How Do I Get My Children to Listen to Me

Love and Logic. my 7yo very strong-willed child will *only* respond to this approach, but that's only when i'm doing it right *sigh*. it's hard, but it does work.

they have a website; i think it's www.loveandlogic.com but if that's not right then you can google it.

good luck!
P.

If you state to them directly what you are asking of them 9 times out of 10 they will espond..Such as (childs name) I want you to......That way you are showing directed authority and setting an example of respect as well....good luck

Oh, I can SO relate to the frustration of making repeated requests that are being ignored...
and I can share with you a resource that I have seen jaw-dropping positive, LONG-TERM results from in the relationships I have with each of my children.

Throughout the past year, I have been working with the author of a book called "THE PARENTS TOOLSHOP". In my 18+ years of caring for children, I have never seen such a comprehensive, outstanding resource.
The book is philosophical as well as practical, is extremely well-organized presenting ideas and skills in an easy to follow, logical, step-by-step format, and is based on Universal Principles that are true for ALL relationships and that yield positive LONG-TERM results.

After reading the book, I began to attend the FREE MONTHLY PARENTING SEMINARS that are offered on the Parents Toolshop Website.
http://www.parentstoolshop.com/Tele

Then I took a long-distance learning correspondence course also offered by the author
which involved learning certain skills and attitudes and applying them to practice situations... then receiving feedback regarding my responses.

I have seen so much improvement in my ability not only to respond effectively to situations that occur, but also in my ability to prevent many problems from occuring or getting worse... including encouraging my children to cooperatively follow-through with my requests!
Since taking the course, I have actually had a few people ask me, "How did you learn how to handle things like that?"........ I tell them about the Parents Toolshop.

The author of the book, Jody Johnston Pawel, is one of the few second-generation parenting instructors in the world. (meaning that her parents were also Parenting Instructors). She is a frequent guest on radio/TV talk shows throughout North America, was the Assistant Producer and on-air child care expert for the Emmy Award-nominated Ident-a-Kid television series, and currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites. She oversees an international network of parent educators and publishes dozens of resources for parents, family-service professionals and certified Parents Toolshop instructors. 
I am so, so thankful for Jody's presence in my life.... She has been a strong source of guidance and encouragement and hope for me during a time when I felt extremely discouraged in my relationships with my children.

I’ve been so impressed by the results I’ve seen in my relationships with my children as I’ve learned with Jody that I’ve recently decided to take the NEW 8 WEEK TELE-CLASS that is now being offered to help me continue to practice and reinforce the skills I’ve been learning.... And I’m extra excited that my best friend is signed up to take the class too!
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Here is some info about the class, if you are interested....

T.I.P.S. Tele-Class (for parents of children ages 1-18). 8-week Tues. evening series. 7-9 p.m. EDT + optional 1/2 hour FREE Brainstorming Bonus session each week! Same as live TIPS class, but by phone. NEW FIRST-TIME OFFERING!  

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S.

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C.,
May I recommend picking up a copy of "Boundaries with Kids" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend (5 star rating on Amazon.com)? This book may be especially insightful since they will listen to one parent (respect your husband) but don't listen to you (don't respect you). The applications are practical yet very effective. Give it a go, the journey may be tough, but the reward worth the effort!

I'm a mother of 5 children 2 grown and in the military, a seventeen year old that moved out because he did not like authority (never did) and two children left at home an 8 and 9 year old. My 8 year old has klienfelters, some learning disabilities, but not uncapable of everyday chores. I've learned in every child is a different personality, stubborness and a down-right your not gonna control me attitude. Partly our fault and part thier personality. I say partly our fault because if your anything like me you sick and tired of the fight, turn to the strong child who helps and put more responsibility on the so called "good child", why not because we are bad parents but because simply we are tired, we work, clean, care for children, no time for us...tired of the fight. Do what it takes because it only gets worse, creating to different problems, one child who feels all there life they always had to do, and one child that in circumstances outside the home, people should give him/her the world. Please find a way for the parenting classes, not because your a parent that does not know how to raise your kids, but because these days children know "the buttons to push" (even early years) to make us lose our parenting instinct. If nothing else the classes will show you the short road of nipping the problem in the butt quickly. Good Luck.

