Highly Sensitive Child?? Help with Tantrums and Emotional Extremes...

I agree with the others who say consider sensory issues. The book Out-of-Sync Child may help. The medication for epilepsy could be causing the issues as well. We are titrating on one med now with lots of issues. Sometime several types of meds have to be tried to see which works best.

Try changing her diet, it may help. Try the "Paleo" diet. It is a diet consisting of proteins, fats, vegetables, and fruit. Eliminate grains and pastas of every kind.
Hopefully that helps.

I am a highly sensitive adult. I can't tell you everything that is going on with your daughter, but I know what would have been helpful for me as a child is outlined in the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives really practical, and surprisingly simple, advice on how to respond to kids by not denying the feelings they have. Amazingly, children can often resolve their own unhappiness once they believe you have really listened to them.

You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

Your daughter may have a sensory processing disorder which is what I think the book to which you refer is talking about. But I suspect that given all of the things that have happened to her in the past year she is dealing with an overwhelming amount of emotion. She is angry because she is no longer well. She is grieving the loss of good health. And most importantly she is scared, scared, scared because she isn't old enough to understand most of what is happening.

I suggest that you provide her with lots of loving attention while still being consistent with expecting good behavior. Look at discipline as a way of teaching her how to behave rather than as a way to punish her so that she will want to behave.

Being strict doesn't teach. It just puts on more pressure to behave even tho the child would behave if they knew how to handle their emotions.

Tantrums are caused by frustration. Frustration at not being able to be understood. Frustration at not being able to do something. In her case the something is to be a normal healthy child.

There is no such thing as too much empathy. Always be empathic even during the tantrum. What worked for my granddaughter was to sit down in the same room with her while she kicked and screamed. I didn't say anything to her. I just sat and waited. When she became calm, I at first, asked her if she wanted a hug. Before long, once she was calmer she would crawl over to me and I held her for as long as she wanted to be held. Sometimes I would rock her and say something like, (life) is really tough sometimes." or "I know you want to do such and such. It's really difficult not being able to do it." or even, "I'm so sorry that my saying, no, made you angry."

I watch for melt down situations and tried to head them off by giving her words to express how she was feeling. With my daughter, I learned to word my statements as a possibility rather than a fact. for example: "I wonder if you're feeling /frustrated right now?" If her answer was no but she was still calm enough that suggesting another feeling might help, I'd say "angry?" At 6 she may know how she's feeling even tho she couldn't put that feeling into words and I could guess wrong. That is why I worded my statement as a question.

I wouldn't ask her how she was feeling. That might feel too intrusive to her. She also might not yet know how she's feeling. Your question may help her get away from acting out and into dealing with her feelings with your help. Keep in mind how she might be feeling. Focus on her feelings. Let go of your own feelings at that moment. You can go back and address them later once she's OK. And you'll have less frustration because you'll have headed off a tantrum.

Also keep in mind that children are more easily upset and get out of control when they're tired and/or hungry. Give her a snack if you think she may be hungry. Give her quiet time before she gets upset if she's tired.

Since your daughter has health issues she will be more sensitive not only to being tired and hungry but also to myriad other things. A calm, consistent environment is important to staving off tantrums and outbursts. Arrange a room or a corner which is all hers to which she can go before her world overpowers her. Help her to recognize when she needs to go to this quiet place. Have books, music, art materials available for her in this place so that she can divert herself.

Even, when you're away from home you can divert her attention before she's overwhelmed by her feelings. My granddaughter likes to draw and my grandson to write letters of the alphabet. I always have paper and pencil with me when we're out together. My grandson likes Hot Wheels so I keep 2-3 of those around. My granddaughter likes Littlest Pet Shops and so I have some of those. Giving them those things to do only works if I'm sensitive to the early signals of a meltdown.

I've found that once I notice either of them whining I can often stop a meltdown before it starts by giving them personal and warm attention. Sometimes getting them interested in something else works. Sometimes an offer of a hug or holding them on my lap works.

Sometimes they just have to have that meltdown. Often they just cry and only express their anger with words. If I try to talk them out of the meltdown it escalates.

I wouldn't be too concerned over your daughter saying no body loves me if most of the time she feels loved. My granddaughter also sometimes says "no one loves me." I don't try to convince her that I love her or that she's loved. At the moment she feels unloved. I hold he, if she'll let me and repeat, "you're feeling unloved even tho I love you" She'll usually nod and keep on crying but stop saying the words. Feelings are just as real as fact but feelings and fact are not always the same thing.

