My dd is on a competitive cheer team and is also a competitive gymnast. This question is about her cheer coach. Apparently the coach is constantly yelling at her to the point where the other girls on the team have even said that they don't know how she puts up with it. She is a flyer and a good tumbler so I'm sure the coach expects a lot from her. The problem is that the more she gets yelled at, the more she just shuts down and wants to quit. She's afraid to talk with the coach but her self esteem is taking a beating. She sobs when she gets home from practice and then has to try to do homework when she's a mental wreck.
She's 15...and I feel like I either should intervene because she won't handle it herself and frankly I can't blame her given the situation.
So, should I talk with the coach? I'd rather try to handle it than just giving up and quitting...but my dd does not respond well to being yelled at. She responds to positive reinforcement which makes her self motivated.
Don't bother talking to the coach,instead talk to their boss and tell them they are losing money because this coachs lack of people skills .
A part of me says use this as a learning opportunity. In life, she will have to learn how to deal with this personality type. I've had bosses that were gentle souls, and I really respond well to that. I've also had bosses that thought yelling was the best way to motivate people. It rarely is, yet that is how some people attempt to lead/coach/motivate. The reality is, this is probably not the last time she will encounter this. So how can she learn, and how can she respond/react/internalize. If you think it's not pushing her too hard, definitely use this as an opportunity for growth. Teach her how to deal with this personality type.
A part of me says that 15 is still young and it's ok for you to talk to the coach. That might be easy for me to say since my oldest is only 12, but it's difficult for me to say that at 15, they need to handle everything on their own.
It's possible that this coach is young or new at coaching and doesn't realize that there are probably better ways to motivate. It's possible that this coach sees promise in your daughter and believes she has the potential to do more. It's also possible that this coach has gotten the impression that your daughter is not doing her best and the coach is therefore frustrated. A conversation with the coach might be good. You might need to find out what is motivating the coach to yell at your daughter.
Maybe you need to talk to the coach alone or with your daughter? You definitely need to talk to your daughter about how she gets to choose how to respond, and it would be a positive life skill for her to learn how to not let the coach get to her.
If cheer is suppose to be fun and if it's no longer fun - it could be that it's time to drop it.
Competitive cheer can be a bit crazy.
I'm not sure you can change the coach and I'm not sure I'd want to take the time to try.
Can you watch every practice?
Can you record them and prove a pattern of picking on your kid?
Can you get the coach fired - and if you could, then what would happen?
I'd want my kid out of an abusive situation.
Ideally the coach would wake up and become fair over night and it's a shame a bad coach is ruining this for your daughter.
If changing the coaches behavior is not going to happen then I'd support my kid quitting the team.
From reading a previous post of yours this is not the first time you have had issues with the coach. I honestly don't know how she has time to do competitive cheer and competitive gymnastics. That's a lot of one child to deal with. My son does competitive T&T (Trampoline and Tumbling) He is at the gym at least three days a week three hours each of those days. At his lvl sometimes he goes 4 to 5 days a week now. I think at her age if one is giving her unneeded stress and truly wants to quit I personally would let her. Especially being in high school. My son homeschools as he was missing a lot for competitions and camps, (plus other issues with the school as well) but there is not way that I would expect either of my children to stay in 2 competitive sports.
If you decide to talk to the coach just be prepared for her to dismiss you! Many coaches when appeached by parents about their coaching style will tell you if you don't like it there is the door. But that's your choice.
since she's reacting so dramatically i do think action has to be taken.
i think the action still needs to be hers.
your role is to listen, which you're clearly doing. not mirror back frustration and tears, but to let her know she's heard. ask her leading questions. what does she want from cheer and gym, ultimately? what would she like to see from her coach? what would be the ideal response? what would be the very least she could accept and stay on the team? who else is the coach yelling at? how do they handle it?
i see some red flags here that i would want to address as a mom right away- she's 'afraid' to talk to the coach. fear of talking to authority figures is something you need to help her work through, and soon. at 15 she'll be on her own soon. she needs to know how to do this. sobbing and being a mental wreck are over-reactions to a 'fun' activity. is this from the extreme wrongness of the coach, or is your daughter over-sensitive? if the former, how many others are experiencing it? if the latter, is this really the right activity for her? will this translate into an inability to handle a tough boss? you say she 'won't' handle it herself. have you yet discussed it with her and helped talk her through it, role playing and giving her some tools? if she actually refuses to handle it, how will it help her coping skills if you handle it for her?
your final sentence is contradictory. if she's only self-motivated when praised, then she's not actually self-motivated.
i really do get how difficult it is when we feel our kids are getting picked on. but i think this is a really big important learning moment for her.
khairete
S.
