How Many of You Really Dislike Your MIL?

She sounds unappreciative but overall could be worse as you say. Try to focus on her good qualities.

Search one of my past posts where I asked what kind of MIL is best.

I was okay with both of mine (two marriages).

Smart MILs know to be nice...

Not going to address many of the MIL issues, but only offer my two cents about money.

Some people feel rich when they have $1,000 in the bank, others aren't comfortable until they've amassed $1M. Money is strangely not mathematical. It's imbued with feelings such as strength, responsibility, charity, generosity, discipline, love.

Its her money. She can choose to do with it what she wishes. She chose not to give your hubs a dime past 18. She chooses to spend on your hubs siblings. She chooses to accept your husbands gifts and his footing the bill for dinner. She chooses not to gift your daughters, or not to gift them well in your opinion.

If you must, have a frank conversation with your husband re: how you spend your collective money, but don't think that you can dictate how a grown woman spends her own.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Everybody's got stories, and just when you think you've heard the worst one, another one pops up.

My MIL meant well but was clueless. I suffered from infertility, and all through my (finally) miracle pregnancy, she kept talking about her stillbirth. "I lost my twins at 5 months." I had heard this story many times and I absolutely get how devastating it was. When I passed the 5 month mark and got to 6 months, her story suddenly changed to her losing her twins at 6 months.

When I went to the hospital in an ambulance due to a chemical spill getting in my eyes, she kept calling the ER and making them put me on the phone - to tell me how upset my husband was and how I should call him since he couldn't get to me. I had to take a cab home - with chemicals still going through my jeans and burning my skin - and she kept calling the cab company and making them radio the cab to find out when I would get home to take care of my husband.....

A bunch of us were trading MIL stories, and one friend finally said, "My MIL said that I'm not a nice person and that's why I got breast cancer." That shut us all up. My friend died. Not sure how that MIL dealt with it.

So I'd say, you can't control your MIL. All you can do is decide what YOU are going to do. Buy the gifts in her name, don't buy them. Do the dishes, don't do them. Up to you. But if you completely lower your expectations and stop comparing her to your mother, it will help you. You don't want your children growing up resentful or feeling that she doesn't love them. She just doesn't give the way others do.

Forget about her money. My mother gets SS and a pension but it's not very much. And as parents get older and need long term care, it really eats through their nest egg. You'd be shocked at how fast the money goes. I'm going through that now with my own mother and it's enlightening. She's been very generous in the past, but now that I look at things, I'm not sure it was a great decision.

Let your MIL go. Figure out why you are so competitive with her, and know that you will lose this battle if you try to get your husband to turn on his mother. That said, I would set a budget for how much he is going to spend per year (TV sets, dinners for 15) and stick to that. And start squirreling some money away for your kids' education and other expenses, even if it means it's in an account that doesn't have his name on it. If your MIL's financial needs change and your husband starts spending even more, then you will need some cushion for your own kids. That's a wise move.

i'm so lucky, my MIL is a sweetheart. i have the opposite worry with her, they always want to spend more than they can afford. we have to argue with them that the best gift they can get us would be to take good care of themselves and keep themselves financial sound. i assure you, the frustration from the other direction can be equally dire!
it sounds like a lot of your resentment is over money matters, and that your husband spends money on her. it's understandable, but you'd be wise to let it go. cheap or not, she's his mom. it's no good comparing her to yours, she'll never use your mom as a role model. be sweet and accommodating, for your husband's sake. your kids don't need the fancy toys, and you don't need a thank you separate from the one she gives your husband. your resentment, however validated, will never make her nicer or make your husband dislike her, and will only make you unhappy. shrug, smile, and let living well be your best response.
khairete
S.

My first MIL and I were very close until I had my son, and then all h** broke loose. It really damaged my marriage, and while it didn't cause our divorce it certainly didn't help either.

Looking back I wish I'd just let things go more. But I was a young wife, and young mother, and really wanted her approval and love. When I didn't get it I got angry. As we know anger leads to ugliness.

With my 2nd MIL, she goes out of her way to love us unconditionally, which I truly appreciate. But she has always been wracked with anxiety - to the point that it makes it hard for us to have a real relationship. And now, bless her heart, she has a terrible degenerative disease. It's been so hard to witness this vibrant, active lady virtually imprisoned in her own body. :(

I just pray that - if God blesses me with DIL's - that I will always be a source of support, and love. And I pray that I never make my son's lives more difficult.

