Hmm... MIL Issues & What to Do?

I have similar issues, however my husband has always been supportive and aware. You cannot talk to them, because they will never listen to you. If it is going to chance, it has to be because they decide too. The only thing that worked for us, after not seeing or speaking to my MIL for almost 2 years, was the thought/risk of not seeing her grandchildren. My husband told her point blank she had to knock of the behavor and comments or she would not see the grandkids. It has worked and she is better. We still do not see her often, but it is bearable when we do.

Good luck.. I know how stressful this can be.

They are not going to accept you, as my MIL doesn't accept me. Luckily, my hubby is well aware of how his mom behaves and doesn't approve of it either. She is from a different world, trust me....I could go on forever about the way she thinks.

We (I) finally had to stand up to his mother and be very blunt with her as to how I would allow my children to be treated. My husbands brother allows her to walk all over his children and his wife and she fully takes advantage of it. Funny thing is, she doesn't do NEARLY as many horrible things to us that she does to them...because they allow it.

I wouldn't say it's peace that we have reached, but it works for us. We have made it clear that this is OUR family and we will do what WE think is appropriate. We have even gone so far as to keep the children away from her if she will be doing things we don't approve of (ie there is a family she visits that we think is 'shady' to say the least).

My MIL certainly hasn't accepted me, I just stopped caring...LOL! She has plenty to say when we are not there, Im sure, but there are very strict rules (sad it has to be that way) about how she acts regarding our family.

Maybe it's time to lay down the law (I had to do it in letter form so I could choose my words wisely, make changes, and mull it over for a few days...or I WOULD have gone off on her!) Write it up, explain to hubby that the 'time has come' and see if you can come to an agreement!

~L.

**One more thing that I thought of (Im sure you have too), your hubby IS in the middle, but YOU can make him feel less so by being the 'kinder soul'. You may have to bite your tongue til it bleeds, but in the end you will come out the 'better' person! ;)

Hello A., I know this is a few days late, but maybe it can help you in the future. The main problem is not your in-laws. Believe it or not it is you and your husband. This is his family, so him sitting on the fence gives your in-laws the power to treat you and your son this way. Really its an extention to how they treated their son. It is not your job to deal with them, but his. You should deal with issues in your family, and he should deal with issues in his. Most situations like this, is do to overbearing parents, whom their own child (even as an adult) is too afraid or intimidated to stand up to. It up turns the apple cart!! But they will never back down until their son is mature enough to stand up to them and let them know that he is no longer a child and refuses to be treated like one. That includes standing up as the man of his family and not allowing you or your son to be miss treated by them. You point out that your hubby doesn't support you on the issue of his parents, you also mention that you don't want your husband to be in the middle, so you need to stand back and not prevent him from taking a stand for his own family, and remind him that his own son is now being put in the middle. Your child deserves to have peace in the family and believe it or now, your in-laws will develop a new respect for both of you. I used to be in the same boat with my in-laws, but my ex never did stand up to them in our marriage, but did in his second one when the pattern repeated itself and he realized it wasn't me after all. I wish I knew then what I know now. Hind sight is 20/20. Good luck, and have a happy holiday.

Hi A.,

I don't understand something, why would your son freak at having his picture taken? Is there tension just getting together for a picture, or is there somsething else? And if they are causing that much stress with your child, why isn't hubby stepping in? You have to pick your battles with your in-laws, and it sounds like your goal with her would be mutual tolerance. Even thugh her response right now is fake, it is an effort on her part. Hard to swallow that your in-laws can't be warm and loving like the family you would like, but it may make it easier for you to accept that and find the goal that is liveable. Your husband won't get in the middle, but won't take a stand, which is a notch in the downfall, as he is not putting his family (meaning you and your children) at the top of the pyramid of priorities. You say you don't want him in the middle, and he shouldnt' be, he should be supporting his wife and children. At the very least, he could tell his mother to back off when it gets too heated, but the absence of that is reinforcement for her behavior. If he thinks his non-involvement is 100%, think again. The absence of ana ction says volumes also, and your MIL could be interpreting that to be reinforcing her behavior. As the others have said, learn what you cannot change, accept that, and move on from there. That could mean that you simply don't communicate with her, have your husband arrange get togethers with the family, etc. Take a deep breath and move forward. Good luck

A.,

I'm so sorry your family has to be this way. Sometimes no matter how much we want things to be nicer, or for people/family to accept us and love us for who we are, it just doesn't happen.