She's a teen and it's cheer. It's very VERY unlikely that this will be her profession in the future. Therefore, if she's not having fun, talk to the coach, and if she's still not having fun, then quit.
For the talk with the coach, she should be there, and she should try to do at least some of the speaking, but by all means yes, you can be there with her to support her and intervene if it starts to go badly.
I think sometimes kids at that age feel that if they are good at something, then they HAVE to do it. Not true! If a child's extracurricular activity doesn't bring him/her joy, then it's time to stop doing it. Please teach her that it's her job to make choices that make her happy - she only gets one life to live.
I encourage my kids to handle talking to their coaches and teachers themselves as much as possible.
If you do go in, I would at least observe a practice or two first so you know what you are talking about.
I would have her go in with you. To clear the air and move on, she should be there - if there is to be a positive outcome.
My kids don't like being yelled at. They get it's nothing personal but they don't enjoy that level of competitiveness. One dropped out of a higher level of sport because it just wasn't for him.
Make sure she's really being picked on. I get you're saying it's disproportionate but make sure you've actually observed this. Kids that age, can really internalize stuff and take things to heart. It's hard.
I would definitely meet before giving up. If it is just the coach, that seems like a real shame.
When my granddaughter was in dance and wanted to quit, and I thought she should learn how from stay and deal with the situation. My granddaughter and I talked with the dance team coach
The coach said knowing when to quit is also important. She quit. It was a good decision for her. The teams coach coached in an upbeat way so not like the coach you describe.
Looking back, I see how taking care of herself continues to happen.
I suggest that your daughter is overwhelmed by being in 2 competitive sports is likely. Then add a harsh coach. I suggest quitting is reasonable. I made an appointment for both of us to talk with her dance team coach and am glad I did. I knew she would be helpful because I had met her 2-3 times at tryouts, an actual appearance and at potluck for parents and kids to pay for uniforms and such.
Please consider the pressure your daughter feels and how quitting could be important in learning how to recognize that sometimes quitting teaches how to take care of herself. She will learn when to stick it out and when to quit with other incidences.
Updated
When my granddaughter was in dance and wanted to quit, and I thought she should learn how from stay and deal with the situation. My granddaughter and I talked with the dance team coach
The coach said knowing when to quit is also important. She quit. It was a good decision for her. The teams coach coached in an upbeat way so not like the coach you describe.
Looking back, I see how taking care of herself continues to happen.
I suggest that your daughter is overwhelmed by being in 2 competitive sports is likely. Then add
I am thinking maybe when you come to pick up your daughter she could request 5 minutes of her time and you just be there for moral support or to jump into the conversation if needed. Practice different scenarios with her beforehand.
Can you go sit and watch the practices? I personally dislike coaches like this. I think I would go sit in each time and watch. I know kids should advocate for themselves, but sometimes an adult really is a bully and it is above the kid's head to deal with it. Go and watch and see if you think anything is amiss. If other kids are noticing it sounds like something is off. Have your daughter stick up for herself first. After your daughter talks to him/her about it and things do not change...go talk to the coach yourself and say you are concerned that he/she is yelling at your daughter so much that she is crying EVERY time she comes home from practice. Tell them this is not life and death and there is no need to make the kids feel bad. If the coach doesn't change go talk to someone above them.
If she's coming home in such a bad state she is always miserable after practice and her homework is also suffering, something needs to change. Activities are supposed to be fun.
I think you should let her handle it, though. Encourage her to talk to the coach herself. Coach her through it with some role-playing. Help her find the words to communicate both assertively and respectfully. As tempting as it is to go talk to the coach yourself on her behalf, I wouldn't do that because you're just going to annoy the coach. And it will make your daughter look immature. There may be more to the story than a personality or communication style than you know about. Coaches would much prefer to hear directly from the athletes themselves than parents. At least initially, the coach should be given a chance to be made aware of the issue and given a chance to resolve it with your daughter.
I would continue to be a listening ear. Give your daughter some time to work up the courage to approach the coach for a few private minutes of her time. If she's this upset now, she doesn't have anything to lose by at least trying to make a change. If nothing changes after she has a talk with the coach, she can go higher up the ladder if she isn't satisfied. If she still refuses to talk tot he coach, if nothing changes and she's still unhappy I would allow her to quit but encourage her to finish the current season, so she doesn't leave her team in a tougher position.