Those girls know they can work you. You need to set a standard. Sit them down and tell them how frustrating it is to have to tell them constantly to do something and from this point out you will only tell them one time, if you have to ask again they loose something valuable to them (CD< DVD, radio, stuffed animal, toy, etc) I believe in cut throat, so go for their most cherish things first. BUT YOU CANNOT GIVE
IT BACK UNTIL THE TIME YOU HAVE SET HAS PASSED! one week at these ages works great. My hard headed daughter lost everything but her bed and dressers before she caught on and now she does great! and helps me without asking!
Also stop buying them things! Tell them they don't respect you and the work you do to get the things and for now on they have to do chores to get special things like a new CD, DVD, etc) Make a point schedule and let them know what they can do to earn points and when they reach 100 points they get 1 reward (Cd, DVD, ETC) Also worked great on my daughter!
GOOD LUCK!

You have had such wonderful advice from so many people that I just want to say something to you. In your description you talk about your wonderful family and how much you love them and that you work full-time. If you were a man you would have said I am an ... and I have a lovely wife and two children. In other words, women tend to identify with who they are as a mother and wife and family person first and as anything else second. Nothing wrong with that, however, you are a wonderful wife, mother and hardworking young woman who is not getting respect from her girls. The man gets respect from these two girls but not you. You deserve respect, you love and respect your family. I urge you to stop putting your family first until you get the respect you deserve. You work hard to provide for your family's comfort and now its your turn to get something back. Go for it Honey. Life is too short to be used and abused. If these girls see that you are no longer going to give them their greatest desires until you have what you want, life will be a lot different. Believe me. Don't think of it as being selfish, Don't be guilt ridden. You are as good as you treat yourself. Start treating yourself as you want to be treated and stop giving, giving, giving. I know where you are Been There Done That...Do not allow anyone, child, adult, boss or life to step on you. You are a flower that needs nurturing, love and tender care. Expect it and accept nothing less....

Parenting w/ Love & Logic... there is also a 'teen' version of this book. LIFE SAVER!!! Jim Faye is the author.

My guess is that they aren't listening because they know they can get by with it. Kids are very smart. They may know you better than you know yourself. They probably know the exact moment when you are about to blow, and then they will go do it. And they will stretch you to that point everytime.
If you change the way you do things a little, and you are consistent, they will change too.
Maybe try saying, I need XYZ done in X minutes or they'll be no more _____ (TV, phone, radio, Etc. whatever is important to them) today. And then follow through, EVERY TIME. It may take two or three times, but they will get the point. And you may have days that they weigh it out and decide not to listen, but living with the consequences is part of life.
They won't be surprised when they get older and into the world when they do something like speeding, not paying a bill on time, whatever, when they have to face the music; because you have already taught them.

Sounds like you have been too lenient (??spelling) and have given into them alot in the past. Their dad probably hasn't so that is why they listen to him.
You have to take control. You don't have to yell or be furious..... just firm and let them know you meant business when you told them to do something.... for EXAMPLE:
Say the 13 yr old wanted to go somewhere. You told her to clean up her room but she smarted off. Just simply say, "I said to do this". Then when she comes to you and says she is ready just say in a very calm and collected voice.... "sorry, I have asked you to do this and you didn't and then you smarted off at me and when you do that, you lose your privileges". Don't argue. If she argues, take her by the hand and put her in her room and say, when you decide that you can do what I say without arguing, then you can come out."
And close the door and turn and walk away.
The peace while she is in her room is amazing.
It will take a little while for them to realize that you aren't going to take it and you aren't going to yell but they aren't getting what they want by doing you the way they are doing.
You have trained them to do you that way now you have to train them to NOT do you that way. It will take some time but you HAVE to be consistant. And I know as a mother you feel sorry for them more than anyone else and they may do something really spectactular that you are really proud of and if they do reward them accordingly but make sure they know why.... but as long as they are getting smart or not doing what you told them to do when you told them to do it..... be consistant and tough. By giving in you are only hurting them.
Also if they do something EVENTUALLY but just prolonged it then next time they want something, do it for them but explain to them that if you did what they did, you wouldn't do it for another 2 more hours. And then tell them that you are going to do it because it is the right thing to do but they need to do the right thing next time you ask them to do something. They follow by example. Just make sure you tell them EVERY single time you do something for them. They also learn by repetition, repetition, repetition.!!!!
Good luck.

hi I have been through this with my son and I found a most helpful resource It is a book writtened by Dr. Kevin Leman the name of the book is Making Children Mind without Losing Yours I think you will find it most helpful. He is also on talk radio sometimes. you can find this book at any good christian book store. S.

