How Does Three or Four Year Separation Between Children Work?

Don't worry about the age separation. I too, had a misscarriage between my first two children so they are three and half years apart. They do play with each other and have what I consider to be a normal sibling rivalry. Six years after having my second child, I got pregnant with my third. Though the first and the third are ten years apart, all three can be caught playing nicely with one another.

I too, wanted my children closer in age but as I tell my kids, 'You get what you get and you don't complain.'

I think 3-4 years is a very nice age spacing. My kids are just a little less than 3 years apart (I think 3.5 years might have been a bit better). At 2 and almost 5 they are just starting to play together well.

Age difference is not the whole story. My sister is 4 years, 9 months younger (she was born the day I started Kindergarten). I resented her when she was a baby but we eventually got along better and are pretty close now. My husband and his brother are 16 months apart and he has not seen or heard from his brother in about 15 years. My friends (2 sisters) who got along best as kids are 3.5 years apart.

My daughter is 5 years older she is 8 now and my son 3. They play a lot together. Watch TV together, they learn all they have is each other when it comes down to having a playmate so they adjust. Its not perfect all of the time cause the little guy needs to share more but again they work it out or I do. LOL It will be fine. :) My brother is 9 years older then I and I love him to death, we call each other everyday just to say hi. I think its about the family and how you are brought up. With LOVE :) :) :)

how about 9 years? With one miscarriage & the loss of our daughter during heart surgery.....that's what we ended up with!

My sons are 14 & 23. They are close, they have never had issues with the age difference. My sister's kids are 14, 18, & 23......& again - no issues. It's all in the attitude, it's all in just simply accepting & embracing what you've been given. It's all about teaching your children to embrace differences & diversity. I cherish my memories of herding my younger son at my older son's sports games! Peace!

i can totally relate to you. i have three little ones now, and we tried to space them two years apart. i lost one between my first to children(boys), and they ended up being almost exactly three years apart. i lost two between my second and third children(third was a girl), and they ended up being about 3 years and 2 months apart. my boys are absolutely best friends at 5 and 8, and they both dote on their baby sister who is almost 2. i think it's all in how they are taught to interact with and respect each other, not necessarily the amount of months between them. good luck and don't stress about how much time - you will love ALL your kids no matter the timing, and they will all love having siblings - and remember, no matter the age difference, you really can never predict the relationship between them!

My brother and I are 4 years apart and probably got along better than if we were closer in age - we had separate friends and separate interests and that probably kept us from butting heads all the time. We are still really tight with each other now. On the other hand, my stepsons are only 13 months apart, are now in high school, and have NEVER gotten along.

My feeling is that siblings being close with each other has more to do with personalities and how their parents treat them as individuals than birth spacing. Whatever kids you have, don't compare them to each other and don't expect one to be like the other, and hopefully they won't end up resenting each other like my stepsons seem to do.

There is no "ideal" - I am sorry for the miscarriages you've had, but don't get more depressed thinking that somehow you have missed out on "perfect". There is no "perfect", there's just life, and sometimes life doesn't go the way we expect it, and we need to adjust our expectations accordingly. Your kids will still love each other no matter what the age gaps are.

I am so sorry you have had to go through miscarriages. They are so hard. I was in the same mind frame as you not to long ago. I had a miscarriage and I was going to have more of an age gap than I wanted. I was really struggling with my loss for the baby and the loss of MY plan. Well, my youngest is now 5 months and my oldest is 4 years. We have a 4 year and 3 day age gap and I couldn't LOVE it anymore!!!! I am so pleased with the way it has turned out! My son is CRAZY about his brother and is so understanding when the baby needs something and loves to help out. It has just been beautiful. No jealousy, no acting out. Having two is hard but not as much when the first can be so independent and understanding. I really would not change a thing if I could. I hope you can find some peace and I really do understand where you are at right now.

so sorry about the miscarriages. that's hard. :( and sad.

i have a 2 year gap between my oldest and a 3 year gap between the youngest. as a mom i prefer the 3 year gap because having a baby with a three year old was so much fun. my 3 year old was into dollies so having a real baby was really fun and exciting for her. and she was independent enough to do things on her own while i took care of the baby, so it was much less stressful for me.

i think a relationship between siblings is more about encouraging them to play together, care about each other, and do things together, than age.

