Needing Some Advice..... Miscarriage, Child Spacing

Hi S.,
I'm glad that you've gotten so many good responses, and they have actually helped me a lot too... I have similar circumstances as you, with one young child, trying to conceive another and then having a miscarriage. I know how difficult that was, and still is.
I just wanted to say please don't worry about having children further apart. I have a brother who is 3 years younger and then followed by a sister who is 8 years younger than me. I love both but am really really close to my sister - we talk almost every other day, sometimes everyday and we don't feel the age difference very much.
Hang in there, and try not to be discouraged by the miscarriage(s). good luck!

having had 3 pregnancies that didn't come to fruition I know how you feel. It gets better, it really does.

Having said that let me say that there is no "perfect" spacing between children. my oldest two are 2 years apart and the middle and youngest are 3 years apart. It has it's pros and cons. My sisters kids are 9 years btwn oldest and middle and 2 years btwn middle and youngest ... and it has it's pros and cons. A friend of mine ... her boys are 5 years apart ... and it has it's pros and cons :)

And what your friends are doing doesn't mean jack squat. What's important is what works for YOUR family. For some that's having them closer together, for others having them further apart. Don't sweat the spacing, just know that when you're ready to try again if it's meant to be it will be. And it will have it's pros and cons :)

Nothing is life is perfect and would be really boring if it all was :)

Good luck and allow yourself to feel what you feel and go through the grief process and heal.

Edited to add: I also have a friend who basically has two seperate families. Her two oldest children are 20 and 18 and her two youngest children are 8 and 5. Again, that's had it's pros and cons :) but she's happy and so are her kids :)

S., as hard as it is please relax. Getting pregnant is affected by all of our emotions as well as what is happening to us physically. A very good friend of mine for her first time had a miscarriage but was able to get pregnant two months later. Whenever it happens for you, you'll be able to make it work. Please don't compare yourself to anyone else, we are not on anyone's timetable but our own. I hope everything works out for you!

So sorry for your loss.
My mom and dad mostly spaced us kids 4 years apart on purpose. I have 4 siblings and am the second youngest. Only me and my younger sister are 2 years apart. There are 4 years in between all the rest of us. My mom did miscarry just before I was born.
Some advantages to being 4 years apart are the older one can help out and they won't be as competative. I was happy my older siblings were out of high school before I started because it gave me more freedom and independence. (A lot of teachers still called me by my older siblings names. It wasn't so far apart that they didn't remember them.)
I am very close to my younger sister who is 2 years younger and my sister who is 4 years older. I am not as close with the older ones. It's just a different relationship, almost parental with my older sister. I see your concern about too much spacing but I think 4 or so years is great, you don't loss so much of the growing up together as you may think.
Best of luck to you and your family!

Dear S.,
I'm sorry about your miscarriage and I understand the fear of having another one. You should get to a really good OB for a thorough check up which may help alleviate some of those fears.
Now, as far as spacing your children....
In my life, I have only known two couples who said "We're going to get pregnant one year after the wedding and then again 18 months after the baby is born" (or whatever their specific plan was) and it actually happened that way. We can plan for things, but when it comes to getting pregnant or our babies doing things based on a preconceived time schedule, more often than not, that planning goes right out the window.
I don't think you should worry so much about what other people are doing or when they are having their kids. All things are different for all families. These things have a way of working themselves out just the way they are supposed to.
I was told I would never have children so I was very happy to get my daughter and only now and then did I wish I could have another baby because I loved and enjoyed her so much, it would have been nice to double it. But, I was thankful for my little blessing. I did have a miscarriage after that. My husband and I never used birth control and I never got pregnant so it wasn't something I thought a whole lot about. Then to my surprise, years later, guess what. I had a baby boy.
I certainly never would have planned my children just shy of 10 years apart, but looking back, I wouldn't have done it differently even if I could have. There were absolutely no jealousy issues, no competing for my attention and my daughter LOVED her little brother. She was such a big help and loved dressing him, playing with him and reading to him. He was HER baby! It really couldn't have worked out any better. God knew what he was doing. I will say it was tough on my son when his sister was old enough to move out on her own, but they are still very close. They call each other all the time and she comes and gets him to spend the day together, takes him shopping and out to lunch. She's taken him to concerts and things a sibling closer in age wouldn't be able to do. Surprising enough, my daughter has several friends her age with little brothers my son's age so they all go do things together.
My kids have each other and adore each other. The space in their ages is just part of their lives. They don't know any different.
So, my advise is to relax. Don't feel left behind if you aren't having kids at the same time other people do. Heck, Michell Duggar is on baby #19 so when you think of it that way, it's easier to put things in perspective, I think.
Something I often tell myself is, Lord, let me appreciate the wait as well as the answer.
Meaning, enjoy your 3 year old and your husband and know that even if it takes two years to have another baby, you will be filled with joy and say the same thing I did...
"I wouldn't have changed a thing".