It's tough. I wish you peace, and grace.

Your MIL is different than your mom.
Mine are really opposites, too.
I find its best NOT to compare them.

Interesting the your observations involve money. If you can afford to be generous, try not to let it bother you when your husband is. He obviously loves his mom. Try it! Stop judging her.

ETA:

After reading your SWH I get that you think your MIL should pick up after herself and pull her own weight when she visits. Some MILs expect that the DIL will wait on them. My MIL pulled that stunt and I told hubby that we would take her to the county hospital for a check up when we came back from visting friends to make sure she was all right. When we got back home she was off the couch and doing things for herself. She was trying to see if I would cater to her and it failed. If is up to her as whether she spends $40 for gifts or 40 days with your kids not you. You have a dream of the perfect MIL and that is not what you got. Money isn't everything and maybe she knows that no one will care for her when she does get old and gray.

Wow. I would love to have a relationship with my DIL but it is like we are from two different worlds. I am not looking for a real mother/daughter thing here as I have my own daughter but I would like to be able to talk and say, "Hi I am thinking about you and how was your day?" and really mean it.
If I call I may get a call back in about three months. So now I don't try because I am not going to bend over backwards for someone who feels it is not necessary to be part of the family.

If and when hubby and I tried to come up (6 hour drive) to see them for Christmas she blew up because we were not "scheduled" on her list of Christmas gifts and food. Son tried to explain that we only wanted to celebrate with the family (her side as well) as a whole and were not interested in gifts. Hell, we could stop by a store and buy a meal and bring it if it meant that. Needless to say they had World War III for over three months before things were "normal" with them.

So be careful of what you ask for. MIL is not mother and should not try to replace. If you have lost your own mom and your MIL is cool it might work out to have a relationship that is mutual.

My MIL is still alive and will be 93 in February and lives two states away. We have very little in common and I do talk with her. Hubby keeps me informed on the happenings with his family.

Don't let money be the tipping point of the relationship. You can't change her so don't try and expend the energy. Know that she is always going to do this and find something good about her that you can enjoy.

The other S.

PS Life is too short to harbor such hatred and envy over a person.

you sound like a spoilled brat....have you seen your mil's checking account or bank statements to see if she really has all that extra money. whether or not she chooses to buy your children anything is her choice!! it's called grow up and get over you spoiled rotten attitude!! just because your family falls all over you doesn't mean every one else will or is going too!! i have the greatest mil and she doesn't have to buy my a thing for me to appreciate her!!!!!!

Your MIL is proud of your hubby. Proud that he's made his own way without her help. She let's him make his own way instead of stepping in and always trying to do things for him. That's what makes her proud.

And your hubby is proud that he can do things for his mom, even if he doesn't NEED him to do those things.

Sounds like she and your hubby have a relationship based on mutual respect. She probably doesn't have that with the other siblings and their families.

She just doesn't see you and your family as being needy like the rest. That is something to be proud of not resent!

Oh Gosh... Deep down I love my MIL and would be upset if something bad happened to her, but dear God!

I know she loves us and she cares for us. She is what I consider to be rich (She denies it. Once had a conversation with her that started with her complaining that the government wanted to tax the rich and how she isn't rich, and ended with her saying how she got a $10,000 CHRISTMAS BONUS... I grew up very poor. I don't think my parent's have ever even had $10,000 in their bank account), and she usually shows her love through her money. We have never asked her for money. EVER. My SIL needed some help money wise after her divorce (With 3 kids) and my MIL STILL makes remarks about that. We weren't going to make that mistake. Still, my MIL has spent hundreds of dollars on clothes for our son, toys for our son, food for our son, etc. She'll just stop by with BAGS full of stuff and say "Oh, I was just at Target...". My MIL gave me so much baby food when Oliver was little that I had a whole cabinet just for the baby food! Well, Oliver didn't like baby food too much. He hated the texture and just preferred to steal my food. So all of the food that she bought me (And continued to buy me even after I told her that Oliver doesn't eat it) just sat there. One of my co-workers had a niece who had just had a baby and I offered to give her all the baby food I didn't use. Well, I brought it to work the next day and started loading it into co-workers car and my co-worker was just sitting there staring at me all wide-eyed. I don't think her niece ever had to actually buy baby food. Lol.

