How Do Been..

something my dad had me do when I was a teenager (and on the verge of suicide) was make two lists ... side by side on a piece of paper.

On one side of the paper I wrote down ALL the thing I DID like about myself, EVERY SINGLE THING. On the other side of the paper he had me write down EVERY SINGLE THING I didn't like about myself. Naturally at the time the list on the dislike/hate side was MUCH longer.

After that he made me look at what I COULD change and what I COULDN'T change. Things like my height or the general width of my hips and shoulders .... those were genetic and built in my bones and I was stuck with them so I had to accept them. ANYTHING else I didn't like about myself ... well that was where my choices lie. I could work on changing them or leave it alone. But only I could change the things I didn't like about myself.

That didn't mean there wasn't help out there. There was. And there is for you too ... you have to REALLY be ready for the change and the work it takes to change. But also be willing to set realistic goals for change. It doesn't happen overnight. You have to be WILLING to hear the hard stuff and do the hard work.

Honestly I suggest you get a complete physical with blood work as well as finding a good psychiatrist (who can prescribe meds if needed) and be WILLING to really work on this and be WILLING to let go of the self-hate.

good luck ... it's not easy for sure. But SOOOOOOOOOOO worth it in the end.

It is not ok with me that a member of The SistaHood is dying inside.

If therapy has failed you, you have the wrong therapists.

It's a shameful waste of your gifts to live your life this way.

If you need someone to talk to PM me anytime. In fact, there's quite a number of briiliant intelligent generous regulars on this site. Any ONE of them will be there to help you personally.

Find the one you like the best, and send her a PM please.

Don't spend another day in darkess, L.. Reach out. Help yourself so we can help you.

Your post hurts my heart. I have not sensed despair in your previous posts, so if I have not answered in the warmest possible way, please forgive me.

I'll be thinking about you today.

:(

At a similar point in my life I received advice from a casual friend. She suggested some things that made a big difference.

Do something outside yourself. For some that would mean to volunteer or work at a job that took my mind away from my own feelings, so you have something else to concentrate on. That wasn't possible for me, so the thing I did was to plant a flower that needed my daily attention (water, food, being sure it got the right sunlight, etc). When that little guy flowered, my spirit soared! Find something to do outside yourself, even if it's just planting a flower or plant and helping it grow.

Spend some time outside every day. If you're moving outside that's even better. It doesn't have to be a long walk or strenuous activity...just go into the back yard and stand in the sun and swing your arms. Anything that gets you to breathe fresh air deeply will make you feel better.

Stop eating anything processed and make sure you're getting enough water, fruit, veggies and vitamins. Stay away from caffiene, alcohol, etc during this time. A good miltivitamin might be a good idea, too.

Start two lists. One is a list of things that are good about you. Even if it's something small, like having good hair, or being able to sing on pitch...anything good about you. You need to remember how marvelous you are.
The other one is a gratitude journal. Every night before you go to bed write down everything from that day you are grateful for, large or small ("my daughter woke up today" "I saw a butterfly" "grey's anatomy wasn't a re-run"...) whatever you felt happy about, write it down. You'll be amazed at how much good there is around you. And as you see the beauty around you you will start to see the beauty that is you, and you might start to like yourself again.

These aren't quick "cures" or long term fixes, but doing these things got me to the place that I could find my way toward happiness. You can decide on the further necessary (long term healing) steps after you're in a better place.

And remember that everyone here who took the time to respond cared enough about you to do so.

L., I applaud you for your honesty. Please go find a professional to talk to yesterday. I know therapy does not work every time but if you open yourself up by getting outside your comfort zone it can make a big difference. This sounds like chronic depression and there is treatment out there Honey. You deserve to feel better. Your family doctor or your pediatrician would have a referral for you. Please know God loves you!

I was lucky enough to find a therapist that worked for me. I worked with her for 7 years from the age of 22-29. She gave me a foundation I lacked and helped me see that I was a person who had value and worth. But it took a LOT of work on my part - lots of digging and dealing with stuff and trying to be honest with myself. It's hard and I still have some issues related to the way I learned how to be and react in childhood. The RIGHT therapist can make all the difference. I had a spot where I moved and looked for a new therapist - he was worthless and I quit him after a few months because he just threw ideas at the wall to see if they would stick.

I can't help but suggest therapy, but you need to kinda figure out what might work. Before you can learn how to like/love yourself, you have to get to the root of why you DON'T - if you can't get there yourself, you need someone outside of you to help you discover it. This can be very hard to do yourself. A therapist, though not a friend, is supposed to be a safe person/place to put out all the deep dark, sad, etc. stuff that we feel is too tough for others to deal with.

