how can you get family members to understand that they need to think about what they say before they say it... My brother and i just got into a argument over something stupid because he made a statement that bothered me... then he said that it was all my fault because he just made a statement and I over reacted... My husband and i are not together right now because of situation not choice... he calls me but I can't call him back... in order for him to call I have to have an account set up with money like an electronic phone card... well the account is blocked for the next tow days so i called my husbands family to let them know so they could relay the message when he calls then because I can't put any money on the account until I get paid... First my brother listens in on my business and then tells my to tell him to limit his calls and then when i told him has he just over called because yesterday was my birthday he then tells me you don't have to answer... I know i have the choice to pick up or not but he doesn't understand... he is not married or even in a relationship... the last time i saw my husband was Jan 5th of course I am going to pick up every time he calls wouldn't you if you where in my shoes.... but then he yells at me and tell me to get over myself because i took offense and started to get upset at what he said... did i take it the wrong way or does he need to watch what he says... and how can i tell him nicely to were he will understand and not say that I just need to get over myself
If it were me, I would tell my brother when he pays my bills, he can tell me how to do things. Until then, to shut up and mind his own business. Straight and to the point. After that, discussion is OVER.
Don't let anyone else rent space in YOUR head. Unless you are asking them for money or help or whatever, they have NO say in what you do. You can't "make" them watch what they say, but you certainly don't have to put any weight to what they do say.
In this case, it seems like ignoring your brother is the best option. Who cares what he thinks about your business? You are absolutely right - I would want to talk to my husband too, and it's none of your brother's business anyway. But the situation escalated, so I would just let his comments roll off my back. Easier said than done, sure. This is one of those cases where I would recommend not engaging with conversation with him about it. If you really want to get him, tell him "thanks for your opinion" and walk away.
Why should you have to tell him nicely? He butted into your business and then got pissy with you when you got offended. Tell him to mind his own business. Period. Just say "look, I wasn't talking to you, it's not your business and you can't understand, so butt out!"
We can forever tell other people what they "need" to do. You tell your brother he needs to watch what he says. He tells you you need to get over yourself. Kinda silly, isn't it?
Decide for yourself what you authentically need, how to most effectively get there, whose feelings you need to respect. (Bear in mind that much of what we think we need is based on ideas, not reality.) Take appropriate steps. Watch what you say to whom, if appropriate.
If you are truly doing the best you can, that's all you can do, right? Take some deep breaths when others criticize you, and let it go.
There will always be people happy to criticize – there is nothing in the world you can to about that besides holding onto your own dignity. Getting your feelings in a knot will cause you pain, but won't have any transformative effect on other people.
If you REALLY want to learn how to communicate more effectively, google "Non-Violent Communication." There are very effective techniques you can learn that will dramatically increase your "dignity quotent." It does take work and attention. And I have found these techniques extremely helpful in some difficult relationships.
Hmmm. This is a little confusing, but that's okay.
My friend's husband, a firefighter, was gone for long periods of time and half the time she didn't even know for sure where he was. He may or may not be able to call her but she could never call him and it had nothing to do with money or anything like that.
So, in that regard, I understand being separated due to circumstance.
What I don't understand is why your brother is involving himself in it to the point of upsetting you.
Maybe you over-reacted and if you did, you can own that, and you can provide a valid reason why you over-reacted. Maybe things are bad enough right now and he doesn't need to tell you not to talk to your husband.
Unless he wants to give you money to help pay to talk to your husband, whether or not you talk to him or how long or how often really shouldn't be any of his business.
If your brother wants you to get over yourself, fine, maybe he should get over you to an extent too especially when it comes to communication with your husband.
You are probably on edge because of the difficulty with communication with your husband and maybe you did get upset. But maybe your brother also shouldn't comment unless he can help make the situation better as opposed to making you feel worse.
You can always say, "I heard your opinion and now you can keep it to yourself so we don't have to argue."
Something like that.
Hang in there.
Best wishes.
Stop telling your brother how you feel. You are in control of what others say by not saying it at all. Take it as a lesson learned.
I agree that you need you space and I would make that clear to family members. I am wondering if there a reason why your brother is not wanting you to talk to your husband. Maybe you should be upfront with him and ask him about the reason why he thinks that calls should be limited. If he cannot come up with a plausible reason then you can just tell him that you understand and appreciate that he cares and therefore giving him a chance to explain his reasons but he does not have one so he should not be saying anything.
Forget telling/hoping your brother will watch what he says. He never will. It is up to you to shut him down. Tell him it is none of his business and DON'T engage him with anymore discussion.
Done.