My only advice is to change your expectations, most likely she is never going to change, and sad as it seems there is probobly nothing you can do to change whatever opinion she has of you, no matter how unfair that opinion may be.

Even if you don't want your husband in the middle, unfortunately he is. The only thing you can control is yourself. You can set ground rules and boundaries that put your children and your marriage first. Sometimes a simple "No, I don't think we will be able to do that" or a "No. Thank you for thinking to ask us though" answer to requests can be effective. Do not offer an explanation unless you want to. You are not obligated to, you do not answer to her.

You can always start avoiding them or keeping the children away from them, that is your perogative, although children pick up on more things than we give them credit for. Eventually your son will see things for what they are. You can always take the opportuntiy to make an example of it when he is older, something to the effect of "Yes, Grandma could be nicer, but she is your Dads mom and since we love Dad, we are nice to Grandma" or something to that effect anyway, kids are so much more observant than we give them credit for.

Anyway you have the power here, it is YOUR choice to include her in your family or not. Just try to keep that in mind, it can be very empowering. I wish the best to you all, God Bless.

A.,
It is your husband's responsibility to you, as his wife, to stick up for you and tell his family how it is. (We had issues with my MIL overstepping her boundaries, and I made my husband handle it.) It is HIS mom and she is being rude and disrespectful to the woman he has chosen to spend his life with. If your MIL already doesn't approve of you, then why is your husband trying to avoid a confrontation and keep her approval of HIM. The truth is, you and him are a package deal and if MIL disrespect you, it is a disrespect to her own son too! You need to be united as a couple. Make HIM take a stand on behalf of you... he is the one with the leverage of blood... and they won't listen to you anyway, especially if they know they know your husband will not back you up! Good luck!
K.

I was having a lot of issues also with MIL and SIL. I really try and remember that this is still my darling hubby's family (his father passed away 25 years ago). I know how sensitive I get when we talk about my family so I try and really watch what I say. I also had a long talk with my husband during a relaxed time. I told him that I need to talk to him sometimes just to get it off my chest, and at that time all I need is for him to tell me that he appreciates that I deal with his family so nice. I find the less hostile I am, the more he jumps to my defense. My SIL I feel I do not have to deal with much, I feel like I have to be kind to his mother but his sister I do not have to take. When she is nice, I am too. When she is not, I walk away. When I need to complain hard, I talk to my mother or sisters... and leave hubby out of it. I do not always like how my mother-in-law talks around the kids and some of the things she does, but I figure that they have to make their own relationships with her, one day my oldest told her she was mean and that changed her more than anything I could have said or done.
Things are not perfect, but hubby and I do not fight like we did and I have his love and support.

I feel your pain. I have often dealt with the stuggle of MIL and SIL scorn. Honestly, I stay away when I can come up with a good reason. That takes the stress off of me and allows my husband to be with his mommy. The bottom line is that we can't change people. You've heard it before. So protect yourself and your child.

Good luck.

S.

I agree with Sharon P. I think your IL's want the memories. I would have someone take a family picture of you, hubby and the kids with a digital camera and then you can take it to any store and have it blown up and put it in a nice frame and wrap it up for Christmas. It shouldn't matter that it's not with Santa.. Hope all goes well and don't ruin your holiday over this.

Okay here is my story and is similar to yours. My MIL, when told that my husband (fiance at that time)and I were getting married she told him to choose me or her. Well obviously he chose me. It was strained for several years. We are the only ones that have produced grandchildren for them, but they seem to want to be around my bil and sil's pets more than my children. The reason is it that is all about my MIL. If she is not the center of attention, she doesn't want to be at any event. She will not change.