Many blessings to you!

S., My sister is 12 years older than me, and my brother was 6 years older (he passed away many years ago). Although my sister and I went through a period where she was more like a mother than a sister when she started her own family, we are very close sisters and have been since I was a teenager. And my brother and I were also very close. The neighborhood kids called me his shadow. My mom used to say that the timing (although unintentional) was perfect: just when she was sending one "baby" to school she had another baby at home. Having such an older sister also helped my parents with child care because my sister was old enough to look after us on the occassional date night for my parents. One more thing: studies on birth order have always shown that first-born children are independent and strong and often display leadership qualities, usually attributed to all the one-on-one time they get with their parents at such a young, formative age. These same first-born traits also apply to second- or third- born children if the age between children is five or more years--again, because each child gets so much one-on-one time with their parents so young. So, take comfort: there are advantages to spacing your children close, AND to spacing them far apart. I also suffered a miscarriage and I understand how difficult it can be. I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there, and take care.

We tried for a 2nd child when my daughter turned 2 and that pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 5 weeks, got pregnant again 6 months later and that ended in miscarriage about 4-5 weeks. Got pregnant a month later and that pregnancy stuck. My daughters' are 3 1/2 years apart and it has been perfect. Good-luck.

My guess is that you are experiencing a lot of extra emotional issues due to hormonal issues with the miscarriage. The second episode might have been a very early miscarriage, but it also could have simply been your body still adjusting after the miscarriage in July.

As for your worries about the spacing of your children... don't worry! There is really no "ideal" spacing. I see you already have been given some examples, but let me give you mine. My mother gave birth to a son, who was premature and lived for just ten days. Six years later she gave birth to me. My sister came along when I was seven and a half years old. Our first brother was born when she was 3 1/2 and I was 11. Then we had another brother born when I was 20, my sister was 12 and our other brother was 9 1/2. When we figured it all up a few years ago we realized that our mother gave birth to all of her children over a span of 26 years! We have good relationships, though we aren't all real close, and I count my sister among my best friends. I've seen families where the children were born close together, whose relationships aren't anywhere near as good as ours are.
One advantage of having more space is that you have a better chance of giving individual attention to each child.

Just had to respond to you because I had my two children 6 years apart. So many people commented at the big space between, but this is how I felt:It really was the best time for us to be parents even tho it was far apart for the kids. We never wanted to get any one stage 'over with' and actually enjoyed them at every stage. That 6 year gap widened and narrowed at different times. My daughters are now both adults, both have finished college, both are teachers and are both very close. They live on the same street with their husbands! So the 6 year gap did not separate them much! Best of luck to you having your second baby whenever you do! P.

I think a lot of how close your children are emotionally has more to do with their personalities and how you encourage them to respect each other than it does with closeness in age. My sister and I are 5 years apart (she was born just before I started Kindergarten) and are great friends now.

Hi S.
I will share my story with you and I hope it will help you. When I was pregnant with my first child we lost her at 28 weeks. This was a very painful time for me and my husband but we got pregnant again and with very careful monitoring we had a very healthy baby girl. I knew I always wanted 2 children 2 years apart, but my husband was still worried and hurt for many years and it took time for him to heal. I did get my 2nd child, but it took me 4 years to get her here. I like you was very worried about this, but I have to say that there are some pretty good pro's to the situation. I got to enjoy the early years with both of my children on a more one on one basis because the oldest started kindergarten soon after the youngest was born. Only having one child in high school at a time has turned out to be a blessing also. I don't know how to explain it, but It is what it is. I have to believed it happened when it was suppose to so that I could get these really amazing girls and in the end that is all that really matters.