When I got pregnant with Oliver, hubby (Who wasn't even a fiance at that point) was nervous to tell his mom. His sister has 4 kids (And is now pregnant with a 5th) and his mom hasn't approved of any of her pregnancies. The first two pregnancies (One resulting in twins) were with her ex-husband, the last pregnancy was with her new husband (So is this new one). So hubby was really nervous since we weren't even married at the time. He waited until I was 6 months along to tell his mom and at that point I was there forcing him to do it. So we walk into the living room, and tell her the news. We spent about 3 minutes talking about the pregnancy... And then spent the next hour talking about her dream garden (She's a master gardener).

It's always like that. She always wants to talk, but only about stuff that she likes. If you try to talk to her about anything else, she'll just shut you out and change the subject. She is always interrupting people. She always has to be right even if she is so obviously wrong. It's her way or the highway.

My best friend refuses to come to any events where my MIL will be because she can't stand her. My SIL's husband does not allow MIL in his house. He will gladly bring the kids to her house to visit or she can pick them up at his house and wait in the car. But she is not allowed in his home. Why? Because everything he does is wrong. Everything in their house is wrong. He got sick of being told that and now she's isn't welcome there.

Oh there are so many more stories. If only I had the time

Pick your battles. Gifts or no gifts, dinners and thank you's would not be worth it to me to be as upset as you seem. She's not a reciprocator. So what! She doesn't give great gifts. Oh well, donate them. She uses your husband. That's your husband's fault and you should take that up with him, and not blame it all on her. He enables her, so that's a discussion for HIM.

I'd be more concerned and upset if she was manipulative and deceitful like mine can be. Especially if and when it came to the children. You can talk bad about me, but my kids? Be prepared for battle lady, and I don't care that you're my husband's mother...

Life is too short. Make sure your battles are worth it.

We get along just fine. She lives close (at least for the next two weeks until we move), but never visits. Everything is on "her terms", which I have come to expect, so I have set my limits. I always invite/include her in the kids' events, concerts, games etc and invite her to the house for "minor holidays" (Halloween, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, etc). She never comes, but I always invite. She will invite us to her home and we go when we can. This is how she grew up... the "kids" brought the "grandkids" to the grandparents, not the other way around. Today with both parents working, that's not as easy, but it's just not how she has framed things. I can get upset or get over it. I chose to get over it!

The bigger issue here is why your husband keeps buying her things. Why in the world did he buy her a t.v.?

Your family vs. his family... you don't like the way "they" do things and he may not like the way "your family" does things. So... figure out what works for your little family and let the rest of it go.

I get very frustrated with my MIL. She speaks with out a filter or a brain if you ask me.

Here are a few of my favs.
1. We told her we were having my daughter, well that I was pregnant. 30 seconds later.. she said I dont know why you are having another one, you can not take care of the one you have. ..... What? She has NEVER paid a dime. she does not babsit often. my son is 4 and she has watched him maybe 4 times. She had watched my daugthter once.. and she is 18 months old.
(mind you she lives less than 5 mins away) ..
2. My son is sensory- which is where she thinks we can not take care of him because she has never met a child like him .., yadda yadda.. yes, he is a handful, but in the past month or so since changing his diet.. things are sooooo soooo sooo much better. Last week a few things came to lite with our nanny and we have decided that we are going to fire her and replace her with somone esle. So My BIL said that after this week Thrusday he can watch him until we find somone new.. She says to him.. you know that he is not normal... My BIL said.. MOM it is fine.. all is fine.. But noo she wants to talk him out of watching him because SHE is incabable of Discpline. Which is where she has issues with my little guy, he is a button pusher and a limit pusher.. and if you don;t have them defined.. well the joke will be on you.

3. Last christmas eve, they invited us over for dinner. I explained that we had church at 2 pm and we would go there after. By the time we got there .. we had cold ham, .. all the potatoes , veggies, bread .. were gone. Then. my son can not have chocolate or foods with Dyes.. Her 5 desserts .. NOT one was acceptable for my son. ( We had the sense to get him an apple pie and icecream before we went there. This year we have the added Gluten Free label for my little guy and my husband can not figure out why I DONT want to go.

