Hitting Toddler - Toms River,NJ

You're right--spanking would not make sense to teach her not to hit. Take heart in that she is normally well behaved, as you say. On the rare occasion my toddler hits, we say, "No, we don't hit Mommy," and then ask her to say sorry and give a gentle touch. She used to hit on a regular basis but it doesn't happen much, anymore, as she gets older. Also, depending on how verbal your daughter is/as she becomes more verbal, you can also start talking to her about her feelings, asking how she feels, or having empathy: "I bet you get pretty angry when I tell you no." We used to give my daughter other options for when she was angry, sad, etc.--clapping her hands, jumping up and down, hitting the drum, so that she could use her body to express these emotions in a less interpersonally violent way! Now that she's talking we focus on using words.

Hope this helps. I'll be interested to see others' responses.

PS--Take a lot of deep breaths and remember she is still learning.

Hitting is often their way of expressing themselves when they don't know how to express it otherwise. I would suggest that if you see it about to happen, you intervene BEFORE contact is made. If you can't, immediately stop what you are doing and tell her "We do NOT hit. I know that you are upset and angry that you can't "do/get/have whatever it may be" but you can not hit either. Hitting hurts".

You can further explain that it is ok that she is upset, you are sorry she is, but it is ok. If she wants to tell you she is upset by using her words, that is ok but hitting is not. Obviously, you will need to adjust for the situation and how your daughter responds but one thing that worked w/ my daughter was "I know you are upset, how about you take a few minutes by yourself until you are ready to be nice again".

Also, if you can avoid saying "no" and instead say "would you like to do/have a or b?" That takes the focus off what she is wanting...c.

Imagine just trying to learn a new language, but not having all of the words. Then imagine no one knows what you want or need, because you yourself do not know what you want or need.. Now imagine everyone else is always telling you what to do, what you cannot do, but you are not always sure what they mean and it never seems to be what you want..

Are you frustrated? Are you angry, are you upset?

This is only a tiny bit of what your child is feeling. Until you give her the words to what is going on and she can process it, her world can be very frustrating.. Add spankings to that and you can see it will not solve anything, it will just make her have another feeling , probably loneliness.

He behaior is completely normal. What you can do is give her limited choices. You can give her big hugs and tell her you know she is frustrated, or you know her feeling hurt.

Hold her while you give her a moment to calm herself down..

When she hits, look right into her eyes and say, "we do not hit". "We use our words."

You can also avaoid meltdowns by giving her a heads up.. We will be leaving in 5 minutes, please put the ball in the toy box.

Also distraction works great at this age. "we are going to the store in 5 minutes, please help mommy find your diaper bag." "Thank you for your help." "Oo we need t 2 more diapers, please bring 2 diapers and put them in your diaper bag. "

Give these requests one at a time.

It does take a lot of energy and time on your part to constantly verbalize what is going on, but your daughter is worth it. The more you talk, the more she will learn to talk and then you can avoid these hitting and emotional meltdowns.

One of the best tricks I learned was from another mom. It was "throw their favorite toy away" Everytime my daghter would bite or hit, I take a tow and throw it in the garbage of hers. Of course I take it out and keep it hidden for a week or two then slide it back into her box of toys. It got my daughter to straighten up quick! Also with that, I sat with her everytime she got angry and talked about how to deal with her attitude. I told her if she ever feels angry to come give mommy a hug, or walk away and go to her room. It has to be repeated constantly but she will get it!
Oh dont lax on the discipline, my oldest daughter now has a friend age 5 that is an angry hitter and its hard behavior to control at that age. Nip it in the bud now.

i suggest....with all respect.......that you examine the link between being a 'firm believer' in spanking, and the fact that your child hits when she's angry. i also appreciate your wise observation about spanking in response to hitting.
hitting should result in immediate removal from the situation, and from your attention. she's probably too little for time-outs, but a firm 'you may not hit!' followed by being picked up and moved away from the person she hit, and then given stony silence and zero eye contact, will have the best long-term effect. it will probably require a lot of repetition, but toddlers hate to be ignored. and negative attention is just fine with them.
most importantly, stay calm. if you and she are both furious, all she will learn is more fury. model the calm patience you want her to learn.
khairete
S.

I agree with the throw the toy away......I did it and it does work.........alos, time outs work as well..........letting her go cool off is good, with a talk after the fact........she can't always isolate herself from her anger, but hopefully, you can teach her how to control it.......

Hang in there Mom........you can do it .......just be consistant....take care.

Instead of just No, try giving her a choice, it would need to be simple given her age, but it would give her a feeling of control that might alleviate her frustraion which is probably what causes the throwing and hitting.

Good luck!