My 3/Y Lies to Me

She is not "lying" to you...she is telling you the way she would LIKE things to be!!! You need to calmly explain the importance of being honest...and show her the difference between truth and "fantasy".

There are three things that can happen at this age: a child forgets what they have done 5 minutes ago (because their brain is on the "present" setting); the child is using fantasy play to work out their problem; or the child sees that we are upset about something and answers out of a mix of fantasy and self-preservation.

The "forgetting" usually manifests itself when we (or they) are looking for material items. My son will--sometimes desperately-- ask me where a toy is he laid down two minutes ago. I have learned to never, ever let children play with valuables/keys/phones for this very reason--- they just don't remember.

Fantasy play/Pretend talk is what we hear when our kids are trying out new realities. When something sounds even a little 'not quite right', I ask children "oh, is that real or pretend?" At the younger ages, children will often admit to 'pretending' more easily. Older kids, more intent on impressing others, might be more staunch that their fantasy is 'real'. (One four-year-old I used to care for insisted that her father played ball with Sammy Sosa. When I responded "oh, that would be neat, if he did, huh?" she replied, "Oh,he does" and then talked about how she "couldn't wait" to tell a friend's mom. "She's going to be so impressed!" the little girl said.)

And sometimes, too, our kids see us upset, or know that they have done something wrong, which is likely what happened here. They do know that, when they hurt others, there is some sort of follow-through; some families focus on the hurt child and making amends; some families use time out or other punishments; some parents get woefully upset. None of these options are usually appealing to the child, and so they say something that's not true--not to deceive, necessarily, I think, but more as a wish-fulfillment after the fact. "I did a wrong thing, and now 'x' has happened, but I wish it happened a different way, because someone might be upset with me".

One thing that has helped me is to never ask a question when I know the answer. If I know a child has done something wrong, I say what I see or know ("I see you pushed the lamp over.") instead of "Did you push the lamp over?" When we give children an opportunity to fabricate a story, it does none of us any good. And it's never a good policy to try to test a child by allowing them to trap themselves in a lie. This is usually the parent who says: "Well, I ask them to see what they'll say, if they'll tell the truth." Then, we are being the deceivers and playing mind games with our children. This holds true with children of all ages. We must be truthful with the child, too.

Another thing that it helps to remember is that it is a part of their development: testing reality, and that we should just be aware that they are going to be in this phase for a while. "Truth" is hard to comprehend for kids, sometimes, partly because it's so subjective and abstract. If you can keep your language to words like "real" or "pretend"/"make believe", which kids can more easily understand, so much the better.

And overall, when you find these "lies" coming up, try to put them into the correct context (real or pretend) and then figure out what sort of correction needs to happen. When the make-believe story came up from your daughter, you don't have to 'punish' her for the lie, just label it as 'pretend' and finish making amends. Do talk about "saying what's real", especially when someone is hurt, because the adults need to know how to help the hurt person. Most importantly at this age, though, don't let the 'lies' or fantasy talk get in the way of addressing the most pressing issues when you are disciplining. Focusing too much on "telling the truth" can be a distraction from the more-important point of being safe with our bodies/actions.

Hope this gives you some ideas for next time!
H.

3 yr olds are just beginning to understand a bit about consequences for actions but they really lack impulse control.
She sort of knew hitting the other kid was wrong and she'd get into trouble for it, but she didn't think about that until after she did it, so she lied.
It's part of the terrible 3's.
I use to use it as moments for teaching empathy. After the time out (1 min per age) when things have calmed down, it's time for a talk.
"Would you like it if someone hurt you? Of course not. That's why we don't hurt other people. Now go say you are sorry and you won't do it again.". You'll have to repeat yourself, but the message should sink in sooner or later.

all 3 yr olds lie. :) not right but they do it. they lie in fear of getting in trouble even though you didnt punish her she knew she did wrong. she is not afraid of you per se as to she knows she did very wrong and would you admit to doing wrong?

My 3 YO lies too. She will take something and hide it in her pocket or under her pillow and insist she does NOT have it and then I search and find it and she throws a huge fit. She'll do something (like spill something) and say she didn't do it, one of her sisters did it.

I can't say for your specific situation, but if you find that she intentionally lies to you, there needs to be a consequence each and every time and immediately. Otherwise the lying to get out of hand.

i think around 3/4 its a normal stage. just explain what it is and why its wrong. we had to take away "story time" at night if we caught him lieing. if he told the truth, even if its "i hit my sister" we didn't punish him (we didn't explain that, just didn't want to punish him after he told the truth).
it lasted about 6 months. good luck

At three years old it is not "lying." They really don't understand the concept of lying at three.

Hazel gave you good advice.

I'm only going to agree with what most of the responders have said, and also say that Hazel has given a wonderful, comprehensive evaluation of this situation and the correct ways to handle it. We all need to keep a copy of what she said and memorize it.

lies . . . as in all the time.
or lied, as in this particular time.
Either way, what's the actual story?
How did you find out the actual story?
Did the other kid say your child hit his head with a stone?
How's the other kid doing?
Are we talking bruise or concussion?
And . . . seldom punished her?
Hmmmm . . . .
I wonder if she would agree with your "no reason to be afraid".

I'm having a hard time with my granddaughter as well, but she's not lying per se, she just has an extremely hard time accepting responsibility for her own behavior. I have let it go for a while, but now I'm really on it. she's eight and it's time. Like this weekend, she couldn't find her belt and she said it was her brother's fault because he probably put it somewhere when he was helping her clean her room. I MADE her say it was her fault because she should have put it away when she took it off. I made sure that I told her that this was no big deal; no one was in trouble, but it was important for her to accept responsibility for the lost belt because SHE did not put it away. It was hard for her but she said the words and then I asked her "was that so hard?" and she replied "Yes." So, more work to be done, but I thought I would throw it out there that perhaps it's not lying for the sake of lying, just non-acceptance of personal responsibility.