My Toxic Inlaws

This is triangulation. Your parents should have stood up to your in-laws for saying those things, instead of telling you. If your dad disagreed with them, he should speak up and call them on their inappropriate behavior. Telling you does nothing to solve the problem because... You are not the problem!

I've had toxic people in my life and thought that if I was nice and tried harder, they would change and treat me better. My experience is that it made the situation worse because they saw me as a willing victim and felt empowered by my response.

It's not Ok to be treated this way, even (especially!) by family. It's OK to set your boundaries and say that you will not spend time with people who are unkind to you. You get to choose what kind of behavior you will tolerate in others. They get to choose whether they will treat you well or not see you.

I agree with oneanddone. Your Dad should have kept it to himself - he just caused more grief. And your parents need to put the in-laws in their place when it happens. Go ahead and give them permission, as they may have felt uncomfortable "causing a scene" in your home.

Let your husband know that you have given your parents "permission" to deal directly with his parents' bad behavior if it happens. If everyone is on the same page, you can nip it in the bud when it happens, and maybe they'll leave.

Hubby needs to lay down the law with his parents. If he can't do that, that's a whole different issue.

Personally I think your father should have kept his mouth shut. There is nothing you can do about it and by telling you he has just added stress and anger to your day! That is literally all he accomplished! Shame on him!

Look, if they cannot respect you, their sons wife, and mother of his children, and your home AND your parents, they shouldnt be welcome in your home ever, not just when your parents are there.
You and your husband need to have a talk with them, because You, your husband and your kids are a package deal and its all or nothing. The ball should be in their court then to act like a family, not children.

I would tell your dad that he needs to defend you to the ILs or better, just walk away, and not repeat what horrible things they said about you to you if you can't do anything about it.

Your parents also need to be adults. If the ILs try to get into it, then they need to say, "We will not discuss this. This is not the time or the place. We need to focus on our grandchild."

"Never" is a long time. There will be lots of times when both grands need or should be there and all of them need to figure it out. I go to events with my DH's ex in the room and we just politely (for the most part) ignore each other. She sits where she wants and I sit where I want and we just support the kid.

I think that you and your DH can say to all parties, separately, "This is your grandson's birthday. If you feel that you can't be civil to his family and put all differences aside to celebrate his big day, then please don't come to the party." Or something. And remind your parents that they need to just walk away and not get into it with the ILs. If the ILs have no audience, then they'll just be muttering to themselves.

Once I overheard my friend's MIL tell the child (about 18 mo. old) something about how her mother wasn't raising her right. I was appalled but I did not bring it to my friend's attention. It wasn't directed at me and as rotten as I think it was for MIL to say, the kid was too little to understand. I'm sure friend knows what MIL thinks of her.

I don't think it is a good idea to break your parents trust by telling your in-laws that you know about the secret conversation...but you can do a lot w/o speaking directly about that convo...

Your husband needs to do more to combat this. HE needs to stand up to his parents and protect you from them. If they don't accept you, then they can just be civil to you and your parents and honest with your husband. He will have to be their sounding board. And he needs to thell them, exactly that. That those are the conditions and if they cannot abide by them, then they will not be on your social calendar.

That being said, no family is perfect. You have to find a happy medium, and I think it will take a lifetime to actually feel you've found it. Alienating yourselves from them is not realistic. Nearly every time I leave my mom's company, I scream outloud for at least a minute. She is so energy draining - so self centered, so friggin infuriating sometimes. But she is my mom - and for however much longer I have her, I have to try.

This is so horrible and I definitely feel for you. I agree with the other post too. Your father should have told them to shut it at the time and let that be that. However, now everyone knows about your in-laws bad behavior and everything is worse. I would also confide more in friends than family about how horrible this is.

I would still have them over though and try one more time to mend the relationship. Treat them with a formal kind and politeness. Also, your husband should make clear that there will be no more badmouthing of you to your parents or kids. If it happens again then let there be consequences (I don't know if you have already tried this route). As long as there has been no bad behavior with the kids then I would keep trying.

Good luck and I hope your son has a great birthday!!!