My husband to a certain extent has stood up for me. But lets go back to when he and I were engaged and preparing for a Catholic wedding. The deacon told us that NO ONE should come between me and him. If they do, they shouldn't be a part of our lives.

It appears your husband loves you. But he is the one who must step up and let your MIL know that he has a family of his own and they come first. If the MIL is not able to treat you with respect, then any visits will be limited or non existant. Quite frankly she sounds like a spoiled child.

This may seem harsh and always easier said than done, but she needs someone to stand up to her. In the long run, she will have more respect for your husband and you.

My MIL knows better than to mess with me. I stand up to her. We have gotten, for the most part and 16 years later, to enjoy her company.

I wish you well in this. It is not easy, I know.

Many blessings,

M.

I hope I'm not going to sound negative, but chances are the real problem is your similarities with the in-law women. Men marry women like their moms. They act like their dads. That's very general but often true. It is in my case, but for years seemed not so. What we do share in common, is a strong will, and a firm belief we are right. I think for me it was 2 more kids that finally made me ease up because it was energy I couldn't afford to spend. I really needed her. When I did let go of controlling the situation, she did too. We get along okay now but I don't think she likes me much. I admire her but don't agree with a lot of her beliefs. But what the kids get from the relationship, even if their beliefs and attitudes about a lot of things are polar to mine, is very valuable. It actually teaches tolerance if you approach it right, and all the inner peace is futile w/o communal peace. Your situation might be worse than mine, but if your husband and you argue about it, that's a bad thing. I would just ask yourself what you can do to change your approach rather than hope they'll adjust theirs. Let go of what's not critical and be kind always. You didn't mention a FIL? If he's around I would guess he "stays out of it", and that that's what your husband tries to do? You need to control what you can and let go of what you can't.

Unfortunately I don't think your husband is going to be able to please his family at this point. I think he is going to need to be the one that tells his mother that your son, you, and your husband are a package deal and that she needs to start accepting you and needs to respect yours and his parenting decisions. I wish you luck and hope that everything works out.

A.; yes this can be very difficult, i too have had some major issues with inlaws, probably one of the hardest things we had to do was fight over our families, and it does make you feel like breaking up and not even dealing with it, your son feels stress because you and your husband are stressed, they may not feel the stress of others, also we all have to do things we dont like to do, even taking pictures, with families, so allowing him to have his way , in not getting a picture i can understand both sides of it, its hard to let your children do things they dont want to do, but its nothing that will hurt him, so tough one, also the time it takes to coordinate all those in the picture can be very stressful too and a lot of time and work went into it, so to leave i can also understand how they might of felt, however, just be yourself, and love your husband and love your children, just cause he has a mother that is hard to take, does not mean you have to be involved in all the dealings with her, if he needs to go visit her, let him, if you so wish to go too, do so, but its also fun for grandparents to have their grand kids around , so balance must be met, just talk to your husband and work through it, my husband and i had a mother in law argument, well your mom this... well your mom that, but we both had to agree its hard on both of us, but we found out that allowing our personal feelings to well up is not beneficial to no one, so my husband and i will talk about it, and i mean talk, not yell, or acuse, let them be grandparents, and let you and your husband continue in your love and dont be negative about the inlaws in front of the kids, let them know they have grandparents that love them, so hand in there, and just love your family , love your husband and your kids, put them first, and dont be afraid to talk to mom by yourself too, and let her know how you feel , maybe ask her about her mother in law? she might realize she is acting the way she was treated , and you are probably right, it may not be much, just hang in there, and it could be worse, you could have my mother in law, hahaha any way , just be a good person, and stay the way you are and enjoy life, D. s

In my experience, you talking to the MIL isn't likely to help - it needs to come from your husband. She needs to know that it's not about choosing sides, your husband would like both of you, but when it comes down to it he will choose YOU if she forces him to choose.