My sister and I are pretty close now and there's a 5 year age difference. She was my little doll when she was a baby, we hated each other as teenagers, and now we love each other. My mom and her sister are 3 years apart and hate each other. It depends on the personalities of the kids. My mom is like her dad and could care less about family, while my sister and I both are very family oriented.

My husband and his older brother are 5 years apart and they've always loved each other, never went through the teenage weirdness stage. It really just depends on the personality of the kids, I think.

If you foster loving relationships, and dont favor one child over the other (that was my mom's MO) you're children should be fine with the age difference.

I don't think age really has as much to do with it as how you raise them and who they are as people. Some siblings are naturally close and others, while close in age, don't have much to do with each other.

I also had miscarriages and I feel your pain. Don't add to it by worrying about the age thing. My girls are 9 years apart and are great friends and always have been. So I personally don't think age matters one bit.

My sonsa are 4 years apart and then I had my daughter....so my oldest and her and 6 years apart and only 2 years between the youngest...they are all very close....it's how you raise your kids and the values of togetherness you teach...not age!

My first two are 4 years apart and then my 3rd came 3 years later. It has worked out great. The 1st two play together and hardly fight. The 3rd is only 2 months but already the big 2 want to help take care of her. Dont worry...when they get a bit older 3 years difference means nothing. Good luck!

I'm so sorry for your loss, you must be very stressed right now. Personally the age gap between my brothers and I (5 and 4 years) didn't make a big difference till we were teenagers. We drifted apart during those years but by the time we all became adults we developed very close bonds. I can say without a doubt that they are my best friends and I could never imagine my life without them. My advice is to do whats best right now for your health and just know if you raise your children in a loving home, their will be fights just like with any other siblings, but I think a couple years wont make a difference in the long run.

I honestly would not worry about the age difference...it is all about who the kids are and their personalities. I am 7 years older than my sister, we have always been close and still are now. I have an 8 year old and a 20 month old and even those two have fun together. My 20 month old loves to climb on his big brother and wrestle. I am sure they will have their quarrels, but I can already see that my youngest idolizes his big brother. I have friends who have kids close in age and all they do is fight. Don't read to much into age difference.

My boys are 4 years and one month apart and I love the age gap! My oldest was a "big boy" when his brother was born and could help out with taking care of the baby. I had 4 years with the oldest and b/c my oldest is pretty independant I get some quality time with the youngest. My little guy adores his big brother and is his little shadow and although he complains occasionally the oldest relishes in it :)
The one con I find is that my little one is growing up faster than his brother did. Does that make sense? At 2 my oldest loved Sesame Street and Elmo but my now 2 y/o likes Bakugans and football b/c that's what his big brother is into.
I think the age gap is nice b/c my oldest has a sense of needing to "take care" of his little brother and is very protective of him when we are in groups or with cousins, etc.

My brother turned 15 2 days before I was born and my sister was 11. It worked out, I learned a lot from them as examples. I am not close to my brother but that has happened in the last year and a half. My sister and I talk on the phone almost daily.

If your children are even further apart than this 3 years it won't be a bad thing. They will still love each other and maybe not have all that sibling rivalry that so many close in age go through.

My first 2 sons are 2 months shy of being a full 3 years apart. My 3rd child, a girl, was born when my first 2 were 8 & 5. It depends on the day as to who does or does not get along. Has nothing at all to do with age. I am glad they aren't very close together in age. I could not imagine if they had been closer! I was past the labor intensive "baby years" with the older one(s) so I could deal with just 1 at a time. Most of the time my kids are great friends.
My brother and I are 4 years apart and we had our good and bad days like any siblings do. Age had nothing to do with it. I am great friends with my brother!
It all works out fine :)