4. Thanksgiving this year. My MIL set up tables in her living room. Put my daughter chair in the kitchen. I spent the entire dinner standing next to my daughter.

Clearly my MIL does not think. She has had to file bankruptancy because she has no discppline..

Hi J.. I won't bash you. My issues with my MIL are different. My husband's mother and stepfather are retired and comfortable financially, give the kids (teens) nice gifts, send them money, always pick up the tab if we go out to eat. For the past 12 years, they've lived in North Carolina and are typically once a year grandparents - so many people would feel that I have no right to complain.
MIL and I hashed it out but good 10 years ago, we didn't speak for about a year after that. I guess she always assumed her DIL would look up to her as a mentor and want to do everything her way and be best friends. She is very judgemental - anything that we don't do her way or that she does not agree with, she assumes that I pressured her son into doing my way. She feels she can judge when she sees us all of once a year. Her life is all about having a beautiful home and a husband (she's had five of them. Well, maybe only 4 since husband #2 and #3 were the same guy). She thinks the most important things in life are being thin and setting a beautiful table and serving coffee to men. That's her choice and if that's what makes her happy, fine, but my values and priorities are different. She tells herself stories in her mind about people and then behaves as if those stories are true. She does things that are presumtuous (like give guests a tour of my house) or things that are just dumb (like asking my daughter when she was grade school age what size clothes her little brother wore because she would never ask me - couldn't admit that I knew more about my kids than she did) or passive-aggressive like pick out clothes for the kids for Christmas and tell me that if anything needs to be exchanged she has the gift receipts and to just ask for them - not sparing my teen the embarrassment of grandma knowing that she didn't like what grandma chose for her. This is the same grandma who told my daughter once, "Well, isn't life all about looking pretty?"
Every time she speaks to my daughter (17), she asks what she weighs. She would never think of herself as a racist, but she makes comments that are just not acceptable and it's made my daughter not like her so much. Really, I could go on and on, but this isn't my vent and I'm already not looking forward to their holiday visit.

Hmmm
With my ex and his mom, we were close to an extent but I had the unhealthy competition too somewhat, after my daughter was born. only because they created it (his dad said my ex would always love his mom more than M. or my daughter to my face). my ex would choose his mom every time even if he sided with M. because as he said he knew I'd J. take it.

anyway as years went on i realized to let go of issues i had competition wise and even in regards to her personality because we're all flawed. she was labeled a narcisict by my ex's therapist and ehhh we're all messed up. i love her she;s still my family, and all of my nieces and nephews from my ex's side are too.

you should let go of the competition and look at it diferent.

would you be proud of a man who didnt make sure his mom was taken care of? if the money isnt the issue, are you J. upset he thinks of her (gets her AC) ? afterall he is teachng your children how to teach you.
he chooses you for life. there is no competition, you're his wife, she's his mom, someone who held him when he was sick, raised him and so on...there's no comparrison. two diferent kids of love

sure she's quirky, but laugh at the quirks...afterall its not like she lives around hte corner

My mil problems are based More on how she favors her daughter over my amazing sweet husband, her son.

They even went to her therapist, where she admitted that " moms are always closer to their daughters" but the therapist told her "actually , no that is not true. Moms may have favorites, but usually never admit it".

This was when my husband felt this was fine,, but when mil NEVER attended any of our daughters school events in all of the years.. Even though we all live in town....but she attended the grandsons school events all of the time...I again began to not be pleased.. I had always sent out the school schedules of events at the beginning of the school year. I sent up dates...I sent announcements..but there was always an excuse.

The final nail...our daughters high school graduation. Our daughter has always been an exceptional student and artist. She was to be recognized for all of her accomplishments...mil did not want to attend.

SIL wanted to host an event for our daughter, but daughter was too busy at this point, also is very shy and her friends a bit quirky.. SIL is a country club girl and got her feelings hurt so she and mil told me, they would not attend, because we had never included them in anything!

We planned a party that all of the family, friends, teachers...were invited to.
Even though mil said she and SIL said they wanted to help...I tried to include them, but they were not interested in any of the plans or suggestions. They told me they had prior plans and would not attend.I was then done with them.