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My inlaws bashed me to my dad who came over and told me every word.
It was the night before the wedding so obviously my MIL was trying to get us not to marry. You are married with kids so what was the goal? Did they really think they could turn your parents against you? I know you and your dad said you would keep it a promise, but I would not. I would tell your inlaws your parents told you everything. Then I would tell your parents not to take their phonecalls or visit with them. They can be polite if you get together, but no outside relationship since his parents violated you.

First - sorry you're in this situation. It sucks. I was in something similar about two years ago.

In my opinion, I think your dad made a mistake telling you this. I'm sure it was weighing heavily upon him as your child's birthday is approaching and he didn't know how to "act". However, it did nothing good by telling you. If he felt he absolutely had to tell someone, he should have told your husband and asked him his advice on how to handle his parents. Is that an awkward situation, yes, but then the ball is in your husband's court on what to say to his parents about them talking badly about his wife to HER parents. Or your dad should have called your inlaws, and told them that he would never tolerate any such conversations again with them, and that if they were to start saying things, he would go straight to you and your husband with it.

Basically your inlays sound like bullies. I guess some people never grow up. I'd ask your husband to talk to them about their behavior and tell them that it would not be tolerated at all, and if they choose to behave badly, they won't be invited back to your home in the future.

Fight fire with fire girl! Good luck!

I don't know why your parents feel any obligation to your inlaws to keep this quiet. Obviously you are now enemies with the inlaws, and your parents should be on your side. Why is it so toxic? Why are your inlaws so awful about you? Seems like a weird situation all round, but I know if my MIL had said horrible things about me to my parents, my mom and dad would have given her what for, and would have put her on my dad's 'special list'.

I don't blame your Dad for telling you. If he didn't then you will never have the chance to address this with the In laws. I think people feel inferior or that they are not as good as someone else so they bash them to make themselves feel better or more worthy. It is sad that people can't let their kids live their own life and just be happy that they have a happy life and marriage. If it were me I would confront them and if they say we asked them to say anything I would say UM they are my parents did you really think they wouldn't and that was pretty bold of you to put me down to my own parents. Since your husband is not for them talking about you I would ask that he be there too. I for one would not even discuss my son with the in laws but they already know better.then to do that. No I can;t believe that someone would do that. I hope you get this resolved. For your kids sake as well as you and your husbands too. Hugs to you and God Bless you and your family.

That's horrible!! What is their problem?

yea im confused to why yourparents would be ok with someone bad mouthing you, and why theyd care if they found out they told? and why the thought of them badmouthing you o the phone would come up. were they friends before? it doesnt add up...where did the drama start ebtween you and theinlaws...how are you going to disinvite them without telling them why?

Okay, this happened last May... that's a while ago. Also, you can't control what your inlaws say or do or when they do it. If they bad mouth you to your parents, eventually it may be to your neighbors, or your husband, or when your kids are older, it will be your kids. That is behavior that is going to be firmly nipped in the bud by you and your husband talking to them about it. Really, I think that banning any future visits that include them and your parents is juvenile and overreacting. Your parents have the option to walk away and say, "I'm not going to listen to this." Your parents were under no obligation to promise to them they would keep anything a secret. So, hat is an issue in it's self.

And yes, I can believe they bad mouthed you to your parents. That kind of stuff happens all the time. I have no clue if they do it for spite and plain meanness and just make stuff up, or if they really feel justified in what they say. I have a hard time believing that a relationship is totally sour just because of one side, though I know it can happen. I had a toxic relationship with my inlaws for years, when I came to the realization that I was being too nitpicky and too easily offended among other things. When I decided to work on our relationship and my perspective, everything changed and now we are very close, though some things they do still annoy me.

I would suggest you read the book "How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing With Toxic & Difficult to Love Personalities" by John Lund. Some excellent advice there. Because some people really ARE crazy and mean without any sort of provocation.

*Just wanted to add... I obviously have no idea what they said or what they have done in the past, so I don't know severity wise the details. If I felt having them around at the same time as my parents would create a possibly dangerous time or they made large scenes that make the children visibly upset, then I would not have them there. If it is something that is contained quietly on the side and can be handled gracefully by the other adults, I would still invite them, though they would have a warning prior.