How to Deal with Weight Talk...

One answer that seems to work when my husband starts meddling in areas he doesn't belong (especially since you said you have tried being nice about it) is this: "My weight is not a subject of discussion". Repeat until the discussion stops. Good luck!

Maybe it's time to be not-so-nice? My mom finally quit doing that to me like last year after hearing all about it since I was 11. I think 26 years of it was enough! Especially after 4 kids, 2 divorces, and a very stressful full-time job. Sheesh! Anyways, 160 at 5'7" seems thin to me! Good luck!

The next time they say something be nice but matter of fact. "I know you mean well and I would like to lose some weight to but your comments don't make it any easier. Please leave my weight alone and let me deal with it. I enjoy spending time with you and don't want to think about my weight when we are together, I think about it enough on my own."

While I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight I still have weight to lose. I have been off work for 4 months and you would think I woudl have lost some but I haven't. I go back to work on Tuesday. I have to get more structured and only eat good foods. I've been eating bad for a bit.

I always struggled with a healthy weight and had to hear hurtful comments from family about and after my pregnancies--even though I was within a healthy weight range, just higher end, and only gained 30 pounds with each baby. Some people really do not see beyong size and struggle to look at someone and not assess what they want to see different. They need to learn to keep their mouths shut about it. It is okay to have an issue you are not allowed to talk about--it might be how you choose to discipline your children, what church you go to, the fact that you do not force your children to eat five pieces of brocolli at the table, or, in this case, your weight. If you state very clearly that any and all weight related conversations, unless you ask them for the opinion or information, must stop. If they bring it up, you will remind them politely that that is something you do not talk about. Change the subject or end the conversation, leave, etc. It sounds harsh, but I had to to do that with the "subject" of my husband. My family can't say nice things, I am not going to listen to stuff that ludicrous; if they want to talk to me it will be about something else. If your weight is ballooning way out of control and you are suddenly at risk for a million conditions, your husband should be the one to talk lovingly and supportively to you about it. If you are unhappy with your weight and appearance, that is a talk for trusted girlfriends or, again, your husband. Unless you are confiding your frustrations with your family, they should not be talking about it. I am thankful that I have never had a "skinny" friend who made me feel bad about the way I look, but they have always been supportive whatever my health goals, whether I achieve them or not.

Comments will always hurt, even if they are kind or oblivious. People will always make them, but you might consider making it an "off limits" subject. I know how hard it is to be firm with family and still struggle to have comfortable communication with them since I got married. Have a wonderful Mother's Day tomorrow, and that is seriously great for you that you can shower and wear makeup--I'm lucky to shower every other day and only wear makeup if I'm in a meeting (sometimes)! :)

P.S. If they think at 5'7" you should be at 130 pounds, they are insane! I am a little shorter than that and cannot imagine being healthy at that weight--I know some women are, but a huge range is healthy for your height.

I have the same weight struggle. It hurts when people try to be "helpful". It is very wounding. I think there is no other way than to be blunt about it and tell them. "Mom, I know I've gained weight and it really does bother me, but BACK OFF! You are really hurting my feelings!
I am a yoyoer. My weight fluctuates in the double digits. I just tell people to love me for me, not my waistline. It is very hard to keep the weight down and I just get burned out. Contrary to what some people believe, I watch my mother eat more than me, eat more junk than me and she weighs 80 pounds LESS than me. In my heart, I do not want to think about what I can and cannot eat the rest of my life. So I eat healthy, try to exercise, and take to heart what my dear friend Heather told me.
"You are a beautiful person. God knew you were going to be this way. He thinks you are beautiful and you are. Accept the way you are now and love yourself."
That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. And I needed to hear it. And I am going to tell it to you.
You do not need to have a 28 inch waist to be beautiful. Be you. Be unashamed and enjoy your life.
Oh and tell your family and friends to ZIP IT!

