Teacher Wants My Son to Make Better Friends. Advice on This?

Teaching kids that it is nice to be nice and empathetic is great.
BUT... you also have to teach them, how to DISCERN, how to CHOOSE friends. It is a 'skill' a parent needs to teach a child.

I have always taught my kids that.
They, will know, if a kid is a bad influence or not.
They will not engage with kids like that.

You need to teach a child, how to "discern" other kids/people.

Hold on a minute: The behavior the teacher is describing is that your son, could be performing at a higher level and chooses not to. It is her opinion that he is "dumbing himself down" to be cool.
I get that the teacher is way out of line saying that any kids are no good.

Wouldn't the solution be to talk to your son about doing his best, while remaining kind to the other children? NOT to stop talking to the other kdis but to step up and do the work he is capable of.

I hope this is making sense.

I think the safest way to point this out would be in the moment. For example, when/if he tells you about what someone at school did, acting out or otherwise, it would be a great opportunity to discuss Right and Wrong Choices. We don't have to say that that child is bad, but helping our kids to reflect on right and wrong, and to notice patterns when their friends are hurtful or exhibiting less-than-desirable behaviors, can be a very neutral way to address this. "What could so-and-so do next time? What do you think YOU might do?"

It's not kindness that we are teaching here, it's discretion. I can be kind to the obnoxious neighbor who has bad boundaries, but choose not to invite them to my house. Your son will have to learn kindness, certainly, as well as making safe and healthy choices for friends. This is a good goal for now, and he'll need a lot of help and coaching.

Good wishes,
H.

My suggestion is to: STICK TO YOUR PERSONAL MORALS. If you have been teaching your son empathy and compassion his whole life, then there is no reason to stop now. These are YOUR personal values. Don't let this ignorant, unprofessional teacher destroy them. In my opinion, you have more to teach her than she has to teach you.

So, mamas below who advocate for "discerning".....are we really saying that CHILDREN that come from hard backgrounds and situations don't deserve to develop friendships too??? Shame on you.

I always taught my older daughter work on being an individual and to not make decisions based on the thoughts of others. She is such a strong woman today. We moved every two years in her childhood and in and out of some bad to medium neighborhoods.

Although it seems strange, take heed to what they tell you. They work with these kids everyday and it seems they share this in your child's best interest.

He can still treat everyone the same.

I'm a teacher of nearly 20 years and this appalls me. How dare the teacher do this! Perhaps by having your son as a friend, these children can find a different (better?) path for their future.

I say, vehemently, that you should encourage your son to return to your original idea: treat everyone the same. If your son is as bright as you and his teachers claim, he'll recognize a bad path when he sees one and likely stay off it. He may be hurt, in the long run, when he learns he can't "save" everyone but at least he'll know how to be a good friend, with limits.

Last, I would do two more things. One tell your teacher how uncomfortable you found this conference, how flabbergasted you were that he/she would so label students. Let him/her know that you disagree with the teacher's advice, that your son will continue to be a friend to all and if there is even a WHISPER of your son being negatively labeled, you'll be talking to the principal for a class change or a variance to a new school. Then, tell the school principal. Let the principal know everything you heard at the conference and said to the teacher and reiterate the expectation of a new class or a variance should your son be negatively labeled for befriending the underprivileged kids in his class. Principals can't fix these kinds of attitudes if they don't know teachers have them, let alone actually say them out loud to parents.

Good luck.

You can teach your son to be polite and kind to everyone, but that doesn't mean he has to be "friends" or hang out with everyone........He does need to learn who is going to be a good influence and who is going to be a bad influence and he does need to learn that while it is a good gesture to be nice to some people, they aren't necessarily "friend" material.....I was always polite to my peers and classmates and often talked to many of them, but knew who I needed to hang with and confide in.....There is a difference and it is important to make sure he knows that if he has to change for people to like him, THAT'S WRONG! He needs to know that REAL friends will accept him for who he is: grades, likes, dislikes, hair style, clothes, etc.....It is also a good time to talk about good decisions/bad decisions and why it is a good thing to stay away from those that make bad decisions and are toxic people.....Time for the truth......Some people are not worth hanging out with or embracing because they will only bring you down....doesn't mean you can't be nice and say hello or pick up a book for them if they drop it or whatever, but it does mean to STAY FAR AWAY from the toxic ones when it comes to hanging out and having friends.....JMO.....Hope it helps shed some light......:)

My question would be what kind of teacher labels kids as no good rather than trying to help them over come their home lives? I would have serious concerns about that teacher!

