Helping a Teenager Understand Parents' Separation/Divorce

What a great aunt you are for being so involved. Divorce is really tough on most kids and being a teenager on top of it is going to make it extra hard. I would get her into some type of counseling. I am sure she is having feelings that she may not want to share due to fear of hurting someone's feelings. She needs to get out her feelings to someone who is neutral and not so closely involved. She may have issues with her dad or mom that she just cannot share with any of you. One bit of advice as a person who was divorced many years ago and also had parents divorce when I was a teen is to NOT TO BAD MOUTH THE OTHER PARENT as difficult as it is going to get. Remember that is their parent and although they are no longer a couple they will always be her parents. It is tough sometimes to do but we have to be the adults here and not put that extra burden on our children. I can still remember seeing my mom cry and how devastated she was when her and my dad split. I was old enough to know what was going on but it still hurt me to see my mom so upset. My dad was with another women so my mom would ask me questions when I would return from visits. I hated that even though I knew her intentions were not to involve me but it made me very uncomfortable. See if there is a divorce support group for teens in your community. Teens being able to share and have support from their peers can really be helpful. Sometimes they think we as adults just don't understand them. Good luck to your brother I know he has a bumpy road ahead.

Hi ! D., I am a 56 year old grandmother of 7 & have 4 marraiges behind me. I didn't realize until my oldest daughter was 32 that both girls blamed themselves for my breakup with their father, 29 yrs. ago. He and I were married 10 yrs and we were not compatable in anyway. We married for the wrong reasons.
My girls have also both been divorced and I just have a few suggestions.
Your brother needs to set down with her even if she doesn't want to & explain that she was not the cause or the problem between them at all. He needs to let her know that he loves her unconditionally and he will be there for her. My other suggestion is that he not have a relationship around her for several months. She needs the security of knowing he is hers. Even if its just going to the park, the mall or just allowing time for just her when he has visitaion is the most important. He doesn't need to buy her things or take her extra special places just be with her & listen if she has something to say even if he thinks it's dumb, let her feel he cares. I had no idea that my girls felt so much guilt, I wish I had known.
My oldest daughter just recently divorced for the 3rd time & her 12 yr. old has had a very hard time. Sorry to say my daughter hasn't handled it very well and she has gone to live with her father.
To sum it up, relationships come & go but your children are God's gift forever. There is time to find another love but your child is the love of your life. Get involved in the things she enjoys. Get into a good bible based church & let God lead the way.
My heart goes out to you all & you're in my prayers.

Just want to say that I think she an awesome support system already set up.
Check with your church, or if you don't have one...Gateway has classes called DIVORCE CARE and DIVORCE CARE FOR KIDS.
Both classes equip with tools do deal with these things.
www.gatewaypeople.com

The best advice I can give is for your brother to be very honest with her especially if she asks a direct question. My parents kept some things from me in their divorce that really broke the trust I had in them for a long time and it can be dangerous for a teenager to trust friends more than family.

I was a late teen when my parents revealed they were separating and had essentially kept the pending divorce from me until I was ready to leave for college. I think it was easier for me since I was starting the next chapter of my life and didn't have to deal with "who will I live with" or "will I stay in my same school".

For me, I took it as my parents weren't happy with each other anymore. I didn't want them to spend their lives miserable, esp if they could be happier living separately. In reality, my relationship with them changed very little, and they were happier on their own, once they got divorced.

For you, being an auntie, I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her. DON'T seem like you are giving her attention BECAUSE of the divorce. Just spend time with her. Take her out to the movies, lunch and call or text her and ask her about how she's doing. She will likely open up to you on her own time. Take an interest in her interests...hobbies and extra cirricular activities...e.g. get her books about her hobby or favorite singer, or ask her if she saw a new movie that's out...stuff like that.

I can say first hand people asking me, "How do you FEEL about all of this?" was such an annoying question. Mostly I didn't want to think about it. And I certainly didn't want to "talk" with them for the 30 minutes they were showing and interest in me. I just wanted to be a "normal" kid. As far as I was concerned it was THEIR problem (mom and dad's). I think pushing kids to deal with it makes them feel like they are growing up too fast - being pushed into "adult" decisions.

If you are concerned about her acting out, being depressed, etc. then maybe her parents need to talk with her about "it not being her fault", "who she wants to live with" (if she gets a choice), "visitation" (how frequently she wants to see the other parent (spend the night or spend vacation time), and if more serious, that they want her to see someone independent and confidential that she can talk with (i.e. private conversations without Mom and Dad having behind the scenes conversations with the dr. spying on her progress). Respecting HER feelings and input is key. There are going to be weekends where she doesn't want to see the other parent because of a date, high school football game, etc. She's not "property" to be split up between the two adults.

I hope this helps you.