First of all, 130 would be too low for someone who is 5ft7. Our society has started to think that being unhealthily thin is somehow good or the norm. To be healthy most of us should be at the upper end of what the BMI chart says is our normal, for you around 160. But having an extra 10 or 20 pounds does not make you fat, just curvy :). Even if the weight you have to lose is more than that (I have close to 100 to lose myself), these people should not be saying these things, and should be supporting you as you are, and helping in ways you ask them too, not by putting you down. I would have a serious talk with them. Sit them down and tell them that you are comfortable with who you are, and that if you make a change in weight it will be when and if you are ready. That all they are doing is making you feel depressed and like you do not want to be around them. Tell them they are hurting you, and that if they love you they will stop commenting on your weight or your body.

If it starts up again after the talk, call them out on it every time they do it. Do not stand for it. Hopefully they will get it right with time.

Please read "The Obesity Myth" and on the web check into the movement "Health at Every Size" and Marilyn Wann. I am a slim person myself but I hate fat prejudice. I read this book and now know there is no justification for it. If you eat healthy and exercise, being bigger is not unhealthy for you. Not everybody can be slim. A slim person that doesn't exercise is more unhealthy and will die sooner than a bigger person that exercises. Also, dieting is a good way to gain weight - which is what it does to 95% of the people that try it. Next time they bring up your weight, ask them about their exercise program. lol

Yeah, I have the same problem: skinny, gorgeous mom, sis and grandma. And me needing to lose 40lbs. And them letting me know that at every opportunity. But guess what? That's the ONLY thing wrong with me, in their eyes. I'M the one they all come to for cooking advice, I'M the one they all defer to for parenting/grandparenting advice, I'M the one they all look up to because every other aspect of my life is pretty well-adjusted, they count on me in so many ways and solicit my opinions and help all the time. Their respect and love for me is obvious and reciprocated. My weight is the ONLY thing that they can use to make themselves feel a bit superior sometimes. So although it bugs me, I let it roll of my (soft, squishy) shoulders. I'm perfectly secure and happy with who I am and they can't take that away from me. I "let" them win that little battle, because I know I'll win the war. And I'll lose the weight someday when I have the time to devote to it. Anyone who's ever tried to lose a significant amount of weight knows that it's a 24/7 undertaking. You have to think constantly about eating and working out. It's a struggle and I've been through it before. It's not just a matter of "eat just a bit less, work out just a bit more". People who've never had to lose weight just don't understand. I just don't have the time right now, but I will someday. Like you said, your life is crazy right now, you don't have the time and energy to devote to a weight loss program. So if your mom and sis keep bothering you about it, just tell them to BACK OFF! If being polite doesn't work, get rude! And don't feel bad about it.

I can really relate to your issue but only saw one response that addresses a possible answer. I had extreme difficulty losing weight after the birth of my son. I exercised 1-2 hours a day and couldn't lose a pound. I was also extremely tired but thought that was because I had a baby. I finally had a doctor suggest checking my thyroid levels. Lo and behold, I had an underactive thyroid. It got worse after my daughter was born. Please ask your doctor to check your TSH, T4 and T3 levels. Make sure they tell you the numbers, not just whether they are within the normal range. Mine was at the high end of normal but my doctor started me on medication. It still takes effort but I was able to lose weight. Good luck.

I think you have said it perfectly in this email. I think you can either take the three of them to lunch and then tell them that you are going to say this one time and then you would appreciate not bringing it up again, then proceed to tell them what you said above to us. Or, you can write each of them a letter. Explain to them that you are well aware of your weight and the health issues involved, as you always have been. You appreciate the fact that they are about you but now it has started to hurt your feelings. Tell them that from here on out, you would really appreciate their respect for you if they would not bring up your weight any more. Tell them that their suggestions, comments, and advice are hurtful and if anything, make you gain weight instead of lose weight. Tell them your plan to work on your weight and your health, and that as long as you and your husband have your own way of dealing with this, they no longer need to worry. I am sorry that they are doing this to you. Good luck to you, we all have baby weight! Just be healthy, don't worry about being the 'larger' one in your family, who cares! ;o)

Hi M.,

My brother used to do that to me ALL the time. It's enough to make you scream. At my heaviest I was 130 pounds on a 5'2" frame. My family is small, I felt fat and I guess he picked up on that and ran with it. You've talked nicely to them and they have not relented so now get out the big guns. Tell them that you have been hurt by their comments and they need to stop. PERIOD! If they want to chat about you on the phone to each other then so be it, but leave you out of it. You will lose the weight when you are good and ready and not a minute before. If anything they are discouraging you, so they must not understand how love and caring really works.

