Help! Terrible 3'S

I highly recommend "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Three can definitely be a very trying age (although personally I found sassy 4 to be the toughest!) and this book really helped me learn how to respond to them in ways that were helpful to both me (no yelling) and them (learning how to act appropriately).

Hi Ann,
3 was way worse for our son than 2. He was pretty verbal, so the things he would come up with to say were so frustrating. Even now, he "disciplines" us right back. It's like having a 13 year-old in the house! What works for us (and I have to admit, we're still struggling with this) is talking about consequences, and warnings. We write down priveleges on a dry erase board, and after a warning, those get taken away (things like TV time, outings, etc.) We also talk a lot about choices, and how we can choose to act. I often ask, when he says something rude, if that was the right thing to say. He'll usually admit that it was rude, because the alternative is to act like he doesn't know that it is, which I think is even harder for him (to admit something he doesn't know). That usually gets us to turn around the language. Good luck. It's a hard age!! But I think it's probably a phase, especially if your daughter's temperament was sweet to begin with. I think sometimes it feels like "my good kid is gone forever" but we've found they usually come back in a few weeks. :)

Ann,
You've probably heard this before, but the power of positive praise is tremendous. Whenever you "catch" your daughter being good, praise her up and down for it. It may seem over-done to you, but a 3 year old will melt under the positive attention. Try to give her tasks that she will enjoy, then praise her for being so helpful and respectful. While this will not magically make her bad behavior go away, over time you will see a difference.

With regard to requests, try to give her choices. The trick here is to make your daughter think she's in charge by letting her make a choice, when really the choices you are providing get you to the same means. For instance, when it is time to go to bed, you can say, "Honey, before you go to bed, would you like to read 3 books or have Mommy tell you a story?" rather than, "Get your PJ's on and go to bed." A request with choices helps to alleviate the response of "no," since the child has to make a choice instead.

Unfortunately, the behavior at school is more difficult for you to control, since what you tell a 3 year old at home is unlikely to transfer to a school environment. If you were able, you could ask to sit in on her school day for a few days, so you could use your positive techniques with her in the classroom. It might also give you some insight into why she is becoming aggressive with friends. Otherwise, you can always ask the teachers to use the same techniques you're choosing to use (such as positive praise and choices). They may say "yes" and then forget all about it, but it's worth a shot!

Best of luck to you!

I thought I'd pass along an idea that we used last week (and continuing this week) with our 4.5 year old daughter. We were having rough mornings and difficult pick-ups from preschool some days (whining, fussing, etc.) so one day I made a chart with the days of the week and 3 goals to work on. It worked like a charm - there wasn't a reward other than a smiley face and a star and she was still very motivated. This week, I made a colorful chart with 3 goals - 1 new, 2 the same and made one for her 2.5 year old brother too. A couple times during the week I'd remind her that she was working on her chart and she'd improve immediately. She was really proud. She actually made ME a smiley face chart and hung it on the refrigerator too : )

Have you read "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka? It's $10 at amazon, used from under $2
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/104-###-###-####-###...

My sister read it with when my niece was about the same age--helped a lot. I'm reading it now; although my son isn't as "spirited" it still has some great info.

Good luck!

Consistency and patience worked best for me with my now almost 4 year old. He was a sweet boy but very stubborn and smart. I think that terrible 2 is wrong it should be terrible 3. I have a book called Time-out for Toddlers by Dr James W. Varni and Donna G. Corwin. I wouldn't say take it word for word, but they have some great techniques to use for typical problems in toddlers. Also, for our son routine and sleep played a vital roll in his behavior. If sleep could be a factor I also recommend Sleepless in America, it was recommended by my family practitioner. The changes have been drastic along with his maturing and better understanding of right and wrong as well as the punishment that follows. I learned that if you get to the point of yelling ( which I found myself doing often) you have let the situation go to long. Our son was smart enough to figure out the number of times he could repeat action before there was punishment. At 3 your daughter may be too young to understand having something taken from her b/c at that age they are so easily amused by most anything and are able to move on to the next thing fairly quickly. Don't be discouraged that taking her doll away is effective for school, my son is always a complete angel for others. Also teachers have far more patients than most, or else there is no way they could do there job. Hang in there and be strong, remember ultimately children love to please. B/c you want to correct this behavior it will get better, there are so many parents who don't even try.