She stole her colleague book, (this girl has been given her a hard time for yrs now). She looked me in the eyes and lied to me about stealing that book and made a whole story to cover it. I bursted at her and told her that I'm ashamed of her and that after she comes back from school , she will face harsh consequences. I'm frustrated and angry and depressed and I don't know what to do? She is the eldest and has a 5yrs and 2yrs old sisters.
Hello everyone, first of all, I would like to thank you all for you help.
The reason I joined this site is to have someone to talk to and share my problems without being judged, and when we share our experiences , we all benefit.
My English is not as good as many of you, but I'm trying and getting better at it.
I have talked to my daughter, and apologied for telling her that I'm ashamed of her, and told her that when we make mistakes we have to apologise and think of the reasons behind it.
My daughter opened up and admitted that she did it just to make her feel bad, I explained that it was not the right way to express her feelings. We agreed that she would call the girl whom she took the book from and her parents, and she apologied, She will give the book back along with an apology note.
She is grounded for a week and lost her TV privileges for a week for breaking my trust. I also told her that she can gain back the trust.
I have to admit that it went better than I expected.
Also, I have to admit that I was very worried and concerned about where I went wrong in raising her up, but when some of you shared that it happened before and that sometimes it's just an incident. It made me calm down and think it through.
Thank you all again.
While I somewhat agree with the responses. Yelling rarely works.
I think people need to lay off her English. Sometimes we use words we find in a translation app to help us with words we might not know. So what she called a classmate a colleague. We all got what she was saying. respond to the question/issue. Don't shame a parent for reaching out asking for help and using a word incorrectly. Sheesh!
Colleague? Seriously? You are ashamed, frustrated, angry and depressed? Wow. This isn't about you, its about your daughter.
First, not a colleague. She is a classmate. Second, do you even know she was lying? Third, harsh consequences? Wow she's going to want to come home today.
Talk to your daughter. Don't scream, yell or carry on. Ask her why she lied. Ask this in a casual talking way. Tell her you love her and want to understand what is going on with her. And the LISTEN. Also, get control of yourself. This isn't about you. You need to help your daughter.
Look, I have been there. My daughter stole gum. I marched her right back into Kroger and told her to give it back and tell the Manager what she had done. She never did that again.
I think you should look at your own reaction: ashamed, frustrated, angry, depressed. Is that warranted here? Your daughter did this, not you. It's up to you to be strong, focused and direct. The problem here is not that you have been shamed by her, but that she has done something wrong.
How the other girl treats your daughter is irrelevant. Your daughter doesn't have to hang out with her, but she doesn't get to "pay her back" (if that's what it was) by stealing.
She needs to return the book, in person. She should apologize, but she should also have to sit down ahead of time and write an apology letter. That should include a statement that what she did was wrong and hurtful to the other girl, not just a "Sorry I got caught" sort of message. "I'm sorry" is an empty statement if it doesn't come with real insight. Having to apologize and face the other girl (and her parents) is a pretty strong motivator not to do this again. Do NOT do the talking for her, do not say "She's sorry" or "I'm sorry" and do not say that YOU are embarrassed. Let this all sit on your daughter's shoulders.
The less yelling and "bursting" you do here, the more effective you will be. Stealing is something that most every kid does at least once, so the thing to do is prevent it from recurring by making the consequences far more embarrassing or painful than the pleasure from the theft. But it has to fit the "crime." Taking away TV for a full month, for example, is probably way over the top. But taking it away for a week, or whatever other luxury your daughter enjoys, is effective. In her spare time today with no play date or TV or whatever, she can write a letter to the girl. Tomorrow, she can write you a paragraph on her thoughts about stealing, and the next day she can write a little essay on her thoughts about lying. That can include why she thinks it's wrong, and what she thinks would be an appropriate consequence. It would be very interesting for you to learn her thoughts here, to see what insight she has gained, and to see how serious she thinks this is.
If you position yourself as the authority figure here, as her teacher of behavior and manners and right-thinking, rather than the victim (someone who is depressed or ashamed), then you will both come out of this much better.
My son was a little younger than your daughter when he stole something from a hardware store - nothing valuable, just some pegs he thought were cool. He also lied about them the first time I saw them and said he didn't know where they came from. It wasn't until the next trip to the store that I saw the bin of pegs and put it all together. I called the store manager and told them what happened, said I was on my way down with my son, and asked that they say anything they wanted to except, "It's okay, little boy. No harm done." They handled it great, and my son was pretty nervous in the car all the way down and also when he got up to the counter. All I said was, "Tell the manager what you came here to say." Then I let them handle it. It never happened again.
