Hi,I Have a Question About Smokers & Smoking...

I think I would just head it off at the pass and say, "I am allergic to cig smoke. I'll drive myself and stay in a hotel." That will open up the discussion and take you off the hook.

I made a blister the size of a small salad plate on my back when I was tested for tobacco. They gave me an epi shot.

My parents both smoked and both my in-laws smoke/smoked. I have a choice. I can go to other people's homes where I know there will be cigarette smoke or I can invite them to my home. I can invite them to ride in my vehicle.

When I go to someone's home it is their home and they should never feel like they have to do anything different because of me. That would be just rude.

Stop apologizing when they offer to go outside. Say thank you instead.

Don't ride in their car. Tell them that you will follow them because you cannot manage smoking around you. You have a right to be honest.

Being honest doesn't mean that you are rude. Being honest is taking your health and your feelings into account.

i'm very taken aback that in this day anyone would light up around you, even in their home or car, without a polite 'do you mind?'

if you're that allergic, though, i'm surprised you can ride in their car or visit their home without distress.

no, it's not rude to excuse yourself from the presence of a smoker, but your awkwardness and many apologies afterwards probably made a simple situation much more embarrassing and difficult. why not just go with your friend's nice response to take her cigarette outside, and make the assumption that your comfort made it worthwhile to her?

if you're worried about courtesy, which is nice of you, then be pro-active about it.

before you get into a smoker's car, or go visit a friend who smokes at their home, say something like, 'rosiebelle, i've got a fairly severe allergy to cigarettes, so will it put you out to abstain while i'm in the car/your house? if so, no worries! i'll drive myself/take a cab/meet you somewhere else/step outside while you smoke.'

i know the lots-of-apologies is coming from a nice place, but it becomes burdensome pretty quickly. even if it wasn't a medical issue but a simple preference, it's more pleasant for everyone if you're clear about your needs up front, and then they can make their choices from there.
khairete
S.

A car is a very enclosed space, while I would not say it was rude of them not to ask you when in their own space, it is also not rude of you to ask if they would mind not smoking in the car when you are in there with them. Of course they have every right to say no, and in that case you just have to decide whether to deal with it or provide your own transport. The same would go while in their home, it is not rude of them to smoke in their own home but it is also not rude of you to ask if they would mind doing so outside during your visit, and again it is their right to say no and then you have to decide whether to deal or remove yourself from the situation.

I also have a hard time with smoke. The way to avoid it in a smoker's home or car is to not enter them. Even if someone who is normally an indoor smoker does not light up in your presence, the residue is still there all the time and unavoidable.

You must stop visiting friends or relatives on their home turf and not ride-share in their vehicles. Your control of this scenario is only your ability to protect yourself. Have people over to your home or meet up in a public place.

Stop apologizing. If you were allergic to nuts, would you apologize to someone for it? If they are serving nuts, then you don't go to their house or you take your own food in a separate container. How is it rude to stay away from that which causes a true allergic reaction? I had friends over for dinner and I asked each couple if there were dietary restrictions - I got answers and I abided by it. But it's different if there's smoke, same as if you have a pet (cat, dog, guinea pig) that is a frequent allergen. If someone has a dog and you are truly allergic, you can't be in the house even if the dog is put in another room, right? Why is smoking different.

You don't ride in a smoker's car or stay in their home - even if they aren't lighting up, the residual smoke is there. So it's not up to them to ask if it's okay - it's irrelevant! You decline, you take your own car, you suggest a public restaurant for a lunch/dinner. If you know I am a smoker and you come to my home, you are accepting that there is second-hand smoke. Whether I light up or not, you're breathing smoke-filled air. So I'd stop with the halfway position ("It's okay if you smoke 50 cigarettes a day within those 4 walls, but not okay if you smoke 1 cigarette while I am there.") Same thing if you ride in my car. You're either allergic or you're not. No halfway.

But your home, your rules. Sounds like you have that figured out.

You have the right to decline invitations. "So sorry, I'm not able to attend. Hope you have a great time." Done. No explanation.

As a smoker.....
I would NEVER light up in front of non-smoking friends. It's uncomfortable for me.
I know that smoking is bad for me and second hand smoke is bad for other people. Why would I subject my friends and family to that? In fact, as a parent, I don't even smoke in my home or on the property (we live in a non-smoking complex)
I see no issue with you saying, "I am allergic to cigarette smoke, can you please not light up in front of me?" if you are in the car. If you are in someone's home it's a bit more difficult, only because if they smoke in the home EVERYTHING is smokey. Even if they are not smoking. Might be the kind of friend you have to your place but you don't go to theirs?

I don't mean to be rude - and I could be mistaken, so I apologize in advance if so. But I didn't think cigarette smoke was an actual allergen. I thought (our allergist told us) that smoke can be an irritant - can worsen people's allergies in general (causing runny nose and stuff) and it can trigger (as in our son when he was little) asthmatic type reactions. So I'll answer based on what I know about smoke and allergens, as we're kind of experienced - but it may not be the same for you.