Sometimes you have to hit someone between the eyes for them to see the stick. If they still persist then they don't really care about anyone but themselves and you might want to limit your time with them. My husband lost 110 pounds five years ago and has kept it off. The worst thing for people trying to lose weight is stress. The body can't lose weight when it is under attack.

Hope I helped a little and God bless!

M.

U tried to lose weight & could not do it by yourself. U can either joke away their comments & let them know ur husband's opinion is the only one that matters. After the comment about how u still look pregnant, I would've responded, "I might need to make sure I'm not pregnant, bc My husband can't keep his hands off me." The silences will get a little longer!

Or if u do want to lose weight, enlist their help. Say something like,"I am glad u r so concerned. I need $ for a personal trainer, or healthy meal plans, or a babysitter while I am cooking for the week." whatever u need, ask the overly concerned relatives to either put up or shut up.

Good luck!

M.,

I'm sorry to hear about the way your family is treating you. Becoming a mom and facing the changes that come along with the new role are difficult enough without the criticism of family members who think you should be something other than what you are.

I hear in your post the frustration of a person who has had a particular perceived weakness thrown in her face for years on end by people who have no trouble with that perceived weakness. Let me stress here: I'm not saying you have a weakness. Your family's views on body size are incorrect and their treatment borders on cruel. You know this, but you have had them repeat it to you so many times that you're still in some ways trying to meet their expectations.

As someone who has dealt with family issues of this nature (though not the weight comments, thankfully), I appreciate how painful it is to have people you love and respect view you in such a critical manner. Not only do their comments hurt, no matter how nicely said or how well meant, but inevitably, you fall into the trap of viewing yourself the way they view you. The key is learning to care more about what you think about yourself than about what they think of you.

It took me a long, long time to reach a point where I could hear, in particular, my mom's comments and tell myself, "How sad that she can't accept me for who I am." instead of thinking, "She's right! I'm doing such a terrible job. I'm a failure!" If your husband is supportive of you, that can go a long way towards helping you heal from their insensitivity and criticism. But it still takes work on your part to stop viewing yourself in a negative way.

Having said that, if you want to lose weight and know that you will feel better for it, do it because it's best for you, not because you think you will win approval from your family. Best of luck to you!

ug. my MIL is always doing this to my husband. It really hurts his feelings but he doesnt know how to tell her. He, unfortunately, cant go to the gym anymore right now, with his job being what it is, he barely gets to see our daughter, which he hates, but we're doing much better at eating healthier, and it doesnt seem to matter to her. Some people will never be happy with the effort you put into things. I wish I had a way to get them to stop, but as long as you're healthy and happy, just ignore them if you can.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your family. Just pray that the lord binds their mouths on the subject.

In the meantime check out www.sparkpeople.com it is a site that if you are interested in getting started in losing weight it can help get you motivated and give you some tools to use and it is free. You plug in your numbers and then numbers you want to be and it will help you come up with a meal plan and exercise plan.