When we have gone through this, having the DIL and MIL talk things over just got bogged down in details over who did what when, etc., etc. The main issue for my MIL is control, and in the past if things came out of my mouth then it meant I was controlling the situation. No matter how many times I said "we", she didn't take it as my husband and I, she took it as me saying it, and thought if she talked to my husband separately he would usually see things her way. That's why hubby has to be the "bad guy" - not to mention that she loves him and will forgive him, not so with you.

My hubby is what I think of as a "typical guy", no patience for feelings and not reading into all the intricacies of communication. What his mom says will usually sound fine to him, until he tells me and we discuss it in more detail. Then when he would call his mom with a change of heart, she interpreted it as I MADE him change his mind. I have had to train him to say, "I don't know, we will talk it over and get back with you." I have also had to be careful myself to lead him through the thought process so he feels like he has come to a conclusion WITH me, rather than me just reacting instantly with my opinion. This has been better for our relationship (I look less critical of his mom), and if he has ownership of the thoughts he will express them with more conviction to the MIL.

It has helped greatly now that we have a child, because my husband is pretty good about coming down on the side of what is best for him. This has caused him to go against his mom on a couple occasions, which has helped her realize that there are limits. Practice in ways for my husband to see that I am rational and reasonable and that his mom doesn't always consider the grandkids' needs (rather her own!), has really helped, although things are still far from perfect.

It also helps for me to remember that kids need their grandparents for that unconditional love that grandparents give in a different way from parents. And, you can't begrudge the grandparents the great happiness they get from being with the grandkids. As long as the grandkids aren't going to be physically hurt (we have a rule that our son does NOT ride in the car with MIL because she has a bad driving record and does not always follow car seat laws), we try to find a compromise that meets everyone's needs in some way. Example - she would love to have him spend the night, but we won't let her drive with him, and she doesn't have a house to take him to, so she can come to stay with us and I will go to a friend's house for some adult time while hubby stays there or is at work.

With regard to your picture situation, I can't believe the grandparents don't remember a time when kids were terrified of Santa! We aren't even going to attempt that one this year with a 28-month-old. He is deathly afraid of anything new that moves or talks. Stuffed toys that jump or bark, merry-go-rounds, Santa figures in the store that talk to you - No. You probably shouldn't have even gone if you had any idea your son would be scared. I would have explained ahead of time that you were sure he wouldn't do it, and that you didn't want to create a bad experience for him that would make it be even more years before they could have their picture. That would at least put it off for a year, and you could reevaluate at that time. This would have shown them that you agreed with their desire (harmless), but that you were worried about his happiness.

Hope this helps and I didn't ramble too much. Good luck, just try to take the bad feelings and fear out of it and stay calm as you decide what to do. And of course, get hubby's cooperation!

The best thing to do is get it all out in the open. Communication is the key, and it needs to be a two way street....as in mutual respect. You and hubby should have a private chat with them, get all your questions answered and set the boundaries of your relationship. You and hubby need to be a united front. We have a bit of this in our family with my brother and his wife. We tried the nicy-nicey thing, we tried ignoring it, it has all blown up in our faces NOW after 20 years. Honesty is the best policy in both directions. Most things can be solved with truth and love. Some MILs are set on interfering in their childrens' marriages, some children are set on not letting the in-laws "in"...just because...who knows why?
In truth with love, be kind but firm. It could effect the rest of your life...good luck!

I agree with Kim H! Your husband's first responsibility in this situation is to you. Period. You are his wife and the mother of his child(ren). I have very similar issues with my in laws. My MIL is a nightmare. She has treated me terribly from day one. My husband has always taken up for me and as a result, we've pretty much been outcast.. which is fine with us. We rarely see them. I really think you and your husband should seek counseling. It would be a shame to end a marriage over this. I'm guessing that's what they want. My in laws would be overjoyed if we got divorced! Your husband needs to learn to take charge of the situation. They are HIS family, not yours. Best of luck to you!

Basically, it is like this...