I am sorry for your loss/es. It can be a frustrating/depressing time. Lots of people have a story, you are not alone. The best advice I think I ever got was listen to your gut and be happy today, don't wait until after the next accomplishment gets met.

My first and second child are 10 years apart, Second and Third child are 16 months apart, Third and forth child are 7.5 years apart. There are pros and cons to every age span. The grass is never greener on the other side! There were plenty of groups of parents that I was sad not to fit in with because I enjoyed them...but you do what works for you.

Hi S.,
First of all I am so sorry for you loss, Losing them is so very painful and I think harder to deal with because we are told "you can always try again"...but that statement though well intentioned is not the point. You have lost a person, someone you love. It does not matter one bit that you did not know them yet.
My son and daughter are six and a half years apart. In so many ways this is a blessing. My son who is the oldest has always taken the role of co-care giver to our daughter, Some times this can be a bummer..."quit bossing her around!" But I think this happens with siblings with all age spreads. My point is that your children no matter how far apart they are, will love one another, they will always find common ground and interact with each other they will play,argue,fight and care for each other.
In the mean time feeling left behind is difficult, I just had to tell my self if our son was our only child then that is a blessing. I found that practicing gratitude was a very good way for me to focus on what I have and not worry so much about what might or might not happen.
Blessings to you!
D.

Hi S.,
Hang in there. Everything is going to be okay. My kids are 4.5 years apart and my husband and I had started trying for a second when my daughter turned 3 too. I too had a miscarriage last year and about four months later, I realized I was pregnant with my son. The spacing is perfect. My daughter loves her brother and has taken on a helper role. She helps pick out his clothes, helps fold it, holds him (while sitting) while I prepare his bottle. It's been so great having them 4.5 years apart. Just think, when they are in college, one will be finishing when the other is starting which will be less to pay at one time! Try to concentrate on the positive that you are able to get pregnant rather than concentrating on the fact that you miscarried. I know from experience that it is hard to do but thinking about that last year really helped me through it all. You are still able to concieve which is great. Also, I highly doubt you had another miscarriage. The heaviness and painfulness of your period was probably just your body getting rid of what was left of the miscarriage, because I remember having two really bad periods after my miscarriage last year. I hope this email has helped you in some way. Concentrate on those many blessings in your life and I am sure you will soon have another little one! Take care, C.

Just to encourage you...I had my kids 4 years apart and I found it to be perfect. They are apart enough to have their own interests and such, but close enough to be together. I have never had an issue with it at all and would do it again. Good luck!

Some people like having the kids very close together in age, and some prefer more spacing. It sounds like you are more in the later camp (as am I), and I can assure you that the spacing is fine.

My older son was almost 4 when the second was born, and the age gap was great. He was more independent than a toddler, and we had very few jealousy issues. He was more aware of what was going on and was excited to have a little brother. My sister had two girls who are 5 1/2 years apart, and she found that age gap worked well for her family.

I recently found out we're having a third, and while I realized this morning that might mean I'll have a college freshman and a 4th grader at the same time, I'm a bit grateful for the age gap. The older two are not as needy as they would be if they were toddlers.

If you already thought a 3 year gap was about right for you, I think a 4-5 year gap won't be as much different as it would be if you were wanting a 1-2 gap.

Just my thoughts! Best wishes!

I hope I can make you feel better about it... I didn't get married until I was 35, because I was getting my career in gear, and never really thought I even wanted kids. When I did get married, and we did want kids, I could not get pregnant. We didn't waste too much time on infertility treatment, thank goodness; we adopted our first baby in 1990. My husband died suddenly in 1993, and three or four years later, my son said "Mommy, I need a brother!" I had to admit he was right, so I adopted my second son in 1997. Now my big boy is grown, and my little boy is twelve, and I'm thinking... whoa, I'm ONLY 57! I'd like another one!

I think the seven years between my kids is great. It has allowed my older boy to play with and delight in his brother as a toddler, although, of course, little brothers are, more often than not, a pain in the big brother's butt. It has allowed me much more individual time with each of them, and their relationship is so much better than my relationship with my two-years-younger brother has ever been.