My child with allergies used to react if we went to people's homes with pets and wood smoke. It was the pet dander and the wood stacked (dust, mold, etc.) that caused the actual allergic reaction - and the smoke (if wood stove was going) would just make matters worse (his allergies worse and then he'd sometimes need an inhaler).

I never asked people to remove pets from their home. It's their home. I never told them what to do in their homes. I wouldn't say please don't use your wood stove.

I gave my child allergy medication before we visit (something you may want to look into if you really have an allergy) and that works quite well. We keep visits short and we don't stay overnight.

I agree with Suz - if you have an allergy, I would think riding in their cars and being in their homes would still affect you - even if they weren't smoking. My son still reacts if he goes into rooms without the pets - because their dander remains.

If you simply are irritated by cigarette smoke - which can really be bothersome to some people, I'm not downplaying your situation - then I would just be honest and tell them. Remove yourself from the room or don't drive with them. My husband was a smoker and he left our house to have his cigarettes and he never smoked in our vehicles. Most people are understanding. If they offer to leave, say thank you. But I would always remove myself first if I was in their homes. When I'm around people who smoke, I just excuse myself. Politely. No need to be embarrassed.

Well, it depends. Are you actually allergic, or you just can't stand it? Big difference, in my opinion.

And the only reason I ask for clarification is b/c you said, "Not everyone can tolerate that odor. " That makes it sound like you just don't like it. Not that it makes you react due to an allergy. If you are actually allergic to it, then you must treat it like an allergy. Avoid places where you are likely to be exposed to your allergen, and be prepared in advance if you intend to go somewhere you will likely be exposed.

If it were me, I'd do my level best to avoid going to their "home turf" and simply decline. A simple, "I'd love to, but my smoke allergy keeps me from being able to be there, can we meet at ___ instead?" A few times and they will have received the message loud and clear. They can choose how to respond. Either they will say, "oh, no, I won't smoke while you're here," or they will say, "Oh, ok, well what time do you want to meet there?" It's unlikely they will try to argue with you, or say "never mind" and cancel the plans altogether. But you will be putting the ball into their court as to whether they are willing to delay their smoking habit in your presence or not. You will be advocating for what you need, health wise, without making it about them being rude.

The time to say something is when you are being invited, as opposed to in the moment. No one likes to be caught off guard. Just ask while plans are being made if they would mind refraining from smoking while are in their house with them, or in a vehicle with you because you are very allergic. If they can't or won't refrain, they can tell you no (hopefully politely). If they agree but you sense they are less than happy, you decide and tell them you will visit in a non-smoking public place and drive your own car.

Why not speak up for yourself to begin with?

My 11 year old is allergic to cats/dogs to the point that he can't step foot in the house of someone who has one. It has gotten worse. We tried twice in the past month and he had to go home both times...so we just politely decline invites to those places or I stay home with him (I am also allergic). I don't expect people to get rid of their animals for us to visit, and cleaning doesn't get rid of the hair and dander enough, so just have to say no thanks. Smoking would be the same thing. Take control.

Honestly, I don't (won't) go to the home of a smoker unless they smoke outside. Not just when I am there, but all the time. The smell of cigarettes is very pervasive and even if I sit in a smoker's home, I leave smelling like a cigarette - I quit myself and when I did, I made the choice never to smell like that again. My brother smokes, but ALWAYS smokes outside so I have no problem with going to his house. He, of course, smokes outside when he visits me, but I do hang his jacket in a different location because he wears it outside to smoke and it can smell very strongly of smoke.

As an ex-smoker, I never felt like anyone had to apologize to me if they didn't want me to smoke around them (I didn't really, but they wouldn't have had to). Even in my own home where I always smoked outside, if I had guests at an outdoor party, I walked around to the side of the house where I was away from everyone.

Make the choices you need to make - you don't need to apologize, but you don't need to be rude about it either :) I'd consider only visiting friends whom are comfortable with your needs/expectations and host friends at your home who are not. I'd also always ride in my own vehicle . . . I can't stand the smell of smoky car!

Good luck!

Let's remove the words "smoke" and "smoking" from this question. Let's substitute any number of allergens: peanuts, dairy, chemicals, smoke, fragrances, soy, cats, rare roses from Mongolia. Doesn't matter.

When you have an allergy, a real allergy, not a distaste, the rules are the same. You protect yourself (or your child with an allergy). But you do it with education, with respect, with information, to those who may not be familiar with you or your child's medical condition. There are many people who are completely unfamiliar with allergies, with their deadly reactions, with the medical diagnoses behind them. They think "allergic to" and equate that with "don't like". We who have allergies or family members with true allergies understand the difference and the need to educate and inform.