Hi C.,
I agree with Tonya C, Melody T and Shayna T. I have a 23yr old and an 11yr old. With patience and time and mustard seed faith you CAN turn the situation around. Deep down your children want you to be the mother you can become-loving and yet firm. Dr Kevan Lehman is a great author and speaker and very wise. If you have time also read Dr Cloud's Boundaries. It helped me make changes in myself without guilt. We tend to look at changing others. If we change our own way of doing things we can bring about the desired results.
Good luck and God bless.
A..

I Just finished a phenomenal parenting class based on the best, most comprehensive parenting book I've ever read. I think it may be helpful to you, though not all parts apply specifically to your areas of concern. The book is Children: the Challenge, by Rudolf Dreikurs, MD with Vicki Soltz, RN. If you're like me, you don't have time to read it, but it's worth making the time. Good luck.

Every time you repeat yourself with a request you are telling them that they don't have to listen to you the first time, or the second time. They get the message that you don't really mean it until you're angry. Tell them ONE TIME what you want them to do, and then sit there until they do it. Make them feel the consequences of their actions- by being late to school or missing a movie if they won't turn off the TV and get dressed. Turn it around on them for a few days- when they ask for a drink, sit there like you didn't hear them. If they ask for a ride, continue reading a magazine as if they weren't even there. Then remind them of the rules in your house and how you expect them to behave. Good luck- you have to be consistent. Don't get emotional, they like getting a rise out of you.

One thing you need to do, is establish some parental guidance, you, not your husband. It sounds as if you do not have any type of punishment in place for bad behavior, or if there is, it is said but not enforced. Children pay attention to what you say and do. It also sounds as if you melt a little, because of the type of person that your 13 year old is, but her good kind heart doesn't say very much for attitude and disrespect when it comes to you and teachers. You must put your foot down, no matter how bad it hurts YOU, and establish that you are the MOTHER. I am speaking as a mother of 3 adult children and I demanded respect from each of them, they did not always like it but I kept the foot down and explained to them what my expectations were of them and kept my promises. Good luck

This sounds a lot like our house. I would recommend the parenting class, "Love and Logic"--it's a standard curriculum, and it's widely used.
We found it helpful.
We have two favorite "take aways" from the class.
My husband's is: give two choices, both of which are desirable to the parent. When the child says, "both" or "neither" repeat ad nauseum "What were the choices?"
Mine is: "No problem!" It goes like this.
Me: "I will take you to soccer practice as soon as you clean your room."
Child: "I don't want to clean my room."
Me: "No problem!" (and nothing more)
Child: ??? (A confused child is better than angry.)

I was in the same boat.Boys would listen to their father no problem but not to me the parent that they were with all the time.Basically what I had to do is get tough with them.If they didnt listen and I said I was going to take something away..ie a priveledge or what ever..then I did.

My problem was that I wouldnt follow through with the punishment and the boys knew that so they wouldnt listen, once I started to follow through and they lost out on doing things then they knew I was serious and started to listen.

If you do this make sure your husband also follows the punishment too.Both parents have to be together or your girls will play you both off each other..good luck..
S. B

If the school is sending home a note and encouraging you to take the class then you have a problem that needs to be addressed. Take a vacation day or call in sick and take the class.

I am not sure as to your faith, but in our home we have a policy that states Obey the first time, every time. We don't get to chose when to obey or only obey when we like it. Our faith plays an important part in our family dynamics.

I also took a parenting seminar where I learned that when I call the child... "Jane" Jane should immediately respond with "Yes, Mommy coming" This avoids all of the calling the child for the 3rd time and at this point you could be annoyed by the child ignoring you or not hearing you.

It is taught so when I call my DD I say the same response to her that I am expecting her to day.. sure enough she says it on her own now.

It isn't too late to get this under control.

RESPECT is an issue I had with my first child soon to be 19 in a few days... he was argumentative and manipulative this they learn, believe it or not but us continuing to NOT to implement things in our households. It will only get worse if you don't get a grip on it now.

Following through is so important....
I will share this as a lesson I learned the hard way and I learned it well.

When my DS was little we were going to an event, a Halloween party... he acted up and I said, if you dont' behave you aren't going to the party.. he quickly said without a blink of an eye.."You know you are going to take me anyway".. that was so true, as I didn't want him not to go... BIG MISTAKE....
I have 14 yrs between my children and I am now 43, The oldest one is going to be 19 and my only other one is 5... I am doing things somewhat differently this time around. :0

One more thing, I think you and your DH should sit down with the girls and let them know if they don't obey you then they aren't obeying him as he should back you up and remind them to do as you say.

Hope this gives you some insight and help.

