How Do I Deal with Behavior Issues?

I hated that I was becoming the "yelling mom" and was looking for real solutions for my 4 year old at the end of last school year. "Real" solutions being something other than what my grandmother was telling me... to hit. I do not hit my kids, it is a conscious choice, so her solution was not an option and not something that would work at all anyway. The Faber and Mazlish books are great for getting a handle on what is actually going on in those kids' heads. Please please please read them.
Other than that, you can try positive reinforcement with them. This will work for all of them, even with the age difference. We currently use a system that we call "good boy bucks". My husband created some "good boy bucks" with Microsoft Publisher. It looks like a small dollar bill with my son's face in the middle. We made 1, 2, and 5 dollar increments. Whenever he is doing something good - playing nicely with his sister, being quiet at a time when he needs to be, getting ready without being asked, cleaning up without being asked... anything GOOD - he gets a buck. You decide how many bucks based on the behavior. If it is really good, he gets more bucks. He keeps them in a "wallet" on the refrigerator next to a menu of items he can buy with his bucks. Example: 2 bucks = watching one episode of a TV show, 4 bucks = long show or movie, 6 bucks = ice cream at local ice cream shop, 15 bucks = mini golfing, 45 bucks = this Playmobil playset that we have been sitting on for a while. He can use or save his bucks as he chooses, so far he has been saving for the Playmobil set. Just as he earns bucks for good behavior, he loses them for poor behavior (this is becoming less frequent and we have only used this for about 2-3 weeks). This has really changed things in our household in the past few weeks.
I'm sure that it is hard going back and forth between houses and getting to the bottom of their feelings is going to be a big first step for you, but after that, using some positive reinforcement is really going to keep them moving in a good direction.
Best wishes.

Hi, A.:
Since y'all have many family members involved with your children,
have you thought about having a family group decision making conference
or a restorative conference to help everyone learn what each other is dealing with.

web sites for resources are:

www.collaborativelawpa.com

and

www.iirp.org

Good luck. D.

There is a book that I bought and started reading called How to talk to your kids will listen and Listen so your kids will talk. It talks about how to listen to your kids and listen to their what they have to say and identifiying what emotion they are expressing. Botton line is to listen to them and what they have to say. If they are fighting listen to what they have to say when they are upset and then take it from there. Yelling and screaming and threatening with punishment is not fixing the problem. Good luck,I definantly recommend the book.

I definitely believe in consistent rules and consequences for kids but sometimes learning good communication and conflict resolutions skills equally as necessary in a family. It sounds like stepmom could have used some training in this area and it sounds like your children have learned to be fighty and disrespectful from her. Or, perhaps. they are this way because they do not feel as if they have had a voice and their opinions are respected by that part of their family.

I hate to say it but, I think it is up to you to show them a different way for all of you to communicate as a family. It sucks that you have to undue the damage that had been done by this outside influence but it's a good chance for all of you to learn how to talk things out instead of bottling the tough emotions up until you explode, and how to listen and be supportive of each other. I think that if you do the research on this, you will find the books, system or advise that will work for you and your family and help guide you in creating the loving, compassionate, and supportive relationships that I know you want to develop with your children.

Wishing you and your children all the best.

I second the positive reinforcement advice. I do time-outs with my 4-year old, and also a reward chart. The chart is pretty detailed - it has categories for the day - breakfast, morning, lunch, nap, afternoon, dinner, evening, bedtime, sleeping. He gets a green, yellow, or red for each time of the day. If my son gets all "green smiley faces" on his chart for the day, he gets a gold star at the end of the day. When he gets 5 gold stars, he gets to pick a prize from a box (filled with items from Target's dollar bins). It's time consuming to keep up with the chart all day, every day. But the reward for good behavior does work much better than the time-out for bad behavior.

I don't know if the chart system would work with the 9 year old, but I really like the "good boy bucks" system that another mom mentioned. Sounds like a good way to make a reward system for an older child if you think the reward chart is too 'young'.

Just be consistent with your consequences!! I am in a similar situation with my 5 year old...because of different rules at his dads house sometimes he feels that he can come home and act the same way here...consistency is key...I know it stinks when you have to be the one constantly disciplining, but as long as you say what you mean and mean what you say, they'll learn that mama means business and it will slowly get better...if they learn they can get away with it now...it will be a lot harder to fix when their older (ie: teenagers)!! hang in there and stay tough!!

I'll bet you (and your kids) will love a terrific parenting approach described in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

The practical wisdom in this book will make it a resource you reach for again and again. It's my current favorite with my 4.5yo grandson. The techniques and ideas are mutually respectful and show you how to peacefully make your needs known to your children. It will also show you how to help your kids recognize and deal with their own emotional needs in more positive and responsible ways.

Everybody I've talked to who has actually tried this approach has expressed amazement, with comments like "Where has this book been all my life?"