to them. And it becomes a vicious cycle.
ETA: Some people, just cannot "let go" of a person even if they are being treated wrongly and being rejected. And they just keep trying to be "nice" to that person.
It becomes dysfunctional. And they keep clinging... to that person.
- Then the other side to being "nice" and empathetic is:
IF your daughter always EXPECTS the other person to like her or to become her friend, whenever she is "nice" to someone else, then, being "nice" is not nice either. Because, she is expecting something... from it.
From the other person.
She cannot expect, that being "nice" is reciprocal.
Being nice means, just being nice.
It does not mean that something has to be done or given to her, in return.
Emotionally.
And being nice... will not "fix" other people nor turn them into what you, want.
You can talk to her teacher privately, your daughter doesn't need to know. Her teacher can let you know what's going on at school, give you advice and keep an eye on your daughter, particularly when it comes to interaction with this girl. Just let the teacher know you want to keep your conversation private and discreet. Teachers and parents do this ALL the time. It's how we keep an eye on what our kids are up to without them knowing, and it's how we help them when they are afraid or embarrassed to ask for help!
The teacher could do things like put your DD in a different group for various projects and help facilitate relationships with other kids away from that girl who is bothering her.
I would also talk to my DD about why she wants to be friends with someone like this girl and what she thinks a friends should be like. I would ask her to list off good friend qualities. I would also ask her to list off the things this girl has done. Kind of a pro/con list.
I would give her words. "Jenny, that was not nice. Please stop."
My DD is the youngest and will likely be one of the youngest kids in her class. The same was true with SD. We are working with DD on using her words and removing herself from a bad situation. Work with your DD on calming techniques. Role play with her so that when she gets picked on or whatever, she knows what she can do. Sometimes it just helps to have a plan.
Remember, too, that middle school is rotten and it may be a bumpy ride.
Your daughter's behavior is not normal for a 4th grade girl. I am speaking from 2 sides. As a Fine Arts Teacher and former school Counselor--I know that 4th grade is when girls usually start to become the women that they will be, persoanlity-wise. Cliques form and talents are developing.
On the personal side, my little great neice as much of your daughter's personality. I lived with her and my neice (her mother) for 2 months and I saw how my great neice was underdeveloped in maturation. Also, I saw that she really needs Special Education services. I could not say that to the family--as they would not take it well.
Find resources that can you clues about her maturation/social development.
I wish you lived in Texas. We could meet up and let our daughters be friends.
I would go to the school and hand them a letter asking the girls NOT be in the same class and why. Give it to the counselor.
I have the same issues with my 5th grader. I hope you get some great advice.
I think you should use her empathy skills. When someone is mean to my GD, I tell her it's because they feel badly about themselves and it makes them feel better to try to make someone else feel bad. So, don't get mad; don't get your feelings hurt; feel sorry for the little girl because apparently she feels bad all the time.
Your daughter is killing her with kindness. It's hard to keep being mean to someone who is always nice to you. I think you should just help your daughter toughen up her skin but don't change the sensitive, sweet person she is. Just give her another perspective.
These are things that kids have to deal with on their own. They learn how to problem solve themselves! It is amazing that if left to their own devices, things do work out. Give her a chance to work it out. Take a backseat.
I suggest you focus on helping her to be less sensitive. Briefly sympathize with her before talking with her about how to ignore the girl's behavior and comments. Praise your daughter for being sensitive and caring while helping her to learn when to be caring and when to protect herself.
Tell her that when someone is mean to her she needs to walk away because she's a very important person, herself. She is worth being taken care of by herself.
She's right, it's not right to be mean back. It is right to walk away because this is the way she's nice to herself. You don't take the emotion out of it. You build in a sense of self worth.
