How to Get My Kid to Listen

Not to be funny but consider calling SuperNanny or try using any of her tactics? She's on Wed. 8pm They have helped.

There is nothing wrong with the reward system. Start off with frequent rewards but little ones. !) min. more for T.V or a piece of candy or longer outside at the park. Then slowly ease back on the rewards so it isn't so frequent. Also try ignoring the screaming when she stops screaming tellher you like the way she is being quiet when you are done doing what I asked then you can have whatever the small reward is. Sometimes no attention for the negative behavior works especilally when you compliment the good behavior.

Whatever method you use, calm and consistent is key. I love Dr. James Dobson. I would suggest reading anything he has written but start with Dare to Discipline and the strong willed child.Best of luck. We all know how hard it can be.

I am assuming that since she is in Head Start that she is 4 years old? With that assumption I can offer the following advice.

First of all being in head Start is a great start. And being in a parenting class is even better! Good for you! I would suggest that you talk to her teacher and or the regional director of the Head Sart program. Head Start is allotted a certain amount of money for parent information and they may be able to provide you with materials that you can bring home to read inbetween classes.

Ask if they have anything on Conflict Resolution and/or effective communication. Learning these methods do wonders for discipline. I used to give workshops on these to preschool parents as a way to effective discipline. They are backed by solid research (some of which I participated in) and I have used these methods in my classroom and with my own children. If done properly they have a impact.

In the meantime, stop the rewards. It is not working for her. She needs to intrinsically want to be good and the reward system is extrinsically rewarding her. So...

1. Get big clear box & label it with whatever behavior she exhibits that you do not like. For example, "not listening." When she does not listen to your instructions take her favorite most beloved thing and put it in that box (out of her reach but so she can see it), IMMEDIATELY and do the following:
* Tell her in simple plain words "I took that away because you did not listen. If you want it back you are going to have to earn it back. You can earn it back by doing as I say."

* Next offense, do the same. Attend to it IMMEDIATELY.

* Next offense do the same IMMEDIATELY.

* That box may be full before she realizes what it all means. And keep it that way. When she does what you want i.e. listen to your instructions IMMEDIATELY take her to the box and tell her that she was a good listener and she has earned 1 toy back. You choose the toy or she chooses.

* Remind her that every time she isn't a good listener you will take something away. Remind her that when she is a good listener she will earn something back.

You can have multiple boxes for each behavior you wish to improve upon. Just keep them in the same area and clearly label them with words and pictures (relating to the 'offense') so she can identify them for what they are. If you are taking TV away,put a picture of the TV in the box.

In severe cases, which I do not know if your is or if it just typical young childhood behavior, you could also take EVERYTHING away. EVERYTHING, all toys, all her decorations, all her stuff that is in her room. Have her earn each and every single item back whenever she does something she is suppossed to do. Nothing she earns back is a new toy/reward. Everything she has to earn is already hers and has some value to her.

Whatever you choose to do you have to tackle the problem
#1 IMMEDIATELY and #2 Consistantly.

If all fails, talk to her pediatrician. Some children have a defiance disorder and it needs to be taken care of in a way that requires more intervention.

All my best to you. Please feel free to contact me anytime if you need further help.

A.

S.-

You've gotten a whirlwind of amazing advice! What a wonderful community! I'm sure you'll find something that works and hopefully those parenting classes will begin to show some benefit to you as you get further into them. I think the biggest thing to keep in mind when starting a new system is to keep in mind that you must remain consistant and that it may get WORSE before it gets BETTER. It takes time to change...whether we're 4 yrs old or 35 yrs old, we all need time to adjust.

I did, however, just want to expand on one thing that another poster had mentioned. I encourage you, that when it seems like nothing is working and/or her behaviors interfer with her life (home/school/the ability to go out in public/etc), that you consider a professional consult with a psychologist/psychiatrist. If anything, they may be able to offer you some ideas. But, with a family history of mental illness, there is always the possibility that it goes beyond typical childhood defiance. I speak from experience...my oldest didn't (doesn't) respond to reward charts, red/yellow/green light systems, marble jars, positive reinforcement, time out, Dr. Greene's Basket system, etc. He was asked to "leave" two daycares at the ages of 3 and 4, and at the age of 3 was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He's now 9 and we're still working on the diagnosis (bipolar?). So, try new things, but don't rip your hair out and don't be afriad to see if there is something else going on. :::hugs:::

hi S. I am no one to give advice because i am going through a similar experience but the method i have been trying lately is ignoring the neg and praise the pos. also be consistant

