Setting Boundries for My 6 Yr Old Daughter

My nine year old is like that. I ended up giving her two choices everytime I needed her to do something. Both choices were something that I would be OK with. It worked great though because she still got a choice and therefore had more power in the situation, which is really what she wanted. I only give her 10 seconds to respond with her choice and if she can't make up her mind then I make it up for her. It stopped the need to say "Do this because I said so." Which I personally hated.

Good luck to you!

My, your daughter sounds like a six-year-old!

Sometimes, our children go through very developmentally appropriate stages of exerting their independence. We are certainly familiar with the toddler "no!", which is one of the first manifestations of this. However, as children become older, their verbal skills flourish, and at this age your daughter is entering a season of reason and trying out her own logic. This certainly comes across as argumentative, but another perception of this is that your daughter is asking you to take her ideas (and she, herself) seriously.

If it were me, I would change the limits around this. When your daughter is challenging your request and you DO have time to listen, sit down with her for a minute and give her your undivided attention. Just listen to her idea without criticizing it, even writing it down on paper. Writing things down sends a signal to her that you are taking her seriously. Then, let her say what she needs to say. Unless her idea is unsafe or disrespectful/immoral, I wouldn't shoot it down right away. Instead, ask her "Let me think about that for a few minutes" and consider what she's saying. If we give our children "no" answers to everything and are always "right", they don't feel heard, just defeated. Then, decide yes or no, or suggest a compromise, and do explain yourself. Don't worry about "setting a precedent"--remember, she won't be in this stage forever.

Try to keep in mind that this really isn't a battle: it's just a question of what is important to you, and our job as adults is to guide our children by explaining why the "important" things in life are important. Being flexible about when we say "yes" doesn't actually send a message that Mom's a Pushover, but it does show our children that we respect and value their thoughtful work in trying to find their own solution to problems or requests. It's worthwhile to examine how often we can say yes to our children, and to do so whenever we reasonably can. Over the long-term, kids who get some "yes"s and some "no"s gradually begin to feel like it's safe to ask for parental approval because they won't be immediately shut down. (Very helpful in the teen years when they are likely to throw this back in our faces!)

Of course, there are certainly times that you need directions followed immediately, in which case you can say "This is a time for following directions. I need you to get in the car now. Once we are in the car, I'll listen to your idea and see if we can use it for next time."

One more thing I'm going to point out, and that's the last part of your request: I think we parents tend to believe that we should be unconditionally obeyed by our children. It's often what our parents expected from us. But it's a very high bar to set for our kids, both because of the fact that this questioning is an important stage in their development and because they are human beings too. If we put ourselves in their place, would we want to work for a boss who just gave directions without a reason why and expected them to be followed, even if they didn't make sense to us? Would we like to work in an environment where every suggestion was shot down? It's really not that much different. Yes, we hope our kids should respect us, but unlike the generations before, we are starting to see that respect is a concept that is best displayed mutually. If we treat our children in a manner that we would like them to treat us, they get actually get to "feel" what respect is; otherwise, it's more or less an abstract concept. I know that the Bible says to honor our parents, and we are also called to be judicious and thoughtful parents; I think that we can do both. We as parents can be the heads of our household and help our children be heard by honoring their developmental needs.

For more reading on the verbal exchange with our children, I highly recommend "How to Talk so Kid's Will Listen and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Mazlish and Faber. An excellent book with very practical advice.

C.-

Your 6-yr-old is not too young to learn respect. They are actually teacing respect and responsibility in my son's kindergarten class. It is important for them to learn to respect others and that respect needs to start at home.

I've been getting good ideas and advice from a book called "Boundaries With Kids" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. It sounds like your daughter is pushing her boundaries. Your husband won't like it when it happens to him. We put boundaries around our kids to keep them safe and teach them to respect and get along with others.

Best of luck to you.
-B. m.-

You are doing exactly what you should be doing as a parent.Children will always challenge your authority to varying degrees, and some kids are certainly harder than others. Yes, pick your battles but consistency in given situations is what really matters. If you are unable to call the shots at age 6, just think about what will happen by the time they reach their teens and start reaching for independance.
Good Luck

No--She is not too young to understand that you have rules.

When she argues, she is playing a power game.

"How far can I push my mom?" If you engage with words you are playing her game. If you get mad you are playing her game.

If you walk away you are not playing her game.

The question is, do you want to play her game?

If you ask her to do some thing, and she doesn't do it, and you get mad, you are playing her game, but what kind of consequence can you have? She can lose a privilege, activity, place to go, tv program to. But she should know this ahead of time.

You can put these things on a chart. You ask her to do something, she doesn't do it, you cross it off, in front of her so she knows that she has lost it. Stay calm! If you get mad you are playing her game of power.

No do not stop with the boundaries at all. She has got to respect those and will as she gets older. She is just testing you.. I have been there with my oldest who is 30 now.

Hiya~

I read something in another post that maybe you could tell your husband - take her age and add ten years and ask yourself if you can deal with it then only double the amount of work. It went something like that. My friend's 13 year old son is this way and she feels so helpless and frustrated. Back talking does get worse - remember when you were a kid and wanted to question everything or put your oppinion in all the time? Being "hard" now equals easier times down the road when they really become hellions.
One thing I am teaching my kids (this is hard and they do get time outs frequently but after several weeks they are catching on!). When they start to say no or ask why I say "The correct answer is yes mom". My hubby is on this and reinforces and I do for him as well if they try to do it to him with a "Correct answer is yes dad." If they still persist it is timeout till they are ready to say yes mom or yes dad. Boy they hop to now! I have them say yes mom at other non-confrontation times so that it is a regular thing.
Problem is that hubby HAS to be in on it. Explain to him that you aren't being hard, but that you fear having a teenage daughter who doesn't listen and won't even do what is requested of her.
They are never too young to understand - mine are two and three and very well know that they are being defiant - they even smile aftwerwards! It is hard, but you can do it. But hubby does need to be on board or it sends mixed messages. Especially if he ever says it in front of her - kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for and this will divide the household. Whatever gets set in place right now will be the household norm forever. I hope things get better for you.

