How Do You Approach Your Husband on Your Parenting Styles?

My husband and I also work opposite schedules. I have had similar experiences that you describe where I was worried about leaving my baby at home with my husband because he was so tired. (He's also a police officer so I worry about him being too tired when he's working 4pm-2am.) It caused a lot of problems during our first child with me resenting him and being angry at him. It escalated to a point that we almost called it quits. After I had my second child, I realized that he isn't sleeping on purpose. It really is extremely difficult for him to stay awake when he's completely exhausted. It didn't mean that he doesn't love our children or that he is putting his needs ahead of the children, it just means that he is simply too tired to be able to adequately care for the kids.

So I quit blaming and started working out solutions. If you have the option of taking the child to the sitter in the morning, I say do it. Let your husband sleep in on the mornings that he seems incapable of watching the child and leave him a note telling him what you did. Any feelings of bruised ego will be overshadowed by the relief at being able to catch up on his sleep. But then you will also have to sit down with him and talk to him rationally about his sleep. Don't be blaming or critical. Just be matter-of-fact... tell him he's a great father but he doesn't appear to be getting enough sleep and then figure out together what can be done to help him with that. Point out that as the baby gets more mobile, she can get into a lot of harm and you know he would feel awful if she got hurt because he wasn't able to wake himself up enough to adequately take care of her.

One last word of advice in case you have a tendency to do this... I know I did with my first child... Don't keep a running tally of your hours of sleep versus his hours of sleep. It isn't worth the resentment and anger it may cause. Just accept that you are both tired but you will reach a point when your daughter is sleeping more and is more independent and you will have more opportunities to sleep. I read some advice after I was pregnant with my second child that I wish I had when I had my first:

You can be tired, or you can be tired and angry. Either way you will be tired, so choose NOT to be angry.

Good luck. And be sure to tell your husband that he needs to let you have a chance to sleep in once in a while too!

First of all I can relate my husband fell asleep once and I didnt think twice about bruising his ego. When it comes down to the safety of your child you should not be concerned on if you hurt his ego. Put your foot down and just tell kindly suggest that if he cannot be awake and be responsible for your daughter when she is awake then you will need to take her to the sitter. You both may have your times on being tired, keeping track will not get you far and only cause more problems. I am sure when you decided to have children you both made the choice and knew that by having a child they are time consuming and very needy. Your daughter depends on you and your husband to care for her and make safe decisions for her. By leaving her in bed with your husband who falls asleep you are creating a dangerous situation for your daughter. There is a mother that also belongs to this site and has a horrible story about how she lost her 2 1/2 month old son, she was nursing him in the morning and to make a long very sad story short the baby rolled into her back and passed away within 13 mins. This should be a huge wake up call. I also have children that I layed in bed with me when they were being nursed till I saw this poor womans story. Your children do not belong in bed with an adult when they are sleeping. Tell your husband that you will just need to take her to a sitter since it is obvious that he needs sleep also and its just not working with him watching your her. Anyway good luck. Hope it all works out

Hi N.:

I think the safety of your child is the most important thing....if he falls asleep at all while she's awake, she is at very high risk for injury and I don't think that your husband would be able to live with himself if she were hurt...so, I would take her to another care-provider during the day when he needs to sleep......if he works late then he should be able to sleep in......if he just likes to stay awake late then he'll have to go without the sleep during the day when he's caring for her. He's a parent now, and she comes first.

I wouldn't worry about his ego on this matter.....he will respect your decision when you emphasize that you want appropriate care for your daughter.

Good luck
K.

Does he snore alot when he is sleeping if so i would talke to him about getting checked for sleep Apnea which is a very serious condition my hubby has it and that is the way that he was before he got it treated. About the sitter in the morning I would just stop asking and do it. good luck

I completely, 100% agree with Beth H. on this. Who cares about his ego when your newborn is concerned. Yeah, it's hard when they don't sleep and you're tired but that's part of the job. I wouldn't hesistate to take her to the sitter. Your daughter can take care of herself, defend herself or anything. YOU are her advocate. Tell him to knock it off.