I have a 17 year old who was just like that when he was young. Here are my suggestions:

1. The louder your child gets, the lower YOUR voice should get. More monotone. Quiet. You don't yell no matter what.

2. Ask for something. ONCE. Don't give in to your child's saying "NO". Your child will not do it. Don't respond. Go about your business. If your child won't get dressed, take your child in PJs, or next night, dress your child in next day's outfit. Your child will question this. Say you are solving the problem without yelling.

3. Say less. It will keep you calm. Use YOUR calm to actually CALM yourself. Use only words your child will understand. NEVER look down on your child. Try to get down to her/his level. Smile. It's ok.

4. If your child says "NO", don't respond. My child started saying more and more - to fill the void where there used to be yelling. I didn't respond. Finallyl, after 5 minutes, he JUST WENT AND DID IT. I couldn't believe it after all the years of yelling. Model the non-yelling behavior. Model the smiles.

5. REALIZE that everything will be ok. These are all phases. Pat YOURSELF on the back when you make it through, and see a small change on your child.

K

Don't worry there is hope and time to help your daughter. The key to getting your child to listen and obey is consistency. You must make it your number one goal for a week or two. Find a consequence that you can follow through with. I am thinking most will use a timeout place. The key is that you must catch the problem when it is just starting. Don't start threatening and repeating yourself. I always remind myself that if I have to say "do you need a spanking (or a timeout?)" the real answer is yes.. they already did because they have already chosen to ignore or disobey the first time.

Most likely your daughter has found that she can whine or even outright disobey and get away with it until you have finally "had it" and then yell back at her.

Make it a point to have her obey the first time every time. It will be exhausting at first and seem like it is not working. But if you persevere you will find that after a few days (or maybe longer if she is really strong willed) that she will realize that you mean what you say the first time and you will follow through so it isn't worth it.

Don't worry about being her friend and her buddy right now. That will come in time after you establish yourself as the parent. BUT remember... DON"T WAIT UNTIL she has triggered your anger. If you are angry just walk away and regroup. You HAVE to respond in calmness the first time she refuses to obey. Simply scoop her up and calmly say " you are not obeying so..." and follow through calmly with the consequence.

I know this is longwinded. SOrry about that. Sum it up to say: concentrate on first time obedience with a calm response and you will see a world of difference.

BTW.. I have 4 teenagers in my home now and they are all becoming my best friends. I truly enjoy their company. But it came from being a firm yet loving parent in the early years

C.
(mother of 10 blessings from ages 3 mos -18ys)

S., stay strong. I'm sure you are a great mother or you wouldn't be asking for help. i'd say you need couseling for her and you. I have successfully raised a 20 yr girl on my own. We fought alot and survived. I made a decision when she was 10 yrs old (a little too late) to stop screaming at her. In return she stopped screaming at me. We certainly went to a great deal of counseling. I'm not sure what your relationship situation is like, but it sounds like she has some anger about that, maybe. Reach out for FREE counseling, Catholic charities or use your companies EAP. Getting help means you are healthy. You have friends, reach out.

S.-

How old is your daughter? Age appropriate disciplining is so important. I'd love to offer advice but first I want to know how old your little girl is :)

The fact that you are taking a parenting class & asking other Moms for advice is WONDERFUL!!! Try to stay positive. I believe you will find a healthy way to "get through" to your daughter.

I work with individuals who live with deveolopmental disabilities and MR. One of the best ways we have found is to limit the choices. too many choices can be overwhelming. If you child is having an issue over something let them know "you can have this or nothing". You can watch tv in here or you don't watch it (this worked with a friends kids one night). Over and over again I have seen limiting the choices and making it a this or that situation work.
It might also help her to get into a play therapy group. my friend had her 2 year old go and it seemed to help.
Good luck.