Good luck....don't let your families words get in the way of your happiness.
Jen

Hello beautiful Mother! Weight is a delicate and very complex issue for many women. Body mass index or BMI is a better indicator of overall well-being than just the numbers on your scale. A BMI of 25 is considered normal and you can google BMI calculator online to put in your current wt. and height to see where you are now. (for example, the ht. and wt. you mentioned of 5 ft 7 in. and 160 lbs. is exactly ONE pound overweight!). If your BMI is higher than that now and you want to lose more and keep it off, I would suggest consulting a professional nutritionist. Some women have great success with joining Weight Watchers, some women change their lifestyle by using the South Beach diet or the Atkins diet. If you choose either South beach or Atkins, buy the book. Getting a list online is not going to work. The books explain glycemic index, carbohydrates and the way to change your nutrition forever, not just a crash diet.
Now, as far as people nagging you, that is never going to help. Even when it is well-intentioned, it can be cruel. Set a boundary, tell them to shut the hell up! (Sorry, I will try not to be angry on your behalf). You have the right to tell people that it is YOUR problem, you are working on it and rather than making you feel worse about it, why don't they support you by celebrating your successes as you lose the extra pounds? Then EVERYtime they bring it up, stand up for yourself and say "I will not discuss this with you, so STOP"
Finally, some of us are just going to be big women. If that is you, accept and celebrate yourself! Be beautiful. Wear bright, big, flowing dresses, good make-up and beautiful jewelery. Most of us buy clothes that are too tight when we are bigger, that is a mistake. It makes us uncomfortable all the time and accents our size. Buy clothes one size bigger than you usually do, if this is the case. Love the body you are in. Get your nails done, grow your hair long, smile ALL the time. I guarantee your son thinks you are beautiful. Happy Mother's Day.
D.
Certified Nurse-Midwife
Athens, Ohio

I don't necessarily think they are being 'helpful'... I think they are concerned about you and want you to be healthy. I have heavier members of my family.. and though I try not to mention ANYthing, I know I have not been perfect and have mentioned some weight loss things that have worked for me (so they could share in my success if they wanted to give it a try). I hope I wasn't offensive... and generally, I don't say ANYTHING unless they start complaining about not being able to lose. I figure if they are complaining then they are looking for solutions and any ideas might be helpful. Otherwise, I don't mention it and they don't either.
But I still worry about them for health reasons. It just isn't healthy.

I would just tell them (were I you) that you know it isn't the ideal, but that is you for now and their comments are neither helpful nor fun to hear; and to please keep them to themselves.. you are aware and don't need to hear it from them. It bothers you, and hearing their comments is destructive not constructive.

Then, if you can, I would consider setting up an appt with your doctor. Maybe you have some hormonal things going on. I don't think it is uncommon for the thyroid to not function exactly normally after a pregnancy. That can definitely affect your weight, despite efforts to lose by dieting or exercise. So please put your health up on the priorities list and at least check to see if everything is okay there. If there is a problem, finding out about it can make your life so much better! If not... then your health at least can give you a little peace of mind. The weight you can deal with later!

hth

Wow, this is a hard one, if you've already told them this bothers you and they don't stop. You could ignore and change the subject? You could say each time "My husband loves me the way I am." and change the subject? You could say "Ouch! That hurts!" and change the subject?

It would be tempting to be mean back, "Thanks for the input, can I tell you where to get a better haircut ;-)" But that usually goes nowhere...

BTW, from your picture, you are a beautiful mom, with a very cute son!

Well thats not very nice!! Im not sure how to deal with that other than saying hey you know when you say that it really hurts my feelings. On that note please go to your doctor and get checked out it sounds like something more is going on if you are working out and its not coming off. I had this problem and found out im pre diabetic. please talk to your doc!

You might want to let your M. and sisters know that their comments bother you. How would they know that it bothers you if you don't tell them? If that doesn't work explain that you would rather look like a woman and not a little boy.

I've struggled with my weight my entire life. My mother made comments growing up and continued into adult hood. I finally found the solution after "nicely" telling her to not do it. When she brought it up, I was very firm and said I am hanging up now because I've told you I don't want to talk about my weight and you are not respecting my request. I think cutting them off and setting a boundary is a firm, yet clear way to do it. Good luck, I know this can be very painful.

I have been able to lose weight and keep it off using biolean. I found this lessened the cravings and helped me be feel full. I've included the link below.
www.wellnessoutlet.net - enter preferred customer code - momma

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First off 160 at 5'7" is a great weight. I bet you are healthy. I am 5'6" and weigh 230 now that is overweight. If the problem is just that you still look pregnant that belly is hard to get rid of. My ob/gyn told me that even if I lose weight I will still have the belly and excess skin. The only way to get rid of it is surgery. I did get down to 175 and she was right the belly and excess skin was still there. I am fortunate that my family does not make comments about my weight except for one aunt and I only see her once a year. I finally told her that every time she commented about my weight I was going to eat a cheesecake and she stopped.