Sometimes she's angry and yells, "you don't love me! You don't understand me!" I just listen and wait for her to calm down. Often she asks for a hug but if she doesn't I ask her if she wants a hug. Sometimes she doesn't but later she'll often give me a hug later.

You are not responsible for how she feels. She knows you love her. Her feeling unloved is related to many things mostly likely unrelated to how much you show her love. I've found that when I keep myself aware that I'm not supposed to make someone feel happy that I'm better able to accept how they're feeling and be empathic. It also helps to be aware that no one is always happy and that it's OK to feel angry, sad, frustrated, unhappy etc. What is important is to accept those feelings as being OK in ourselves and in others.

What is important is to allow your daughter to express her feelings any way that they come out as long as she isn't physically hurting herself or someone else. At 6 she also needs to learn words as a way of expressing her feelings. Give her the words before she has a meltdown. Talk with her and most importantly listen to her while having a conversation about what is happening to her and how she feels about it during calm times.

When I consider all of the negative things that have happened to her I suggest that professional counseling with a child therapist on a weekly basis might be necessary for her to regain a sense of well being. You could look for one that has experience dealing with sensory disorder issues in case that is a part of her situation.

Yes, i am raising at least one highly sensitive child. One of my biggest insights lately was that a sense of humour is one of the best tools for me and them. I am highy sensitive myself, but haven't known until a year ago. When i found out about this concept, i started being even more gentle and understanding. That is good. But there is also the danger to undermine self-confidence. Now i focus on believing that my children are resiliet and will be able to cope, just like i did. I know they wil sometimes suffer more than non-HSC, but i also know their joy and happiness can be deeper. I approach life with a regained sense of humour, especially when i get stressed about having to challenge them (sending them off to daycare, asking them to tolerate a noisy enviornment...). My children are picking up quickly, and are using humour to help themselves cope -- psychologists say that humour is one of the most advanced adaptation techniques when it comes to being happy in a challenging life. Your lives sound very challenged, and i am sure all your support and worry are good. So good for you to be open to her sensitivity! But don't forget her strength, her wittiness, the upside of that sensitivity, and possibly her potential for great adaptation strategies ncluding humour! Believe in her, just like you do in yourself. It's so hard, isn't it? At least i find it so...
Good luck
D.

Have you looked into food sensitivity as a possible cause for her emotional extremes and medical issues? She may have delayed food allergies which can be identified through the ELISA IgG test. Acid Reflux would indicate something is going on in the gut. My son's sensory issues (and low immunity) resolved after I took him off his sensitive foods. Recovery is not immediate but you can see progress within a month. You can also try cutting out the most common allergens like diary, wheat and egg for a start if you don't want to do the pin prick test. In your case, you may want to keep a food diary to identify what foods trigger the acid reflux. Just removing those foods may be enough to eliminate some of the other symptoms. Note that most conventional doctors don't believe in the IgG test, but it was the only one that resolved my son's sensory and gut issues. You can also google "Leaky Gut" to gain a better understanding on how an impaired digestive system can affect multiple aspects of health.

I'm sure this will seem odd to you, but I wonder if your daughter is sugar-sensitive? My daughter acted out much the way you describe your daughter doing, and by 4th grade was talking about hurting herself. It was very scary.

I discovered a book called "Little Sugar Addicts" by Kathleen DesMaisons, and OMG what a difference! My daughter is now 14 and she's happy, respectful, and calm (and yes, she's a teenager!). You can go to their website at www.RadiantRecovery.com and see if the symptoms fit your daughter.

There's also a really good support group for parents there. I'm a member on that list and have seen lots of parents describing all of the issues you describe, including the sensitivity, intuitiveness, issues with clothing. Most of the kids seem to be picky eaters as well.

Incidentally, treating for sugar-sensitivity doesn't mean just giving up sugar (my daughter hasn't). It's about balancing the needs of the brain by eating enough of the right kinds of foods on time, and most importantly, starting with the appropriate breakfast (which is described in the book).

Good luck!

Have you considered that your daughter might be gifted? Gifted children often are highly sensitive. They are extremely instense, in both positivie and negative ways. For example, they can get upset very easily because of their sensitivity, but they have a much great understanding of the world at a much younger age (as you say your daughter has a deeper undderstanding of life). At 6, while they have these instense feelings, the do not know how to handle them. There are lots of books on the subject or there is a lot of good information on the web (senggifted.org, nagc.org, etc.). I recently had my son tested and once I had this information a lot of his behavior began to make so much more sense to me. I started to look at it through a different lens which gave me so much more understanding and patience in dealing with it.

