This seems to be an issue in our household at least once a week. I have an almost-4-year-old and a 17 month old. They love to run around together, playing chase or hide-and-seek. They usually play these games while I am cleaning the table and washing dishes from a meal or otherwise preoccupied. My problem is when I hear a loud THUD from the other room and my 17 month old is lying on the floor crying. We had problems in the past with my older son intentionally pushing him down, but those are mostly under control now, at least under our supervision. When I ask what happened, the older son is the only one able to reply, and he usually says his brother just tripped (which is very reasonable, since he does trip just walking around). There are times I strongly suspect that my older son caused the tripping, and I have given time-outs for this, but I always question myself since I didn't witness the incident. What do you other mamas do in these types of situations, where you didn't "see" it happen?
Edit: I guess my original question wasn't quite clear. The chasing games is an example of when these types of moments most often occur, but was not specifically what I was asking about. Other situations are things like broken toys, opening Mommy's make-up, etc. Ideally I'd be able to supervise every second from 6am to 8pm but that is unrealistic. My real question is, how do you discipline when you don't see what happened?
If you don't know the older child did anything wrong you should not punish him but rather say "Let's find something quiet or less active to do for a bit". Maybe you could implement a rule of no running in the house and regardless of who did what you can can discipline when you know they are running rather than trying to guess if one was intentionally tripped.
oh, that's a hard one. I have two boys, 8 and 5, and a newborn...so my eyes are often not watching my older boys every second. Ridiculous to say that you should be watching your kids every single second of the day in your own home. You should be able to do the dishes, go to the bathroom, change laundry..ect. without having your eyes on your kids.
How do I punish? I usually don't. Unless I can see an injury. But for the most part I say, "Hey, that's what happens when you run around and play rough. Someone may get hurt." I don't coddle my kids. You're right, it's not fair to blame the older one if the younger one falls or something. Unless you see it I don't think you can blame.
Kids are fun!!
L.
Just wait until they get older, and you are standing right there and they say they didn't do it...
I think if you didn't see it, you shouldn't punish for it, however, maybe move the play area for awhile where you can see what's going on... Says something like, "you better not be lying to me, always be honest, but to be on the safe side so little brother doesn't get hurt, let's play over here where mommy can see you all better.
I've been in the same room with my children, happen to have my back turn for a second and then all of the sudden the little one is crying... You can't watch them 24-7 and expect to get everything done.
You said it yourself, "Supervision". When you are preoccupied, shut the doors to the other rooms so they are within your view. Perhaps there won't be as many thuds since you can see them.
If I don't see it between my girls, I generally don't punish them. They will both manipulate to get the other in trouble, I know it. So when an issue comes up, sometimes I separate them, and very often I let them work it out on their own. If one is hurt, I give comfort and care to the one hurt. Usually, both of them have a hand in whatever the fight of the moment is happening. I'm a big believer in giving toys time-outs. Whatever they are fighting over gets put away because they couldn't get along playing with it together.
i had an only child but this might help you know if they did it or not. when they are an only and have no one else to blame they say it did it by itself. duh. that didnt happen. tell him if your honest you wont get in trouble. when he is honest the only thing you say is you knew better didnt you.
You shouldn't punish unless you know for a fact that your older son did something wrong. If you're wrong, your son is going to end up resentful of both you and his younger brother. Try to supervise when they play.
I sort of agree with SLM about more supervision when one is so young still. With my first two who were 12 months apart we had many issues like this as well as accidents more because I thought they could not be watched as carefully. We had the 'who did this' and the 'nobody' who ever did it. I would say first to never ask 'who did this' as it encourages lying I think. I would say neither of you are to do this or that, but when there is a baby involved I would supervise the baby much more and also keep an eye on the older one if 'someone' is getting in your make up, etc. I doubt it is the baby doing that. But no matter what you do you can't be there all the time and you will just have to teach character, morals, etc., and pray that they learn as they will do things you won't see. As for discipline, you can't discipline one if you don't know who did it as that causes issues later if one is always doing it. You can if both are involved and you don't know who did it, but at this age that would be too hard to decide. I would send both to room/chair/bed whatever is safe while you're busy and just say you don't know who did it so they both will stay apart until you are free.
No running or chasing games when you are not supervising. Period.
Too many things can happen when an energetic 4 yr old plays with a toddler and no supervision.
If I don't see it, I usually just give them a 'talking too'....about being nice and being careful and such. I always try to end it with a hug and kiss all the way around.
i have a 4 year old and he's an only so i can imagine the lying thing is going to be even worse with a little one around to get into trouble with. so far i have been lucky - i have only caught him lying a couple times (usually, "what did you do?" "...nuthin..") i think i still have him convinced (so far!) that mommy really does see everything. of course, he's the only suspect at my house :) so i get on his level, and ask him in a firm (not mean or harsh) tone, "tell me what happened honey." i don't let up on him till he tells me the truth. when he lies i call him on it. and then he tells me the truth (with some coaxing). i try not to be too hard on him when he tells me the truth - but if it's a time out offense, he still goes to time out. but i am gentler and nicer about it, and i thank him for telling me. i definitely want him to get the message that lying about it gets him in WAY more trouble than telling me the truth. this might work for us because he's awesome about going to timeouts, doesn't fight them much, AND he's an only child, like i said. i would try to pin him down on the lying though. even asking point blank, "is that what REALLY happened, or is that what you wish had happened?"
i can NOT stand to be lied to.
I never pick sides if I didn't see it happen. I always tell them both if there is an argument that there is no yelling in our house and to work it out in the other room where I can't hear them or to end the argument that second. They always both just end up keeping quite at that point.
We don't punish. We try to supervise so we see what happens. Provide guidance so DS makes good choices. And if he breaks something - that is the consequence - it is broken and he does not have it/it doesn't work anymore. IMO, punishment (or fear of) just teaches kids to lie to avoid it. Brainstorming with DS about what to do next time provides him with good choices for next time.
If you were paid to care for these kids no excuses would be accepted. It would be expected for them to be in the room with you at all times. EVEN in the room you may not see everything. No one knows that more than me. But your system for doing things now is full fo major flaws.
You need to put your baby in a highchair with toys, chubby crayons etc when you are clearning the kitchen. You need to put your 4 year old up to the table with a computer or other learning toys or drawing. They are in the kitchen when you are. You shower when they are sound asleep or when husband is home. You bring them with you when you put laundry through or you put the laundry through when husband is home. These are the kinds of things I must do everyday. I have children 24/7. I pee fast, with the door open. I utilize learning vidoes when I must sweep. I put gates up if I'm super busy. I still miss things. But in nearly 25 years my kids have been mostly safe and we've had only minor injuries that TAUGHT ME that they need more supervision no matter how hard it is.
