How Many Moms of Toddlers over 40? - Petaluma,CA

I was 42 when my last was born.

Making friends at any age takes time and patience and interest and mutual respect. There will be younger moms who enjoy your elderly company :) I promise.

I'm now 55 and I'm tired All. The. Time.

I babysit my granddaughters everyday. They are 2 and 3 1/2. Some of my new awesome friends are the nursery school Moms. We do things with the kids and without. I always tell them it's ok if they don't want to hang with a 65 year old, I understand. Their reply is we don't think of you as a grandma, you are one of us! Yes I also have my dear friends my age. It's a great mix for me. You need to put yourself out there. Chat with everyone, suggest doing things with the kids.

First off, give yourself some credit for being an older parent as it were and what I like to call a more "apparent parent".... that said, I had my son when I was 37 and MOST everyone else was in their lates 20s or early 30s.. honestly, I never felt like I had anything in common with them.. It seemed like they would be discussing the most mundane superficial things.. like, what time does your baby go to bed or I can't get my child to stop running around.. when DUH.. that is what kids do.. they like to run around..
Anyway, I never joined any groups and the notion of a "playdate" sounded so stupid to me.. I mean, play time now had to be scheduled.. In my case, I elected to get out there with my son and walk and run... I took him to the park and IF the kids wanted to play and the "moms" wanted to talk, then so be it. if not, who cares... I took my son all over the city... we went to different parks, museums, the ocean and basically bonded... Oh sometimes I thought, it might be fun to have a mom close in age (or even younger one) to come with us, but honestly, I didn't miss it that much... nor did my son..
in your case, you may have to just get out there and do things on your own.... if you meet someone along the way, cool.. if not, don't sweat it... your child will still be ok and so will you... they grow up so fast that to some degree, I never regretted it being just my son and I for the most part... Now, he's in High School and is so busy... Oh, and elementary, I was the oldest mom there as well.... again, I didn't mind.... There were one or two moms that I connected with , but once my son started High school, those went by the wayside... but it's ok. again, use this time to really bond with your child. .if you make a friendship along the way, great..if not, that's ok.. you will down the road.. once your child gets into Kinder.. then you can refocus your energy on friendships.. for now, you may have to be content with it being just you and the kids.. and honestly, I don't see that as a bad thing.. I see that as being GREAT.. it was in my case.. but whatever you end up doing, I wish you all the best..

As you say in your SWH, when you are in the trenches of toddlerhood, it is very hard to make connections. I don't think it's a matter of age. I think it's more about time and energy. And, even in those groups, it's hard to have real conversations when every 90 seconds, someone is interrupted due either by a kid needing something, or having to jump up to keep a kid from misbehaving.

I found that the only thing that helped me is time. Now that my older (age 9) plays a sport and has been playing with the same kids for a few years AND my younger is old enough that I can actually sit with the other parents and talk to them while he runs off and plays independently, I'm finally getting to know some other moms through that.

Have patience, and give it time.

At some point we think that just being a parent is enough common ground to foster a friendship.
It sometimes works that way.
But relationships are complex - especially as the kids get older - and when kids change schools or move (parents get a new job elsewhere) - these relationship seldom last.
It's not strictly an age thing.
As the kids get older, you learn that other parents are not necessarily your friend or have YOUR kids best interest at heart.
Like when other parents don't care if their kids take up smoking, or let them drink alcohol at home, or are ok with co-ed slumber parties into their teens or are ok with their kids being sexually active.
Being a parent is very special - but you need to keep your own interests - because meeting people with common interests to your own - THESE are the friendships that will last long after your kid(s) have left for college.
You and your kids friends parents are ships that pass each other and eventually you are out of each others lives.
Just expect it and enjoy the ride in the mean time.

I experienced the same thing you are. I had my first at 36 and my second at 40. I had lived in a metropolitan city and then moved to a small town. I was pretty much the norm in the city.

First day of kindergarten with my daughter and was asked if I was her grandmother. OUCH! Most of the parents where I live now start having babies in their early 20's or before.

What has worked best for me is to just be who I am. I find kindness is appreciated by all moms of all ages. See if your town has a library hour or a Tuesday/Thursday school. I made friends at those places. I volunteered as a substitute teacher for Tuesday school.

Blessings!

I had my 2nd child at age 39, so I can relate! It almost always feels like I am the older mom in any group of moms. Right now my daughter is 6 and I am almost 45. All her friend's moms are in their late 20s or early 30s! I do things with these other moms all the time, but you are right in that it's harder to click with people who are 10 or more years younger than you are! As far as meeting more people for you to connect with...you just have to be involved with your children's school, volunteer at school and for activities, and join as many activities as you can fit in. When my daughter was a toddler her brother was in school and we went to the free toddler music session at the library, the nature time at our local nature center, moms club meetups, and I joined a mom hiking group. Once I made friends with someone I invited them over the next week one morning for coffee and for the kids to play. It was a good way to get to know them better.

I'm almost 44, my youngest will be three.

I'm a sprightly lady,but man do I feel old some days chasing my toddler.

I have a hard time connecting. It doesn't help that I'm an ex-academic, so I tend to potificate from time to time 😀 I'm fortunate that I'm urban enough that I do have a bunch
of friends that are my age. Of course their youngest is like 7, but it kind of works.

I started a book club and I'm fortunate to say that three of us are about the same age with kids close in age. This helps. They get old TV references and things. It keeps me sane. Try a meetup group.

I had my one and only at the age of 44. Actually there are quite a few other parents who are older at my dd's school. To answer your question, I used to meet tons of people at the toddler story time at our local library.
I continued to run into the same people when my dd started school. Also check with your local rec center, they usually have mommy and me classes.