She is nine years old, lady.. first off, it's a classmate , not a colleague( she ain't old enough to have one of those yet) .. second, get a grip of the entire situation before you jump off that cliff.
A consequence for stealing should be to return it and apologize.. plain and simple. She is 9. So doing this- the embarrassment alone is consequence enough..
It seems to me she knew how irate you would get, so lying seems the easier.
Given your reaction, I can understand why she lied. She was trying to avoid your explosive over-reaction.
I suggest that you look at your own parenting style and what you might change so that you are the kind of parent that your child can trust to help her when she makes a mistake. Because you have a choice to make right now - severe consequences that make her even more afraid to tell you that she's made a mistake next time, or teaching her that we all make mistakes and when we make one, first we figure out how to make up for what we did (in this case, what can she do to make it up to the other child, and what can she do to regain your trust after lying to you, because she made 2 mistakes here) and then to learn from those mistakes and not repeat them.
You can provide a great example of this right now, because you can apologize to HER for your mistake, which was to over-react to the situation when it happened and you are going to try to figure out how to not make that mistake again.
I would drive her to the girls house and make her return it in person and apologize. I would be very calm about it...no yelling and shaming her. She will be extremely embarrassed. Have a calm talk about being a person with integrity and honor and how it is wrong to steal on the drive home. She will remember the embarrassment for a long time and will think twice before stealing again.
Please tell your daughter that you are not ashamed of her, but that you are disappointed in her behavior. Make your feelings and words about what she DID, not who she is. Tell her that people who steal can't be trusted. Then help her understand that at age 9, she has certain privileges that her little sisters don't have. She's old enough to ride her bike to a friend's house, for example. Think of other things that she does that her little sisters don't do (sleep over at a friend's, or take dance lessons, or stay up later, or use an iPad or computer, or whatever situation applies to her). Then tell her that she can do these things because she's earned the privilege.
Then explain that now, because she stole and lied, some trust has been broken. She'll lose some privileges and some freedom. For example, if she was going to a friend's house on Saturday, you'll have to cancel that because she has proved that she isn't truthful. She can't have computer time except when you're watching.
And give her the chance to earn the trust back. Explain to her that she'll have to prove that she can be trusted, that she understands that stealing and lying are wrong.
And of course, she'll have to return the book and write an apology. If it was a school text book, she'll have to apologize for the teacher too, because of course, it was school property. If it was the girl's personal book, that wouldn't apply.
But don't explode in anger, don't be frustrated and depressed. What she did was normal, but it wasn't acceptable. Don't feel ashamed of HER. Love her and teach her and help her grow into a good person.
I don't think you should be reflecting your frustration, anger and depression onto your kids.
If you're really feeling that bad - please see a doctor about it and get some help.
As for your 9 yr old, go with her to take the book back, have her say she is sorry, and take her tv watching privileges away for a few days.
She broke your trust - but she has to have a way to get back into your good graces.
Please find out the reason why she took the book. Show empathy and a way she can open up to you!
It seems she is frustrated and might have taken the book but did not think it through. Let her know that you are her safe place to go when she has trouble.
Please isolate your disappointment you feel and give both of you room to grow close with this situation.
How sure are you that she is lying? Did she really do it? Was the book in her possession? Is it possible someone put it there to get her in trouble? Where was she, what was she doing when the book was taken? What about while it was missing? Was she sitting there with it in her hands? In her desk? In her backpack? What actually happened? You didn't ask to find out anything, you accused and attacked.
I have faced this sort of situation before and jumped all over one of the kids then found out later on that the kid that swore they saw my kiddo do something was actually the kid that did the deed. That my kiddo had zero to do with it.
I would investigate further and then if she's found to have been telling the truth you need to apologize in a big way making sure she knows that you jumped the gun by not listening to her when she said she didn't do it.
Then if she actually did it you need to talk to her, ask her why she wanted that book. If she just wanted to read it or something you can let her know that she should have asked you to get it for her, not taken someone else's property.
Did she say she wanted that book then the other kid took it so she couldn't have it? Did they do this to be mean to her? What skills have you taught her to deal with this sort of thing? Did she tell her teacher that something happened? What did the teacher do?
There are MANY things that might have happened but it truly doesn't look like you were prepared to listen to your child to find out what they think happened and to find out if there were extenuating circumstances IF she did indeed even take the book.
