Getting Stricter with My Dd, but She Feels Rejected

Give her lots of positive reinforcement and rewards for good behavior, but to a degree in which she is still expected to act a certain way without always getting rewarded. Spend one on one time with her.

Lots of expert advice here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

This is what I would tell her: No matter what you do wrong I will always love you. It is because I love you that I discipline you. Parents are here to teach their children between right & wrong. I love you when you are good, I love you when you are naughty, I love you when you are sleeping, & I love you always... Repeat when needed!

What is the x that you want done and has there been a big shift in rules and expectations or was it over time?

Do you catch her being good? Do you do things just because? Bake brownies. Color? Go to the park?

We had to seriously guide my SD through 4th grade (just an example) and it was tough for all of us, but we also tried to balance it with fun times so she didn't feel like it was all bad news.

Does your daughter do lists? If, for example, you want her to do the dishes right when you get home, then make a short list of after school chores so she can check them off. Or if before bed she needs to take a bath, get her clothes picked, pack her backpack, make that short list. Little chunks so that she doesn't feel overwhelmed and can feel successful when she completes it.

Also, sometimes we asked the kids, "Okay, what's YOUR idea to get x done?" My SD wanted a later bedtime so we talked about it. We said the problem was that she didn't get up on time the next day and made us late, so she had to prove she could deal with less sleep, and if she did everything she was supposed to for 2 weeks (or something), she earned her 30 minutes. She stayed at one bedtime for a long time and all we did was point to the agreement and it took the emotion out of it.

What is your tone of voice when you tell her to do X and again when she doesn't do it and you reprimand her?

Sounds like this is a new rule that you will only tell her once. That is unreasonable for this age. I like AV's suggest to make lists. This way she knows two ways by your asking and by the list.

Her brain is still very immature and it is difficult for a child that age to remember what she's to do. They're also impulsive and want to finish what they're doing before doing the new thing. But then they don't remember.

I suggest that you tell her once and then remind her a second time. You can be strict without being harsh. Be sure your voice is relaxed in the way it would be if you expected her to follow thru. It's so easy to be tense in situations like this. We want to see change quickly while in reality all change is a process that may take weeks to form the habit.

I also urge you to give her 8 compliments for every criticism. We all thrive on compliments. They also make us feel that we are good which makes us better able to get with the program.

Do you make a point to spend fun time with her every day. You have to share happiness for her to feel loved. When it' possible include her in doing chores with you and have fun doing them. Also give her choices when appropriate. You don't say what x is and so it's difficult to come up with an example.

Also do you make chores fun? One example I've seen several times is to set a timer for everyone to pick up a room/put their things away. Make it a contest to see who can finish first.

Show her a lot of love. Give her lots of hugs. When you hear her crying go in and talk with her. If she'll let you give her a hug and tell her you love her. Just listen as she tells you how she feels. Do not try to justify your rules. This is a time for her to vent and release her feelings. By allowing her to vent while you're treating her in a loving way will help her feel loved.

Talk about the rules well before bedtime. Another idea is to make a list of things that need to be done that are appropriate for her age and let her choose what she wants to do. Decide together when she'll do them. Perhaps make a chart so that she can mark the chore off when it's done. this will help give her a sense of accomplishment. Praise her every chance you get.

What activities are you cutting back on? You're cutting back on company too. Is this for discipline? I suggest that at this age the consequences need to fit the situation and should be short term. For example if she doesn't get her chores done it's reasonable to say she can't have a friend come over the next day or the next opportunity. Also give her ways to earn back the activity or company. In this example if she gets her chores done the next day then she can have company again. You can also say that certain things have to be done before she has the friend over or is involved in an activity.

One of the difficulties in parenting is finding a balance between teaching responsibility and allowing them to be children. It does get better once you find this space and are consistent in your expectations. Praise, hugs, and happy times together are an essential part of this.

My daughter is in 3rd grade also, and she too has a sensitive temperament. From time to time, like any child, she will choose to do something other than what I've asked her to do, and I'll have to send her to her room (which is the worst thing in the entire world, as far as she is concerned). She will cry as if the world is coming to an end! After she calms down, I will go talk to her and ask, "What can you do next time to avoid getting yourself into trouble?" and "Was it worth it not to do what I asked you to do, the first time I asked you?" I listen to what she has to say. I think it's important not just to correct the behavior right away, BUT also to think later about what she could have done differently and why she made the choice she did. This helps keep the focus on her behavior, as well - and reminds her that it is always her choice. She is only punished if she makes poor choices, and the choice is hers to make! They do have to learn to accept responsibility for their choices and for the consequences.

She's 8. Not an adult. Sure she should obey .. . but what 8 year old doesn't. It takes practice to be a good child. Just like any other thing you LEARN. Have you ever heard of 1, 2, 3 magic? For awhile, things are going to be like counting to three or else time out. You are going to have to remind her every now and again. 3 chances and your out. That would be more reasonable than once or your punished. Slowly take out 3 then 2. But that should be a very slow and gradual process.

"I always love you but I don't always love some of your choices."
And then discuss how she could have made better choices so she knows better next time around.
If it goes no better next time, then it's time for
"Come on now. We've discussed this before and this time you know better."
And of course when things DO go better, tell her how proud you are of her and thank her for being such a sweetheart and good helper.
And try to have a hug/snuggle period once an upset is over so you both are reassured you are ok with each other again.