Live for your family your husband and children.
Be happy in this unit and if his family is going to be happy for him.
They have no choice but to accept it.
I has this issue too. Sorta still do....
MIL starts getting demanding I am not so cooperative.
But it a low key kinda way.
The message gets across.
NO fighting no words needed.
ACTIONS always speak LOUDER than words.
KIDS will tell you that.
I remember my grandmother and aunts being unkind to my mother, as a YOUNG child.
Never did look at them different.
Always remembered. never forgot, but forgave.
I hope you find peace in your heart to
go on and not stress over things that you can not change.
But accept the things you can change.

Good luck,
C.

A., luckily my mil is in the united kingdom but I can tell you that my stepmother has the same issues with her dil (my brother's wives). my mom finally had it and approach my sil. she said her peace (not in front of the entire family) and they agreed to disagree. my mom feels much better and says that if my sil can't get over it she had least had her say. I would say you need to talk to your mil, not during a situation or in front of the family or your son, and get it out into the open. don't ruin your relationship with your husband over this. you are a family and you may be mad when he doesn't stand up for you but men don't see it the way women do and believe that neither party is fully correct in their behavior. hopefully you and you mil will get through this.

I would take my camera over and take a nice picture of all of them. It's just Christmas and they realize the kids are getting older and there will be times when they won't get all together at the same time. Memories are all they want. Also you get in the picture too. Happy Holidays

I agree with Lisa. Yes, he doesn't want to be "in the middle" of things, but he really does need to step up. He chose to marry you and have a family with you, he needs to have a back bone and talk with his mother about her unacceptable behavior. It may never be easy, but it may get better. But I can guarantee it won't if your hubbie doesn't say something.

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with your in-laws. I don't have personal experience with this so my suggestion comes from what I have done with other people in my life when conflict and such has gotten to be too much. Have you tried sitting down and writing a letter to your MIL about your concerns admit that you don't like how the relationship is between you. State that you see the tension effecting your son try to avoid using words that will make her defensive and talk about trying to find common ground and peace in your relationship give her an opening to feel she can respond about her feelings on the way things are between the two of you. Try to avoid exact situations or pointing blame because that will only lead to more fighting. I don't know her or your religious beliefs but I also would encourage you to pray about what to write before you do so and also pray for God to open your MIL heart to be able to take in the words and feelings you are trying to express. It is also a good idea to write the letter and then to put it away for a day or two and then come back and read it again with a clear mind before sending it or allow someone who is objective to read it and point out any ways you may have sounded angry or judgemental. Remember you can't change a person only the way you interact and react to them so pray for God to help you in this area as well. I will pray for you and your situation that you can find some peace and understanding in you relationship with each other. God Bless!

Unfortunatley I don't really have any good advice on how to handle this situation, because I have lived it myself. I only have to say that it is their loss. My hubby did stick up for me w/ MIL and stuck by my descisions as a Mom even if he didn't totally agree. My parents and hubby's parents are way older than most people's parents are at our age. His Dad died in 02 when my daughter was two and his Mom is 77 and we just had to put her into a nursing home. I have always been civil to her out of respect (what my parents taught me) I never told hubby he could not see her and he would take the kids over to her house when I didn't want to go. Now though that she is in the nursing home she appreciates me and the kids a whole lot more. I do her laundry and get her the things that she needs. She actually apologized to me and the kids saying that she was so sorry for the way she treated me and that she was jealous of me because I took her only child from her. She said she was too wrapped up in herself and her problems to even be a good Grandma. It was sad, my kids do not have a close relationship with her and she regrets that now. So my advice I guess would be to have them sort of see into the future the kids love them now because that is how they are but when they actually have a mind to see what is going on then it may be a different story. It is too late for my MIL to do anything with the kids now, we go and see her at her home on Sundays as a family and I do everything I can because then I can always know that I was never disrespectfual and I did my duty as a DIL. It was hard to deal with at the time though, just bite your lip, do your own thing, turn the other cheek so to speak and know that the In-Laws come as a package too!