S.,
I had a miscarriage before our second one. Our first two are 3.5 years apart. It was good for the spacing. They had an easier time than the middle one and youngest did. It is also in the personalities wether or not they get along etc.
I conceived the second child 2-3 months after the miscarriage and she is now a 16 year old child. I think 3-4 years is just about right. My hubby's sibblings were 11-12 when he came around, and it's like he was raised by different parents. Very odd, my brother in law was the same age as my mom, and my in-laws are the same ages as my grandparents. Feels so strange sometimes!!! Anyway, you will have a child when you are supposed to, as I learned in my psych class recently that most women don't even realize they were pregnant to begin with and they also said that if a pregnancy terminates itself it is because of a defect.
That nature has a way of eliminating the problem on its own.
I know it sounds cold and clinical, but it was the only thing that also got me thru the miscarriage even way back when. I hope you are feeling better soon, and don't worry about it, it will only make it harder to conceive.
W. M.

Our boys are 4.5 years apart & I know what you mean about so many people having their kids barely 2yrs apart. I feel like I'm not 'part of the club.' Easier said than done, but you have to stop thinking about other families & the space between their kids & concentrate on your's. You're not being left behind & no one thinks that. You guys do what is best for your family. I, too, used to worry that people would comment on our boys age gap & question but no one ever has since we had our youngest 4 yrs ago. Best of luck!

Hang in there Honey! Those nasty hormones are making you more upset than you would be normally.
We waited to start trying until my son was 3 because I didn't want 2 in diapers and boys are notorious for taking their sweet time potty training. Since Sept. 2007 I've been pregnant 4 times. After the 2nd miscarriage my insurance let me go to a specilaist who put me on progesterone and baby aspirin - I miscarried again at 9 weeks anyway. It was hell, I started 2nd guessing myself - maybe I'm such a horrible mother God doesn't want to subject another child to what my poor son endures, maybe I waited too long and we're too old, etc, etc. It was the only time in my 20 year marriage that my husband I just laid in bed and sobbed together. I went to a grief counsellor because I couldn't function anymore. I got my chunky butt back in the gym and started taking yoga classes again. 2 months later I got pregnant again with no hormone therapy. There have been a few scares along the way but everything turned out o.k. so far - I'm 31 weeks now and we're having a girl.
The point is: find a way to turn off the terrible voices in your head - do something loving for yourself and embrace the people that love you. Miscarriage is very common - but no one talks about it. I have a friend 14 years younger than me and she has miscarried 3 times too and her doctor just shrugged his shoulders and told her these things happen.
It turns out my mother miscarried 3 times after I was born which is why my brother is 5 years younger than me. I was in kindergarten and had my own life so I was not jealous of him at all and thought of him as my baby. My son will turn 5 before his sister is born - he is in kindergarten - he can dress himself and helps me do chores. He will be a loving and protective big brother and my daughter will be so lucky and adore him.
We can't control nature - you will have the children you are destined to have when it's their destiny to be born.
Just in case - take your pre-natal vitamins every day and take good care of yourself.

It sounds like you did have a 2nd miscarriage.....from someone whose been there please go see a fertility specialist....some woman wait to long to do this and go through too much pain. I don' t have any advice on the spacing......good you are seeing a therapist too....sometimes it's good just to talk to someone who is not associated with anything and can give you some tools to deal with your grief....

So...seek out that fertility specialist.

Hi S. -
You sound in pretty good spirits - but I am here to reassure you even more. You have a similar situation as me. When my first was 3, we began trying for a 2nd. It actually took us like 6 mo. to get pregnant (which was frustrating - for I got pregnant w/ the 1st the first month), but that pregnancy unfortunately ended in a miscarriage (12 wks). I then had to wait 3 mo. to try again. I too was getting nervous about the spacing. After another 3 mo. of trying I did get pregnant again, and this time for good :). My two boys are a month shy of 4 yrs. spacing. It actually has turned out to be a positive thing. My four yr. old is old enough that he is self sufficient and even somewhat helpful w/ the baby. He goes to preschool, so I have a little time with the baby. What I love the most is the interaction between the two. The baby adores his older brother, and older brother protects/takes care of the baby. Dont worry God has a special plan for you :). You'll see.

