How to Get My Husband to Help More!

Write a list.

My husband and my kids have this incredible ability to walk into a trashed room and deem it clean. They actually fail to see what needs to be done. And, if they're told, they forget.

We have a Mom list, a Kids list, and a dh list. If they don't notice the actual dishes in the sink, they'll notice it on their list of things to do!

I've found that starting a request with "Hey, baby," helps and making it sound like you're trying to help him out:

"Hey, baby, can you take out the trash as soon as I change this diaper? It's a stinky one."

"Hey, baby, the dryer just shut off. Will you grab those clothes so I can make sure your shirts aren't wrinkly for tomorrow?"

We also tried designated chores - like he is in charge of X, Y, and Z. I do everything else.

As for personal time, I just tell him far in advance, "hey, I'm going to get my hair done next Tuesday night" (write it on the calendar), "so I should be gone for about three hours that night."

It took my emergency appendectomy (and 3 days in the hospital) to get my hubby to realize how hard it is to take care of two young kids and the house before he acknowledged what I do every day. :) Let's hope yours doesn't learn that way - just for your sake!

Well....this is an age-old dilemma.
I know there are lots of wives that over-praise, keep asking, make a list, etc. (I don' know that lists work b/c if they can' remember to put clothes in the dryer, they probably won't remember to look at a list!)

You say you both have agreed that he will help but he needs to be reminded every time. Stop doing that. Let the trash overflow, the laundry pile to the ceiling. He's a big boy. He knows his chores. Let him do them. You're his wife not his mom. If he waits too long and it makes it harder--all the better.

Also, I think the best way for a man to see what's involved in the everyday things needing "done" in a house with a time demanding baby (they ALL are!) is a Baptism by Fire.
Just get OUT of the house.
You.
Alone.
For several (4-6) hours if you can. Repeat as necessary. He'll "get it" once he sees just how much time an 8 month old takes on a daily basis. And you'll get your "me time"!

Praise. Keep telling him how wonderful he is when he does do something, and how much you appreciate it. I know, I know, and it only does so much, but it does help. Also, choose to let things go, and let him pick up the slack. Be specific (and positive) in your requests.
Good luck.

Part of the problem is that he sees the home as YOUR job, what you should be doing. He views "helping" as just that - helping. He does not see any of it as shared responsibilities.

I would stop thinking of it as "helping" too! It's not!! If he works 40 hours and you work 40 hours, the rest is SHARED. If he gets defensive, it's because he's not too sure of his position either. A change of terminology and a change of viewpoint might give you a fresh start.

You can scale back your expectations of what makes a perfect house, and decide together what's important to each of you. If there are things that are NOT important, although they might be nice, then scratch them off the "to do" list. If there are a couple of tasks that one of you truly despise, then perhaps the other spouse can do those. Try to make a list of what's really important. Start with your relationship - you don't want to be arguing. Tell him that. Let him know you are also stressed about the cultural changes and the loneliness.

Once you know what you both really feel is important, you can try to work it out.

The other thing is to just stop doing all the stuff you can't stand or don't have time for, rather than getting stressed out and resentful. If he wants it to be done, maybe he'll do it!

Good luck!!

Your house needs to be clean. That doesn't mean that you can't have clutter or toys around once in a while. If the dishes don't get done or the laundry gets backed up - it's fine. Your floor doesn't have to be washed every day... if you clean the spots, it's good enough
As long as your children are clean, healthy, and fed -- you are doing well.
If you want time for yourself, take it.
Don't sweat the small stuff... and most of it is small stuff.
Decide what you want to do for yourself. If he is home, hand him the baby and walk out. He can handle it for a few hours.
Don't make bottles.
Don't prepare food.
Just hand him the baby and walk out.
Get to where you are going and turn off the cell phone. :-)
You get home when you get home.
Once you are established, take a weekend for yourself. Don't make bottles or baby food ahead of time. Don't clean or do laundry.
Trust me -- he'll understand a little better.
LBC

my suggestion is a passive agression one. this is what i do........nothing.
if i want my husband to start doing something, i stop doing it. i mention it, man, theres a mountain of laundry. then i dont touch it again. when he runs out of clothes, he's in the garage getting it done. man, those dishes are piling up, well, ive got to go grocery shopping, so, bye. then i dont touch another dish. eventually he will take his butt into the kitchen.
sometimes we negotiate - "honey since i always clean the bathrooms, do you think you could take over the floors? unless, you want to clean the toilets and ill vacum?" i havent swept, mopped, or vaccuumed in 2 years!

I am watching this thread closely for sure! I could have written this post the other night. I had cooked dinner and was working on the kitchen clean up. The trash was absolutely overflowing with empty containers on the counter. I bagged up the trash and asked him to take it out since I was in my pajamas. His response was "Why can't YOU do it?". He is lucky to be here now... I work full time too, so I EXPECT his help. It is SO frustrating.

NO idea. I love my husband but I think not much was expected of him except good grades...growing up. He almost has no desire to fix broken things around the house. When we go on vacation I pack the whole van up. He puts the container on the top. I load it. I pack the suitcases, towels, everything except his suitcase. I put the bikes and the bike rack on. I do it I want it done. I no longer ask him. I dont want to start a fight.
I understand your frustration.

Men in general need very specific instructions. I suggest you sit down with him and agree on a list of the things he will be responsible for, including times during the week or month that he will watch the baby so you can have a couple of hours to yourself.

My husband responds best when I am very specific and I make a nice request. "Could you do the dishes tonight while I give the boys a bath?"