Your daughter might also benefit from some counseling to learn how to deal with her intense feelings. I know that you said you tried play therapy, but perhaps you need to find a different therapist. There are therapists who specialize in gifted children.

I too have a highly sensitive child. Two actually. And a husband of the same nature. While I think it may be worthwhile for you to have her evaluated, some people are highly sensitive just by personality. For some people, it's not something you can "cure"; it's something you have to learn to work with. There is a great support group on Yahoo groups: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/hscbook/
You might check them out for more support. Also, the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" has been very helpful.

My son is almost 8 years old and I have witnessed similar scenarios in him, although he does not have the health issues. I have also read "The Highly Sensitive Child" along with "The Highly Sensitive Person". I believe I am highly sensitive also and can empathize with my son. Though it does not make it easy to deal with at times, I have a basic understanding of what he is experiencing. Life is so hectic these days in this world that it is no wonder the children are affected as they are. I like what one of the ladies said about using a sense of humor. We too use that in our household and it seems to work well. Also, I have learned that during his episodes, it works well to just leave him be. Let him have some down time on his own in his room. When I notice that he is settling down, I then go into his room and have him sit on my lap and talk softly to him, letting him speak if he wants to. It seems to help for us ~ but every child is different. He makes similar comments as your daughter and it breaks my heart. I went through the same stuff when I was growing up so I know first hand how the feeling feels and that breaks heart even more. During those times, I try to bring out the positive stuff and pray with him about it. It's a challenge raising a Highly Sensitive Child but there is also a great reward because the love from them is very deep too! Good luck! Remember, you know your child best and you are taking the steps to help her.

I have a 5 year old that has had no medical issues and she is highly sensitive and throws tantrums that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. It is very difficult to deal with as we have a total of 4 children ranging 13 years to 15 months.

Tantrums include : screaming "you hate me" , "I hate you", "i
I'm gonna hit you" etc...
They also include kicking the walls, throwing things, slamming the door into the wall repeatedly.. . . you name it.

None of my other children are/were like this. The preschool teacher and pediatrician both say it is most likely a phase she will get over.

I can honestly say we have tried every thing under the sun and have not found a solution at this time. What we started doing is telling her to sit on her bed until she can calm down. When she is quiet, then we get her. If she was put there because she did something wrong, then we talk about what she did. She may have to appologize to someone or she might loose her outside play time.
I try to avoid situations that set her off, but I do not walk on egg shells around her because we are a pretty strict house and there are consequense for actions.
If you think there is seriously something going on with your child above the normal being "sensitive", then make your point to your doctor. Be firm. I would even take a short video of your daughter during an "episode" and play it for the doctor so he/she can understand what your child is going through. If they don't listen, then it might be time to get a second opinion. Don't rest until you feel like the situation is being delt with. Only you know your child. Good luck

My 8 year old daughter is very sensitive and is prone to tantrums and has a very hard time, if not an impossible time, controlling herself once she reaches a certain point of anger or frustration. We felt like we hit rock bottom with her the summer she was 6. No reward was great enough and no threat or punishment severe enough to change her behavior. Finally, I read "The Explosive Child" and it totally saved our family. I learned how to relate and respond to her in a whole new way. Things still aren't perfect, but they are much better. She still has tantrums, but they are fewer, less severe, and shorter in duration. We still work hard on her triggers, but the collaborative problem-solving approach, I cannot say enough good things about. Also, I think 6 is a big age for kids starting to say whatever they can to get the strongest reaction from their parents. The "I hate yous" or "I hate myself, nobody loves me" in the midst of a fit, are just words thrown out in anger, just trying to engage you in the battle. Ignore it and try not to take it personally (I know it is really, really hard). Keep telling her and showing her you love her when she is calm. Trust me, she will know.

I would suggest that you make an appointment with a Developmental Pediatrician. Although it sounds like most of her development is typical, she has been through a lot, and this type of doctor will call in Occupational therapists and medical doctors who can put the whole picture together for you, including the meidical issues and how they effect her emotional state. If they have another suggestion for the kind of doctor you need, they will tell you when you call for an appointment. It sounds like she is pretty miserable, and and you have tried eveything you can think of on your own, so find out for sure what direction will really help her.

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up when she says distrubing things. She says them to you because you are safe, and she knows you love her. Keep laying on the love, and hang in there.

M.