I am truly sorry for your loses. I am a mother of three and have 5 years between my two oldest and 6 1/2 years between my middle son and youngest son. I would not change anything about the distance in their ages. While it is strange sometimes having one child in high school, one in fourth grade and the youngest in daycare but it is also great fun. Each of my boys were able to enjoy being the only baby in the family and being the main focus for a time. I grew up with two older siblings where we were two years apart from each other and while we are close my boys are closer. They will always choose each other over others. They are all at different stages in their lives and that gives us some flexability in our parenting. Our oldest son is getting more independent which is helpful when dealing with the baby. Our older boys are so helpful with our youngest and are happy to help most of the time. Sometimes I am amazed at the amount of love they have for each other and we get very little rivalry. I just can't say enough about having my kids so far apart. I hope this helps you.

I think you're getting a lot of good responses.
Miscarriages are miserable, and you have my sympathy. They put you through the wringer physically and emotionally. Your late period may well have just been your body adjusting to not being pregnant. I had three miscarriages, and was told to wait a few months before trying to get pregnant after each one so that my body had time to adjust.
I had two successful pregnancies, and my kids are four years apart. I really liked that spacing. My son was four when his sister was born so there were a lot of things he could handle on his own. They went in and out of being "in sync" with one another--where they both liked the same kinds of activities--but overall it worked out very well, and I wasn't facing the same issues with both of them at the same time. I don't remember any jealousy problems either, which often happens when they're close in age.
My husband has twin sisters who are ten years older than he is, and another sister 6 years older. They were not close as children because of the age differences, but as adults, we really enjoy getting together.
There is no ideal spacing for children. There are advantages and disadvantages to every spacing. Try to trust in God/karma/the universe that your children will be spaced in the best way for you and your family.

Please! Don't beat yourself up about not being able to "keep up" with your friends! There is a plan for you and your life. I lost my second baby a week before our ultrasound to find out the sex. It is a very painful time for any woman who goes through it! I had a lot of people telling me that if I would have taken certain herbal treatments I would not have lost the baby. This was VERY hurtful! I know that my baby was not meant to be. If I would have carried it to term there probably would have been something medically or genitecally wrong with baby. Our bodies sometimes know what is best.

I now have two beautiful and wonderful boys! They are 7 and 3. Sometimes the gap is challenging but for the most part it is very rewarding! I am still able to stay at home and I now have my special time during the day with my youngest while my oldest is away in second grade. There is a big plus to the gap in finances. You don't have two or more children in diapers! You don't have them doing the same sport or the what not at the same time! I could go on.

My boys love eachother dearly and my youngest misses his bubba while he is at school. My youngest loves to be have my oldest read him stories and play with him. Although it is hard when big brother gets to go for playdates with out momma, but I try to make those times extra special for my youngest.

I wish you luck and know that you are blessed with the child you have and when it is time for you to get pregers again you will only be receiving yet another beautiful blessing!

Good luck!

I am so glad you are seeing someone to help you through the grieving that comes with losing a baby through miscarriage. I also thought I had the timing perfect and had a couple miscarriages before getting one to stick. She and her sister are 4 years apart and it is wonderful. The older one has the privelege and challenge of showing her little sister how to do things and yet loves to have her little sister come and play with her. She was old enough to understand the baby in the tummy and was one of the first people to hold the baby at the hospital. I really do think 4 years is good, at least for me. I think more than the spacing is the feeling of loss, especially when your friends are having their dreams realized. just keep talking and keep trying. And, talk to the ob/gyn about progestin after you get pregnant. i firmly believe that's what got my younger daughter to stick unlike the one's before. and i too conceived easily. hugs and best wishes.

Hi, S.! My husband and I were in the exact same boat. My son is almost 4, I stay home with him, and I had a miscarriage in January at 8 weeks. Uncanny, right? Anyway, your first period after a miscarriage is not normally a "normal" period. Mine was much heavier, and hurt more than normal. My doc also told me to wait a couple of cycles before we started trying again. Your body just needed a bit to rest and regenerate after the loss. Once we waited the couple of months, I was pregnant after our second month of trying. Now, due in March. My son will be 4 years and 3months when our new one is born.
My doc also told me after our loss that the majority of women go on to have successful pregnancies after a miscarriage. So, just give your body a rest, relax and it will happen for you!
I would not worry what the rest of your friends are doing. If they are planning their 3rd, then your 2nd will still have playmates! Everybody keeps telling me that it will be easier with my son being 4, that he will understand and be more helpful with the new baby. So, look forward to that! It will all come together for you, and just relax and have fun making the new baby!!