It sounds like your approach is not well matched to your daughter's personality or needs.

I strongly recommend a brilliant, practical, and very readable little book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I have used those principles with my grandson since he was around 2.5 with wonderful results. The book shows how real parents learn to set the conditions for real children to address real problems. Though we don't usually think about children in these terms. they can be creative problem solvers, and teaching them to do this early in life is a wonderful gift. This book is my all-time favorite.

More fantastic titles:

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD. I'm just reading this now, and it's a gem, especially for parents who may have had a very strict and rule-bound upbringing themselves. You can catch kids with honey, even if vinegar has no appeal for them.

The Science of Parenting – based on studies by brain researchers measuring the effect of different parenting techniques. There's a lot of tradition and presumed truths in parenting. These are often at odds with real-world results, but parents forge ahead with what they know and are puzzled by the outcomes.

I hope you find an approach that gives your daughter the reassurance that she needs.

sounds as if there has been a recent re-vamping of house rules and expectations, and this is a good thing. most parenting philosophies need an occasional overhaul.
i LOVE that you pre-empt the tedious assertions that a child who is expressing herself is 'manipulating.'
it does sound as if you may have changed things too abruptly, or that your consequences aren't making sense to her. you might try sitting down with her and allowing her to participate in deciding what the consequences of making you repeat yourself or being clingy and whiny will be. if she has some input, she won't feel so rejected and out of control. any behavior change involves a learning curve. she won't get it right all at once. your discipline should allow for some time to get used to the new rules.
you are obviously a sensitive mom who wants a child who understands boundaries, but is also very aware of how your little girl is feeling. i have no doubt that you will find the right balance.
khairete
S.

She sounds like a sensitive child. I dont mean this in a bad way. I was watching a show yesterday on this very topic and they were discussing the fact that sensitive children tend to feel more deeply and take things very personally. From what the 'experts' were saying apparently when disciplining a 'sensitive' child you should always tell them that you still love them and that you always will but that their behaviour was not and is not acceptable and that they are being punished for that. It has nothing to do with how you feel about them as a person but that they cant act that way or do those things and expect that there will not be concequenese for their actions. They said as long as you lay it out in black and white, defining the fact that you are punishing/disciplining the actions/behaviour and not the child per se that they should start to understand that it really doesnt have anything to do with your love for them. And always reassure them that you love them but you will not tolerate that type of behaviour.
Good Luck

Lots of hugs! Try to give her positive reinforcement 4 times as often as negative reinforcement (learned that in a parenting class). Plan occasional special activities with just you and her.

Have you tried telling her exactly what you've told us? She needs to know that the older she gets the more responsibility she'll have with things. I agree with the past posts- make sure she is being reassured a lot and is being shown affection.

Sit down and talk to her when things are calm, not in the heat of the moment. Explain to her what your expectation are as far as her behavior and why you are doing what you are doing. It sounds like the change came on suddenly, and she is obviously reacting to it. Maybe your punishment is too strict, and you need to come to some type of balance. Some behavior is normal for an 8 year old, she is learning, and that too is a process. Children test boundaries, and I believe that they need consequences, however I also believe in picking battles. You do want her to know you love her and set rules, and you can do that in a loving, but firm way. I also believe in warnings, some children need to be reminded until they get it.

I think it is good that you trying teach her to be a respectable person. She may feel like she does now but she will appreciate it when she is an adult. True, she is not an adult but she is not getting any younger and she must understand that you are her mother first and maybe her friend later! When she does something that she doesn't really like, explain it to her but always assure her of exactly what you mentioned, You will always like and love her but don't like what she did. We live in a "strange" society(to me), where alot of parents feel their children have to like everything they do and HAVE to be their friend, and I see children suffering, becoming crazy,lazy adults having children and repeating the cycle. My mother expected to only have to tell me one time what to do, sometimes she didn't have to say anything she gave me "the look", and it was done. I respect her and appreciate her raising me the way she did. so just continue your path but she constantly reassure her that you want her,love her and you are trying to raise her to be a good adult, but when you see that she does what you needed her to do the first time, mention that to her also, let her know that you appreciate her respecting your wishing and that you are proud of her, it works both ways. good luck to you.

you cant all of a sudden one say im going to be strict... this has to happen when they are babies sorry but i dont blame her for feeling this way in her mind thats exactly how she sees it. you need to go see a therapist together

Explain to her that it is your job as a parent to teach her how to behave, be respectful, be responsible, etc that it is your job to raise her to be a good grown up. You can also explain how if you didn't love her, you would not care if she made her bed, care if she cleaned up her toys, ate good food, went to be on time, etc Explain that you love her MORE everyday as she gets older and that the older she gets, the harder life will be as she gets more responsbility. Tell her that childhood is fun and easy but as she gets older she gets more freedom to do more things but yet also has to act more like a big girl. Is there a reason you are getting stricter or cutting back on activities? If there is, explain the reason to her. If there isn't and you are just changing the rules on her b/c you think it is time, you may have more explaining to do to make her understand.