I wrote them a letter telling them after 30 years of their mistreatment of my husband.. And now their mistreatment of our daughter, I no longer would stand by and be witness to their behaviors.

And so I no longer participate in their reindeer games. The sad part is, I had hid these behaviors from our daughter, but she was very aware of how awful they are, I did tell you she is very intelligent.

Once it was time for the college graduation.. You should have heard the excuses.. I just laughed.. My husband put his foot down and told his mom, to suck it up. She was attending no excuses would be accepted..after not speaking with her in 4 years she joined us at the most amazing mind blowing graduation event.. And I was able to be smug and proud, that our daughter had surpassed anything that family had ever imagined..

She knows darn well, she has underestimated my husband and our daughter.. It is her loss...
I still do not speak with them. They have not changed..

I never met my MIL. She is dead.

You should not be competing with her, you should be trying to have a relationship with her and encouraging your children to have a positive relationship with her.

Your children see how their grandparents are treated by you and your husband. This is the model you are setting up for the way they will treat you when they are married and you are aging.

It appears that you are overly concerned with tit for tat regarding money and you are upset that she is financially ok when you have treated her on occasion. So do you now think she shoud roll our her wallet everytime she sees you coming?

It also sounds like you need someone to just learn to let the words "thank you" roll off their tongue like a habit when they are around you so you feel validated. I have a relative like this... No matter what the conversation, thank you just rolls off my tongue when I am finished with a statement, meal, anything. She caught on when I thanked her for something really stupid once.... a glass fell and broke and as I was cleaning it up myself, I said thank you. She looked puzzled but then in clicked. She just needs to hear Thank you and be praised 100+% of the time.

I am sure you are a very good mom and wife. Focus on that and stop competing which makes you look bad in your children's as well as everyone else's eyes.

I did not mean this to come across as a bash.... I made my remarks based on my gist of your post.

***************************************************
I will never forget this true story below................

I have an ex-friend who called me once and was SO excited because her MIL "finally died" and they were looking forward to some inheritance. Within the month, my ex-friend's 14 yr old daughter was killed in a car accident

***********************************************
I don't understand why you chose Kellie B to be the one to bash in your SWH. Your SWH pretty much makes her point. You are resentful that your MIL has any financial security. Affluent in your eyes could be totally different in someone else's eyes. It depends on how you define affluent.

Oh my gosh...it's as if I've written this!! My MIL is a back-stabbing, self-centered, etc., etc.!!!!!

When I first met her I thot she was the sweetest thing - well, I learned very quickly she's on this earth for herself and no one else!!! If there isn't something in it for her (or her husband) they will have nothing to do with it. They've never helped us with anything - either emotionally or financially. They are VERY well off (yes, I know this as fact!) and yet she acts as though they are dirt poor.

My parents on the other hand were not well off but yet they were ready to help out in a heart beat whether it was with money, emotionally or just give of their time! They were wonderful!!!

Just an example of my MIL - she and her daughter had some type of argument the week before her wedding - my MIL throws the wedding dress out in the yard!!! Who the heck does that!!!

Another: I find out almost 10 years into our marriage that she had blamed me all that time for her other son not being invited to our wedding! I had NOTHING to do with it!!! My husband didn't want him there so he wasn't invited. I had no idea she had been holding a grudge so long and then one day she screams it out to my husband! Needless to say, we were shocked!

As for gifts - my in-laws are the same way. They could EASILY afford nice gifts but yet they give ALL family members crappy stuff. Most the time we just give the stuff to Good Will, etc., because she conveniently never saves any of the receipts. And my husband does the same as yours - he spends more on her than anyone else (including me) at Christmas (even tho everyone agrees to a budget) knowing full-well, she could afford stuff on her own. She started putting together a set of very expensive dishes last year - yep, sure enough, my husband goes out and buys some of the plates. She could easily afford to just buy the whole freaking set in one shopping trip but no, she'd rather beg for the pieces and act like she can't afford them.

In the almost 20 years we've been married, they've taken us out to a restaurant ONE time!!! And of course, it was for my MIL's birthday!! My parents on the other hand were always treating us to a meal. And meals at my in-laws are very similar to yours - always just something thrown together, never planned, etc.