I think you are on the right track with the reward system. Make it very visible- you can find incentive charts at staples or make your own five stickers equals a choice time. Catch her doing the right think and rally choose your battles. Where are you priorities? You just have to be extemely consistent and try to give her choices of Non material rewards eg... choose the activivty we do, free time, play time. Encouragement goes a long way. I know the yelling is ineffective and will keep her stress levels as well as yours up. Offer things in choices so she feels some control. Eg, you make clean your room or sit in time out it is your choice.
good luck

I really recommend the book "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Cohen. Some of his ideas I dont agree with, biut the overall message I do! Also "Playful Parenting". These both teach how to parent in a loving way without punishments and rewards, but to help bring out the best in our kids and our relationship with them. Here are the links.
http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewa...
http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/...
Hope these books help! They sure helped me! Good Luck.
Oh...and 1 more...The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears. Here's the link for this.
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

How old is your daughter? Try the techniques in Harvey Karp's book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block. I think there's a DVD as well. Also, remember that defiance, while extremely frustrating, is developmentally appopriate for toddlers. Your daughter is asserting her will. Hang in there! This too shall pass...

I have found a great book for parenting called Positive Discipline for Preschoolers-also comes in all the years of childhood. Authors: Jane NElsen, Cheryl Erwin, and ROslyn Duffy. I found lots of things to try that might help you too. I have found that I am the one who needs the time out when I get too frustrated--time to be in the bathroom alone to breath and count and pray. Also, I have found that when I set limits early, I am less likely to lose my temper. It is hard but it works. All the best to you.

You HAVE to look into this program called 1-2-3 Magic, by Dr. Phelan. It is a very effective and easy to follow plan of discipline. It is a positive style of discipline that can help you develop your patince more and give you the tools you need to get your children to make the right choices. Go to www.parentmagic.com to find out more. Get the book, tapes or DVD. As a social worker at a group home for behavior problem children we used this to train staff, I use it at home. It's exactly what you need!! There is so much you get out of it and it works.

Hi, have you heard about the Love and logic parenting style?
I took a course with them and one thing I learned was that you can not force your children to do something but you can tell them what you are going to do if they choose the wrong choice. For example, you ask your child to clean up her toys but she say no, this is what I do with my 4 years old sun,I say fine if you don't clean up I will put all the toys in a box in the basement until you are ready to clean up after playing, this work very well for me. Of course this is in a very calm tone of voice, almost friendly. In this way you have the power and an important part is that you have to do what you say so be careful with what you say! I hope this help a bit, good luck!

Try 1 2 3 Magic--it is a great book and has helped me immensely! http://www.parentmagic.com/ Try half.com for good prices...

Everyone has put out great advice. The main thing you have to do is decide what you are going to do and stick to it. Don't try one thing one week and another the next. It may take awhile, but you will have a better outcome in the end. Trust me things will get better!!!

How old is she. If she is still young, I would say that every time you tell her something make her repeat it to you. It is always possible that she is just playing you. she knows that if she refuses enough, you will do it. Sounds like the your on the right track though ie. timeout ect. Keep it up, she will get tired of it and start to take on her own. Let her decide what to do. make a list and let her pick. of course this all depends on age

get this book, it's based on sound evidence and years of clinical experience:

http://www.alankazdin.com/kazdin_method.htm

Good morning! First, you are perfect, whole and complete. What an amazing accomplishment to be a single mother and juggling it all. I hope every morning that you wake up you feel special and that all is well. Have you ever heard of the law of attraction? Well it works with raising your kids. If you are expecting your daugher to never listen, trust me, she won't. I have a 3.5 year old boy and believe me we have our moments with "NO." The trick is to approach every situation with the desire, belief and expectation that she will listen. By doing that, you might approach the situation differently and end up with a different result, even just the infliction in your voice might be enough. There is a great resource at www.kidsawakening.com. She has put together some really awesome resources worth checking out.

I used to have horrible mornings. Constant battling with my son to get dressed, brush the teeth, etc. I used to dread it. Then I began to approach the situation from a different manner. I didn't dread it, I would get excited about it and so would he...children feed off of us.

Make it a great day only you can.