Try to avoid asking him to "help" you with the house. That implies that it is all your responsibility and he is doing you a favor! Rather, remind him that you do the majority of it, but this is a shared responsibility. I have to remind my husband of that from time to time, but I also have to remind myself. I want him to know that I appreciate all that he does, but I also need him to remember that it is part of providing for his family.

Well, are the things you're asking him to do things that you've done all along? I can understand that he doesn't know why you'd suddenly need "help" with these things if you are home all day because he thinks you can spend that time getting things done. If you've always done these things yourself, he may not understand why you'd need help. But why do these things have to be your responsibility? My husband never "helped." It was never assumed that any one job was my responsibility and he was a "helper." If your hubby didn't do any of these jobs before the baby was born, he doesn't know why he has to do them now. Discuss the things that need to get done and come to an understanding of a fair division of labor. Give him a good understanding of what you spend your day doing. Some men don't embrace the concept that while they have a workday, you should have one too - meaning that you are not responsible for all housework and childcare during his after work hours. He may already be doing a lot, but that doesn't trump you doing a lot. If he expects to come home and relax while you are still doing the cooking, tidying, laundry and baby care, after you've been meeting all of your baby's needs all day, perhaps he needs to see what your day is really like. I'm not a fan of husbands being "helpers." I didn't do all the housework before we had kids and I didn't do all of it after, and when my husband did it, it wasn't that he was helping me, he was doing what needed to be done for our home and family - just as I'm not "helping" by bringing in a paycheck and providing our insurance.

Some men, just don't help much around the house, maybe due to energy issues, I think men get tireder than women, they just don't have the stamina we have. We can work full time, look after the kids, cook and clean, but they can work full time and be wiped out.
If you need me time, put your kids in a daycare for one day a week, so you can catch up on things. I would stop sweating it to be honest.

Find a time when you are both calm and in a good mood, and bring up your concerns. Don't be accusatory, just tell him you are starting to feel over-stressed and need some support.

Also remember, guys don't see things the same way we do. My husband can walk past an overflowing trash can for a week, and it takes me pointing it out to him for him to take it out. He's not being lazy or trying to get out of it, he just is thinking other things.
Offer to give your husband gentle reminders to do the things he's agreed to do. I have to tell my husband "do it now, please" because if it waits it doesn't get done; but don't do that right when he walks in the door or when his favorite show is about to start (or when he's really tired).
If you talk about it at a non-stressful time and come to an agreement, it won't seem like nagging when you do remind him. (hopefully!)

Oh T......

I laughed as I read these answers. Not because the problem is funny. Not at all. I had (and still do have to an extent) the same problem. I laugh because I literally tried EVERY suggestion on here and nothing worked. Sorry to sound discouraging, but it did work out in the end. Read on....

I would say "oh babe, could you grab the shirts so yours aren't wrinkled"? He would say "I don't care if my shirts are wrinkled" - so guess who ended up getting the laundry?

I would say "hey, the house needs to be cleaned" He would respond, "No, you just think it does. I am not on your schedule - it doesn't have to be done right when you think it does".

I would leave the trash to pile up or leave the dishes untouched or not make dinner for him and only for me and the kids. All that did was cause tension in the home and cause fights.

I would leave a list and ask as nice as I could for him to help (and he only had a few things "assigned" to him). He would respond that he is not a child and wouldn't follow such a list.

So, to be short, nothing seemed to be working for me.

Then one day, after I had a breakdown, crying and all, and the next day, the dishes were done without me asking, he started a load of laundry on his own, and he even gave one of the kids their bath on his own. I was in awe. It literally took me crying and telling him I could not do this anymore and him visibly seeing me break down before he would help.

To this day, my husband and I both work full time at high stress jobs. We have three kids. He still thinks, and will always think, it is the woman's job to take care of the home and kids, even if she works full time. But, he does help me more than he did. And it is enough to keep me from crying (most days=). That is all I ask.

The point of my rant is that it can get better. When you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise there is one. Try what you can to get him to help, but I warn you, your hubby sounds like mine (getting defensive, etc). So, it is likely that you leaving him all day will result in you coming home to a very mad hubby, or to an empty house. Do what works for you. Stop and think about ways in the past you have gotten him to do something for you that he didn't want to do. Kindness and praise works in my house. May not for others. Find what works.

Sadly men don't realize the importance to us as mothers and wifes to have a clean home. It does not bother them like it does us. It is in our nature to have a wonderful home. My hubby is not the most helpful either. Sadly if we want it done we have to do it ourselves. I still will at times turn the tv off while he is watching it and say. If I am going to clean the house then I dont want the tv on. It makes him mad, but I work 40 hours outside the home the same as him. Most of the time if we are doing it as a couple he tends to help more them doing it on his own. So maybe ask him to help you do the dishes by rinsing, or folding clothes together.

bribe him with sex, "honey, if you would like some... tonight I need you to do this for me"

Some men expect their wives to do exactly what their mothers did when they were growing up. First think about what your MIL's role was in his family.

Sometimes men want the exact opposite in their wives..but rarely. If his mom did everything around the house, he's going to want you to do the same. If his mother was rarely home, he's going to want you to be available 24/7 to cater to his needs that weren't met when he was younger.

Making a chore chart can help lessen your load. Nagging doesn't work all the time and it becomes tiresome. You know what kind of wife/mother you want to be...let him know and stand your ground.

Now I can see if he works 50+ hours a week he's not going to want to do the dishes right when he gets home especially if you were home all day.

The best way to show him you need help around the house is for you to leave him home with your child for the entire day. He's never going to know what all it takes to run a household if he's not put in that situation for more than an hour.

Good luck