Kids will interact with a lot of people. It's hard if there are kids that you don't like. I would ask the teacher, well, if you tell my son not to befriend other children, what do you expect him to do? I would probably be reserved, too. Is he trying to be "cool" or is he trying to figure out what to do about kids he would like to get to know? Social interactions are hairy enough without mixed messages.

From time to time my stepkids have had friends we didn't necessarily like at first glance, but we allowed them to be invited our home. We figured that if we got to know the kids, we could judge them better. Are they bad kids or are they kids that are just a little rough? My stepson had a friend who who wasn't a rotten kid, but his parents didn't watch what he played, read, listened to or watched...when we laid out that we didn't allow those things, he actually shaped up in our home. There are times when you have to say, "Hey, that kid can't come over anymore" but that was rare.

I've seen this as a teacher in my classroom many times. Instead of encouraging your child to make different friends (I completely agree with how you've been raising him so far), teach him how to be himself while remaining friends with these children. Your son should learn that he doesn't need to change who he is or act "dumber" because of other students. He is an amazing person just the way he is.

Uh..I think you had it right originally. I would NEVER tell my child to stop talking to anyone. We might discuss their choices but I would NEVER do that to any other kid.

How old is your son? That makes a difference.

I think you should get more specific info from his teachers, because I tend to agree with Stephanie, below.

I don't have advice for you but I have a story to share. We moved to this area last year and my son who was in Kindergarten made friends with some other boys in his class. He was very excited to have a playdate with one boy and I mentioned this to the teacher. She said to stay away from this boy bc he is trouble. She said he has older brothers who teach him things and we should not expose our son to this family. Well...I let my son have the playdate and we invited this boy over. It turns out it was his first playdate he ever had in his life! He was very well behaved (although very energetic, which my son is too). Since then we have had quite a few playdates with him and we have gotten to know his parents. They are really good people. Yes, this boy has much older brothers, but no he does not seem corrupt or anything. I think it is sad when teachers label other kids. I wonder if she talked other families from letting this boy have a playdate?

+The teachers must really care about your child to say this thing to you and your child. For that, be grateful.

We too try to befriend those in need and those who are shunned. Over the years we have met 2 girls who were molested and act out towards others(k and 3rd grade). It makes me stop and rethink my whole philosophy as my duty is to my child first and above all others.

My child would tell if I told her to not talk or play. I have kids over 1 on 1 and make it super fun for about 2 hours. Then after a few times, they will hopefully see her as fun and play with her at school. Maybe you could do this.

My brother was like this in school, always befriending the ones who were not so popular and misfits. He also had great manners, but very little self worth. He hung out with these kids, because it made him feel better because he was then considered the coolest of his "group". They all looked up to him. Well, he ended up going down the wrong path and got into some trouble (still with very good manners mind you) with these kids.

I would really talk to your son and see why he befriends these kids. There is nothing at all wrong with being nice and talking to these kids, but that is a whole different story than being friends with them. He will be labeled as long as he is hanging out with those kids. Remember the old saying..."birds of a feather flock together"? It's true!

Very good question Jenae. Not one with an easy answer.

My son, now 18, is Autistic and had the very same problem in school. We had taught him to befriend others regardless of their background, color, religion, etc. We found that he was easily swayed in the wrong direction because of his Autism. It's also as easy for a 'normal' child to go the wrong direction also. Once they hit school age it's difficult to choose all their friends for them. You have control over who they see or communicate with after school hours, not during.

What we did was discuss each situation as it arose. We used it as a learning experience for our son. We'd discuss what was done, why it was wrong or right, what could have been done different, etc. Another way we taught him was by using TV programs as an example. We'd watch shows like Arthur and discuss whatever the theme of the show was for that day. By using imaginary situations we weren't singling out indivduals yet teaching him to recognize the charateristics or actions of others and what made them right or wrong.

My fear, which proved to be right, was that if I banned him from playing with certain people he would seek them out just because I had said no. A typical child's reaction. Stress the actions, good or bad, not the child and your child will learn early how to be selective with his friends.

I hope this has been helpful.

Blessings,
W.