Hi C.
After reading other responses I just have little to add. My daughter had acid reflux as a baby and I can not tell you how hard she could cry from the discomfort. (So the frustration of that alone can make your daughter act out). From that she became a pretty challenging child. She would have awful tantrums. By the time she was 4-5 her tantrums were so bad, I had to hold her (restrain her) so that she wouldn't hurt other people or things. She also would say things like I hate myself, I want to die. I can't tell you how scary that was to me! (By the way, these tantrums were always at home, not school). I did a lot of research to figure out what to do. My first child was nothing like this, so I was thinking it was not really my parenting at fault. there had to be something else. The books that have been recommended here by other moms are all very good. I have read them all. To those I would also add "the explosive child" . It might sound like too much but it has great advise that every parent and teacher could use. At the time she was in pre-k and I realized that she HATED reading but loved to be read to. The teacher assured me that she was fine. We were living in Spain at the time. When we got back to the US the problems continued in reading but then I was told that it was normal because she had learned to read in Spanish first. Again I was skeptical because of my observations and the tantrums at home. We finally had her tested and confirmed dyslexia. With all my research on that I read about the improvements seen with omega 3 supplementation. We started that a few months after she started intensive reading tutoring with a specialist. Within 3 weeks of the omega 3 she showed great improvement. Gradually her tantrums also subsided. She is now 10, done with tutoring and doing great in school. We still have issues and she will always be willful, but compared to back then, she is a joy to be with! I will also agree with Jae C. You need to have her tested for food sensitivities. (not the same as allergies which show up immediately) Gluten sensitivity is a big one, as are milk and eggs. Also, as she said, most regular doctors won't be very receptive to this, so push hard with them or go to nutritional practitioner or something. I think your daughter is really frustrated with not feeling well all the time. Also, a lot of the medications for acid reflux strip you of other vitamins which then cause other problems. So I really think you need to see someone who specializes in nutritional medicine. If you want to start doing some reading on the subject get a book from the library by Patrick Holford on optimal nutrition.
I wish you the best. It might be hard, but it is SO rewarding when you start to resolve issues. I would love it f you keep us posted.

Hi,
I don't have any advice, but want you to know that we are also going through a similar situation. Our daughter is 5 1/2 and has had numerous allergic reactions in the past that have had her in the emergency room. Quite traumatic experiences for a little girl. She is also very intuitive and sensitive. She is the model child at school and at playdates, etc. We were having quite a number of extreme tantrums at home and waking up during the night for 3 hours screaming (not nightmares, she was wide awake). We also read the "Highly Sensitive Child" and saw alot of our daughter in it as well. We had her see a therapist who has worked with her/us a few sessions. We were seeing a huge improvement for a while and now the tantrums are back, but not as bad (most likely due to the recent addition of another sibling). We plan to have her/us see the therapist again for a few more sessions to help us figure out how we can help/guide/support her in the best way possible. Just want you to know that you are not alone in navigating through this.

Health issues aside, every child deserves to have his/her needs met. Parenting is the hardest skill to master and most often it is not our parenting style but the reflection of who we are and what advice do we have around us to influence our parenting.

Rewards and punishments are just the two sides of the same coin. Both reinforce the idea that kids should behave in a certain way not because that is the right thing to do but because there is 'consequence' in response to each behavior afterwards in the form of reward or punishment. Both negatively impact a child's self esteem. In other words, a child becomes dependent on external praise to feel good about him/herself or external disapproval to feel bad. Both impair self judgment. Our feedback should be such that makes kids use their own judgment in making right choices.

I can not recommend the following books highly enough that have guided me through years.

- Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginot
- How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- Smart Love by Martha and William Pieper
- Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn
- How to raise your child's emotional intelligence: 101 ways to bring out the best in your children & yourself by Allen Nagy

Best,
-Rachna

No advice but congrats to you for seeking to find ways to deal with and help your daughter instead of trying to squash it and teach her to keep it in a bottle it up.

She is a special person and will have a unique viewpoint for the world and her sensitive nature can help in many ways - like being a gifted therapist that can notice very subtle clues, for instance.

Again congratulations for nurturing your daughter and teaching her how to work with her temperament. She has a great mum!

So sorry that you're going through this. I have a 6-year old girl who is highly sensitive too. We had her assessed, and she has Asperger's. I'm not saying that's what's up with your little girl. However, kids that have seizures and have sensory issues may also have other issues as well which may cause the inability to self-regulate emotions well. I recommend that you get her assessed.