Close spacing wont' guarantee a replication of the relationship you have with your brother. My oldest two sisters are 17 months apart and once they were school age, they were not friends, did not have common interests and were only close once they were in their 20's and becoming mothers at the same time. Not all 2 year apart siblings will be best friends, and it is fine!
My two kids are four years apart by my choice - I didn't want 2 babies at once, couldn't afford years of fulltime daycare for two, etc. My oldest is a girl, the younger is a boy. When they were young, they spent more time together and played together more than I'd have expected of opposite sex children four years apart. Once my oldest was middle school age, she was not so interested in her brother. They have their own interests and friends, and that is fine. I'm sure in time, they'll spend more time together.
Benefits of the 4 year spacing - when you've got a baby attached to your breast, the big one can put their own clothes on and get themselves a cup of milk. I did not have to pay for two in braces at once (they are 15 and 11 now) and I won't have two in college at once either! They only attended the same school the year my youngest was in kindy and the oldest was 4th grade, so there weren't conflicting school dates (like having to go to curriculum night or conferences at the high school and running around to 18 different teachers! Glad to have dodged that bullet). There really wasn't squabbling or "that's not fair" because the age difference was enough that the two kids have always had clearly defined roles in the family
There is nothing you can do to make them have a close relationship or ensure one - as a parent, you need to realize that there are things which are out of your control. How your children feel about each other is one of them. As a parent, one of the most interesting aspects of parenting for me was seeing the development of the sibling relationship between my kids, since it is a relationship that does not include me!
Good luck and I hope you'll be able to have a baby soon. Age difference isn't something to worry yourself about

I am 4 years Older than my sister and we have always been very close.

Our son is now 20 years old and our daughter 16. They are 4 years and 1 month almost exactly apart.
In my opinion is that what keeps them close and us close overall as a family is that we still have mandatory family meals. Our son doesn't live at home anymore, but when he is we make a point to eat together as a family. We also encouraged the kids to support each other in their endeavors. OK, granted when our daughter was little, she had no choice to go to her brother's basketball games. But now that she is an avid softball player, our son does try to come to her games.

Sure there were some years when they were not close. And they would fight,nit-pick and argue of stupid things. But that is just being siblings. It had nothing to do with their age difference. I've even done something that won't get me mommy of the year when I told them once to just pretend the other didn't exsist. That way they wouldn't have anyone to argue with!! But I've also played the mommy-guilt trip card and have pointed out that someday my husband and I will be gone and all they will have is each other. ;)

There are almost 11 years between myself and my youngest brother. We were very close when he was young and we had some years when we weren't close. I mean I was married with our first when he was just graduating high school! But we are now very close again.

It will be fine and it will be the way it was meant to be.

R. it has much more to do with parents encouraging their children to be close and personality than anything else. My toddler adores her 9 year old sister, of course I wanted them closer. I wanted a second baby since my daughter turned 5 years old (it never bother me that they would be 5 years apart) but it took us two years to finally have baby #2 and they adore each other, even though they will go thru life at different stages but to me this is ok because there's less competition.
Just my take on it, do not worry about 3 or 4 years your children will love each other. I love my only sibling but don't get along as good as I did growing up with her, we are only 14 months apart but there was ALWAYS an environment of competition and constant comparison. (this has more to do with parents and family members than our own personalities).
GL and hoping you get a second healthy baby!

I was just thinking about posting the same question (or similar) because we just has a miscarriage at 10 weeks and at this rate, my son will be 3+ by the time any siblings are born. I was really looking forward to having my children be 2.5 years apart. I felt like that would be perfect and now, I feel like the disappointment of further spacing is delaying my healing.

I'm trying to think of it this way: the older the first one is, the more helpful they will be able to be. My son is 2 next week and still not talking, so it will be another year or so of development that he will gain. I love him dearly, so thats another year of purely mommy time for him... it doesn't make it any easier and I still feel stressed for when we do start trying again (D&C was last week).

I am the oldest in a family of three. The brother born after me was 2.5 years from me and the next one was 7... the one that is 7 years from me and I get along FAR better than the one 2.5 years younger.

I am also trying to think this: maybe if I wait longer, there will be less of a chance I "waste" 2-3 months of being pregnant and miscarry, plus the subsequent 2-3 months of healing afterward. I'm trying to be patient and just suck up the 3-4 months of healing in my body and emotionally.

Maybe I was long winded, but my point is that your concerns are legitimate, there are other people concerned about the same thing and your eldest child WILL have a sibling!!!
Good luck. =)

HI--
My kids are 3 years, 8 months apart (I had a miscarriage in between as well). I am very grateful for the age separation. My oldest got to be a baby until he was ready not to be, rather than being forced into it because he was suddenly an older brother. He was potty trained, so I didn't have two in diapers, and he was ready to go to pre-school, so I got to enjoy time alone with the new baby. My kids are now 6 1/2 and nearly 3, and are great friends. They play together all the time. The younger one is more mature because of his older brother, and my older one is more understanding and compassionate because he's learned to play with his younger brother. I think it's an excellent age separation and I am glad it ended up this way!
So take care of your health and it will all work out perfect!
J.