I would bring her to the sitters earlier on. My ex was like that as well and neglected my own daughter. He left her screaming in her bassinet with a dirty diaper. That was the very last day he lived in our house. I wouldn't worry about bruising his ego or whatever he has to be responsible and put his daughter FIRST and make some changes and sacrifices in his life as all parents have to learn to do, so I would tell him how it is and not worry about upsetting him or take your daughter to the sitters. If he can't feed her or be awake to monitor her he's neglecting her. I don't mean to be so harsh but that's just what it is. Of course I've even tried to get my own daughter to sleep in a little longer on weekends or whatnot but not til noon. Does the sitter than have problems with naps and so forth because your daughter is expected to sleep half the day away? That is just not normal.

I understand the "Bruising Ego" theory, however...when it comes to the safety of your child, all gloves are off! Also, might I add that we seem to walk on broken glass for our husbands and their feelings, yet I have little confidence that they are doing the same for us. What it comes down to is lasiness and taking responsibility. We make the effort, and because we do...the men in our lives often don't because they simply don't have to...they know we will be there to pick up the pieces. It could be a sleep apnia thing too and therefor, he could be evaluated, if you can get him to go see someone for it. (I'm sure my husband has it, but he's too stubborn so hasn't gotten it officially diagnosed. I believe that he would be a different dad if he were treated properly, and all my nagging doesn't seem to make him want to get it fixed.)

As far as just agreeing on parenting styles...I truely believe that Men and Women are just different and offer different things to your babys. I think that when children are babys, that's a tough time for a dad because they don't have the same bond and maternal instincts as we do, plus the maternity leave time that we get to make us perfect moms. For now, embrace what you can as "Different". This solution doesn't work when he's falling asleep feeding her, although I distinctly remeber waking up during feedings with my baby's face covered in milk. So,...try to go into it with some understanding, as we make mistakes too, how unfortunate that is. Sometimes, different is good. Your daughter will learn who she can count on for certain things...and even though it seems sad...it's not. It's just a fact of life. She may count on him later to play with her while your cleaning, or for him to bring her to practice, school, etc. It will come and it does get better when kids get older. It's hard to ignore things that seem so obvious to you as..wrong, but if you start thinking of them as different,...that'll at least make it easier for you.

I would just talk to him about this just as any other issues that you have had to tackle. This can't be the first one, lol.
He is missing the small amount of time babies are this little and dependent. In the next year, she will be wiggling out of your arms and running off. Your lucky to get a hug and kiss, when asked.
Making memories is so important. I would talk about the number of hours you each need and set up a time limit. There has to be a way to be able to get 6-8 hours of sleep, or a nap somewhere but yet still able to make time as a family, and for him to be a Father.
Good Luck :)

I would arrange to take your child the sitter so your husband can rest. does he have a day off where he can spend time with her? it's hard to work late shifts and take on a baby when you are tired.

N.,
Please put out of your mind forever the concept that it is ever OK to "bruise your husband's ego". Can you see how over the long run, a disrespectful attitude toward your husband could be more harmful for your children than the short term issue you are negotiating? You guys can make this work without any bruising of egos.

Why not tell your husband how much you respect that he is working hard to support your new little family? In his world, that is the equivalent of him telling you what a wonderful mother you are. It seems to me like maybe he WANTS to be able to handle it all but it is hard for ANYONE to admit that they are at their limit and ask for help. If you position it as failure, he'll resist. If you position it as wanting to support him, he may warm up to the idea eventually.

Have you ever read/heard that men can feel some jealousy or even resentment toward a new baby because their wife, once only his, now has a new affection? If a man feels this, he surely feels silly about it and probably couldn't express it. Why not just give him a break and offer examples of how much you still love him too.

I think you offer a great alternative of taking the baby to the sitter early but please examine how you present that to him and love him for the desire of his heart to be a helping daddy despite his performance. I am so glad my husband loves me for the desire of my heart to keep my house clean because my performance (especially lately) hasn't been the greatest :)!