Hi all, our 13 y.o. son is incredibly loving with his dad and me, and with our pets and extended family. And with a couple of his friends. But everyone else - watch out. He has a sharp tongue and uses it often. He brings kids AND adults to tears, so much so that he was kicked out of his school this year. He thinks it's okay to be mean "because they were mean first." (If an adult won't let him do what he wants, or requires him to do what he doesn't want to do, then that adult is MEAN.) His disrespect for adults in authority (except for us) is intense - yelling, threatening, talking back, etc. Just outright defiance. But again, only when he is unhappy with them. Otherwise he is pleasant.
I posted about this a couple years, too. My husband and I have tried therapy, consequences, discussions, lectures, and programs for adopted kids like Beyond Consequences and for other kids like Love and Logic. Our son is capable of empathy with us, as his family, but not with kids or adults he dislikes.
We love our son and see all the great things in him, but we are sad about the hatred and meanness he has stewing inside of him. We want others to appreciate him for his gifts like we do.
Any suggestions, Mamas?
P.S. He is still in therapy, but it doesn't seem to be helping. And yes, in reference to a question below, his behavior is good with us but not with others. We know this because his behavior with us when we first adopted him was very bad - mean, spiteful, disrespectful - and we somehow broke past a huge barrier and he loves, trusts, and respects us.
I agree with finding a new therapist. He is holding in anger. It is like an onion with a rotten core. You need to peel back layer by layer to see what is the matter. It is a long process. I hope he can be helped before he is an adult. Have you tried anger management classes also?
They say when people are hateful towards others, they really don't like themselves. The anger towards others really might be a reflection of how he looks at himself. How to fix that? Wish I had the answer. This may be one of those long roads and I wish you all the best. It's a sad situation b/c he must be unhappy deep inside (not due to any fault of yours!).
As far as therapy, I think it can take a long time and SEVERAL tries to get the right therapist. I say keep trying.
I'm no expert. What about doing charity work together? Working w/ special needs kids, volunteering at ANY type of charity. Churches are a great place to find opportunities as many of them support local charities. Even if you aren't a member or don't go to church, a local church may lead you in the right direction.
Maybe doing good deeds for those less fortunate will give him a new perspective on life and possibly a new perspective on the good in his heart. He may learn to love himself a bit more in the process.
They say when you give, you get back sooo much more in return.
Worth a try?!
I would suggest getting him involved in a community charity organization. Some volunteerism with the less fortunate may be just what your son needs. It's something that you can all do together as a family. A little altruism can go a long way.
Your son is probably carrying some baggage from his early life experiences. He needs to learn to trust others outside of the family who deserve his trust before he can respect them. Keep up the counseling, and talk with him frequently about trusting people he gets to know. For the most part, people are generally good, in my opinion. I think your son is just putting up a wall to protect himself from getting hurt, and that is understandable. What a remarkable job you have done with him concerning family issues! Don't give up on him! There will always be people who don't understand his situation, and who will be judgemental. I know as ateacher, I like for parents to tell me about special situations like yours, because it helps me to bond with the child, and to go the extra mile to help! Good luck!
K.
Aww, he has inner pain.
I'd try a new counselor, someone that CAN reach him.
Have you had him checked out by a psychiatrist? I ask because I have a cousin who is a paranoid schizophrenic, and I do not mean to scare you with this, but my cousin's behavior at that age was very similar. I am not saying that's what your son has, but your son's condition and behavior may not be under his direct control if he has a medical issue. And, of course, many problems (such as my cousin's) can be managed with medication. For my cousin, therapy, consequences, etc did not help, and as an older teen he ended up "self-medicating" with drugs because nobody really understood what his problem was (my aunt was in denial, I think). Apparently "self-medicating" is a very common occurrence for kids with an emerging mental illness. My cousin has always been very loving with his immediate family, but totally unpredictable with "outsiders." He has been that way for as long as I can remember (we grew up together). Anyway, just my thoughts.
I would try a new therapist. He needs someone to really reach him, and it doesn't sound like the current person is able to do that. Therapy is kind of like dating, you really do need to find "the one."
I was that way when I was younger because of my parents divorce, get him a good councilor, a nice night out with the family to show you love him and that others do as well, and communication.
Uhg I said counseling I am turning into a MMP member... AHHHH. ok not that bad I love you ladies!
are you sure he's not the same with you and you J. havent learned him enough to avoid sittuations that would cause something to go wrong? Ive never heard of a sittuation where a kid can control themself with parents and not others
I hope you find the advice you need=)
i only have a 5 year old so i wouldnt be any help
i'm going to say that it looks like he does have control - when he wants to, so there are issues that are causing him to willingly display the anger and disrespect. that said, you/he need to figure out where this anger is based. there has to be a cause. i've learned the hard way that not all therapy is effective. I would strongly suggest trying another counselor that can figure this out.
I agree he's carrying some baggage from the past and he's going to need a lot of therapy. There is still parts of his brain still developing .
I'm not sure how old you are, I'm just giving this example; I'm 38, and there are things I did and thought in my late teens that as a 38 year old woman I don't think anymore. I can also see changes in my own life from my teens to my 20's to my 30's. I think my 30's have been really been amazing to look back on my life and some of my decisions I made and say "why did I do that"; no way, would I have made that same decision today...
My point is, it would be great to have a quick fix and he would just change, but I think you need to be rational, and I'm not saying you aren't, but look at how far he has already came. Continue to give his support and trust in you, this isn't a quick fix. I can't explain why some people have an easy life and others have to work so hard just for the little things in life. Just continue the therapy and love...
I know this has to be very HARD on you and him.
Hugs going out!!!
You have tried therapy, so that means he's no longer in therapy? If he got kicked out of his school, I would say he definitely needs to be in therapy. If the therapist didn't work, try a different one until you find someone who can help.
I have the opposite problem in that my daughter is a delight at school, on play dates, at softball etc...but a terror at home.
adopted older kids tend to believe that they would have been better off with their birth parents, no matter how horrible they might have been. the best thing to do is to do some digging and find out where their birth parents are now,and what they are doing. is the mother in rehab..again, is the father unknown ?? do some digging and then let older teen see just where they would actually be if they were still with their birth parents. typically, their "fantasy life" and the actual truth are two completely different things.
K. h.
Does he have any older cousins who could spend some extra time with him doing enjoyable things? If not, he might benefit from being mentored in a Big Brothers Big Sisters program. It might be a good step in order for him to see that authority figures can be very pleasant and inspirational to be around.
You need to teach him that if he is going to behave that way twords other people then there will be consequences at home. Take away his xbox tv whatever it is he enjoys or if you have to take everything away and give each item back to him as he earns it-by treating others the way he treats his family. Maybe there are signs that you arent seeing. He may even need medication to treat severe psychological issues that he developed before you adopted him. I would try getting a second opinion from another psychologist as well.
