Holiday

Communication is a beautiful thing, just ask..

Also remember, Christmas is not the only time you can go and visit them or they could come and visit you, especially if you sent them tickets.

Yes-or invite them to come visit you

As others say -- you have to ask. You really have to. You know already that you can't just turn up. And if you wait until it's very late and then ask -- they will have plans and you will be even more hurt and upset.

What I see as a red flag here is this: "My husband of 30+ years refuses to ask them their plans for Christmas."

That's very passive-aggressive of him. Why won't he ask? Does he want to go but fears they will say no? Does he think on some level that if you don't ask, but just turn up, they'll HAVE to see you? Is "not asking" his way of telliing you that he has zero intention of going at all?

Can you see how his refusal to ask is a huge red flag that HE needs to do some work and you need to get him to talk to you?

It's not clear whether he wants to go at all; plans to go and surprise them, which could be a disaster; is resenting being told before not to come, and thinks he's "punishing" them somehow by not mentioning the holidays; or whatever.

You are over-analyzing and over-thinking this. They have very young kids and the dad is active duty military who just came home; by December they will all still be adjusting to each other and to their new home and I would not ask about coming for Christmas; I would say, "We would love to see you BUT we truly understand how tough it is to have so recently moved, to have young kids, and to have a dad and husband who has been away. We want you have space to see each other and adjust. What if we talk about a time for us to visit you when it's NOT the holidays and things are more settled?"

Any adult kid would bless you for that!

Two other things:

Don't let the other grandparents and their seeing or not seeing this family affect you at ALL. I hear some envy in the post. The other grandparents offered them a place to live yet you also mention that these grandparents, who lived closer than you did, did not visit as often. I understand the issues there and the feeling of "we made more effort but the other grandparents saw more of them." And you mention at the top that now the kids and grandkids are a mere two hours from the other grandparents, so of course you're jealous of that fact. But please drop be the bigger people. Focus only on your own time with the family, not on anything the other grandparents do or say. You cannot control the distances involved, or the fact that the other grandparents will inevitably see more of the family than you can.

And try to detach from the holiday-visit thing. So many people feel they MUST visit or be visited by family on the holidays. It's not that big a deal. Sure, you'd like to see the kids open their gifts, but if that comes at the cost of tension and stress and feeling guily that you're there -- why do it? Let the kids have "second Christmas in February" at your house if the parents are OK with it. I've had so many friends with so much stress and hurt feelings over who was where on Dec. 25 exactly, or who ate with whom precisely on Thanksgiving Day. I never had a stressful holiday on that count because my mother always said that the date did not matter at all; what mattered was seeing each other, whenever.

How are you supposed to know if you don't ask?

If your husband won't ask, then you do it. Maybe you can all come up with a nice plan.

Granna:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Please thank your Son In Law for his service and sacrifices to our country!! Being deployed is not easy!! I'm glad he made it back safely!!

I guess I have questions before I answer:

I don't get why your daughter had to leave her home while he was deployed. I will assume they don't live on base? Because if they lived on-base - they don't pay rent.
Where is he stationed?
Is he National Guard instead of Active Duty?

Okay - now as to your question - YOU are the parent here. Yes, your kids are now adults but really. Your husband sounds like he is acting like a child instead of a man. I get he is hurt. Okay. Get over it. Stuff happens.

Communication is key. ASK them what they are doing for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Work it from there. So YES!! Talk with them and find out what is going on. It's that simple. ASK - COMMUNICATE.

Yes, you should ask. But if they decline, be sure to try to find out when would be a good time to visit. With pre-schoolers, they will have important milestones (maybe a "first" recital or tball game). Sharing these times with them may be even more rewarding than sharing a holiday. Just imagine how much more relaxed and enjoyable a visit would be without the anxiety and hassle of gift giving, huge holiday feasts and so many opportunities for complete toddler meltdown. I hope you will receive the answer you desire. But, if you don't, try to consider the possibilities of a better visit. As for your holiday without the grandkids, you tried the casino and it didn't work. Maybe try a cruise or beach vacation this year!

Yes ask and get it over with. I can tell this is really hurting/bothering you. Family dynamics can be difficult, espcially around the holidays. For this reason, I'll be spending them with "drama free" friends this year.

I wish you all the best because if you are travelling this year, it's time to make the reservations.

How about acknowledging that it's hard to please everyone and offer a time around the holiday but maybe not ON the holiday. I LOVE my ILs in part because rather than go crazy trying to figure out who "gets" Christmas, DH's family gathers somewhere between Dec. 23 and Jan 1 for our Christmas and share presents and food and it is SO MUCH more relaxing. Nobody has to run off to another event. It's just about us.

My sks have us and their mom and will presumably have inlaws some day...I would much rather see the grandkids when we can spend some time together than try to fit inbetween other visits.

So I'd ask but not to join in with the ILs. I'd ask to plan your own. Bear in mind, too, that their son just returned. I bet they would really like to see him at Christmas. Or maybe instead of inviting yourself to their home, consider paying for them to visit you?