They know we're struggling right now - husband laid off for awhile, trying to play catch-up, etc. - but have they offered to help? NO!!! I wouldn't take anything from them anyways, but the offer would at least be nice! They are so petty - like last year, we were invited to an out-of-state wedding. The kids and I couldn't go (nor did we want to) but my husband wanted to go. So he went with his parents - yep, you could figure they split everything in half - not even in thirds - right down to the very penny!!!! My parents would have NEVER done that - that would have paid for the whole thing!!!

Well, thank you for letting me vent - now I'm missing my parents more than ever!!!

To answer your question....I am one that REALLY dislikes my MIL!!! Now I'll wait for your FIL question!!! lol!!!

Please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but your entire post seems focused on what your MIL does and doesn't buy for you (collectively). I get that you come from a family where people put time and effort into giving each other lovely gifts as an expression of love, and that's wonderful, but it may not be fair to expect your MIL to compete on that field. She could have made a conscious decision to raise her children nonmaterialistically. She could be budgeting her resources to help with her other children who have mental health issues. Or, who knows, she could be a selfish, ungiving tightwad and all that. But I'd respectfully suggest that you look past the frustration of her not expressing love through gifts and think about the possible reasons behind it.

My own MIL is incredibly well-meaning, and I'm truly grateful for it, BUT, there is something innately grating about that relationship. I find that I can value and cherish her from a distance, but when she's right there, talking widdle bitty cutesy wutesy baby talk to my 6-year-old, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard for me. Mine IS neurotic about money, but for a reason. She came from what was originally a wealthy family, but they lost their fortune in the Great Depression, and she was born into poverty (or what felt like poverty to her parents). Her own mother had a lot of mental health issues as a result, and there was no good treatment for said issues at the time. So, MIL is terribly anxious about spending anything, and will do things like drive clear across town (spending $5-$10 dollars of gas) to save 30 cents on some canned food that she doesn't even want or need. I wonder if your MIL might come from a similar generation and have similar issues.

You lost me completely at, "...I couldn't care less if she buys me anything but she often doesn't even get our kids anything. If she does, it's some $10 item."

It doesn't matter how much she makes. Your husband should never, ever have told you his mother's private financial information.

A good grandparent isn't determined by how much she spends on her grandchildren. It's how much she loves them and how well she treats them. I don't count gift-giving in my checklist of how well someone treats their grandchildren, for the record. I count how loving she would be when they spend time together.

She could very well be "a saver." Depending on how she grew up and/or her early adult life she may be living frugally for very good reasons and saving up so that her children don't have to pay for nursing care later in her life nor for a funeral and other associated costs.

I can't comment on worse stories because I really like my MIL.
It might help that she lives out of the country. :)
L.

Sounds to me like you need to have a talk with hubby. I'd be pissed if my hubby was buying TVs and things for his parents without consulting me.

It also sounds to me like they (hubby and MIL) have a lot of emotion built into this way of doing things. Hubby is the responsible and successful one, so to prove it, he spends on mommy. Mommy then plays her part in this and lets him take care of her.

I'd give hubby a good kick and say "stop spending our money on your mother!" She is a grown adult, let her pay for her expenses, and let's put our surplus into college funds and retirement!

I can't wait to live hours away from my MIL in another state...

I don't dislike her. Actually, we used to be quite fond of each other. But things changed when hubby made a decision she didn't like. Things have never been the same since.

What irks me the most is that she'll bring my daughters these crappy dollar store junk toys... instead of just spending time with her granddaughters. The last time she came over one toy she bought was broken by the end of the day. My kids are 1 and 2. They throw things. But of course she knows nothing about them because her other grandchildren get all of her time and focus.

I loved my MIL very much and miss her more than my own mom.

Did we argue or fight much? No, she was too much of a lady. But she always said that if people didn't ever fight then they were boring. If everyone was exactly the same they would dry up and blow away.

She was one smart lady. I wish your relationship could be better. I am noe of those that would just go sit down and leave the stuff for those who expect me to clean up after them. Or I'd find something to do that made it where I had to leave right after the meal was done, like the mall was closing in an hour and I just had to get there for something or the kids really want to go to that store and it closes in an hour, gotta get out of your hair so you can clean, be back later...

I'm not as nice as you. She should appreciate all that you do for her.