My sisters and I have a HUGE separation ... My oldest 11yrs and the middle 8 yrs. Growing up I was not terribly close with my oldest, she was married and across the country by the time I was in my teens; and my middle sister was kind of like a mother where my mother was not able to (single mom worked to keep food on the table great mother). As adults my middle sister and I had a falling out b/c she could not get the "mother" attitude out of her brain but reconnected a year later once she realized that I WAS a big girl now. My oldest and I formed a realtionship during the falling out we are all now close as can be. My man has a simmilar split and they are all very seperate people who have little to no bond but we all get together on the holidays and for family events. I have friends who are close in age that can not stand eachother and friends that love eachother and are inseperable. Really, I think it is up to you to foster a healthy relationship between them and support thier individuality as well as being together. You will figure it out.

My almost 5 DD is the best sister to my 7 month old son. Don't worry. If you want another baby it will work out fine. Sorry about your miscarriages.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I have three children. My middle child is three years younger than my oldest and my third child is four years younger than my oldest. They are very close and play together. My oldest tends to be another little mother to the younger ones but she also plays with both of them. My middle child is so far ahead because he learns so much from my oldest. My nieces are also about five years apart and love each other very much and play and do things together.

I do not think it is the age difference but in how you spend time together as a family. Also, a smaller age difference doesn't guarantee that they're going to be close. I know of some siblings who are not close even though they are only two years apart. There are always ways to spend time as a family and to bring the kids together. The oldest can show the younger how to color, throw a ball, etc. If you're cooking, the oldest can help with the harder tasks like using the mixer while the younger might pour ingredients in the bowl. It might not be the same relationship that you had with your brother, but they can still have a loving relationship

So sorry to hear of your losses. I think you just have to go with the flow. Easier said than done. Hopefully, you will be successful in your tries for a new baby. Siblings appreciate each other at different levels at various times, no matter the spacing.

Our oldest two are 11 months apart (boy and girl and mostly great buddies, but needle each other alot). There is 24 months b/t the second and third. Then we were done : )

And then, our wonderful surprise came along. Now, they are 8, 7 and 5 years apart. Have to say, my 13 year old adores the five year old (and she worships the ground he walks on, they are my bookends), the 12 year old tolerates her and is a big help (even when she doesn't want to be), the 10 year old does his best to appease her, but she irritates him to death, she thinks they all hung the moon and stars. The big kids get along at varying levels on different days with varying activities. They all keep asking us when we can have another baby!

Most of it is how you deal with it and the overall atmosphere of the family. You can make it work, whenever it happens. Best of luck to you!!

I have a 4 year old and a 4 mo old. So far, so good. Big brother loves his baby sister, and loves to help out when he can. As for the separation- there is a 14 year difference between me and my brother. I grew up very close to him. I don't think age matters as much as two parents that foster good relationships between the siblings.

13 years between my sister and I. Not much relationship as children but we are best friends now. Plus she was great when I was a teenager. She was old enough to help me through the rough times but young enough to remember what it was like.

Dear R., Try not to worry so much, just let life flow... God has a plan for you and your family. I have had children close in age and then 2 more came years later... they are still friends. Grandma Mary

My daughter is 5 y/o and so far I'm 3 months along with my second. I wanted them closer together too... but realize this is best for all. I gave my first a lot of one on one time, and I will be able to give #2 more one on one time than if I had them closer together.

My daughter is also a very loving, caring person - and is so excited to have the new responsibility of being a Big Sister. She helps me when I babysit, so I already know how great a helper she will be.

Our kids are 19 days shy of being exactly 3 yrs apart. Our son is older... his sister's birthday is a couple of weeks before his and he turned 3 right after she was born. She was a week early and when he kept asking when she would be born, we had told him, when you turn 3. (since we obviously didn't know exactly). When she was born and he was told she was actually here, his first comment was "I'm THREE!!!" lol.

We have never gone out of our way (meaning over the top planning things out) to try and get them to be close. But they are. We expect them to treat each other with love and respect, to be kind to each other and look after each other (him more than her, since he's a boy and is older - the looking after part)... They are pretty much best friends. They are usually pretty content to play outside or inside with each other without having to go find a friend in the neighborhood. But they play with neighborhood friends together as well. When we go places they love hanging out together and they enjoy choosing gifts and things for each other too. I think if your family is close and you teach love and respect from the beginning, the age doesn't really matter. If there is a HUGE gap, then you might have issues with one not being old enough to do the things the older one can, and the older one being bored with the things the little one enjoys. But at 3 years that hasn't been a problem we have had to deal with much. (The height requirement on roller coasters was an issue for the younger one last summer, but not a big deal, lol).