Good luck!
C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

The acid reflux can be cured with Dr Ohirra;s Probiotic Plus 12. They have a childs dose on the label. It rebuilds all the good bacteria which should boost her immune system. This will make your daughter healthier. It is one small soft gel pill at bedtime and one when arising. Easy to take.
This should help with one lever of her being.
Make sure you get seamless tube socks. Seams drive sensitive people crazy. AND no labels. For some reason labels are made out of inferior scratchy material. Good luck with the reading suggestions.

Wow, poor little thing! the first thing that popped into my head when I read your post is perhaps she's scared. She's been through a lot and still going through a lot and maybe the tantrums and outbursts are because she is frightened and doesn't know what is going to happen to her next. I had to smile when i read that socks are a problem for her. My granddaughter can spend five minutes per foot putting on a pair of socks! Drives me insane! Anyway, maybe she's scared and thinks no one sees her because no one is talking to her about her fears. Just a thought. perhaps you should look into counseling.

I'm thinking this girl may be "highly sensitive" because she's highly scared. With the medical problems you have described her having, I think an adult would be somewhat afraid, let alone a six year old girl. I'm not sure of the answer, but think I would discuss this with her doctor and see what sort of help you can get there. I don't think being strict is the answer, but also being overly sympathetic won't work either. She has to know that you believe in her and that you believe she can succeed in life even with the problems she's been facing.

I can totally understand how you must be feeling, I have fears that my daughter (born at 1lb. 6oz) will have some of the same troubles. Where do you think she's getting the negative input from?? If you can isolate it, remove it from her life.

All we can do as Mothers is love them with all of our hearts, without smothering (very difficult!) and be a friend. Someone they can trust and confide in without fear of judgment. As I see it, that's the only way I'll know what's going on with her, whether I agree with her perspective or not.

I'm just starting on this journey so I'm not speaking from experience... Only what I believe I would like to do should the same situation present itself.

Easier said than done, huh? :-)

Best of luck!

My 5 year old daughter has lots of extreme tantrums and emotional outburts as well. She also had a heart transplant when she was 2 years old. I wonder if there is a connection with the medical issues - I never thought about that. I have wondered if there is a connection with all the medications she is on. She was also diagnosed with ADHD not long ago too.

I would take her to get testing, or request testing from the public schools. Like maybe testing from an occupational therapist who can tell you if anything is going on with the sensory issues. If you're not sure where to go, make an appointment with your family doctor or pediatrician and explain the issues. Ask for a referral and he/she should know where to start. HTH!

what medications is she on for epilepsy?? and oracid reflux.?
I wouldnt think the acid reflux drugs would cause behaviour issues but epilepsy drugs work on the brain and can change behavior.

do you see a neurologist ??

my duaghter is senstive... but she is graduallygetting better.. shewas a really difficult baby but at 4 is not too bad..

I have one of those kids. She was my first and it took awhile for me to figure out what I needed to do. It dawned on me one day that she was going to have to go out into the world and get along with others and people were going to be put off by her tantrums. I decided she was going to learn how to behave better. Tantrums got no where any longer. If she threw one, she got everything taken away. I would not allow any talk about hating anyone especially herself. I soon realized she may be a bit sensitive, but mostly she had figured out how to push my buttons. As I had more kids, I soon figured out that some are easier to parent than others. My oldest was going to be more of a challenge. I had to really be on top of the discipline with her. She is 13 now and she has learned to control her temper and we really enjoy hanging around. She is still strong willed, but she is able to focus that into a will to do good. Good luck!

This is sort of a random response, but I was having some similar issues with my highly emotional / sensitive 4.5 year old. After trying everything, we finally decided to give a "therapy pet" a try, and adopted a kitty. This might sound weird, but ever since we have had the cat, he is 10 times better! When he gets angry and would normally throw a HUGE tantrum, he now runs to the kitty and hugs her. Before, ANY time he would wake up from sleeping, he would be in a terrible mood, super negative, throwing tantrums, etc. Now, I either put the cat on his bed when it's time to wake up, and he opens his eyes smiling. If he wakes up on his own, he walks out smiling and looking for the kitty. I should mention that it has been about 6 months since we got the kitty, but it is such an extreme change, that you might want to consider trying out a therapy per if you don't already have one - Good Luck!

I have a daughter prone to tantrums and hates being touched hates certain clothes and tags she has a sensory processing disorder we see Dr Susan Youngs in dearborn I highly recomend her and say call now because it takes a while to get in