One thing my husband and I put into place is that if there is any issues with my side of the family, I deal with it (as in speaking to them on our behalf) and if it's his side, then he needs to talk to them about it. I think it comes accross alot less confrontational. My MIL, I feel, doesn't want to be bothered too much with her grandchildren. She loves having them, but would rather not watch them or take the initiative to hang out with them and do grandmotherly things. This really pains me more than it pains my son. And since all my family is from the cleveland area, my MIL is all i've got. WE have resorted to babysitters and childcare because of her attitude towards this. It has been and will always be and issue for us. I have accepted that this is what it is, and unfortunatly i feel that it might be what you have to do in your situation as well. Just look out for your own kids I guess is the best advice I have. MIL's are stubborn, and if anything, this will teach you how to NOT be when your little man has a wife one day.

I didn't read any other responses so this may just repeat what they are saying... But just in case its not...
You don't get real specific with what your MIL does...
Does she still treat Hubby like he's a little boy and try to control his actions and decisions? Or is it an emotional manipulation. Like she feels that he isn't paying enough attention to HER...?
Basicly is it a control thing or an emotional thing that is driving her to interfere?

As a mom you have to stand up for your kids. As a wife you stand up for your husband. Its the same for your hubby. As a father he must stand up for the kids and as a hubby, he must stand up for you.
I am not saying to be disrepectful to his mother... But it will not be what YOU say that will change the dynamics. Only Hubbys words. Some men do have a hard time disconnecting from an overbearing mommy... Just as some moms have a hard time letting their kids grow beyond their control.
Nothing you say or do will get you "accepted" as one of them in your MIL eyes. You have stolen her sons heart... Even though she may not hold that against you, you have taken a piece of something that once was all hers.
No matter what hubby or you do, Hubby will always be "in the middle". He is the reason you have this MIL. MIL will always call HIM to report on the latest thing YOU did... It is not logical to "stay out of the middle" when dealing with the person who gave you life and the person who completes your life. You don't want to hurt either, but if they don't get along, you feel torn.

Talk to hubby. Ask him to sit down with you and write a letter to MIL. Keep it civil. Do not have anything in it that makes either of you uncomfortable.
Tell you Inlaws that YOU LOVE THEM... APPRECIATE them, RESPECT them... and that you really want your child to know his daddys family..... etc. Also talk about how a hubby and wife is a joint effort job. How you stand beside each other no matter what.... (you both have to agree on this one.)
Make a pact with each other that NO MATTER WHAT neither of you will talk about this subject with out the other present. If they call or start talking about it ask them to put the topic on hold until hubby gets there... (That cuts down on the miscommunication and twisting of things to make one party look better) If you start feeling heated, stand up, say "pause" loudly and that would be the clue for hubby that you need a break. Or hubbys clue to you. Then both of you get up and walk out holding hands. Cool eachother off and make sure to return.:-) Yes, they look at you oddly at first... But hey, if your not there they can't yell at you...
Do not raise your voice, or allow them to raise their voices...Think of how you would react to your child. Calmly and Quietly state, Yelling is not accomplishing anything.

You probibly won't have to cut contact... Just limit it...
Good luck! Gotta go wipe a nose...

I really wish I had advice for your dilemma as I struggle with similiar dilemma's in my 'new' or 'married-into' family. In fact, this time of year, is VERY painful for us as a couple for a very similiar reason surrouding a forced trip to Ohio for a family birthday party the weekend following Thanksgiving (it is an annual event - so every year the pains of this issue get worse - the 'dead-horse' - COMPLETELY relate). If I had answers to your problem in how to deal with the dynamics of the "Santa Picture" - then I could find answers to my own problem. What I know is this: healthy boundaries are numero uno. Especially looking out for the welfare of your son...VERY important. You and your husband started your own family with your own traditions and those should be respected...however, they don't sound like they are. We ended up going to counseling - my husband and I - about the trip i mentioned above - for some guidance - that's a suggestion? Also, having a one-on-one with your MIL or you and your husband speaking directly to her about your concerns may help? I wish you luck - your post really caught my eye and made me feel connected to someone who struggles like I do with these strange in-law requests that get totally blown out-of-proportion...i guess we are all human and have many feelings regarding our own personal needs...good luck!