Yes, ask what their plans are and then be honest and express your desire to spend the holidays with them! Hopefully everything will work out.

~So if your son-in-law was deployed last year I imagine his parents didn't see him for the holidays last year and I imagine they will want to spend it with him too, huh? Offering to come to them will be the best bet instead of asking them to come to you, that way they can see both sets of parents for Christmas.

I think you're just going to have to come out and ask what they have planned.

I was very fortunate in that my in-laws and parents loved each other. Distance was an issue, but we never felt like we had to choose one family over the other. We ALL got together at every chance. It was pretty cool.

I can see your husband being a bit stubborn because perhaps his feelings were hurt, but the fact remains that not all families can be together for every single holiday once the kids are grown and married and living a distance away. I wouldn't want to hold a long grudge about it.

I would just mention that you are trying to make holiday plans and put the bug in their ears. On one hand, Christmas is coming up so quickly, but on the other hand, it's still a couple of months away. With your son-in-law just getting back last month, you don't want to add pressure of holiday plans.
Just bring it up and go from there.

Best wishes.

Yes, ask them. Since your post implies that you haven't seen your son-in-law since his return, use that to start the conversation. You don't mention whether or not they are still staying with his family, if they are, this may be a bit tricky, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

Also keep in mind that if she says 'no thanks' to Christmas, then maybe you could get together for Thanksgiving, New Years, or even the week before Christmas, or New Years Eve. So many choices. We have a lot of family around. So much so that we spread the visits out through Dec.

If she does say no, consider traveling somewhere more memorable then a casino for Christmas. Hawaii, Vail, Branson ...

Just ask them. In a calm way.
Don't show anxiousness in your voice.
How is your daughter... is she the type that gets irked easily?
You are not being unreasonable, to want to ask.
This is family. This is your only grandchildren.
But you also live farther away.
So of course, you need to know ahead of time if you can visit. Common sense.

Now, your Son in Law, has his parents... of which perhaps, depending on the dynamic of your daughter's marriage and with his family... perhaps your daughter HAS to, do what her Husband wants???
Or what HIS parents, want.
There is that dynamic as well... which you may not know about.
And who knows what kind of people the In-Laws are like.
Maybe THEY are pressuring, your daughter and their Son, to visit them.
There is that possible dynamic as well. Which you may not know about.

Since your daughter said to you last year that you not come... did you ask her why?? Maybe it was because of her In-Laws??? Or her Husband???? Maybe she had to say that, per the way her in-laws are.
That is a hard situation to be in.

Before you get mad at her or refuse to ask them their plans this Christmas and if you can visit... consider that, your daughter may have other issues too... with her Husband or "his" wishes/plans or because of your daughter's In-Laws.
Don't.... blame her before you know the whole story.

Sure, ask them their plans. This is a normal thing to do. And you would like to see your Grandkids. That is reasonable. But ask it in a calm diplomatic, manner.

I have In-Laws.. and my MIL NEVER EVER has made an effort to come visit us in the 15 years we have been married, AND she has never ever made the effort to even come and visit to see our kids. She lives far away. Still, she CAN come. She just has never made the effort. Instead, she expects US to go there. Even if it is costly for us and a LONG trip for young children. She also... has TONS of Grandchildren where she lives... my kids are my Mom's ONLY grandchildren. So I see her as being very irritating. My MIL never considers this, that my Mom has only my 2 kids, as family and as Grandchildren. Meanwhile, my MIL has tons of grandkids there and a big family. But she never makes the effort to even come here and see us. So I get what you are saying.
And my Mom, is the one that does SO much for my kids and us. My MIL does not... she doesn't even call us. WE have to call her etc.

Anyway, just some things to consider.
But don't be "mad" at your daughter... just because of last year. Call her and ask if you can visit and what their plans are.
Maybe her In-Laws... are difficult or maybe her Husband, is saying that HE wants to do things with his family. But they can be mature about it and explain in a mannered way.
But you did see them in Feb. and June.

Do you do Skype with them? It is free, www.skype.com
It is a way to video and talk with them online, via the computer. But you'd need a camera for your computer etc.

You said you/Hubby usually travel at Christmas. But, now there is your daughter's In-Laws and their plans too and what they want their Son to do for Christmas. So they have to please everyone, or cannot, and someone will be upset.
And your daughter may be in a hard situation too, and has to please her husband and In-Laws too. So it must be hard for her, too.
And what if they just want to spend Christmas by themselves?? That is their right, too. If that is the case.

Yes, you can certainly ask unless there's something going on with your relationship with your daughter that you haven't mentioned. And instead of just asking what their plans are, why not say that you'd like to come visit during the holiday season and would like to know when is best for them. My mom does this every year and I appreciate her flexibility. We like to have Christmas with just us and the kids, so she usually comes the day afterwards.

Your daughter probably told you not to come last year because she was staying with the in-laws and didn't want to create waves. But now that she's got her own house again, why wouldn't she want you to visit?

Yes. Now is an appropriate time to ask and start planning.