Jenn Munger

Hi S.,

Your situation sounds so similar to what my husband & I were going through with our daughter it amazes me. I felt as if I was yelling all the time, constantly bribing with this toy or that toy, etc. What has truly made a difference for us is an actual chart. This one has different subjects like "At Home" & "At School". There are then tasks below, like "Helped with the Dishes" or "Completed my Homework". There are also blank spaces where we can add our own like "Did not Yell" or the major one "Did not Whine". Right before bedtime we gather & go through the chart. We award a check for what she has done & X's for what she hasn't done. Each X crosses out a check mark so she has to be very careful how many X's she receives during the week. She has also gotten to a point where she is allowed to mark the chart. This gives us time together to praise her checks & also review how situations can & should be handled where she received an X.
We aim for small prizes or rewards such as a new box of markers, a new book, etc. We discuss what the prize will be for the following week before we end the present week since the bigger the "prize" the more checks she must receive during the week. If she would like a friend over, that is a biggy so she would need a lot of stars & maybe even go through two weeks of her chart in order to earn that prize.
What we did to encourage her at first was put the amount of checks needed that week very low with the hope that it would show her that if she behaved, she would really receive what she wanted. It has worked, thankfully. We have gradually been upping the amount of checks she needs per week regardless.
This chart allows her to visually see what our expectations are & what is acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior. She was constantly having trantrums that would have us all up in arms, yelling, feeling nasty for hours. I have to say that the chart has truly done the trick since I really didn't know what else to do. Mind you she still has days, like today, where she was just in a not listening mood but now because of that she is going to have quite a few X's. A consequence that she does not want.
Perhaps this is what you have done already & if so, I apologize for wasting your time. Not sure how old your daughter is as mine is 5 1/2.

Best of luck to you,
H.

i have a similar issue with my daughter who is two years old. my sitter taught me take her in another room when she is not listening. sit her in a chair. hold her face in my hands and while making eye contact for sixty seconds continue to repeat what the inappropriate behavior is and why it is unacceptable. that is a long time to sit with her repeating the same thing. after a few months of consistently doing this it seems to be getting better. i have to remind myself she is only two and a half.

Hi One thought is to say it once!!! " Can you pick up your toys before you watch your movie". If you have to tell her again then there is no movie. Make sure she has a consequence for each action. immedietely or it won't be as effective.

How old is she? My 2 year old is really big on the "NO" word. I give him a couple of chances to correct it with a "yes mommy...or even an okay". Sometimes I feel that "yes mommy" is militant, but with his mouth it was a good place to start and then I can back off. If he doesn't correct it I use soap or hot sauce. Then so I don't have to continue to do it, because I HATE it more then he does. The minute I do it I tell him "you may NOT tell me no" before he does it again. At 2 the time outs are if-y, but it's a good routine to start.

My 3 year old...I did the same as above. It took a couple of weeks. Once he really understood that it wasnt going to be tolerated, I now tell him "If you tell me NO, then I am going to spend the entire day telling you NO. Treats, dessert, cartoons, favorite toys. I make very dramatic. "well, lets see....HHHMMMM...do you remember telling me no this morning?....so....no" Very calm though. He's coming out of it. Now on most days he'll say to me "mommy I'm going to have a YES mouth today! I always thank him when he's polite with us and does what I ask. Get tough. Tell her one time to do something, then do whatever the consequence was that you decided on. I really reached out to someone that had been there as well. Go to my website, I was really letting them get away with stuff for a few months and it really came back to haunt me. A couple of my first few posts are about me getting advice from a no-nonsence mom that has raised 2 boys....11 months apart. She rocks and has an answer for everything. You might also want to check out the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" It was like a map to my 3 year old's mind. Get tough! YOU'RE THE PARENT! Just keep telling yourself that! I think that the posts about my situations are titled Just when I thought I was tough enough and the second one is Just when I thought I was loving enough. It really helped me reel them in. We're having less and less time outs. Also, I realized that most times when they say something like "don't" it's becuase they've heard me say it. I've really learned to say "you may no" or "I really need you to" or "can you please get dressed now" they will start to parrot that back to you. I also do a 3 second count. I will say "you have three seconds to decide on what you want to do". Then hold strong and give her the consequence. Right now she is in control of the "home domain" It's normal that they want to be alpha...take it back. The older they are the harder it is to get back. Treat each day as a new day, and only focus on one day at a time.

Back2backboys,
www.becauseimtheparent.typepad.com

i am a mama of three and this book has totally changed our lives---The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children, Parenting from the heart by Steven W. Vannoy.
I promise it will give you the tools you need. good luck.