Hi C.,
I am a older mother of two sons age 31 and 41. If I had it to do over I know now how to do a better job in correcting my children when they were younger.
1st. I would do everthing that I would tell them that I would do.
2sc. I would set punishment that each would not like at all.
3rd. Make them work and enjoy it. Working with them and letting them like it instead of it being a bad thing.
4th. Make sure the punishment is carried out. Tell them one time to do something and stick to it.

My advice to you is to punish them with something that they dont like when they do not do (1st time) what you tell them. Keep this up (it will be worth it in the end) until they understand that it would be better for them to do as you say.
Beleive me...if i had it to do over ...for their sake..I would do just as I have advice you to do.

Hope this helps you,
E.

Be firm, consistant, and reasonable. Not an easy job here, to put parenting advice in a nutshell, but I will try to tell you what worked for me.
Kids need boundries, but they are always testing them. Once you say something, stick with it, don't give in.
But, sometimes the kid has a good reason for disobeying (in their minds) so, when there is a problem with them not listening to you, ask them why. You must give respect to get respect. I usually ask my children to do something, rather than demand that they do something. For instance, I might say,"Jeff, will you please do the dishes tonight?" Then he might say, "no, mom, I have a big test to study for tomorrow" and I will find someone else to do the dishes. But if he had said, "aw, mom, do I have to?" while he was busy playing a game, then I would say "YES, you have to". That is showing him I respect him, but also teaching him priorities in life. Now if he said he would, then didn't, there would be consequences, which would be known ahead of time. The punishment should fit the crime, whenever possible. so if the crime was not doing dishes, then they would pile up until they got done, and I would not cook another meal until they did get done. Even if that meant I (or my husband & I) would go out for dinner, leaving the kids to fend for themselves (after assuring there was an adequate food supply in the house for them, of course). Once a kid had let the dishes pile up over several meals, until there were no clan ones left, and seeing I was not backing down, they would finally do them, and realize they got dishes, "with interest" and they would have saved themselves a lot of trouble to have done them when first told!
If a kid is not listening to you, perhaps you are saying too much.You say they listen to interactions between your husband and your kids, why is their response different with you? Ask them, you may find much insight in their answers. It may be because since he's not there most of the time, he's not demanding as much of them, so each demand then carries more weight. "choose you battles". Or perhaps, they know if they ignore you, you will give in to them and not force them to do whatever it was you wanted and he will. If there are no consequences for disobeying, why shouldn't they? They need YOU to be an authority figure (whether they realize it or not)Part of that is testing your authority. Parenthood is not a popularity contest!
When my kids were younger and still living at home, we had a chore list, which they all helped devise. That way, each one knew what he or she was responsible for, without being nagged to death about it. Since they were a part of planning it, it didn't feel like I was the tyrant, forcing them into slave labor. It was; these things need to get done, everyone in the family has to do their share to accomplish them, the older you were, the bigger your share was. Then, after everyone was satisfied that the chores were fairly divided, if someone couldn't, or didn't want to perform a particular task at a particular time, they needed to trade chores with someone else, but they were still responsible for their share of the workload. No allowance at the end of the week, if they hadn't done their share of the work to earn it. Once they were old enough to hold jobs outside the home, they often paid the younger kids to do their chores for them, which seemed fair to everyone involved. Now that they are adults, the ones still living at home, do pay their share of the utilities & food as well as occasional chores as there schedules allow.
M., mom of 7 who is very proud of the mature responsible adults they have become, g-ma of 11, and enjoying every minute I'm with them, and glad they can go home when its time!

Love and Logic is the best parenting tool ever! It's entertaining and gives you simple 'why didn't I think of that' solutions to our parenting troubles. Try loveandlogic.com
I was lucky enough to go to the actual class. The instructors are fabulous, but the videos are absolutely wonderful. It's full of great advice that actually works! Good luck!

Go to the website www.haveanewkidbyfriday.com. The man who has the info on there is very good and raised 5 successful children. He is big on having real life consequences for kids. Like, you don't ask them twice to do something, like for a chore, if they don't do it the first time the sibling can be hired to do it out of the other's allowance, or if you have to do it then you pay yourself out of the child's allowance. Sometimes it's hard for us to let them suffer the natural consequences (within reason of safety, of course), but it prepares them for real life and is more effective than our nagging!
By the way, my kids are 5 and 3 and we are working on this too.
S. J.

little something to add... try calling the school or counseler. If they had that training they might do it again, or even at a time you request, even a private phone conversation. I work at a school and when parents call for help we are very willing to go out of our way to work with you. Usually those kind of set up meetings, we have little people show up, so I would bet they would be thrilled to hear from you.

Good luck :)