Sounds very challenging...
I think you're right to stand your ground and stick to the things that you know will work for your family and your child.

I think it's important/necessary for you and your husband to be ONE family and the in laws to be something that is seperate. in other words I think DH should back you up over his mom. How you get him to do that.. I don't know.... I've just found in our marriage that's what has worked for us.

Have you read the Boundaries Books.. I think they explain and give good ideas in there about this...

Best wishes.. holidays are especially challenging with in laws/parents..

My MIL was terible to me and my husband's brother's wife. The brothers both sat down one day with both of their parents and said this is the way it is. You are either nice to us (daugher in laws) or you will not see us or the grandkids. It was strained for a little while but now we have a great realationship. She even came and stayed with us for a week an it was no problem. The key to the whole thing was the men being stong with their mother and letting her know that we were the most important person in their lives and if she could not respect that it was going to be here problem and not ours. Hope this helps. It is really all going to be up to your husband and what he wants to do.

1. It's time your hubby gets a little more backbone and puts HIS family (you and the kids) first. He needs to tune into you and the kids more and recognize that your son has issues that need to be dealt with. Until he can stand up to his folks, he will be faced with the risk that you do which will risk alienation. Does he want that? You and he better get this dilemma talked through now.

2. Your inlaws appear to be insensitive. Where does your hubby get it from????? If they don't see that your son has some Santa issues, and try to force you/hubby to force your son, then they are being very selfish. "OUR WANTS" is what is important, not the little one's peace.

Hubby needs to pay attention. As you're with your son a lot more, you see the insecurities and fears. Tell hubby what you've shared here, that it's enough to send you running, if it doesn't change. He needs a jolt of realism and honesty and just a bit of growing up to do. No one likes to be inthe middle. So tell him to do something about getting OUT of the middle. Where do his priorities lie? He took on the responsibility of getting married and having a family. Is it his parents' responsibility now? No. He needs to step up to the plate.

I understand your dilemma, we have also been having some issues with my ILs. They love and accept me but the issues have been with the children. I think the most important thing is that your husband needs to be behind you 100%. They might be his family but you are the woman he married, the mother of his children, and you are the one he has to live with everyday, and even if his parents don't like you it's not unreasonable for them to be respectful to you and your wishes. Whether he agrees with you or not he needs to support you. This is how we dealt with the problem with my IL's, maybe it is something you can think about. My husband and I talked it through, just the two of us and then asked them to talk face to face. We wrote down some things that needed to be addressed and had a calm, rational discussion outlining exactly what it was we needed from them. Fortunately my IL's are reasonable people and it all worked out fine, I got some things off my chest and we are all better off. It might not work out that way for you, but so long as they know you and your hubby are a package bound by glue, they might at least start to learn that they need to be respectful. I know this is all easier said than done, but I really think it's worth a shot for the sake of your marriage and children. My husband always tells me "it's you and me against the world" and I really think that is how a marriage should work. Your hubby might want to "please everyone" but that is not always possible and you might need to express that to him. I hope I didn't sound negative and I wish you the best of luck!

I feel your pain. Only it's my Mom that is the demanding one. I agree with a previous comment that we are too much alike! However with three kids that totally understand the tension and questions me about it, this is what I have done. I explain that we disagree and that's okay, however she is still my Mom and their Grandma and should get that respect. She tends to treat my 10,12 and 14 year old younger than they are and a 14 year today is more like a 16 year old when I was younger. That won't be explained, it is what it is. For instance I only give her two options for gifts, so my daughter isn't offended and Grandma doesn't see "the look" on her face. Limit you time together, because I can hold it together for a day, but a one week visit it not good. Do what is best for you and your family and be respectful. It works for me to limit exposure to the situation.