How to Handle Horrible in Laws?

I’m reading this as I’m sitting across the school gym waiting for my daughter’s program to start. My MIL is sitting in the other side of the gym, even though there is an empty seat next to me. My husband is working, so she will not sit by me. I didn’t even know she was coming. I wish I could say it would get better, and it has somewhat, but I don’t think it will ever be good. I just go with the flow, try to keep my mouth shut, and avoid conflict. Good luck.

I suggest you let your husband continue his relationship with his parents, and you stay home, or spend time with your own family or friends while he visits them.

You've done the right thing by going to therapy and solidifying your own relationship with each other. So I think you should be heartened by that. You've set boundaries together, and you are taking some baby steps. That's smart. They're not screaming or making demands. That progress! If the in-laws overstep their bounds, your husband (not you) should tell them to back off. So take heart that you have made progress here!

Maybe they hate you, maybe they don't. Maybe they are totally useless at relationships and will never be able to more than they are doing now - BUT there has been a definite reduction in hostilities so that is terrific. Getting a comment about the weather is a VICTORY - try to see it that way! It's innocuous, it's not confrontational, it's not controversial! They aren't criticizing you or picking a fight! Keep working with your therapist until you can see this as a positive step.

The problem is that you are "starting to get resentful" - so you are changing now, and developing a new kind of animus that's not based on their prior offenses but based on - what? - some frustration that they aren't even better? Maybe you can get to the point of treating them as people with a disability - a social disability - who cannot do better than they are doing. If your husband wants to hope for more, as if somehow middle-aged people are going to change their personalities more than this, that's something he should work on in therapy as well. The more he hopes for pie in the sky and the more you are resentful and not wanting to fake the small talk, the great division there will be in your marriage. That's the exact opposite of what you've worked on for 3 years! So, you make small talk all day long with everyone else, right? We all do. We chat with the checkout cashier and the boss and the person in the other work department we don't really like, but we do it for harmony in a situation that is tough to avoid. It's not substantive, but it's harmless, and it really doesn't take all that much out of our day.

Your only other option is to never see them - and I think that builds up more stress in trying to avoid them and make excuses. If your husband wants to see them on his own, great. But have him visit for "no reason" and not just on major holidays or birthdays where he has to make up some reason why you're not there. I don't know how close they live, but if they're nearby and he sees them once a month and you see them every 2-3 months, is that doable?

I think your couples therapy isn't done if you are still not on the same page, and if he is wishing for major changes and you are seeing increasing resentment and a desire to pretty much break off contact. There's no right answer here - but if you two aren't together on it, then it's the wrong choice.

Good luck.

Well my mil hated me. I didn't take it personally because she hated her other DIL and SIL too. But she was my hubby's mom and was wonderful with my kids so he use to visit them and take the kids along. I stayed home.

So my advice is to stop wasting your time with these people. Let your hubby visit with them and the kids on his own and you go to things that bring you joy. They won't miss you not a single bit and you won't miss them either.

If you went to therapy due to HIS parents - you have some pretty big issues. I personally cannot imagine a situation where someone's in-law's actually caused 3 years of therapy. I'd start by putting the blame where it belongs.

My in-laws are pretty rough to be around and so are hubby's sibs. We have an arrangement. I visit his parents about every 4th trip he makes to see them. I host his family 1 holiday a year. I only attend 1 or 2 holidays thrown by his family a year. I never call his family - if there are arrangements to make, hubby makes them. I never, ever interfere with his visiting his family and in fact, encourage him to call and visit as often as possible. If MIL says something negative to me when she is here, I simply smile and walk away. She used to run to tattle on me to hubby when I did this but hubby now just says to her "Susie must not have appreciated the comment you made - did you have something you wanted to discuss because I'm standing right here and I am happy to discuss whatever you want."

My husband isn't really disappointed (maybe a little that we aren't all living like the Waltons with his family) because I never interfere with his family and I never trash talk them no matter what. I talk to him about how I feel, but not in a shaming way about his family. His mom and dad won't be around forever, and I can't imagine making my husband feel like he was restricted in any way with his relationship with his family on my account.

Draw boundaries, formulate a plan, and don't blame everything on the in-laws. Remember, it takes two to tango.

I can relate to some of this.

So did you take a break for a while and now they are back on a limited basis?

My suggestion would be to not be as involved as your husband.

My husband comes from a family where the 'normal' is to be argumentative and highly critical. I can't stand it so the kids and I leave the room, and that's our cue that it's time to leave. It gets so unpleasant that it's just toxic.

