How Come I Can't Ever Stop Worrying?

My son went through a spell like this near the beginning of the school year. He was used to the smaller kindergarten recesses and now his old friends are making new friends with people in their new classes. My son told me he has asked to play with them and they all told him no. So i said okay well then you need to do something that will make them want to play with you. Being a boy I asked him if the basketball hoops were usually available and he said yes. I said okay well get a basketball and start shooting hoops. If no one comes and asks to play then at least you are practicing for basketball this winter and you will be really good by then from all this practice. But I bet that other kids will see you playing and they will want to play with you. He agreed to do what I said (although i told him i would give him 2 bucks if no one asked to play and he ended up playing alone) so when I picked him up he said to me, "mom you were right, I had 10 kids come up and ask if they could play with me!!!!!" We haven't had a problem since. I know that girls are harder since not a lot of them want to have anything to do with a basketball but maybe you can think of something she can do that would intrigue other girls to want to join her????? I also told him that he was not to tell anyone that they couldn't play basketball with him.

She will make friends eventually.
You can help this along by having her take a class or activity after school where she can meet more people and have friends outside of school.
It's funny but having friends anywhere seems to help make friends everywhere.
An outside activity gives her something to talk about and something others can relate to.
My son knows SO MANY people from taekwondo of all ages.
We have people saying 'Hi!' to him when we come across each other in stores.
It doesn't have to be a lot of activities (people get carried away and over book their kids), maybe just one she finds interesting and fun.

I think she is fine. Unless she is being bullied or left out of things I would just make sure you keep talking to her so you know how she is feeling. If she is on the reserved side it will take time to fit in. Just keep reassuring her. I would also make the effort to get involved in her classroom a bit and meeting the moms of other kids. That will also help break the ice.

I believe as the parents it is up to us to teach our children how to work with their given personalities. I, too, have a shy child, and we work on how to be more assertive; we discuss what is going through his mind and try to alter the thought process to be more positive; etc...
There are some great kids books out there, as well, and we read about other "shy" kids and how they handle things. That helps because it makes my son realize that he is not the only shy kid and then he can read about how the characters in the books handle situations.
Here are just a few:
"Stick Up For Yourself" by Gershen Kaufman
"Speak Up and Get Along" by Scott Cooper

Just my two cents. Kids will figure it out, but I truly think we have to give them the tools to help them along. It is our "job" to help them be the best they can be and to love who they are and work with their personality traits.

R.

I am on the EXACT same boat :( My son is extremely reserved around kids in a school environment. He is also in 1st grade at a new school and still wants me stand in line up with him until they walk in the class. He is not snobby, but I can see why kids would think he is, because of the subtleties he is giving them...like not looking around smiling or making small talk, etc. He will not do this at school for some reason, drives me crazy! Is it possible for you to volunteer in the class at all? Then you can check the kids out pick some that would be compatible with her and get the parents contact info. I did this recently and they will play great on a play date, but not always during recess. She sounds like a bright girl that will figure it out. Just continue the open line of communication and give her stories of when you were a kid and laugh about them together. My son loves when I talk about how goofy I was in grade school and challenging experiences with kids...sometimes I embellish to help him relate ;) Good luck, give her lots of hugs and acceptance and home and the rest shall fall into place. xo

It's harder when you're not there to meet the new parents, but you can still make an effort and set up some play dates outside of school. Ask your daughter who she'd like to play with -- you can call or email the teacher and ask for contact information for those parents, you can write a note addressed to the family, have your daughter give it to the kid/put it in the friend's cubby/give it to the teacher to give to the parents. At our school the secretary is a warm wise lady who knows everyone and everything, she'd give people information via email if asked. Our PTA also produces a school directory every year, you should find out if one will be available.

Reach out however you can -- email and phone calls are just fine! Whatever friendships you can foster for your daughter outside of school will make it easier in school.
Good luck!

Why can't she call a classmate for a play date? Just because you are a new family to the school doesn't mean you can't reach out and meet people.
I'm sure your daughter will find her way, but you might also want to get her involved in sports or Girl Scouts. It's good for kids to have social opportunities outside of school :)

1) Meet some other parents so you can arrange playdates.

2) Your husband is correct, she will be fine, BUT, you can help her learn how to join in at recess. Here's how:

The problem is that she is ASKING the other girls if she can play. I have been working with kids for 20 years, and I have observed this and I know it to be true: Kids can sense shy, passive kids, and they often respond to them by excluding them. You need to tell your daughter not to ASK if she can join in -- tell her to just start playing with the girls. She needs to learn how to assert herself.

This will be a little hard for her at first, but with practice, she can do it. I have coached many kids to do this, and I have seen that they can learn how to be less shy. If you watch the un-shy, more popular kids on a playground, you will see that they never ask people what they want to do, they just take over, and they tell others what is going to happen.

Now, your daughter won't turn into a leader, but she can learn to not be passive. Coach her in this, and role-play with her if you have to. Once again, I have had success in coaching kids to do this, so it will work with your daughter.

Note Sarah's response below. Her son ASKED if he could play with them. Asking doesn't work. They just have to barge in.

I'm a school lunch lady so I suggest you ring the principal and teacher and ask them to keep an eye on the playground situation. It may be just a one day thing but if it's happening a lot the lunch ladies will be aware of it and should be looking out for new friends for her to join in with. First graders take a bit of time to figure out where they stand in what happens on the playground!! Also look to joining girl scouts or doing a club outside of school so she can meet new friends and although you work you should try to attend the school PTO meetings (mostly held in the evenings) so you can learn more about the school and help out and perhaps see your kid in action - then you can really see how they behave!!

It sounds to me like she'd be better off making new friends since her and the other girl have a love/hate relationship.

Is your daughter involved in any extra curricular activities? You may want to encourage her to join girl scouts and or a sport. This way she will get to know the other girls outside of school.

Could you also encourage your daughter's teacher to publish a classroom directory? The teacher would need the parents' approval but this would help you to arrange playdates with some of her classmates. I think if you held one on one playdates outside of school it would allow your daughter the opportunity to get to know the other girls in a more relaxed atmosphere.

I'd also keep encouraging her to make friends and tell her to be patient it will all come together.

I kind of scanned your prior responses and didn't see anyone suggest this so I will. My kids school has a teacher in charge of kids who need help socially. Like shy kids, overly agressive kids, whatever. If they need help socially, this teacher has a class for them! I think its an hour a week where they all get together and she gives them tips on how to make friends, what to say to friends, how to enter into a group of friends to play, etc. I want to say at our school it was called something like "circle group". But check with the front desk and ask if they have something like that, I think the social worker did ours. Also, ask your teacher to have the playground staff keep an eye on her during lunch and recess and see if she truely is by herself or if she indeed is playing with kids. Sometimes our kids make it sound like they have "no friends" when they really do. I hope you find something to help her. Good luck!

So that sounds like something my husband would say, if he would say anything at all. Men don't believe in communicating. At least 99% of them.

Anyway, I would speak with the teacher. Asking her if she knows of another girl whom your daughter would connect with. You know a girl who is laid back, and maybe a little more outgoing than your daughter. Not opposite, but not quite as shy. Then maybe the teacher could sit them next to each other and/or before recess, say you know you two girls have things in common, did you know that? Or something similar.

Unfortunately this situations don't go away. My 14 year old daughter ate lunch by herself on the first day of high school. Broke my heart. Most of her friends at lunch at a different time. Things got better though.

It will for your daughter too.

Good luck and God bless.