Sounds like she has developed the need for making some of her own decisions... Try giving her a couple of choices when you want her to do something. "Hey, do you want to empty the dishwasher now or after we read a book?" or "Oh look, the dishwasher needs to be emptied - would you like to do the top rack or the bottom?" This gives her a little control over the situation and doesn't seem like you're giving her an order to do something. Also, the two choices are within boundaries you set and are both acceptable to you. This is a method I've learned through Love & Logic (these books/videos/classes are great!)

I wish you would give an example because first you were talking about setting boundaries, then you went to giving directions. I am not sure what you are talking about, sorry. If you are setting boundaries, like no more than one hour on the playstation, then be consistant and set your boundaries on discussing it. If she harrasses you, tell her if she keeps mentioning it, she will lose playstation priveledges tomorrow.

If you are talking about giving instruction on how to do something, like what order to put her toys away, give her the freedom to put them away in the order she wants as long as they get put away. If it is instructing her how to tie her shoe, obviously, there are a few ways to do it, but if you don't do it right, it won't get tied.

Or if it is which direction she vaccuums, tell her you want it a certain way so it looks nice, but give her the option to do it her way as long as it gets done, there is no right or wrong way to vaccuum. She has to learn by doing, sometimes it means doing something wrong and learning from it. So, pick your battles and give her the respect to do things her way too. I might have totally misunderstood, so if you give an example, that would really help. Good luck with that.

Hi C.-

I'm right there with you right now! My 6 year old daughter is having a stage where she doesn't want to obey, makes disrespectful sounds and faces when told to do something, or when she is complying she does it VERY slowly! Aaarrrggghhh!!!

You have a few good suggestions (I'm going to use, too!). I just wanted to let you know that I think it must be a stage because another 1st grade mom at our school was telling me she's going through the same thing. Thankfully we go to a tiny parochial school and the teacher is completely reinforcing what we're teaching at home and keeps in touch with us if anything happens at school.

I do give reasons to my daughter about the more mundane things, and I listen to her complaints to a point and discuss with her, but when it becomes rebellion or disrespect, then the hammer comes down!!

My son seems similar to your daughter. Sometimes he is not meaning to back talk but wants to share an alternative to my directions. He has a pretty creative and logical mind and sometimes does have brilliant ideas. I struggled (still do) with how to teach him to obey and yet give him a voice. In the end, we've taught him that after I tell him something he needs to do he can ask, "May I ask a question?" or "Could I suggest another idea?" If my answer is no, he needs to reply "yes, mom" and obey right away. Other times my request isn't set in stone and I tell him that he can share his idea. Then I'm sure to listen to his idea and I might agree it's a good alternative or I might say "not this time" and he needs to (without argument) do what I originally asked.

Hope that helps!

1..2..3..Magic works wonders at this age. The idea is that you expect your kids to follow directions immediately, whether it is to pick up their toys or stop arguing, if they don't follow directions immediately then you count 1...2...3. If by 3 your child is not stopping or starting the desired behavior you put them in time out. I love this method and still use it on my teens. Before I was a yeller. I found myself constantly yelling at them to get things done. Now I simply say "That's 1" Rarely do I have to get to 3 anymore though they do still test me on occasion.

We used to have a long list of rules in our house, and I would get frustrated because my 4-year-old would break them and because (she says:) she kept forgetting. I also felt like I was always nagging her, and I didn't want for all of my interaction with her to be negative. We changed our system so the ONLY rules in our home are 1. No throwing fits and 2. Do things the first time your asked, and do it with a smile. My daughter loves that she only has 2 rules in our home, and I love that my 2 rules cover just about anything that could possibly go wrong. I love the "do it with a smile" part, because it usually takes care of the grumbling while she drags her feet to do what I ask. And she likes it because it's kind of like a game for her to see if she can stay happy while following directions. I've noticed that A LOT of positive reinforcement when she DOES do something the first time I ask without complaint has helped with this rule more than anything. If she blatantly disregards it, she has an immediate time-out, if she claims to forget about the rule, I try to find a punishment that is applicable to the situation. i.e. If I ask her to get her shoes on so we can go to the mall and she takes forever to do it, then I tell her we don't have time to stop to play on the toys because I had to spend that extra time coaxing her to get her shoes on. Another suggestion is to read Stephen Covey's "7 Habits for Highly Effective Families" It's an excellent book that doesn't cover this specifically, but I think the concept of the "emotional bank account" that he talks about would be beneficial too. He basically talks about how the more "deposits" into a child's emotional bank account you make by positive interaction, compliments, etc, then the more effective your occasional "withdrawls" will be, when discipline is necessary. Hope that helps. Good luck...it can be frustrating. But I agree with everyone else that consistency is key.

No you are not being to hard on her. She is at the age where she needs to learn to follow directions from her teachers, parents, adults. I would say stay consistent. Pick whatever discipline works for her. Tell her that when mommy says to do something you follow it wihtout question. If she refuses, then put her on a time-out. Then again explain that mommy told you and you need to follow what is told. Again the biggest thing is consistency, do it every time.