Now, this applies to allergies, or diagnosed chemical reactions, not just the "I don't like Jasmine perfume, I prefer Chrysanthemum" kind of preferences. Or "I don't like cats, I'm more of a dog person" or "I don't see how you can use anything other than organic non-GMO herbal deodorant, because I think that the commercial stuff causes diabetes". Those kinds of reactions are personal opinions, not completely validated by science and research.

But allergies, reactions, proven medical condition? You owe NO ONE an apology. You defend yourself. You need to protect yourself. What if this was your child?

You aren't being rude. You're being rational and protective. They may not understand. That's not on you. That's on them.

Politely tell them that you are allergic to smoke, and don't include yourself in events where smoking will be included. If your friends know you have an allergy and don't bother to respect it, then you need new friends.

However, if you're calling a poor tolerance for smoke (you don't like how it smells, or what it does to clothes, or if you have diagnosed yourself without any allergy testing just because you were in a smoky room and felt a little headache afterwards), then you can't expect the level of respect that a person with a diagnosed allergy would receive.

If cigarette smoke provokes an allergic reaction in you, you simply state the facts, respect your friends' freedom, take separate vehicles, and behave in the way that anyone with an allergy behaves: sensibly, protectively, responsibly, respectfully, and in a non-apologetic way.

If cigarette smoke makes you slightly ill or upset over the possible exposure to chemicals or the possibility of cancer or disease, then seek out friends who don't smoke.

The difference is: is it an allergy or an avoidance?

Fortunately I don't know anyone who smokes. I hate it. But I'm not sure why you think it's rude if they don't ask you when it's their house or car. If you know they smoke, you have to assume they will want to when you're there. At your house or in your car it's very rude but not on their turf. So you have to say "it's better if I drive myself bc I'm allergic to smoke. I can see you there." Or "let's meet at this restaurant because I'm allergic to smoke". Then you aren't telling them not to smoke but giving them the option of driving separately or not smoking or meeting in a restaurant or not smoking/going outside. And I think most restaurants don't allow smoking anymore anyway. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around smoke but it is their right to smoke in their own house or car. You know they smoke before you get there and you made the decision to go anyway. So it becomes your problem.

I think when you are in someone else's home or car, they have a right to smoke. I would not personally ask someone to stop smoking in their own home. If they won't stop smoking while driving, then drive by yourself in your own car. If they insist on smoking when you are at their homes, then politely excuse yourself outside or to another room while they smoke.

Hopefully you have nice enough friends that they can minimize their smoking while you are at their houses, or go outside, as your friend did. But if not, then you will have to be the one to excuse yourself.

You don't need to feel awkward that your friend was nice enough to go outside.

I also cannot tolerate smoke. My MIL is a heavy smoker. She avoids smoking when I am there (she steps outside) and I really appreciate that, but as others mentioned, just being in her house triggers my severe allergies, because the chemicals are in the curtains and furniture and everything else because she smokes indoors all the rest of the time.

I minimize my exposure by always offering to host and always offering to drive. If there is something going on that I need to go to her house, I spend as much time outdoors as possible. I make a lot of "oh, it's a nice afternoon, let's sit outside" suggestions. If we are there in the winter, I am constantly herding my kids outside to play and I go with them. Even in the snow. Even in the rain (they have a covered porch). If weather makes it impossible to go outside, I suggest that we eat out for lunch and/or dinner, my treat, so that I can get a break from the smoke.

I also take an antihistamine before I go.

So basically, no, I don't tell her how to behave. I try to set up the situation in advance so that I can minimize my exposure, even if it's less convenient for me.

I read this exact question on ask abby this morning. No offense but I think smoking is rude. Smokers don't realize that smoking not only affects their health but everyone else around them. I went in my aunts car once. Even though she didn't smoke with me in the car, the smell was in the seats, there was ash in the car. I ended up throwing up. My body doesn't tolerate smoke well. You can offer to drive your friend but if the smell is already on her clothes, your car or her car doesn't matter. Be honest with your friends and family. Tell them how you feel.

Their car, their home, their rules. If they want to smoke in their car or home, there is nothing you can do about it.
And yes, it is rude to ask someone not to smoke in their own home or their own car because you have an issue with it. I don't ask anyone if they mind something I do in my own house.
Take an antihistamine before you go visit them.

I used to have a severe cat allergy. I just could not go to people's homes that had cats. This included my brother's house. Fortunately, I seemed to have grown out of my allergy but if you are truly allergic (vs. just not liking the smell) then you will have to tell them why you are refusing their invitation.

Yes, if it's THEIR home or car, I'd consider it rude for you to suggest they stop. You can call it being polite for guests..but the short of it is, stay at a hotel and/or rent a car.
If you're going into someone's environment, I consider it rude to ask THEM to adjust in order to host you. Especially when they're already making concessions to have you in their house to begin with.