We don't visit as often (kids and I) and that was my husband's suggestion. We only do when it's that important to him. So maybe once every 3 visits or so.

If they visit here, I'm not expected to entertain them. I chat and get the coffee and the snacks, and I look after my kids. We keep visits super short.

We went to counseling too - not three years - maybe three sessions. Boundaries big time, but you need your own personal ones. Leave them to him - you don't handle his family.

It just breaks my heart when I read posts like this. I have had awesome in-laws! My FIL is now deceased, but my MIL is wonderful! She's having health issues now. She's sad because she misses her husband.

My suggestion is that you tell your husband how you feel. Ask for his support and for him to recognize and say something when they are rude to you. You need to give him a chance to fix it. Yes, you've been married 11 years, but your husband IS TRYING. He can't force his parents to, however, he CAN bring it to their attention when they do it.

Is your husband an ONLY CHILD? Typically that happens with ONLY children. The parents are possessive and no-one is good enough for their baby.

Your other option is to NOT go to your ILs house. Just send your husband and kids, wish them a good time and while they are gone? Go take care of you! Get a manicure and pedicure. Relax. Chill. Take care of you.

If you and Hubby cut them off once - you can do it again.
In therapy - you and Hubby discuss what - if any - benefits there are for having them in your lives.
And discuss the drawbacks too.
If the drawbacks out weigh the benefits - then cut the toxic relatives out of your lives.
Life is too short to be wasting time, energy and emotion on toxic people.
Cut them off and then you just move forward and not think about them anymore.

Some insightful comments, Diane B. Just note, that a complete estrangement is likely to be more stressful for your husband. I think things are about as good as they can be, the parents aren't going to change, and a pleasant and respectful relationship makes sense.

I like what Diane B said but here's what I would do
-limit the time I spent with them
-wouldn't take their silence, comments or digs to heart
-know that after 11 years it most likely will never change but you can change
your thoughts in regards to their actions. I mean I wouldn't take it to heart, I
would give myself self talk like "it's them, not me", "don't take it to heart".
-I would ignore them a bit just to preserve my sanity
-let your husband go without you if you can'
-don't hold it against your husband
-try not to resent them as this only hurts your mind frame. Tell yourself "people
are different & there's no use trying to figure them out or changing their
opinion of you". Try to let it go.
-Don't make small talk. Just say hello when you get there & goodbye when you
leave.
-pick & choose when you will be around them (ex. major holidays only)
-stay the way you are meaning if you're a nice person, stay nice. Don't let their treatment of you change you.
-so limit time spent with them, be kind but overly so, be gracious by saying hello and goodbye. Don't worry about talking to them all the time.
-keep it simple

I'm surprised you're even asking this if you've been through therapy....
We all have family that we don't get along with or that we'd rather not see.
There's no magic formula here. Limit your time with them, be polite, and don't start a fight.
If they are rude, don't reply and remove yourself from the situation.
If you don't live with them, what more can you do? Just resign yourself to the fact that they are difficult people and have your husband see them without you whenever possible.

Your details are a little vague, but if they have been awful to you from the beginning I would not waste my energy on them.
I have basically cut my family out of my life for different reasons. My mom is not a mean person, but she is emotionally and mentally draining and the whole house is very dysfunctional. After going to therapy myself for months, I realized that I do not owe anyone my time or a place in my life if they are not positive.
I don't know if you have kids or their ages, but definitely do not allow them to see this dynamic. If they are willing to try and be kind to you and accept you after ELEVEN years, then tell your husband he can see them separately. It is up to YOU to cut toxic people out of your life. It doesn't mean you have to be unkind, just kind to yourself.

maybe your husband can have a (limited) relationship with them.

the improvements are good. when you do have to see them, hi bye and weather are a good place to leave it.

you're in therapy, you've set the healthy boundaries, so why now are you feeling more and more resentful and as if you can't take it?

don't share time or family with them. your husband can see them from time to time if he wants, but if y'all don't like each other, why not just roll with it and don't see each other at all?
khairete
S.

Sounds like you're hurt and angry because they don't like you when really it shouldn't matter. What is important is your relationship with your husband and children.

I'm thinking you have friends and activities. I hope you have other people in your life that love you. Focus on making yourself happy without depending on your inlays for happiness. Accept that they are this way and won't change. You can change by finding a way to not let them inhabit your thoughts. You're giving them power to make your life miserable.