I don't hate my MIL. She does things that are uncalled for but I don't think there is anything she could do to make me stop talking to her. The In-Laws are very cheap but I'm thinking my MIL may not have had a lot of money growing up so shes being frugal.
In my opinion, and don't take this the wrong way but I don't think you should expect guests to help clean up even if they are your in-laws. Although i wouldn't complain if they just voluntarily did.

yea - not a big fan of mine either though no outrageous stories. Like yours, mine just doesn't do much for anyone but herself. I'd be mad too if my husband bought this expensive stuff for his mother without discussing it with me ahead of time unless maybe I was living off his extreme wealth and getting my nails done every day so should keep my mouth shut. I don't think that's your situation. Not sure your only complaint is the money thing which some people focus on. You said it'd be fine if she did stuff with the kids instead but doesn't. So figure it's a losing battle as I don't think any guy will really write off his mother unless she was abusive. I think Cheryl is right too and you also kind of said that your husband enjoys or is proud he can do things for her. I don't think that makes it right to spend your money without talkign to you, especially when she doesn't need the help, and I'd thnk she'd have more pride in herself than accept these things but hopefully your vent got it out of your system some.

eta: reading again, you say clearly you know her $ and she can live until she's 100 very comfortably and still have some leftover so I guess she's just cheap. Funny as a friend was complaining about HER MIL but said how at least she's not cheap as despite little money, she's good to her daughter in terms of giving her a $5 bill often which gets her daughter all excited. Cheapness is my friend's pet peeve. And I could never accept expensive gifts when I wasn't reciprocating somehow. Not tit for tat or $1 for $1 necessarily but also not so grossly one-sided. If i couldn't give small gifts, I'd would DO something to help in another way. Some people are just takers and it sounds like she's one of them. Sure she has a right to spend her money as she pleases but then you should have that right too and your husband shouldnt be spendign so much money when you dont want to. Some people say you don't have that right?

I LOVE my MIL, but very often I don't LIKE her. She's very controlling, has to have everything JUST SO to impress her friends. We used to be "invited" to get togethes so that we could wait hand and foot on her friends and show off our kids like they were trophies.

I could go on for days....about lots of things she does that drive me crazy. However she does lots of good things for us too. I try to keep that in perspective.

My advice is... accept that she is the way she is. You cannot change her. How you react and deal with her is the only thing you can change. She is not your parents and comparing them is pointless. Save yourself the heart ache and let it go. Decide on boundaries, what you will and won't do/put up with etc with your hubby and do it.

HTH

Have two daughter in laws. If you ask one,nshe would say I am the best. We have a great relationship. We babysit the little one who is six months old. We have the utmost respect for her and my son. If she asks for my opinion on something we discuss it. She lost both her parents. One when she was 11 the other 12. She thinks she hit the jackpot with us. I love her so much. A very sweet girl. Now for the other one. If you asked her about me, she would say I am the worst ever. I have no idea why. We were good friends for 6'years. She asked me to help with all the wedding plans because she worked full time and had two children. I did what she asked.
Wedding was great. I was like her wedding planner but that is what they wanted. They come back from honeymoon and treat us, excuse the expression, like dog vomit. She gets pregnant I think it will change. Nope. Saw grandson three times in 2 1-2 years. Her mother was very threatened by us. Son and DILwould be living 6 miles from us. Actually her mother told me that her daughter did not need me for anything. Oh ok. Second baby born and her mother will not watch 2 five days a week so she makes nice. I am Pollyanna and want to see my grandsons so we agree to sit a few days a week. All seems ok. Other son and DIL get pregnant. Very happy for them. DIL won't acknowledge because she had a miscarriage. Fast forward to DIL baby shower she does not come. My son calls as shower is starting. I did not think she would come. So I just said ok to my son. He then several days later told me he knew I was mad, which I was not, he said things. And we have not seen them since April 27. So here you have one MIL and two different relationships. Then again she used to tell me she hated her ex MIL. Life is too short for this. We miss our grandsons so much. She will not let us see them. My son is being just as bad. Oh she also stopped talking to my other kids. My son has me er seen his six month old niece. Go figure. If anyone can figure it out please do tell me. I think I am very fair. My kids were always best friends until she turned on everyone in April!!!

Is your husband her firstborn?