Been there! Our son (first child) was born when I was 37 and our daughter (second and final child) was born when I was 40. They're now 13 and 10 respectively, so I can assure you that there is life on the other side of toddlerhood :) We were and are living in a smaller rural city in the South, so we are definitely older than the average parent in the area. The saving grace has been that I'm working full time at a college where our kids go to school, so many of the parents are also professionals and closer to our age and experiences. We have found some people whom I'm simpatico with, though I don't spend enough time nurturing those relationships so they move beyond friendliness to actual friendship. I don't have much advice to offer other than encouragement to make time for activities/people which feed the non-parent part of yourself. It's hard to do, however it's important. Also, remember that this time will pass and more space will open up for you. Enjoy too!

most of the connections i made when my kids were small were exactly for what you describe here- convenience for the kids. it was fine, we got along and it was great for the kids, but almost none of them became long-term friendships.
i think so long as you keep your expectations realistic and your connections light (at least unless they spontaneously deepen) you'll find the right people so long as you keep doing what you're doing. just keep in mind that you're not so much looking for bosom companions for yourself, just nice enough folks who have nice kids with whom your little one can enjoy light playtime.
honestly, kids this age are still mostly in parallel play mode anyway, aren't they? it feels nice to US to have the laughter and running around together, but she's not really old enough for the deep 'let's pretend' games or cooperative play that will come along later. so if you're taking her to the park or on bike rides or story time at the library, i'm sure she's happy and not being deprived of other kids.
hang in there! it will happen!
khairete
S.

Are there any toddler classes, like gymnastics, or basic tumbling? Maybe a Little Gym? Do you attend a church? Try these, even if they aren't your first choice. There are plenty of people who try church once they have children.

I am a grandparent raising grandchildren. I am 56 now. I was 42 when we got our first grandchild full time. We didn't get guardianship until she was a little older then we got her and her 5 month old brother too. Yeah!

It is very hard to understand what you're going through unless you see the situation for what it is and how an older parent actually has more in common with other grandparents, developmentally/life stage wise.

I suggest you don't give up. But there isn't any reason you can't be friends with other moms that are younger, it might be that you'll be bored out of your gourd in the first 5 minutes though. I have gone to play dates with the kids and everyone was talking about getting babysitters and going to a wild concert put on by some band I'd never heard of. I felt like the great grandma in the group. They were all students while their husbands went off to work to make bunches of money that they were going to spend on the next season's cute clothes. O M G! It wasn't fun.

My best friend, for a long long time, had kids right about the same age as my grand kids. We are members of the same church but she is inactive. She was married nearly the entire time we were friends. She is divorced now and has gone off the deep end. He was horrible to her and crushed her. I don't know if she'll ever recover but him? He is truly an evil hearted person.

Our lifestyles were completely different even though we had similar incomes. I struggled to pay bills and have some money put back for emergencies. She blew money like crazy, she saw stuff, she went "Ohhhh, how cute" and bought stuff and more stuff. She went to school and it was fun, not necessarily to get an education but to have something to do. I loved her dearly but I just couldn't stand going to the grocery store with her. She'd fill 2 baskets with "healthy" junk foods and charge it all. I'd be lucky to spend $30 to fill in the groceries we had at home in our remaining food storage. I always felt like I was the mother figure to her teenager life.

I have to admit that I am a lot more drawn to my grandparents raising grand kids friends, there were several my age with new born babies and toddlers too. One of them was a working lady one day and the next day her 20 something son died from the flu and his wife had left the hospital after the baby was born a few months before. She had to file for guardianship of the kids and before she could adopt them she had to jump through hoops to try and find the mom. Never found. It's been 5 years now and my friend is still taking care of her 4 grand kids and is going to adopt them as soon as the law will allow her to do so. They have never seen the mom again. No one can find her anywhere via her SS# or her name or any other name they can think of. She is barely 50 now. The youngest started kindergarten this year.

Our kids/grand kids have grown up together. I have more in common with them socially and we are all going through the same thing. Parenting kids and still having our lives. Most of our group are under 55. Very few are great grandparents raising their great grand kids but a few are.

So please don't think I'm telling you to go find some grandparents to hang out with, I'm simply saying that sometimes people our age or a little older make good friends too.

Find some Buddy classes you can go to with your little one. The Y has open swim most days from noon - 2pm. That could be something really fun for you. Go at 10, leave her with the sitters, go work out, then go get her and go play with her in the water for a couple of hours.

Sign up for mommy and me classes at the art center, a local dance studio or gymnastics, find some things you can do together and by participating in these activities you will find other people who are hopefully looking for the same things you are, friendship and socialization opportunities for the little kiddos.

;

I can definitely relate to your feelings - I am in the same boat! - I didn't marry until I was 36 and had my first child at 37, second at 40, and now third this past year at 44. I didn't plan to be a mature Mom - just got married later than most and unfortunately experienced several miscarriages while trying to grow our family. I wouldn't change my boys for anything - they are precious and I love them dearly. However, I do wish it wasn't quite so difficult to feel like I "fit in" at Mom's groups, etc. Much like you, I made a few friends when I had my first son but now I have found it much more difficult with the younger two kids, plus, I am so much busier with 3 kids that I probably don't overextend myself or put too much effort into the search. I was actually thinking of starting a "mature Mom's" group up on Meet-up. As so many of the responders pointed out, it is best to keep in mind that socializing with Moms of kid friends is usually rather temporary and probably best to search for connections based on your own interests. I have been working a per diem weekend job for the past few years so that I could stay home with my kids, however, I think when the baby turns pre-school age (3 y/o) I will be returning back to a "normal" work position (weekdays) to fill some of this void and give him a ready made chance to socialize with other children in a daycare setting. Good luck! I so can relate to how you are feeling! PM me if you ever want to chat!