My sister is 15 years older than me and we are and have always been close. My husband is 1 1/2 yrs older than his Sister and they are not close at all and have never been. I think it depends more on the kids than the age.

My kids are 3.5 years apart and were best friends until the eldest became a teenager no longer wanting to play with the little one. I was the envy of all my friends because they never fought and would entertain themselves for hours on end. Don't worry, it will all work out fine. (I also had 3 miscarriages)

I am the older sister. The second one is 2 years younger, my brother is 3 years younger and the last one is 6 years younger than I am.
I have the strongest bond with my little sister. I go along well with all my siblings and we are very close together but the bond I have with the younger one is much stronger. We understand each other without need to speak... 3 or 4 years is still close enough in age that they can enjoy each other's company for a while at home (at school and with friends, a younger sibling, even 1 year younger is never "cool" to have around ;-)

I'm very sorry about your miscarriages. My daughters are 3 years, 2 months apart and are best friends. They are currently 10 and 13 so I expect it will change over the next few years, LOL. They each have their own interests and friends but also have a great time together.

So sorry to hear about your miscarriages.
My daughters are 5 years apart. My son was in between them and passed away as an infant. I never planned to have a 5 year age difference between my children but now I see the advantages and I would actually recommend it. When my youngest was born my oldest started kindergarten. My oldest was already so independent at 5 I really had the time to spend with my youngest. In some ways it was like my youngest was an only child. I could meet her needs when she cried and she didn't have to wait because I was busy with the oldest. There was never any jealousy issues. My oldest was so loving to her sister. In return my youngest one year made her sister a mothers day card for being her second mommy. They are extremely close to this day. They are now 7 and 12.

This is a bit more than 3 or 4 years, but I'll give you my situation: I have 2 younger brothers, one 2 years younger than me, the other is 7 years younger. Long story short, now that we're all adults, I am MUCH closer to my baby brother than the one 2 years younger than me. In fact, even when we were in school, the brother 2 years younger was more of a pain in my you-know-what than anything else. I honestly believe that it's not how close your children are in age, it's how close they grow together as they age (age being 2 years or 20 years of becoming your own person and either growing closer to or farther apart from the other sibling). I practically raised both my brothers myself and I love them both unconditionally, but the black and white of our relationships as siblings is my baby brother and I are the closest. As fate should have it, this is also the exact same age difference between MY children, and it wasn't planned that way ;) GOOD LUCK and best wishes :)

Due to my many miscarriages (I had 4), I never had a choice as to how many years in between my children are -- they are (5 children total) -- 4 years apart, 2 years apart, 4 years apart, 12 years apart ... and I must say, they all get along and are extremely close (although the youngest is 7 months, so we will wait and see:) Anyway, I am 12 years apart from my youngest sister and very close. My mom is 19 years apart from her brother, and they were closer than any two siblings I know. I always "planned" to have my kids 2 years apart -- it did not work out that way, and yet I cannot say there are any regrets or any problems because of that. I know families where the kids (adults now) are all 2 years apart and don't speak to one another -- yet I speak to my siblings all the time -- so I don't think there is any "recipe" for closeness -- just depends on how they are brought up as another poster said.

Trying to get pregnant again after a pregnancy loss (or multiple losses) is so stressful. Our first child was born still when I was 7 months pregnant and the stress of trying to get pregnant again nearly killed me. I used to put these imaginary deadlines on myself like "well, if I get pregnant this month, the baby will be born before my 35th birthday" or "if I get pregnant this month, this could be an anniverary gift for my husband." Everyone will tell you to relax and not stress, but it's really almost impossible to do so. I was so anxious and on edge until we wound up getting pregnant again. And then, of course, the worries about whether the pregnancy will go well.

I went to a wonderful website that really helped me... it's called www.nationalshare.org Many women who have suffered pregnancy losses and you'll see you are not alone on your worries.

In terms of your REAL question about the age difference... they may be good friends, they may not be. Even if you have children two years apart, that is not a guarantee that they will be good friends. Age really has nothing to do with it....

Hugs...