If you have close friends who are true friends - and the number doesn't matter, it's the quality - please do talk to them. True friends would not judge - this is your depression talking.

The only way to like yourself is to dig deep and discover what it is that is causing the feeling of not liking yourself. The one strong suggestion I would offer, you have already decided will not work for you, which is counseling. (I suggest this because I've been there, done that, etc. and came out much the better for it. Sometimes counseling doesn't work because we do have a bad counselor, sometimes it doesn't work because we aren't really ready to hear what's being said or to do the work. I've been in all of those situations.)

My encouragement to you would be this: don't limit your possibilities before exploring them thoroughly. If you want to feel better about yourself, it will take hard work. Talk to your doctor; "deep down I am dying inside" does sound like depression. Only you can decide what you will and won't do to get to a better place in how you feel about yourself, however, it would be worthwhile to consider all the options available to you instead of immediately ruling them out due to previous bad experiences.

And I've never found any silver bullet that helped me to feel better. It was my commitment to doing the work and that investment in myself which eventually (not overnight! years!) got me to a better place. I hope something works out for you. The worse we feel at the start, the longer the journey to wholeness... but it's so worth it.

So what are you looking for in support? We can't offer the kind of support you need here. I understand where you are at, have been there myself. Still working on it. I don't have many friends either and would not turn to them for this type of support. I can say you do need support of some sort from real life people and I know how hard that is to find. 12 step groups are great if you can find the right one for you. Counseling can be tough to find the right counseling using the right technique for you. There are so many types and so many different counselors it might be worth trying a few more times. also try both male and female as they think differently and some are better for some people. I have had both and male counselors do nothing for me, and many of the female ones did not help at all either. I finally found one who is helping me. Of course no one is perfect, but you may have to keep trying. If that is absolutely not an option, look at the 12 step programs, read some self help books. Do some research online about it, find some support groups online initially, but eventually you will need to find something or someone in person. But starting online can help too. There are support groups fro everything online including 12 step programs. And online is sometimes easier for me being a single Mom it is hard to find time for anything. But if you want to change which it sounds like you do, then you can find some time, even just 1 hour a week. Take care! I will keep you in my thoughts.

ETA: You keep saying you have been thru therapy numerous times. What I would ask is how many is enough to get the help you need. I was through therapy more times than I can count before it helped me. Well lets see was it actually more times than I can count, let me see, I will give an estimate of about 20 times before I found the right one. Yes I thought it wouldn't help, yes I thought I had been through it all before. Yes, it was a lot. But in the end is my life worth it? Is yours? I would have to answer yes. You are worth it, and counseling didn't work not because it won't but because you didn't find the right therapy or the maybe you did find the right therapy but not the right counselor using that technique. And sometimes you might find the right person and have to work with them for while before needing to ask them to change their style for you. There is someone out there for everyone, I believe this as far as meeting a mate, making friends, counselors, etc. There are lots of fish in the sea, and there are lots that are not going to fit with us and lots that will. finding them is the challenge. I would challenge you to stop saying things don't work, because if you say that, they won't. I would challenge to say to say you are worth the effort. In therapy or anywhere in life. Now I will say counselors are not the end all and be all, and you may do just fine without one. But you need to find some sort of support, someone you can talk to and work through this stuff. You deserve that. We all do. We are all just people all struggling.

You never really know how a friend will react until you reach out, do you?

Talk to someone. Please reach out, L..

Do you belong to a church?

Well, you said you did not like counseling, but maybe you need to try different counselors or different types of counseling? Perhaps there is a support group in your area you could join. How about clergy at a church? I know there are tons of groups online, maybe you could peruse some, just as a start, to find others going through the same things you are. You said you just had surgery, so maybe you could get in touch with your doctor and ask him/her about any good referrals for therapists or groups. Please don't feel that you are alone and please don't feel that you have to live this way! I wish you the best!

For me, it was easier to figure out the things that weren't working for me and changing or getting rid of them. By doing that, it helped me strip down to my core - the real me without everyone else's wants and desires leeching off of me and disrupting me - and figure myself out. Only then, did I really start liking myself.

I hope this helped a bit, but even if it didn't, I wish you the best and hope you figure out your path soon. Hugs.

Write down a list of good things about yourself and your accomplishments despite your past. Look at how far you have come on your own, memorize those good points and tell yourself literally, I am beautiful and if I don't tell myself that, nobody else will. Tell yourself I can do anything I put my mind to - Remember everyone you meet has weaknesses and faults. You are put on this earth for a purpose. Focus on others, and the good about you will come out. Then you will know who you are and what you are capable of doing...